Saw the doc today...

Did I mention I was nervous about today?
Yeah, I had reason to be.
I saw the endocrinologist today.
He's brilliant, by the way- no joke.
He actually knew what he was talking about- unlike many of the other doctors I'd seen. They only gave me five minutes- where he gave me at least a half hour.
He was kind, and really smart.
He told me, he HAD to sit down and talk to me after he saw my past blood tests results (over a year's worth).
He said several things-
1- being I have a very low thyroid despite the amount of thyroid meds I'm on.
2- I might have a very very very rare autoimmune disease that causes my body to attack my thyroid, amongst many other things.
3- my thyroid felt smaller than normal and "cobblestone" like.
4- since my thyroid has been low for so many years- he doesn't know the amount of damage my heart has taken, nor my bones. Leading to heart attacks and broken bones.
Fun, huh?!
5- my white blood cell count has been high for several years now- meaning I have to have a sonogram done of my thyroid to rule out cancer.
6- I have several options right now- different medications to try (oh joy!) one being an animal thyroid hormone (NO JOKE!), he said people find it to be "organic" because it comes from an animal! "Are you serious?! You're gonna put BESSIE in me?? I call all cows and pigs, Bessie- don't ask me why. I just do, Okay?!
7- I might have my thyroid removed if, one- they find anything, or two- because no medication will help it.

He also ran a few blood tests- but he didn't expect "any surprises" and told me he'd call me in about 3 days.

On a side note- I don't know if any of you remember- in an older blog post of mine- I mentioned that I have prophetic dreams- always have, since I was a wee little child.
My dreams just come true QUICKER than they did when I was young.
It used to take sometimes years to come true. Now, not so much.
Of course, I do have nightmares from time to time- that are just random fears- or just plain old randomness. But I always know- ALWAYS KNOW- that ones I have to pay attention to- those are the ones that become true.
I really don't care if you believe anything I'm saying right now, or if you believe in psychic abilities- It's not my deal- if you don't believe.
I TRULY, with all my heart, don't give a shit.
I'm just saying what I know to be true.
Anyways- I mentioned about a dream I had, maybe in the fall, where there were three versions of myself- one present (I think?), soon-to-be future and further future. No past.
Now mind you I didn't remember this dream until recently.
And when I remembered it was kind of a shot to my stomach.
One of me- with long blond hair looking very happy.

One emaciated me (in the middle)- completely bald- looking very sickly
One of me- had dark hair short to med length, curly, looking "normal".
All sitting on a bench, on a pier by an unknown lake. looking directly at me.
Staring at me watching..all of them (who are me).
Confusing I know.
But it was like they were foreshadowing my own future.
Staring into my eyes- so that I KNOW.

I'm probably explaining this really badly. I haven't felt right most of the day.
I've been shaking- and the doctor noticed- he asked if I noticed, that I was shaking so much.
That was funny!
My heart stopped a couple of times on my way home, just its usual weird thing it does.
I felt like I was gonna pass out when I got home, I was severely dehyrated apparently.
I'm just guessing at this point.
And I have a migraine just growing- at this point.

But I had to type this blog and get it out there before I forgot any more than I already have, no doubt.

I found out my very very close friend, one of my mama clan, is in the hospital right now. I love her dearly- she is a great, amazing, funny, smart, beautiful person- and I ask that you all pray for her right now, that she gets better.
I love ya Tee! I'm gonna come visit you!!

As always- my only constant-

Kisses Bitches! I love you guys!!! Thanks always for all the support.

FUCK the weekend!!

As I said earlier- in a previous blog post-
My new doc let me know- that my thyroid is fucked up.
This isn't anything new obviously!
She told me to cut OUT one thyroid pill and UP the other.
I knew this was a very very bad idea.
So instead of cutting the first one out- I cut it in half, and upped the other like she said.
I spent most of the day in some of the worst pain in my entire fucking life!
EVERYTHING HURT!
My bones, muscles, my body was swelling really badly.
I was gonna call 911 at this point!
I felt like I was in a K-Hole!!!
Hey if you're old enough, and did drugs like I used to- remember K-HOLE????
It sucked- but that's besides the point.
It was a fucking nightmare.
I have been so fucking bitchy and angry for weeks now.
DAve and I both realize- we are WAY nicer to strangers than we are to each other.
But I was gonna explode!!!
Yesterday morning I had a fight with Dave at 4 A.M!
When we went back to bed- I told him, "I just might end up choking you in your sleep."
He responded half joking, "Well that's why I don't stay in bed all night long. Because I'm afraid I'll never wake up!!!"
I started hysterically laughing- but I knew he was kinda right. I was about to fucking SNAP!!!
During yesterday a lightbulb went off- I called my doc asking to go back on my anti-psychotic (Geodon),
I had been off it for about two months- because we were worried that it was affecting my heart.
At this point- I didn't care.
The night before - all I dreamt about was slapping people!!!
I was INSANE!
But I've also mentioned in my blogs that anger is my first clue- irriational anger is my first clue- something is going to happen- to my heart and my body.
The end of yesterday I spent wanting to die, the pain was so bad.
I couldn't move!
I gladly took my geodon last night- hoping to pass out!
Praying for a near black out- to go to sleep and not wake up till morning.
And I DID!!
I do, I really do love love love my drugs.

I woke up way less swollen- at least five pounds less!!! And decided obviously this doctor has no clue what's wrong with my thyroid, so I'm not gonna cut down, or cut out my thyroid pill- till I see an endocrinologist.
I KNOW for a fact something is REALLY REALLY WRONG with my thyroid- and I'm not gonna mess with it till I see someone with some knowledge of such things.
Like I said previously- my doctor had said she's never in her entire life seen blood results like mine.
Meaning- one- I'm TRULY UNIQUE!!! hahaha!
and two- She's never treated someone with my problem!

Today I went back to my normal first pill, and still upped the second.
It was like a brand new fucking day!!!
The birds were singing and I was happy.
I was still uncomfortable- remnants from yesterday.
Plus I have bone pain all the time now.
Did I mention I've had the sniffles all day long too?
I was nice to everyone, not angry.
I felt somewhat at peace.
I cleaned the house, cooked brisket, stewed vegetables and risotto.
YEAH baby!!! I'm back!
In an 84 year old body- but still I'm kinda happy today- and that's way better than before.
I took a quick walk with Dave to the bakery- a block in, stabbing pain starts in my ankle and then my leg. I ended up limping the rest of the way there and back like the fucking humpback of notre dame (Dave: it's really HUNCHback, but,... uh..., yeah)!
But I was determined to not let the pain get in my way.
DAMNIT I wanted cookies! And I wanted them NOW DAMNIT!

And I got my damn cookies! Na na na boo boo!

I'm typing this blog with my foot up on my couch because it feels broken even though I KNOW it's not.

I love GEODON. It makes me- NOT a serial killer.
A little angel- with a raging angry little devil inside just waiting for the fucking moment to get out and motherfucking party, bitches!!!

On that note I leave you.
KISSES BITCHES
Rock out with your cock out!!! Woooooohooooooo

*P.S. I'm gonna be going blonde- SO blonde, people will have to wear sunglasses to look at me directly.
And maybe then...dreadlocks??? My options are open.

*P.P.S.- I came into the livingroom yesterday- after just waking up, and Lee's therapist was there working with them. She saw my hair (and how big an afro it was).
She looked SHOCKED! And said "I've never seen it that big!"
At first I really wanted to say all these dirty jokes that jammed into my head, like a bunch of fat people stuck in the doorway of a cake shop (I LOVE fatties!! Don't HATE!).
Such as-" You mean my dick?!" (you get the idea)

But my real anser "Yeah actually this is it small, it can get three times bigger.
I TOLD YOU MY AFRO WAS BIG!!! COME ON, MOM!! Tell me who my REAL father IS!!

Where mah bitches at?!

This week has been nuts!
There were a few high points though- one being able to meet up with a few of my girlies that I haven't seen in nearly a year!
We had a beautiful dinner at Lima's Taste (the most amazing restaurant EVER!!!) this past weekend.
It was nice just being out with the girls, no boyfriends or husbands allowed- for some much needed girl time.
I rarely ever get to go out (I have neither time nor money to do so). My schedule is super busy with two special needs kids and moving to Brooklyn.
I've been suffering from severe migraines- they NEVER go away.
I had one that very day I went out to meet my chicas- but nothing was going to stop me from being there- we had scheduled this night over a month ago and nothing was going to get in the way of that.
Thanks to one of my very good friends I saw that night (shout out to Natalia!!), I've been trying to think more positively again (shout out to "The Secret").
On Sunday I was able to bring my kids, Dave and my sister to FINALLY see our new home!!!
They all LOVED IT!!! Both Lee and Vivi were exploring the whole place with a huge grin on their face.
This totally made my day! I know it'll be a very big change for them, but after awhile, I think they will love it even more than the home we live in currently.
That very day I was on my third day of this continuous migraine marathon- we were in McDonald's ( my kids favorite place to chow down) and I felt like I was gonna puke right then and there! Like a drunk!!!
Luckily I was able to control myself and put some delicious goodness in my belly- and I felt tons better- still had a migraine but didn't want to puke! So that was a win for me!
Right now at this very moment- I have a migraine, I'm trying to will it away.
Because no medication known to man- works on my migraines.
I think I need....... LOTS OF MONEY!!! AND SEX!!! AND humm...what else do I want and need???
Let me think....
Anyways- I got off topic.
I feel things will be getting better- and I pray things will be getting better.
BTW I changed my birth control medication again, and I'm crossing my fingers that this will make me feel tons better and hopefully fast.
I've been so super exhausted lately- I've been NAPPING!!! For those of you who know me well- know that I HATE napping during the day!!!
I wake up not knowing what day or time it is. Like I've woken up from a coma!
My thyroid is down and my hormone levels all over the fucking place-
I can't wait to get settled in our new place- and start feeling better again!!!
Levi had his psychological evaluation this morning and will probably be diagnosed with P.D.D. for now- later on maybe in a year or two- this diagnosis may become autism- like with my daughter.
I can't wait to get out of this toxic environment- mold, mildew, rust, you name it-
And start living life again!


Wish us luck!!!
I pray for all of you an abundance of health, wealth, happiness and love always!

P.S. I gave Levi a haircut yesterday, he looks so cute- but he screamed all the way through the haircut like I was killing him (which of course I wasn't). My son is a bit dramatic.

Kisses Bitches!!!


*photo of Levi with his hair cut very short. I think he looks so cute and super handsome!!
In this photo, I feel like he's totally saying with a swagger- "Hey, How you doin?"

Everything HURTS

On Friday after I came back from Violet's school, I went straight to my doctor's office for an emergency appointment.

I've be feeling really tired lately- and I know my thyroid isn't working right. My legs have been a bit swollen- so I KNOW for sure something isn't right.

It turned out- I gained ten pounds in two months- which is really unnerving because I haven't been doing anything differently, and mostly I feel swollen all over.

Though, to tell you the truth, I was kind of liking my figure- bigger boobs and bigger butt. It made me feel sexy- I know that's very strange for me.

I felt confident in my body- for some strange reason I usually feel more confident in my body when I'm bigger. I have no clue why- especially with my history with eating disorders.

But I wasn't fitting into any of my clothes properly- that was definitely a downside to the weight gain.

My doctor has been monitoring my thyroid for almost a year now- it's been way up and way down. She took yet another blood test.

Every bone in my body was hurting so badly, especially my legs.

Now I'm waiting for the blood test results. I think I injured my right hand wrist somehow- that's why I haven't been able to blog- I have a few moments of little pain in my wrist so I decided this would be the time to type- before the horrible pain takes over. I probably have a small fracture- but I'm hoping that's not the case- cross your fingers for me.

On the way home I made a haircut appointment for myself with my favorite hairstylist- Daniele- at Extreme Color salon. In my opinion he's the best hairstylist on the fucking planet!

And you all know how much I love hair- so you know I know what I'm talking about.

When I came home, Dave suggested we go shopping for the kids fall clothes on Saturday since they don't have any warm clothes for the changing season.

So I had to cancel my beloved haircut appointment- I'm regretting that decision now.

Yesterday was dreadful- for me at least. My sister and Dave had a great time.

I was in so much pain- and struggling to get through the day. I saw nothing I liked for the kids. I did get Violet two books from Barnes and noble.

But yesterday was a complete and total bust! Levi was crying all day long- especially when we entered a store. Violet was great on the other hand. Yeah- no more shopping with Levi for awhile, that's for sure.

When we got home, I saw it was still early enough to maybe go get my hair done ( extreme color is so cheap BTW) - I went outside even through all the pain- only to realize he was booked for the rest of the day- plus I went to the wrong pharmacy to pick up my sister's medications. I was soooooo super depressed. Mostly due to my thyroid. When it's low- I go into a deep depression. It's really hard to fight it. It goes hand in hand with my bipolar disorder.

I realized I almost walked into a moving car!!! I almost got hit- and I didn't even care!

That was a wake up call for me- like a demon had taken over my body and was literally going to kill me. I had to get control of myself- tell myself this feeling isn't real- it's my thyroid and everything will get better soon.

For the rest of the day I was in so much pain. I think Violet and I got a virus from school. Not that day- probably earlier in the week. Violet and I share everything- especially seltzer ( we both love seltzer!). SO her stomach and mine were a mess for a week. And I think that's why I was in so much body pain.

YUCKY!

I soaked in the tub when I got home for a long time- hoping the horrible pain would go away.

I didn't of course. So the kids, Dave and I all went to bed early.

I could tell my bipolar was totally out of whack- because in the middle of the night, I started feeling paranoid and I thought I might have to take a geodon.

I wanted to be held by Dave, and cuddled. I know- so unlike me!

I was freaking out for most of the night. I got up and took some benadryl to try to pass the fuck out eventually. Which I did and then woke up to my daughter sitting ON my FACE!!! At around 3 in the morning. Yeah- she finds this so funny! Which normally I would think is funny- except not at around 3 in the morning!

OW- okay my wrist is starting to hurt really badly again- so I'm gonna stop my rant here.

Oh yeah- one more thing. I read on MSN an article about what men like about women- a few days ago. It was really funny- they said things like "long eyelashes"- the whole time I was rolling my eyes. Like seriously??? What lies!!

So I asked Dave that night what he liked best about me this was his EXACT answer:

"Your smile...uh wait, no! Your pussy!!"

We fucking laughed so fucking hard!!! See that's a man's REAL ANSWER!!!

EAT that MSN!!!

Kisses Bitches!!! Work that ASS!