Me so tired

I'm so exhausted!!
I went with Violet for her second day of her new school.
But I haven't been sleeping well for DAYS!
Last night at 4 A.M. I was tossing and turning, Levi woke up and Dave was really nasty and mean to me- do I remember what he said exactly- no because it was FOUR O'CLOCK in the fucking morning.
WAY too early to be arguing.
He was feeling very ill last night and hadn't slept- so apparently it's okay to totally lose your temper as long as you have a "good" excuse?
While Dave was in the bathroom, I picked up Lee out of the crib to comfort him.
He was SO happy to see that it was me- not Dave- picking me up to cuddle.
He kept smiling at me and putting his head on my shoulder.
Then he played "face hugger"- by this I mean, have you seen the movie Aliens???
He took his finger and kept trying to put it in my mouth- then trying to put it in my nose- the whole time I'm laughing saying to him "Levi! You little face hugger!!"
He thought it was hilarious!
Eventually he got tired again and went back to sleep.
I finally fell asleep around 5:30 a.m. just to have to wake up an hour later to get Violet and me ready for the school bus.
Did I ever mention how much I hated school, back in the day. I mean absolutely HATED, DREADED freaking school.
So it's hilarious to me- that I'm waking up at this time to go with my daughter to her school.
She had another great day today at school.
This morning she even tried a piece of my bagel with cream cheese!!!
It's like a whole new Violet!!! Woohoo.
Well not completely- she still has a meltdown at meal time every single day, in school and at home.
A half an hour after we got home I had to rush her off to her sensory gym.
Two hours later, she had therapy at home- and that's when her mental breakdown started.
Screaming, crying- because she's exhausted.
I'm exhausted- and I don't run around half as much as she does- and on as little food as she does.
I have no idea where she gets the abundance of energy she has.
They wanted me to come to school again tomorrow, and even though I DO LOVE the school, and of course my child- and the other children as well- I need some freaking sleep!!!
All her classmates- They are some of the most amazing kids you'll ever meet!!
All these kids with all kinds of physical and learning disabilities- they are so sweet and kind.
I bonded with a few of them.
One boy in her class follows Violet around and sings her name to a made up melody.
The kids were following me around the classroom, coming up to me- playing with me.
It's such an amazing experience- I cannot even describe how much I adore these kids- even after only two days.
Everyone at this school is so lucky, including the teachers.
Good thing is they have an open door policy, and I can come anytime I'd like.
I should be sleeping right now- but instead I'm typing.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my own husband.
His emotions are all over the place.
I LOVE that after he blew up at me this morning, he said I was being oversensitive- that's when I said- "Whoa- back up!"
"In a few minutes you are going to realize that you just blew your fucking top- for no good reason- and you are going to feel really bad that you did that."
At that point, he apologized.
I wanted him to go to the doctor today- but he avoids the doctor like the plague.
Where is a fucking blow dart when I need it????
But instead of knocking him out- it'll just make him be nice.
Man I WANT that freaking drug!!!
On another note- I've been trying to schedule that second mammogram because something is going on with my left breast.
Instead of being sad or depressed about the possibility of cancer- I make jokes about it- at my expense. It puts my family at ease and they laugh a little. My dad hates that I make jokes about the lump.
Finally my mom had to tell him, it's better for me to laugh about it- than cry.
He decided to donate one day of his salary to Breast Cancer Foundation. I found that really touching- since my dad doesn't communicate his feelings very well at all- especially about me- except if he's mad at me- that he's always expressed really really well.


So I'll end this blog here for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!

Figured out something...

yesterday was really really shitty!
But it had it's moments.
I woke up early- after not really sleeping all night long- a daily occurrence sad to say.
Took a shower- which ended up being FREAKING COLD!
But I didn't let that get me in a bad mood just yet.
Levi had therapy in the morning.
I got dressed up- skirt, tights, button down shirt, brown fake leather "members only" jacket (don't hate!)and red cowboy boots- cuz that's how I roll.
Anywhoo-
I had gotten dressed up to go to the realty agents office- and meet them for the first time.
Turns out it wasn't very cold yesterday- kind warm.
Jacket was a BAD idea.
When I got to the skeazy building- I walked up a flight-
Saw what a shitty little freaking room this office was- and PACKED with agents, practically all sweating on top of each other.
The receptionist asked me if I was here for a job interview?
I took out my headphones- I thought I had misheard her. Nope- she thought I was there for a job.
I told her no, that I have an appointment with an agent to look for apartments.
She immediately told me to sign a contract!
Are you for REAL?!!!!
The contract was insane!!! I started sweating so badly- I don't know if it was just nerves, or my members only jacket or that it was insanely hot in that office- or everything put together.
I walked out. NOT signing a contract-
I learned a long time ago from modeling contracts it's REALLY easy to be fucked over.
I rushed home.
Then it was Violet's turn for therapy.
And I realized everything was going to change sooner rather than later- way before we even move.
We were going to lose all our kids' therapists- which have now become our good friends.
I felt like crying. Probably because the day wasn't going so well.
I've been calling my doctor for four days now- with no response.
Very frustrating.
Then I had to rush Violet to her sensory gym.
When we finally left the gym, I got a message from Dave asking me to pick up something WAY out of my way home.
ARGH!
I gave Violet while I was pushing her in the stroller- a blue sippy cup, a cracker and...a blue feather- she was content.
If you knew my daughter you'd understand why.
I got what Dave needed and headed on my way home finally- around six in the evening.
Violet was excited to be heading home so she was shaking her head and legs in the air on the way home-
shaking that blue feather proudly!
Yeah- My daughter is special- NO SURPRISE!
I laughed at people's reactions to her.
I got home, only to immediately have to cook dinner.
Dave and I got into an argument right before I had to cook dinner- not putting me in a good mood.
While everyone ate dinner- I had a sandwich- peanut butter and nutella- I didn't want the dinner after all.
Then headed for the shower again- I thought I could have maybe just maybe some minutes alone.
Thank goodness the hot water was back on!!!
I washed my hair- which is falling out at a greater pace-
And that's when I found it- another lump in my left breast.
I didn't even cry at this point- didn't shed one tear all day.
When I got out of the shower the kids were being put into their cribs and I had to figure out how to tell my family what I'd just found.
I had Dave feel it so that I knew I wasn't crazy.
He did- and was sad. Our argument had ended at that point.
I went into the living room to watch some T.V. with Dave, my sister and mom on the couch.
At the end of the show I finally told my mom-
she was upset.
I told her even though I'm very sad to lose all our therapists, I can't wait to get out of this toxic horrible apartment.
She agreed.

That was my day.

P.S. Sometime after 3a.m., both Dave and I were awake, and for some reason, he started whispering to me (see if you get it before I reach the end!): "I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn, listenin' for the telephone. But when I get your call, I'm all choked up. Can't believe you called my home. And as a matter of fact, it blows my mind you would even talk to me. Cuz a girl like you's like a dream come true. I'm livin' in ecstasy. No matter what your friends try to tell ya, we were meant to fall in love. And we will be together, any kinda weather. It's like that. It's like that!" He never got to say "every little step I take" because we were both cracking up by then. Bobby Brown.

Kisses Bitches! Every step I take MoFO!

Boob day

I hadn't slept in four days- I was nervous about yesterday's mammogram.
One of my very best gals came with me- I felt honored. I filled out some forms.
They finally called me in, and immediately took me aside.
The nurse asked me if I've ever had a mammogram before- I replied yes, and sonogram, so on and so on.
She said she didn't want to expose me to that much radiation- to which I laughed.
Because I've had several CatScans and MRI- pretty much every year for about 17 years straight.
Then I told her what was wrong- the pain in my left breast , that I haven't been able to wear bras for over a week.
She talked to her supervisor- and then said to me just like this:
" I'm so sorry but we have to reschedule this mammogram for today.
If this was just an annual mammogram there wouldn't be a problem, but-
there's obviously a serious problem here, and we need a radiologist present.
He will look at the mammogram film at the moment it's being done and he may send you for a sonogram as well, and maybe something after that- that same day."
Wow! That took the wind out of me!
I scheduled it for Tuesday morning at 9:30 A.M.
She apologized. And said the person that made the appointment- they had no idea I would need the radiologist present.
I asked her if I should still keep my breast surgeon appointment for that following Friday, October 7th.
She said "Keep it!"
Okay- so now I won't sleep till Tuesday.
I was in a lot of pain last night and couldn't sleep, I took a pain killer- which made me yap away for the next two hours- then pass the fuck out.
Finally.
So here I am today- still uncomfortable and not feeling well. I'm so tired even though I got a lot of sleep. My body hurts really badly. I can't wait to get some answers.
I HOPE they'll have some answers for me.
My friends and family- know that I want both breasts removed- I've wanted this for over four years now- no reconstruction- no implants.
Most people look at me like I'm crazy when I say this- but it's my body, not there's.
My boobs my problem- your boobs- YOUR problem.

Kisses Bitches - Check YOUR TA-TAS MAMAS!!!

Ta-Tas- the on going saga

Hey guys and gals-
It's the beginning of the week and so much has happened already.
I had a horrible weekend- that was truly bipolar.
I was suffering and truly was hitting a new low.
I was on the phone with my therapist, and we had talked about me going back to the institution.
Yeah- THAT bad.
Thankfully I pulled through and I'm now back on Geodon.
It has been my life saver- literally.
I'm in a much much much better mood now. Phew!!
I have to tell you all that I went to the doctor today- because my left breast has been bothering me again-
Yes, again: I went through a really bad time about four years ago.
I felt a lump in my left breast and had it biopsied (very very freaking painful!), mammograms, sonograms, everything- four years ago.
Everything turned out okay, but they couldn't guarantee that wouldn't happen again.
It was one of the scariest times in my life.
I wanted both my breasts removed at that time- I never wanted to experience that pain and fear ever again.
But of course doctors didn't listen- because I was labeled "bipolar" they thought I was crazy.
One doctor agreed with me but it wasn't enough to plead my case to the insurance company.
After that- I never felt the same about my breasts- these things could kill me.
I was uncomfortable in my own skin.
I felt the minute I started liking my breast again, something bad would happen.
And here we are today.
I have had pain in my left breast- the very same breast that had the lump years ago.
I had to yell at Dave to come to the doctor with me.
He didn't understand why I needed him there!
He decided after my yelling- to come with me.
Truth was I was very scared to be in the same position I was years ago, especially alone- my nightmare.
He didn't talk to me much on the way there. I was yapping my head off because I was nervous- I talk a LOT that's how I deal. TOUGH!
I was in the doctor's office when I explained the things that've been happening.
I undressed- he examined my ta-tas.
I love that the doctor felt nervous- because he's a man and Dave was watching him do this.
I have no problem being nude- as you all know very well ( used to be a nude model).
Afterwards he told me I need to see a breast surgeon and get another mammogram.
When he said that- I felt like crying- but you all know I hate crying especially in public, so I didn't. I held it all in.
He then asked if I wanted to get dressed, I said sure- and did so in front of him, he was so bashful and told me he'd would look the other way. I found it funny.
When I turned to Dave, half-naked to put on my clothes Dave said quickly "More for me!"
Always cracking jokes!
Finally he spoke!!
After that he talked to me on our way home.
I needed a perk me up- because I was feeling depressed again, not too bad- but there WAS a reason for feeling this way.
So a Ricky's store was a block away ( my favorite store of all time!!!) It's a beauty HAVEN!!!
I just looked at everything- and all the colors and hair accessories and wigs- made me feel better.
Did I mention my hair's falling out again- yeah.
No matter what- I'm gonna look fabulous!
I hope this is my last time going through this- and they cut my ta-tas off.
Dave and I used to joke- we'd put my boobs in jars and ask people if they wanted to see my boobs?!
Yeah- we have a really gross sense of humor- but how else to you get through times like this- I'd much rather laugh than cry- any day.
My mom told my dad why I went to the doctor (while I was out) he was home because he just had knee surgery. When I came home- he tried to show me he was worried and felt bad for me, and put his arm awkwardly around my shoulders.
I told him "I'll be fine Dad, they're JUST boobies!" Trying to make light of the situation.
I always have a hard time sharing feelings with my dad and vice versa.
But I appreciated the effort he made.

That's the news for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!! Check your ta-tas MAMAS!!!

Tits and Ass!

After writing this morning's blog post, I had to go to 125th street for a meeting with CPSE.
Remember- I was low on clean clothes. So I stuffed myself into, a tight pair of shredded jeans and a preppy collared shirt- yeahhhh- not my favorite outfit to say the least.
It was uncomfortable.
I went to catch the uptown train, and ran into a nearly empty train car- only to find out there wasn't any air conditioning!!! So I quickly stepped out and headed to another car- and saw the doors close! The conductor stuck his head out and said- "Hey, is something wrong with that car?" To which I replied, "yeah, it's too hot." I asked if he could please please please open the train door, to which- he looked me up and down- smiled and quickly opened the door!
HELLS FUCKING YES!!! Things are looking my way! This is awesome!
When I got to my stop, I saw the conductor again, and said "Thanks again, have a great day!"
He then replied- "Oh yeaaah sweetheart- you too."
So even in this busted up outfit, I still got moves.
I saw a reflection of myself- and realized the jeans that I stuffed my ass into- made me look like I had ass and hips for days- ya know what I mean?
But instead of being self conscious I decided to work with it and I felt empowered.
On 125th street I had to walk by so many projects and a whole lot gangstas.
I gave them all whiplash as I walked by.
So instead of feeling like a victim, I felt in control. Like I was in charge. It was kind of fun.
The shirt I was wearing wasn't showy at all, but still men looked. It was very perplexing.
The meeting went well. I finally got the services I've been fighting for months for my daughter. Overall it was a good day.
The downtown local train wasn't working, so I had to go uptown- to then transfer and go back downtown. It was confusing. On the way uptown, at 137th street station I saw someone I knew. I don't believe at all in "coincidences"- this was fate. I'd met an awesome jeweler back when I did the block fair a couple of months back. We actually live only two blocks apart from each other- but we met on 137th street!!! It's was crazy!
So we talked all the way back home.
Shout out to my girl, Peta!!! You're awesome!!!
After a day like today- I'm actually loving my body- and feeling very confident in it. I like days like today- where things work out.
My friend wrote a blog about- boobs!- after reading my -boobie blog- and it's so great!!!- check it out-
http://thelifeandtimesofanymutt.blogspot.com/2010/07/boob-rant.html

I, like her, developed boobies- at an early age, age 11 to be exact.

Boobies aren't the only word I use for breasts, there's are jugs, bazoombaas, melons, jugaroos, tittyballs (Dave's fave). I use them all and many many more- because it's funny- that why!

I noticed in fifth grade, boys were looking at me differently. In junior high school it was even worse, because I had ass, hips and boobs- so I was very self conscious of my body and the way people looked at me.

I was always a very sexual person, I mean my first crush was when I was a little kid- on Supergirl ( from the movie- if you don't know this movie than you are a wee-little-baby), in a way I was kind of hyper-sexual, from a very young age. Then add that I was a total and complete flirt- so I was trouble. But I didn't lose my virginity, until I was "of age", that was the one thing I held onto and did everything else- BUT that, until then. I'm actually glad I did, because my mania really kicked in after I had sex for the first time. So if I'd lost it early on- I would've been a mess! Most bipolar are nymphomaniacs- well all the ones I've ever known, including me.

I really admire my friends that wait until they are ready to have sex. I still think that is the very best way to go, and to not rush these things because sex DOES change you in some way shape or form- forever.

There were a few guys, that tried to force me, leading to a few bruises on me AND them- don't worry they didn't succeed.

Plus I was a hot fucking mess in my teenage years- I still to this day hate the way I looked back then. So g-d bless you if you liked me back then, really G-d bless you.

But all that's in the past- and today I felt good about myself. And I'm more confident being nearly thirty years old- than I ever was at 13, 14 years old.

Now I LOVE my tits and ass- and I thank g-d for it.

G-d bless curves everywhere!!! Big and small.

Work your inner Diva- and even if you don't feel confident NOW- you should FAKE it until you do- because there are always people that will find you attractive- no matter what size or shape.

Feel good about yourself- and people will follow. Heck you might even meet Mister or Miss right? Who knows.

Confidence has always caught my eye.

Kisses Bitches!!! And work those tits and ASS!

*beautiful photo of Marilyn Monroe

F*CK BREASTS!

Some of you may know and some may not-
I had a biopsy of a lump in my breast a few months before I get pregnant with Violet.
It was benign, thank goodness.
But that day...waiting for the results- was one of the worst days of my life.
And I never wanted to go through that ever again.
At that point I decided I wanted a full mastectomy ( having both breasts fully removed). A lot of my friends and family felt that was way too drastic a decision to make at such a young age- 25 years old.
Every doctor told me- I may want kids someday and want to breastfeed.
Let me just say this- I've had two kids and with both kids found it incredibly difficult to breastfeed- it was torture everyday till I decided to stop.
I STILL wish I'd had a full mastectomy done.
My back story-
I developed at a very very very young age. I had boobs- size B by the time I was in fifth grade! Which is insane and made me very self-conscience about my body- boys looked at me differently. I didn't have a kid's body anymore.
During High School- through the help of my gay friends-who definitely appreciate big boobs- they helped me be happy with them. But after high school and with my eating disorders my boobs went way up and waaaaaaaay down- double A cup.
I prefer my body with little- to no boobs. I do- I feel awkward with my boobs. Especially since the biopsy- I feel like any day I could get another lump- and have them removed. So I no longer feel attached to my boobs.
I haven't met many people that understand my way of thinking- except for breast cancer survivors and their family members.
The doctors I went to try to get my boobs removed would not do it unless I was diagnosed with cancer. Which is crazy because it can happen- there's no guarantee that it won't happen. Having them removed before the fact could save money- on doctor's visits and surgery and chemo in the long run. But all the doctors I saw were afraid to do it because they thought I'd change my mind and sue them.
I tried to explain to them the type of person I am- that when I make a decision- that's it. Like with my tatts- I had done at age 16 and 17- I don't like the way they look- they look cheap and warped- but I'm not getting them removed nor am I ashamed of them- they're a part of me forever.
So basically the decision I've come to in my life- F*CK BREASTS! F*ck doctors.
I know what's right for my body and my mind- they don't and never ever will.