Dinosaur Party

Happy 10th birthday, Violet!!!!(she's on the left)
Dinosaur party time! You light up my life everyday and every night. You have taught me, continue to teach me how to grow as a person, to love and be loved.
I will never be able to repay you enough.
I thank you for choosing me as your parent and as your student in life.
I promise to always continue to listen to you and try to understand you in the best way I possibly can and not only be your mom but your advocate in life - to fight for your rights as a human being
You are a beautiful beautiful beautiful soul.
You forever inspire me to be a BETTER mom, sister, daughter, friend, human.
I will forever be thankful for you and to you.

As I always tell you everyday and night-

I love you more than the moon, the stars and the sky.

Happy happy happy birthday my love.

Autism💜

I posted a video on instagram of me playing with my sweetpea, Violet !She's my oldest and soon will be turning 10 years old this week!
Showing her my earrings I got 3 months ago from my sister,  that I never got a chance to wear and finally decided to dress up.

My earrings say "Can you not".
Not something I can usually wear to doctor appts.

Lula wanted to play with makeup this morning. At 7 am on Sunday.
Yes this is me "dressed up"
I told you I  wear hoodies and sweatshirts all the time.
This is my FANCIEST 😎 sweatshirt 😂-it says SHITAKE HAPPENS.
My life to a T.
And I laugh at it.

Violet has Autism,  as do all my children. 

They are all very different from each other -
like every child on the autism spectrum,  NO child is alike.

And they all completely own my heart. 

And I wouldn't EVER  have them any other way NEVER EVER.

They are perfect the way they are.
I'm so proud of them,  and how much they've taught me and we continue  to grow and learn together as a family, as a team.

So I guess my earrings mean-
CAN YOU NOT tell me-

-you are so sorry to hear my child/children has autism.
-if I just would parent them better
-what do I think CAUSED it?
-they don't  LOOK autistic, or AT LEAST they don't LOOK autistic.

Or GIVE me any type of parenting advice whatsoever. Period.
IF I HAVEN'T ASKED.

Instead of feeling pity-
Because I'm not upset, I feel so lucky to have my children in my life. After 4 miscarriages, I have 3 wonderful blessings!

Offer a play date! A ladies night out? ( or Guy's?  them? They?)
Help with cleaning?
Helping with shopping?

Offering things that HELP us with TIME. And mostly friendship😊

Yet Another day spent dazed and confused

Let's play catch-up:
Both my kids have several new doctors and new doctor appointments- with specialist that specifically only deal with kids with special needs.
We went for our first visit Thursday- and it was the very best doctors visit we've ever had!!! They were so kind and understanding- they didn't rush us along, for the next patient. We spent THREE HOURS there! Plus they got us transportation to and fro.
AWESOME!
The doctor said that Violet's cyst on her neck might be from her thyroid and it will probably need to be biopsied. But first they will need a sonogram done.
I am not looking forward to this. I'm trying not to think about all the possible outcomes. I don't want to worry myself sick. I'm sick enough already.
My son did get his very first vaccination shot ever that day.
Not several at once, like all the doctors previously had wanted.
One shot- single dose. After that we will be coming back every week, or every other week for the next shot until we are caught up.
Levi did have a bad reaction, I knew it would happen, sadly. He had fever until Monday and has been even crankier than ever before!
I didn't even think it was possible!!!
He's grabbed so many chunks of my hair, I lost count.
And no, wearing a hat or scarf, doesn't make a difference.
My scalp is so sore from all the pulling!
Plus he's been banging his head like there's no tomorrow!
I worry for my son and his precious big ol' head.
I'm FRIED!

My thyroid is really fucking low! My bones hurt so badly. I feel like my body is falling apart.
I spoke to my doctor and he said if I still feel this way by Tuesday, he'll up my thyroid medication, eventhough it's ridiculously high as it is.
I swear I'm some kind of mutant! But without all the cool superhero powers!

Saturday- during the the day, in front of my apartment- a group of stupid teenage boys stopped to purposely point and laugh at me. Because I looked different (faux 80s pink mohawk).
I was shocked!!

Seriously! How ignorant are the people in my neighborhood? They are racist and homophobic! It's a nightmare! I can't stand them! We have nothing in common. I'm basically in hicksville.
In manhattan, no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. I never thought I'd think of that as a plus!
But now I miss the city- MY CITY- more than ever before!
I fear for my kids growing up in this stuck up, stupid, ignorant neighborhood.
I was really caught off guard by those idiot boys. I used to get bullied all the time in school, but I was a kid- I mean, young kids are dumb, that's a given. But in adulthood?
It's digusting.
And I know, these dumbass boys will never leave Brooklyn, or even their neighborhood, when they get older. Because I know they'll never really "grow up".
It's pathetic, and strangely satisifying, to know this fact.

Saturday night I went out to dinner with some friends, and had a good time.
I couldn't eat and drink- as much as I would've liked to.
I didn't want to change the good mojo of the dinner, by telling them how physically ill I felt from my thyroid. And that my entire body was throbbing in pain, including my stomach.
I didn't care that I felt so horrible, because the time I got to spend with my friends, was priceless.

Sunday- I took my kids to Toy R' Us.
I took my mom and sister with me too.
It's nice to get my mom out of the house, and get some fresh air.
She has always loved toy shopping since I was a wee little one.
Violet wanted to take the entire store home, and Levi couldn't care less.
In fact he screamed most of the time- wanting to leave the toy store and go home.
Levi was still cranky from the shot he got on Thursday.
Later that night- he ripped out my hair, tore off my glasses which got caught on my nose piercing and almost ripped it out of my nose.
My nose was bleeding, my scalp hurt and I was a MESS! A hot mess!

Monday I went to the city for the ultrasound of my thyroid.
It was done three times! Because all the doctors couldn't believe what they saw.
I was freaked.
Apparently my thyroid is RIDICULOUSLY small. Abnormally small.
Which explains why I feel so sick and tired all the time.
The can't figure out WHY it's so small though.
I might have an auto immune disease that makes my immune system attack my thyroid for years until it becomes too small and very underactive.
Oh fucking joy!
But that's only one possibility.
I haven't heard from my doctor yet, as to what the other possibilities are and what are my options to treat it.
On another note-
My mom was told yesterday that April 29th, at the end of THIS MONTH, will be her very last day of work with the company.
So much is going on right now with my family. I can't wait for things to look up!

On yet another note-
I will be talking about in my upcoming blogs- how ridiculous the things we find appealing in our society actually are.
I'm bringing back an old movement of mine- that I believe deserves a come back- and another look at.
My Anti-Cool Revolution.
Totally worth it. And very ridiculously uncool of me :)

Kisses Bitches,
That's all for now!
Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

P.S. Today Violet has her first ever dentist appointment, I hope I don't lose any fingers!!!

Pink hair!!!

The other day my very cool and talented hairstylist mama friend, came to my house to color my sister's and my hair.
I've been doing my own hair for so long. And every six months or so, I'd get my hair professionally cut, but I could never afford to get my hair professionally colored.
One of my mama clan members, is a hairstylist- she has purple and blue hair.
She is FUCK AWESOME!
And she came over in the evening and spent nearly 5 hours doing my hair.
My hair was so resistant to bleach.
I've said many times before- white girl hair products do not work on my hair, only ethnic products are strong enough. I have afro hair- and that okay with me. At least now it is, when I was younger ALL I ever wanted was "white girl hair".
You know- that silky straight hair that glows in sunlight- like an old Prell shampoo commercial.
Yeah- I know that ain't gonna happen for me- so I might as well embrace my afro hair.
Though now it's a cotton candy pink colored afro!
Wooohooo!
I've always wanted this hair color but never could do it myself.
My mama got to meet my daughter, and she was awesome with her.
This made me so happy to have company over and to be able to get my hair done.
I was super tired though- and had been for three days- exhausted not just tired.
I was trying caffeine but that didn't even make a dent!
Then yesterday the same thing happened- I was yawning and felt in a haze, while "my twin" ( one of my dearest friends) came over to visit- that I wasn't really awake or in the moment.
I can't seem to really "feel".
I can't feel anything, I think I'm numb.
I've been so angry and resentful for so long- I now feel nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I was happy my friend came over, but I couldn't really FEEL happy- you know what I'm saying?
I know this is due to me being bipolar- but it also has to do with the huge amount of stress I'm under daily.
Levi spent most of the day tantruming yesterday and almost got a handful of my hair- I caught him in time, he had a grip on a chunk of my hair- before he could run away with it- I got him to loosen his grip, somehow.
He also banged his head really hard against my clavicle.
I have to hold him so that he doesn't break his skull open on the floor, or table or chairs. Even if that means getting beat up by him in the process.
Plus he was up all night long last night.
I'm so tired, even though Dave was handling the night shift.
I feel like I'm daydreaming- or that I haven't woken up yet from slumber.
Like things aren't real somehow- my life isn't really happening.
And no medication or anyone can change that feeling.
I'm just trying to feel even an ounce of happiness every day.
Whether it be from my kids giggling, or seeing my mama clan at Levi's school.

Sorry I'm kind of rambling at this point.
I just want to truly FEEL something, ya know?

Anywhoo-
Kisses Bitches!!!

This is a photo of my hair

FUCK the weekend!!

As I said earlier- in a previous blog post-
My new doc let me know- that my thyroid is fucked up.
This isn't anything new obviously!
She told me to cut OUT one thyroid pill and UP the other.
I knew this was a very very bad idea.
So instead of cutting the first one out- I cut it in half, and upped the other like she said.
I spent most of the day in some of the worst pain in my entire fucking life!
EVERYTHING HURT!
My bones, muscles, my body was swelling really badly.
I was gonna call 911 at this point!
I felt like I was in a K-Hole!!!
Hey if you're old enough, and did drugs like I used to- remember K-HOLE????
It sucked- but that's besides the point.
It was a fucking nightmare.
I have been so fucking bitchy and angry for weeks now.
DAve and I both realize- we are WAY nicer to strangers than we are to each other.
But I was gonna explode!!!
Yesterday morning I had a fight with Dave at 4 A.M!
When we went back to bed- I told him, "I just might end up choking you in your sleep."
He responded half joking, "Well that's why I don't stay in bed all night long. Because I'm afraid I'll never wake up!!!"
I started hysterically laughing- but I knew he was kinda right. I was about to fucking SNAP!!!
During yesterday a lightbulb went off- I called my doc asking to go back on my anti-psychotic (Geodon),
I had been off it for about two months- because we were worried that it was affecting my heart.
At this point- I didn't care.
The night before - all I dreamt about was slapping people!!!
I was INSANE!
But I've also mentioned in my blogs that anger is my first clue- irriational anger is my first clue- something is going to happen- to my heart and my body.
The end of yesterday I spent wanting to die, the pain was so bad.
I couldn't move!
I gladly took my geodon last night- hoping to pass out!
Praying for a near black out- to go to sleep and not wake up till morning.
And I DID!!
I do, I really do love love love my drugs.

I woke up way less swollen- at least five pounds less!!! And decided obviously this doctor has no clue what's wrong with my thyroid, so I'm not gonna cut down, or cut out my thyroid pill- till I see an endocrinologist.
I KNOW for a fact something is REALLY REALLY WRONG with my thyroid- and I'm not gonna mess with it till I see someone with some knowledge of such things.
Like I said previously- my doctor had said she's never in her entire life seen blood results like mine.
Meaning- one- I'm TRULY UNIQUE!!! hahaha!
and two- She's never treated someone with my problem!

Today I went back to my normal first pill, and still upped the second.
It was like a brand new fucking day!!!
The birds were singing and I was happy.
I was still uncomfortable- remnants from yesterday.
Plus I have bone pain all the time now.
Did I mention I've had the sniffles all day long too?
I was nice to everyone, not angry.
I felt somewhat at peace.
I cleaned the house, cooked brisket, stewed vegetables and risotto.
YEAH baby!!! I'm back!
In an 84 year old body- but still I'm kinda happy today- and that's way better than before.
I took a quick walk with Dave to the bakery- a block in, stabbing pain starts in my ankle and then my leg. I ended up limping the rest of the way there and back like the fucking humpback of notre dame (Dave: it's really HUNCHback, but,... uh..., yeah)!
But I was determined to not let the pain get in my way.
DAMNIT I wanted cookies! And I wanted them NOW DAMNIT!

And I got my damn cookies! Na na na boo boo!

I'm typing this blog with my foot up on my couch because it feels broken even though I KNOW it's not.

I love GEODON. It makes me- NOT a serial killer.
A little angel- with a raging angry little devil inside just waiting for the fucking moment to get out and motherfucking party, bitches!!!

On that note I leave you.
KISSES BITCHES
Rock out with your cock out!!! Woooooohooooooo

*P.S. I'm gonna be going blonde- SO blonde, people will have to wear sunglasses to look at me directly.
And maybe then...dreadlocks??? My options are open.

*P.P.S.- I came into the livingroom yesterday- after just waking up, and Lee's therapist was there working with them. She saw my hair (and how big an afro it was).
She looked SHOCKED! And said "I've never seen it that big!"
At first I really wanted to say all these dirty jokes that jammed into my head, like a bunch of fat people stuck in the doorway of a cake shop (I LOVE fatties!! Don't HATE!).
Such as-" You mean my dick?!" (you get the idea)

But my real anser "Yeah actually this is it small, it can get three times bigger.
I TOLD YOU MY AFRO WAS BIG!!! COME ON, MOM!! Tell me who my REAL father IS!!

oh boy

This morning I went to my cardiologist for an emergency EKG.
Of course, it showed nothing, because my heart was fine this morning.
But I could barely walk because of the pain in my legs. I had to hire a car service to get me to the doctor.
Dave ended up sleeping in the waiting room.
While the nurse did the EKG, I told her about my leg pain and the swelling.
I then went across the hall to get an ultrasound of my arteries.
while walking there- I whispered to the nurse, "Wait one second please. I'm just gonna go shake my husband awake very quickly."
She giggled while I walked over to Dave and shook him awake while yelling "WAKE UP already!!!"
All the old people in the waiting room laughed quietly, as to not anger the giant (that being Dave).
He woke up, only a tiny bit startled- meaning apparently I wasn't loud enough ;)
We walked into the sonogram room, the technician was a man.
I strangely felt comfortable with him, but when he offered to have a female technician do the sonogram, I grabbed the chance.
The LAZY as FUCK woman (older- very obvious wig, and a bitch!) looked at me, and went- "Nah. He's good at this. He'll do it."
She was eating, and didn't want to be disturbed. What a fucking CUNT!
So he came back in, told me to take off my pants and use the gown to cover my underwear.
Truthfully, I was nervous. Especially since I was in the same position a month ago- in a very bad office, with a very bad man.
Though this time Dave was right there next to me, watching him like a hawk.
I got to see what the previous exam- was supposed to be like.
The other technician (from hell) did everything wrong and now I'm FUCKING positive he didn't do any of the sonograms correctly that day and purposely molested me.
Oh joy. I'm this close to storming in that office and ripping his fucking balls off with my bare hands- that fucking cock juggling thundercunt!
Meanwhile everyone at that office told me, that what happened that day, was professional and that's the way the sonogram was supposed to be done.
REALLY?!!! REALLY??!!!
What fuck heads!
Anyways back to the story.
This guy was awesome- he was professional and funny and made me feel at ease the whole time. We talked about his family. I ended up finding out he had thyroid disease also! And had radiation to treat it a few years ago.
Dave, the technician and I were all laughing and chatting- making the painful sonogram (yes painful - they have to press down really hard on my legs- which were already hurting so fucking badly), way more comfortable.
But during the sonogram, while laying on the table- I started getting really dizzy and hot.
I told him, and Dave rushed to get me water. We didn't know why this was happening. I wasn't doing anything physical!
After the sonogram was done, I shook his hand and thanked him for making me feel comfortable and not scared. I told him, I had a sonogram for the same reason, done about a month ago, and the guy was completely unprofessional and totally inappropriate ( putting it lightly!) and a fucking idiot.
He apologized that it happened to me and wanted to know what office that happened in. I told him the doctors name and everything.
He was very sweet and kind.
After that I was told to go back to my doctor and have her take my blood pressure again. I ended up in the waiting room for almost an hour, because the doctor was mobbed with patients. By the time she got to me- apologizing and apologizing for taking too LONG, my blood pressure was back to normal (well normal for me that is- 95/65).
The plan- This week people will be coming to my house to hook me up to an event recorder.
YUP! I FUCKED UP! The holter monitor was NOT an event recorder. I was told that they were the same thing- apparently by an idiot doctor in the past before.
Holter monitor- is only for 24 hours.
An Event recorder- is for three weeks.
Yes- THREE WEEKS!
Because the 24 hours I was hooked up before- nothing happened. My heart felt fine that day. So of course nothing major showed up as wrong on the monitor, although my doc looked at the readings and said I had some kind of tachycardia normally brought on by stress- but I hadn't been stressed. She mentioned I may have some form of arrhythmia.
I will also be seen by an endocrinologist and maybe a rheumatoid arthritis doctor. The word fibromyalgia was also tossed around.
Fun times. Fun times.
MORE and more doctors.
Hopefully one of them will be "The One". Nooo, I don't mean Neo (from "the Matrix") because there is ONLY ONE, Keanu Reeves- of course (who I am allowed to marry upon my husband's death-btw!).
Sorry, totally off topic- I am a nerd- and sometimes go to my happy place.
Anywho-
I'm hoping one of these doctors'll find the problem and fixes it! Please!!! And soon!!!

Okay dokey- BTW Despite all this going on and Levi having a cold on top of this-
I'm still planning to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.
Even while attached to my event recorder!!!
That'll make it even MORE entertaining!!! (but please, no cellphones, or my chest might accidentally set on fire- just kidding!...no I'm not...)

I was told tonight that, maybe people aren't responding to my invite (to my little get together at my house- with lots of kids, friends and family) because they think I'm gonna cancel it- "Like Always".

This statement hurt me a lot.
I am a person of my word- this means a lot to me.
The only reason I've had to cancel parties in the past, was either -one- due to my health- or my family's health, or, number two- being completely broke and having to go to a soup kitchen to get food.
Both - I think- being very good reasons to postpone or cancel a party, don't you??

When I was younger- I'd cancel for any reason. I AM bipolar and DO have problems following through. I'm a self-sabotager, for sure.

But nowadays, especially after having kids, my word means EVERYTHING to me.
Plus- I am looking forward to seeing everyone. That's all that matters- just being surrounded by kids, family and friends- right?!

So if you are one of "those people" that are afraid I'll end up cancelling and don't trust me to "follow through with my plans". Maybe you shouldn't come anyways.
I don't need negativity in my life- or my house.
And maybe you just plain suck.

But I doubt ANY of you feel that way, riiiiiight???

Kisses Bitches!!!
Grow some balls would you! Or a HEART!!!

*photo of the bionic woman- found on google.

Miracle doctor

Me oh my!!!
After yesterday my faith in doctors was next to nil.
Today I went to a brand new doctor. I had also made an appointment for Dave at the same time, because he has a very bad sinus infection and was due for a check up anyway.
I LOVE her!!! She's brilliant, understanding, caring- you name it.
I knew the very second I stepped into the waiting room. I grabbed Dave's arm and whispered to him, "I'm going to love this doctor. I know this already."
I met two older women while filling out paper work. They were so nice and had nothing but good things to say about the doctor I was about to see.
The woman I was speaking to had THREE OPEN heart surgeries and we had SO much in common.
I told her, I hoped to see her again soon.
She replied- I most definitely will.
She was THAT nice.
All the nurses were so sweet and really professional.
I felt kind of at home there. And that's a good thing- because I basically LIVE in doctor's offices anyways.
The doctor gave Dave a full exam and an EKG, apparently besides being an internal medicine doctor- she specializes in cardiology!!!
My luck just looked up!!!
She also gave him an ultrasound of his heart- his very first one EVER!!! And he's turning 38 years old!!!
Man, we are SO different!! The first one I had was when I was 16 years old!!
His blood pressure was very high, as per usual.
The doctor told him she'll give him 3 months to lose weight, and change his diet and start exercising- otherwise he may need surgery because his weight could kill him.
I LOVE this doctor.
This isn't the first time a doctor has told him this- but I feel this was the first time he really listened.
She examined me and listened to EVERYTHING I had to say.
Really listened!!!
I cried in her office- because it touched me so much, after all I've been through with doctors my entire life, especially recently with the doctor that molested me.
I was in so much pain- everywhere. I could barely walk.
I had gained almost ten pounds in two weeks from SWELLING with water!
I was 125 lbs- two weeks ago, and now 135- and I have actually been eating healthier!
My legs are very swollen and very uncomfortable.
She gave me a breast exam- and told me right there, my breasts are very cystic and I will continue to have mammograms with her, every single year.
She is requesting all my information from "the bad doctor" I went to weeks ago.
She also suggested that I go to an endocrinologist, that she knows and recommends, for my thyroid. As well as an arthritis doctor, for the pain I'm in all the time- she suggests that I probably have Fibromyalgia!
THE FIRST DOCTOR TO EVER ADMIT THAT!!
After everything I've been through. Still most doctors believe the diagnosis is make-believe, this is of course because most doctors- don't READ, or believe that anyone could ever possibly REALLY be in that much pain all the fucking time.
Did I mention, I HATE most doctors?!!!
The nurse hooked me up- right then and there to a event monitor (also called Holter monitor) and have to stay connected to it for 24 hours.
I'm connected right now- as I type this.
I have to go back tomorrow morning- to get disconnected and get a fasting-lab. NO EATING- for 12 hours before the blood test. Dave will be getting a blood test as well.
She also suggests I may have an arrhythmia.
BTW- my blood pressure was 96/65.
I was sweating and feeling so sick while in her office.
I can't wait to feel better...hopefully SOON.

Let's hope she, or the other doctors I'll be seeing, find out what's wrong AND FAST!

I also have to go back the day before my 30th birthday for a stress test.
Yep- I'm turning 30 soon. I can't believe it!
Shouldn't I be turning 84 or something already???!!!


Kisses Bitches!!!
Thanks for all your prayers!

Good and bad news...

Good news- actually GREAT news- my grandma is back home and doing better.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bad news- I'm still doing the same- and avoiding the hospital at all costs.

I'm trying not to overwork myself- but my family knows nothing about cleaning apparently.
And since my mom is at my grandma's- it's ALL up to me, to keep this house from looking like an insane asylum.

I told my sister today- that if I have a heart attack from cleaning the fucking house- I will haunt Dave and her for the rest of their miserable fucking LIVES!!!
Saying in their ears "Clean the motherfucking HOUSE!!!"

On another note- if Dave doesn't put down the fucking PS3 controller- I told him I'll throw him AND Assassins Creed Brotherhood- out the fucking window!

See I made a mistake- I bought him the freaking game. Thinking MAYBE just maybe- he would play responsibly.
I was SO totally wrong.
I even tried hiding the fucking game- but he found it! FUCK!!!!
I would actually- dare I say- like this game if I knew he would only play it when the kids were sleeping.
It drives me INSANE!!!
When I told him I'd throw him out the window- his response was "Please throw me out first, then the game, so at least the game would be safe!"

I FUCK you NOT!
Yeah- I don't say "kid you not" I hate that phrase. I much prefer "FUCK YOU NOT!"
I have a bunch of sayings- don't worry you'll learn them all.
And they'll rattle around your head FOREVER- until you catch yourself saying them too!!

MUAHAHAHAHA!
That's my master plan!!!

Another phrase of mine- when someone does something stupid- instead of saying they're stupid- which isn't very nice- and you all know I'm ALL about being nice ;)
I say "Talent!"
Because they are talented- at doing stupid things.

Yeah anyways- that's enough lessons for today, bitches! Okay?!

Kisses Bitches!
Spread the FUCKING LOVE!

P.S.- Dave now thinks he's Italian- he keeps speaking Italian to me. He's freaking SPANISH for goodness sakes!

Quick Christmas eve blog!

Hey Everyone!!!
Sorry it's been a few days!

Just wanted to write a very quick blog post for today.

Violet and Levi met Santa!!! At Violet's school!
Violet tried to pull down Santa's beard!
And Levi screamed in fear!

Violet's school sent home her "communication book".
The minute she got home- she pulled out her book to show me what she wanted.
She pointed to "I want" photo and then the "Goldfish" photo.
I almost cried I was so proud of her.
And I went through the entire kitchen to find that damn bag of Goldfish crackers!
Thank goodness we had it! Could you imagine? The first time she requests something from me- and I DON'T have it?!

For the past few days my asthma has been acting up getting worse and worse.
I've been dizzy and wheezing. Fun Times!
But I can sit back now- because I finished cooking Christmas dinner.

BTW I totally went ape shit fucking nuts- because I had nothing I needed to start cooking.
Now I understand  why my mom went crazy all those years EVERY single holiday.

God Bless moms everywhere!

I wish everyone a happy and healthy ( that's the Jewish part of me coming out) Holiday season and a very joyous New Year!!!

*photo of my daughter covered in vanilla pastry cream!!! She's so happy!

Lots of love to all!

Kisses Bitches!!!

Diagnosis and Christmas

Levi was recently diagnosed with PDD-NOS, with "the most severe symptoms of autism".
He's under two years old- and they don't diagnose most kids with Autism this early.
Everyone I tell, goes "Awww" or "Shit!" or "Fuck!!!"
I'm always surprised and kind of amused by this reaction.
I went through all this with Violet over two years ago.
I went through a whole week of crying thinking- "What did I do during my pregnancy that caused this?" Or just flat out "How did I cause this?"
Blaming myself- most parents go through this in the beginning.
I'm way past this stage. Even though people ask me all the time "Do I know what caused it in both my kids? Did I do something different?" All the usual inappropriate questions people ask.
These things happen- yes and it happened twice to me.
But I don't ever wish for my kids to be different than what they are.
Yeah, Levi cries a lot and bangs his head a lot, but he also makes me laugh so much and loves me more than I ever believed possible.
Violet is also hilarious!! And has the very best laugh I've ever heard in my entire life!
I love them both so much- just the way they are- I don't believe in "curing" them.
This is so stupid to me. And I believe it makes the kids feel that they are "wrong" in some way.
Now Levi will be getting a lot more therapy and might even go to a school for two hours a day.
It's a big change for him, but I know it helps a lot in the end.
Many of my friends have no clue how to "handle" my kids.
When we're in a restaurant all together- and my daughter is eating cream cheese with her fingers and there's cream cheese all over her hair and face! The whole time- smiling and laughing to herself- just SO darn happy!
Levi crying in the highchair.
They get embarrassed.
This is so ridiculous to me- I mean "GET OVER IT!"
Where I go- my kids go- that's just the way things are.
I don't have money for babysitters- plus I don't trust anyone with taking proper care of my children. I knew many babysitters and they were a disgrace!
Especially since I babysat for over 13 years!!! I would've done anything for these kids- I treated them like they were my own. They even slept over my house.
I would've taken a bullet for them- yeah- when I take care of a child- that's the way it goes and is supposed to be- kid- first, YOU- LAST!
If you don't feel this way- DON'T take care of kids! You SUCK at it!!! Give UP!
Seriously! You suck!
That's why I don't trust nannies or babysitters.
But like I said- I can't afford them anyways.
I barely trust my family watching my kids.
Especially since Levi is even more destructive to himself lately.
He feel on his head twice in five minutes last night- thank goodness for carpeting!!!
I love my kids- and yes it is a challenge shopping with them and running errands- but that's what I gotta do.
Plus I miss them when they're not with me.
EXCEPT for last night- when I went to the supermarket by myself for a few things (seltzer I cannot live without you- you complete me!!!).
The kids were with Dave and Kayla at home.
I smiled at everyone, started conversations and went through every single aisle just plain HAPPY.
Everyone smiled back- and was so super nice!
It only lasted a few minutes- the shopping experience- but it was bliss!!
We got our Christmas Tree yesterday and put it together (fake of course- otherwise my kids would be EATING the TREE!!!)
Levi was rocking back and forth smiling staring at the lights on the tree, Violet was even teaching him NOT to pull the lights on the tree. She just pulled his hand away from the lights and said "Nah nah nah" In her sweet little baby girl voice!!
It was exciting!
We haven't put the ornaments on the tree yet- I'll be taking photos and recording when we do!
This is the first year that Violet is aware of Christmas. It's really special.


Kisses Bitches!

So don't say "Awww" or pity me- that's stupid.
All I ask is that you understand. That's all.
Not TOO difficult, right?

*photo of Levi with a christmas tree hat in a shopping cart

Violet's brand new school!!!

I'm am so proud of Violet!!!
I know for sure after being there the whole day with her today at the school that THIS is the BEST school for Violet.
I fell in love with every child there!!!Most of them have physical disabilities as well as learning disabilities.
They were the cutest, sweetest most lovable kids I've ever seen (other than my own of course)
The teachers there absolutely love all the children there and take fantastic care of them.
They asked me to come back for the rest of the week and more, if I'd like.
I felt honored.
I enjoyed playing with all the children and watching Violet play with her new friends.
I knew- in my heart- that this is the very best school for her!
It's a YAI school. YAI has the best therapists and they really make you feel like family.
We are going to their Halloween party October 28th!!!
I cannot wait!!!
Most of the building is YAI schools from ages 3- up to adulthood.
Violet was tired today and had a few cranky moments but overall- she had a fantastic day.
She even sat on the potty TWICE for 5 seconds at a time!!!
And tried two new foods!!!
She painted and colored with all the kids.
Two kids seem to really like her, a sweet little boy- who kept smiling and saying hi to me and a little beautiful girl (she's autistic and doesn't speak). But she gave me great eye contact!!!
As I clapped for her and sang songs with the class.
I was so happy there.
I was exhausted from not sleeping- and not really eating- because Violet wouldn't let me leave the room to go get myself some lunch- but overall the day was magical.
I think Violet is really happy there.
She passed out soon after we got home, so we had to miss sensory gym.
But I could tell she was happy. She even took off her shoes and socks there- she was THAT comfortable there.
She was princess of the class for a day!!
She even got a whole PAGE of stickers and on the ride home on the school bus she stuck the happy face stickers all over her car seat!
I came more with a bit of a migraine ( the beginning of one) because I hadn't eaten.
So I ate some, drank a big old jug of coffee and took a shower.
The pain is going away now- PHEW!
And I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow.
Violet's napping now and I think she's having good dreams about her new school.

Thank goodness this all worked out in the end.

Kisses Bitches!!! Be good to your kids!!

*photo of my daughter on the day of her "baby audition" for the her new school ;) She's too funny!