Tuesday, September 29, 2009


This by far is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life- not performing on stage, singing or acting or modeling nude, public speaking, nothing compares to being a mom. Especially a mom of two. It's learning to juggle- time, patience, objects, food - you name it. I've become quicker and better at multitasking than I've ever been. It's scary and rewarding- but not instantly. It'll be awhile till my daughter will say "I love you mommy." Even more years till my son says it.
I try to be a better mom every single day. Nothing keeps me on my toes more than being a mom. I get up out of bed everyday for them. With Bipolar- I suffer from depression- depression so bad- I can't function. But being a mom of two doesn't allow for that. I don't have time to be sick, rest or even pee alone. Too much information you might say- but that's all I do- talk openly- without regret about all things too personal for others to even think of sharing.
I prize my children because for many years I thought I'd never have children. I was told by doctors I wouldn't be able to conceive. I'd suffered from endometriosis- Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body. Which would prevent me from having children.
Very few of my friends know that I've had two miscarriages- one before getting pregnant which each of my children. So technically I've had four pregnancies.
And the pregnancies I had that did produce my children were very very difficult physically and I was on bed rest to prevent me from miscarrying again.
I've had two c-sections because I was unable to give birth naturally. Which I would've loved- being able to do a natural water birth-drug free.
But it's not possible to have surgery drug-free as everyone knows. haha.
The more drugs the better when you're being cut up.
I got pregnant with Violet after I had a dream a few months before that I had a four year old daughter named Violet. I knew after that dream I COULD get pregnant and that I WOULD have a daughter. I've had had premonitions since I was very little.
My dreams are usually premonitions- but never clear- always hard for me to figure out what they mean before they actually happen. I knew I was going to have a son before I was even pregnant with Levi.
Anyway- getting back to the topic of motherhood. I'm happier than I've ever been. Even though I'm more terrified than I've ever been in my life.
Having children is scary as hell. I worry for their safety every single second of the day. Especially with Violet since she puts her life in danger all the time- having no regard for her own safety- as she leaps off the couch or out of her crib- without a care in the world other than having a blast. Breastfeeding is also difficult because my son is ALWAYS hungry- he never stops eating- ever. So I have to supplement with formula- which I hate.
But I'll do whatever it takes- to feed and clothe my children and keep them smiling and laughing. After all that's my job- my purpose- one of my amazing purposes in life.
To be the greatest mom I can be and try to be greater each and every single day.


  1. And this is why I call u even if it is past my bed time....;-)
    We totally need to talk soon cause u don't know how much we have in common...
    I mean freaky!!

  2. I'm believe you!!! We DO need to talk!