Yesterday was hell

but tomorrow is looking better- tomorrow I'll see my mama clan at Levi's school.
Yesterday was shit from the very start- I could tell.
Both kids were losing their minds being stuck at home, as was I.
I wanted to go to the farmer's market in prospect park, since it's been month and months since I've been to one.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE going to the farmer's market.
Pure joy, except when I go to the one in union square- where many many obnoxious people go- the food is GREAT, but the people leave a lot to be desired.
Very wealthy, very snotty, very egotistical, and all very young- all of them together- in one place makes me itch or twitch and scream.
YUCK! Snobby people SUCK!
Plus they all HATE children. So when I go there with my lovely wonderfully, insane children, I just HAVE to run them over with my double stroller, after asking them over five times very politely, to move the FUCK outta the way!
They all forget they were once very obnoxious children themselves.
Not to say my kids are obnoxious, they're just LOUD.
Everyone was driving me insane yesterday.
It was a very bad move for me to take my kids outside.
They were in a bad mood to begin with.
Plus it was fuck ass cold outside.
Taking my kids out- is hard. I won't lie. It's difficult.
Don't me wrong I LOVE my babies.
They complete me (Jerry Maguire anyone??).
But they were both screaming all day long!
Plus Dave and I were arguing.
He THOUGHT he knew where we were going, but it turns out he didn't and was walking us for miles and miles for no good reason with two screaming kids.
I KNEW where we were going- and where I wanted to go.
So we aruged- in front of the kids and in front of my sister and her best friend.
Her best friend was worried, and asked my sister if we were okay? My sister nodded- like "This always happens. This is normal for them."
Yeah it is, I won't lie.
I was really annoyed at him, for quite a few blocks.
He ended up apologizing, but I was too fried and tired to really care.
We did go to the farmer's market, in prospect park, and it was wonderful.
The food was great and the people, way more down to earth- just my kind of people.
When we got home finally, the screaming stopped.
Hours later.
I was DONE for the day.
But apparently the day wasn't done with me.
I headed to my bedroom when I saw the horrific state of the main bathroom- and just HAD to clean it from top to bottom.
I hate filth and mess in my home- but that seems to be all there is. ARGH!
Last night, I couldn't sleep, I was exhausted but I couldn't fall deep asleep.
I found out why later, Levi was up all night long laughing and sometimes coughing. Oh and Violet threw up last night all over her pillow pets- so I did laundry at 4 a.m.
She's okay, she's had a cold for over a week, and it made her a little nauseous. She was fine afterwards, and happy. Puking isn't a huge deal for my daughter, since she used to gag herself just for fun. I know, strange kid.
So I didn't get much sleep and then I got to start the day all over again. WOOHOO!
Today I cleaned my kitchen- it's so white, I could cry.
Yes, this is how I deal with frustration, and anger. I clean.
How did I become this way??? HOW?! I'd love to know.
I also cooked dinner, wished dishes, took out the garbage.
I live this housewife kinda life- but it ain't me.
I wanna break free. I really do.
I day dream a lot, about my hopes and desires. They seem so far away sometimes.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the day, trying not to feel.
I guess this is my true bipolar moment at the core.
I'm fighting inside, just trying to make it through the day, like a normal person.
But truthfully that'll never be me.
I can pretend and play dress up, but in the end- who am I, really?


Sorry I'll cut this short- because I could go on forever.

As always, Kisses Bitches!

Bad dreams...

Today I woke up from a startling dream- which I will get to in a second- when I got up out of bed- that's when the pain set in.

From the accident yesterday of me falling on the subway stairs- I must have pulled several muscles I didn't even knew I had-when I landed on my knee- because my knee doesn't hurt, my entire thigh is killing me. I have been walking with a limp the entire day- because you all know I can't sit still to save my life. It hurts so badly and nothing- Advil nor Tylenol makes even a dent in the pain.

Hopefully it'll heal soon, the last thing I need is another freaking doctor visit.

The "dream" I had was about my mother.
Apparently in the dream itself- I had a vision of a very large blue bird slamming into my kitchen window and dying- it's a little bit more complicated than that- but I thought I'd sum it up quickly.

Everyone in my dream I explained the "vision" to, told me that meant my mother would die and I didn't have that much longer with her.
Even though several other things occurred in the dream- this thought stuck with me.
And I kept picturing my mom not being around- it really upset me.

When I saw her this morning- I thought about telling her about my dream, but I knew it would upset her- and I didn't feel like she was going to die today- so I might as well let her go to work in peace.

When she got back from work- she looked a wreck. She didn't feel well and was lightheaded.
I told her she has to take better care of herself.
She later told me her computer died at work today.
Dave and I just looked at each other.

I finally told her about my dream- and why I was concerned.
She was afraid at first- but I let her know- all I want her to do is be careful and I think everything should be okay.

As I've mentioned before- almost every dream I have- has come true in some way or another.
Of course there have been some ( only a handful) that are just my fears- or they play out very differently in the real world.

I feel like everything will be okay more or less. It just really shook me up thinking one day my mom could be gone- and the last thing I would say to her- might not be the last words I want her to remember, you know?

I can't get the vision out of my head. I just have to tell myself everything's going to be okay.

Kisses Mamas and Papas and..bitches:)

*photo found when looking up large blue bird- this bird looks very similar to the one in my dream- very eerie.

Please... you've got to help mee...

I took Violet to the doctor EARLY this morning. I was out of the house before 8 A.M.- ON A SATURDAY!

We don't know what's causing her to be sick- it could be a number of parasites- so they will be testing her for that. I also JUST got the list of things needed for Violet to be ALLOWED to start school- such as shots and things of the sort.

So today on top of everything she got her first TB shot. Oh my!

And Tuesday I have to go back to the doctor early in the morning to "read" her TB shot results- meaning she can't start school that day. Also on that day she might be receiving a few vaccines as well. And you all know how I feel about vaccines...

I feel so bad for my baby girl.

So today I took her shopping- for some much needed shoes and a book bag and lunch box.

Payless has an awesome sale right now and I had a twenty percent off coupon on top of that.

She LOVES shoes and bags- in this sense she is a girlie girl. But her favorite things are still the color blue and green and dinosaurs.

I have to see my doctor again soon. The medication he gave me for my thyroid isn't working- it's super low right now- I've been feeling my heartbeat going all over the place- I'm exhausted and my body hurts a lot.

I've been taking aspirin yet again. This always happens when my thyroid is really low and no one knows why.

I feel like I'm going to pass out- so I'll make this super quick.

On top of everything I had a very bizarre dream last night-

Eddie Murphy- YES- Eddie Murphy was in my dream. I have NO CLUE WHY.

And he told me I need to get myself checked out by a doctor. He signaled to my abdomen.

I said to him "Eddie Murphy, are you trying to tell me I have Cancer?"

To which he replied. "Yes."

Like I said bizarre.

So I really want to know my blood tests results now.

I'm not scared- I know no matter what- I'll live through it.

I just know this. I don't know how I know- I just do.

Dave just handed me two aspirin- and I'm gonna lay down now.

Thanks my beautiful bitches- for listening to my dumb ass.

Long Long Long day

I went to court today, yet again. Nothing has been solved.
The hunt for a lawyer continues. It's so exhausting.
I was up almost all night, freaking out. Basically having a total meltdown.
I was cycling really badly. And that only leads to bad things. So I took an extra Geodon. This medication works within 15 minutes (it's for my bipolar disorder). And started feeling much much better, thank goodness.
Violet was screaming most of the night because she was not feeling well.
So after court today, I made several calls and then took Violet for an emergency doctors appointment.
Violet has many health problems, all of which can't be addressed by just one doctor, it takes so many.
Right now the problem is she keeps getting UTIs ( urinary tract infections) we think this is because she has urinary reflux, which if left untreated can lead to kidney failure. Yes, kidney failure.
On top of trying to find a good lawyer, I'm trying to get better myself.
I've been sick nearly a month, as has my son. And now Violet.
I'm in the midst of getting her multiple doctors appointments and tests. It never ever ends.
Dave complains that I have half empty seltzers bottles all over the house.
This is because every single time I open a bottle and try to drink, something happens- either one of the kids wants the bottle, or someone calls, or the doorbell rings, you get the point.
So at this rate I have no time to drink, let alone eat. Last night I realized I barely ate all day. No wonder why I felt so horrible. Stress makes me even more sick and really nauseous- so even thinking about eating, when I'm freak out, just makes it worse.
Dave's going to try to help me out more with all the jobs I have. He sees it's really wearing me down a lot.
When he says this- I breathe a sigh of relief.
I feel bad for my husband. He rarely gets any sleep. There seems to be no time in the day or night, to get these much needed hours. I need more help around the house and with the kids, but I feel horrible asking for these things from him, because I know how tired he is.
It's a dreadful cycle. Ongoing cycle.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot and we have to fight to get back our medicaid and food stamps in the middle of all this chaos.
In the short time I was actually sleeping last night, I had a vision of the place I will eventually move to.
I asked God to show me where I would be living. I still don't know where, but I think it was someplace warm. My family and I lived in a house I had never ever seen before in my life. It was enormous compared to our apartment. Violet and Levi each had their own rooms. We had a two floor patio! It was amazing. The basement was pretty empty except for a washing machine and dryer. And...get this there was a leak from the ceiling of my basement. And I was ranting in the dream how we just freaking bought this place, how could this already be already happening?! Funny, huh?
Well this dream gave me hope. Hope I didn't have before. In the end I will have moved out of this toxic place and into a beautiful new home big enough for my family, where everyone would be happy and most importantly healthy.
Here's to hoping.

Thanks everyone, for all of your support through these rough times.
It's really appreciated.
Maybe my miracle is coming. Just maybe.

Come true to fast.

Seems that my dreams are coming true a little too fast for me.
The dream/vision I talked about in my last blog is the one I'm talking about.
My hair was starting to fall out a little less these past few days- then all of a sudden today- BAM! So much hair down the drain, I had to clean out the tub eight times!
It was intense. I was thinking about buying a turban- not the turban you're thinking about- the OTHER turban. The one worn by divas in old movies. You know, with huge sunglasses and a scarf. It's coming to that time, y'all.
My mom asked if I wanted a new wig- and I have NEVER turned down a wig before in my life!!! I'm not about to start now.
I was talking with a friend today and said- shaving your own head is one thing- but having the CHOICE to be bald be made for you- is another. They understood.
My hair doesn't look so bad right now- but if something doesn't change soon. Oh boy.
Dave says that I make a very sexy bald chick. Thanks Hun! But it's frustrating.
I went to the doctor yesterday and had tests done. They are also testing me for diabetes, as well as my vitamin levels.
I have SO many different doctors appointments to go to- cardiologist (chest pains), dermatologist (for my hair), neurologist (for my migraines), and Gyno (for the possible endometriosis). Oh man this sucks. The doctor thinks maybe they are all connected- but let's see. And the soonest dates I could get for all these appointments were in APRIL! I kind of need a doctor sooner than that. My main doctor definitely agrees with me.
So what do you think- Diva turban or brand new wig???
Dave wants to make this summer about Roller Boogie ( check out the movie it's hilarious- and ridiculously awesome). I keep telling him I SUCK at anything with wheels- but he won't take "NO" for an answer. Plus I'd love to be able to roller boogie (dancing while rollerskating). So he suggests I get a "Farrah" wig. HOLLA!
I'm also looking forward to the summer- everyday in the summer- is freaking magical for me.
I LOVE the summer. This summer I have Violet's THIRD birthday party and also Levi's FIRST birthday party to plan for.
I go all out for parties- I LOVE get togethers. I love the decorating, the goodie bags, the food, ALL of it.
And of course seeing my friends and family.
I'm trying to remain positive and not think the worst- some moments- all the things happening to my body get to me- but I gotta get myself back up. Find energy SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW.

Thanks everyone for all your support.

More to come. Thanks for listening:)


*photo of the brilliant, fabulous actress Maggie Gyllenhaal- looking very DIVA! I love it!

Dreams...

I have always had prophetic dreams- since I was a child.
The dreams- would either come true later that day- or week- or even month.
Not to say EVERY single dream of mine is prophet- some are just strange, and random- because I ate something horrible right before bed- I am human after all.
But I always know which ones will come true.
For example- two months before I defied all laws and got pregnant with Violet- I had a dream I had a little girl, and her name was Violet. That's how I knew I could have a child- and therefore did. I also dreamed I'd have a son, his name did not appear in the dream, which made it more difficult to name him, and that he would be blond- which he was.
Every time before I got really ill- I'd have a dream about it. There were many dreams that I was emaciated- and later that month or year- something would lead to that. Usually my eating disorders- but sometimes not.
This past week I've had very scary prophetic dreams.
Again, my dreams are not always so clear and cut- I usually have to decipher them- or later in the week when the dream plays out- I realize what the dream originally meant to tell me.
A friend of mine- asked me if I was a witch. If you have to be a witch to have visions- which I doubt- then I guess I am. But I believe all types of people have these gifts. Dave has fantastic intuition- and I trust it. Just as he usually trusts mine. If I tell him I have a bad feeling about something- he usually listens.
And it does play out- most of the time.
I believe most people have this ability, to dream their future, or have fantastic intuition, but most people don't it themselves enough, to believe it.
This dream I had early in the week- made me particularly nervous.
I was on a dock- actually there were THREE of me- on a dock.
One future, one present, and one- not so sure from what time.
One of them- I was completely bald ( shiny bald- I mean no hair!)- and sick, and emaciated- hugging the "other" me, wearing a brown wig and the other had blondish wavy long hair. All were different body types, but one was very very sickly thin.
I was looking at photographs of myself on the dock that had been overlapped, and had been taken at different moments in time- but at the same place. Made to look like there had been three of me at once.
Very strange, I know. Disturbing yes. It makes me think- wow I have got to get to the doctor quick! All these things that are happening to my body right now, are very scary. I wasn't as disturbs until I had the dream. Now I have a feeling of what the dream means- but I won't say it here.
I just wanted to give an example of what my dreams are like.
Another thing that can happen in a dream,I'll see someone I know in my dream- then ALWAYS later that day- see them. Doesn't matter if I haven't seen this person in years- I WILL see them that very day. It's bizarre and kind of fun at times.
Knowing this ahead of time.
I will leave you with this- listen to your dreams- even if they are very strange- they could be telling you something, even warning you.
Everyone has intuition- I think it's time to trust it.



More to come...
Stay tuned.