Dave finally WON!

Yesterday was a humiliating day- or just another day for me.
Dave had been attacking me with scissors for a few days now- I was tiring of it.
Dave fixed the hair buzzer yesterday and bullied me into letting him buzz my hair off. I was nervous- nervous to the point of nausea- because I have issues with authority, and hate when someone is MAKING me do anything- hate it!
But Dave is probably the only person on the planet that can force me to do anything- and he knows this, DAMN IT!
He got loud with me and I couldn't take it anymore- so I bent over the tub- and let him buzz away at my scalp.
Oh the joy- I mean this as sarcastically as possible.
Afterwards me left me- bald and a little shaken- like a sheep that had just been sheared- to go take care of Violet who had just woken up from a short nap.
There I was alone- left to clean up the hair and wash myself off.
I stared at myself in my tiny little mirror- and saw every flaw- flaws that I'd never seen before. Because when you're bald there's no hiding ANYTHING, no blemish, no bump, not anything.
Oy, this was going to be hard.
I felt like I was going in circles- how many times was I going to be bald in my lifetime? Seriously!
I walked into my living room, where Dave, Kayla and my kids were hanging out.
Awaiting their reactions.
My sister right away said how much she liked it. Dave looked proud of myself- I was still a little upset at how he bullied me.
I walked up to Levi, my son- who smiled and giggled. Yeah- that's WAY better than crying hysterically. I'll take giggling.
Violet didn't seem to mind either.
My mom saw it later that day, and said- "Oh my, I'll have to get used to this look again. It'll take me some time." Thanks mom, for the vote of confidence.
I knew from that point on I'd be getting some negative feedback from the people I knew- and of course they people I don't.
Whatever I seem to do angers people, I don't know why- whether it be the pair of glasses I'm wearing, the clothes, or the hairdo- doesn't matter- I anger people.
And sometimes I think that's a good thing.
An ode to punks- old school punks- not the hot topic, dress-a-like, talk-a-like, look-a-like punks that are around nowadays. Fuck those PUNKS!
When your "punk" outfit costs more than a few bucks- you're officially NOT a punk anymore.
That's my opinion anyways-
BTW my head wasn't shaved- it was buzzed- with a number 2 attachment- for all those girls out there that have no idea what I'm talking about- I pity you.
There is one sound in this world that still gives me goosebumps-good goosebumps- to this very day- the sounds of electric appliance buzzing- because that means either I'm getting a haircut- or a tattoo- the two things I really LOVE getting done in this world.
Speaking of tattoo- I'm thinking of finally getting my head tattooed. I've been thinking about this for YEARS. Now if I could only decide on a fabulous tattoo.
Any ideas???


let me know.
I'll be posting photos of my new do- ASAP.
You know it can't be just any photo- it's got to be FIERCE!

Love and kisses to all my bitches!!!!

More to come...

Make it FIERCE!

My old motto for a very long time was "Work it! Love it! Live it! Flaunt it!"
I definitely feel I haven't been living up to this in awhile.
My new motto- "I'm a model. I'm a mom. I'm a CUNT! I'm fabulous!"
If you knew me- you'd know this works well for me.
I've been extra stressed these past few days- and it's wearing on me.
As I was listening to my music, and of course do housework, dishes in this case, I realize no matter what is happening to me physically- I'm not giving up without a fucking fight!
Earlier today the handyman in my building came to my apartment to help me unclog my severely clogged bathtub drain. He worked so damn hard. And then said to me-"There's too much hair in the drain", to which I replied frankly "I'm very ill and losing my hair". At which point his whole attitude changed and he was SO nice and kind to me, which was a definite change from his usual attitude towards me.
After saying that I felt like crying- and I HATE crying- it shows weakness- and I can't stand it. So when I'm crying- it's because I can't hold it back any longer.
I teared a tiny bit- just enough for me to realize- this is really FUCKED UP.
And no loss of anything other than my family- will make me upset. Material items, nothing. So losing my hair- I'm not going to waste my time and energy- being distraught anymore.
As I write this- my hair is falling to my shoulders- yep it's THAT bad. And hopefully a doctor will find out what the flying fuck is happening to me- because this happened long before this stress started happening.
Dave offered earlier today, to shave my head for me, and his to make me feel better.
and I froze- because I wasn't ready. Whatever is happening- it's going to be on MY terms. I'm a fighter- so yes- hair oh lovely hair- I love you. I'm obsessed with you. But you ain't worth nothing to me no more. Fuck this shit!
If I'm gonna be bald- I'm gonna be a fierce bitch! Watch out.
I'll work it.

This blog I actually wrote two whole days ago-
I didn't want to publish this blog until I shaved my head.
Well shortly after writing this- my beloved buzzer broke! Dave was upset because he REALLY wanted to buzz my head.
Since then he's been trying to attack me with scissors- saying "I can totally do THIS! Don't you trust me?!"
To which I reply "NO!" Because the LAST time is shaved my head with a razor I was 8 months pregnant with Violet, and he cut my head up. I TOTALLY don't trust him with a blade.
Oh yeah and yesterday was a day from FUCKING hell. My sister passed out, hit her head and went by ambulance to the hospital. Don't worry she's okay and she's home safe and sound.
Both of us have been suffering from extremely low blood pressure. I will never get that image of her head hitting the wall out of my mind. I was super affectionate to her while waiting for the ambulance- and told her" See? I'm affectionate when it counts." She laughed. After all she's my baby, she's like a daughter to me. I've never been so scared.
Usually there's at least a few minutes between when someone says they're not feeling well- to the time they go limp. At least this happens in my case- thank goodness- enough time to take aspirin and lay the fuck down. Well this is NOT the case with my sister.
And after all this happened yesterday- Dave was still coming after me with scissors.
I better get a buzzer quick otherwise Dave will WIN. Meaning I will LOSE.

Kisses to my beautiful bitches!

BTW "Don't be offended by me calling you bitches. I call you bitches because I don't know all your names individually."- Katt Williams. AMEN!

Why Antibiotics suck so much for Bipolars...

Antibiotics SUCK!
I have a horrible sinus infection and ran to the doctors today to get a persciption for antibiotics. The coughing mixed with my heart problems- not doing too well. Chest really hurts at the moment. So I'm not allowed any good cold/cough medication. And that's such a bummer- because I can't sleep!
Now I've introduced antibiotics into my body- and BAM!!!!
What was stable a moment ago- all out the window right now. I'm cycling, anxious, jittery- ARGH!!!
Dave and my son are sick now. As a mom- I go into what I call "turbo" mode- where I see what needs to get done, and do it- forget all the pain I'm in. I can get like 17 things done at once. I don't think I've ever cooked dinner so fast in my life!
But when everything is finally quiet, and everyone is asleep- for the time being- it's just me and my crazy thoughts racing.
I really do wish I had bipolar friends to talk to. But as I've mentioned before- all my old bipolar friends- are sad to say, dead. You never hear of a happy ending for a bipolar- all the ones I knew had very short lives- and they weren't happy ones at that. Many bipolars I knew, were abused as children, but that's a whole other subject all together. But in a lot of cases trauma happened to them as a child.
I wish I knew bipolars that were functioning, and happy, maybe even had a family.
That's asking for too much right?
A lot of my friends look at my life and think I got this all figured out.
I'm married, I got two kids, everything's good right? I seem somewhat stable?
As much as I am an open book, there are MANY things I don't talk about. I don't go into a lot of detail about my parents, my sister, or Dave.
I feel it wouldn't be fair to them.
I feel a lot of my life has been about fighting. Fighting constantly- with everyone, with everything. It leaves my exhausted. Fighting and arguing all the time.
I think there's a lot of pressure on me- to be successful- in my marriage, as a mother. To not fail. To not go back into the hospital, to not breakdown. I have to be strong- there are several people depending on me every second of every day.
And for the most part- that's what keeps me going. If I was on my own, with no family, I'd be so fucked up. I'd be a mess. Because I wouldn't care. I never cared what happened to me- when manic or depressed, hence the suicidal tendencies. But having it not be ALL about me- but instead be about my children and my family- changes the dynamic.
My children saved my life. They changed me. And yes being a parent is the HARDEST thing imaginable. Really some days- I can't take it, I feel overwhelmed and like I can't go on. And I'll admit it- I have had suicidal thoughts since becoming a parent. It's the disease- the depression that takes over my whole being- and infects my mind. But thinking of my children kept me from doing it. My kids are what drive me to live each day- nothing else.
I am Bipolar- and that will never change. As stable as I feel most times, there's another bad feeling just around the bend. This is my life. I have to work on controlling it all the time. I don't get breaks. Breaks from being a mom, from being bipolar.
When I take antibiotics, it throws me completely off my game, not physically, but mentally. It counteracts my bipolar medication- and basically fucks me up.
And I know it's the medication, and I have to keep reminding myself it's the medication and not real, the feelings I have- that it'll all go back to normal when the tens days are up and I finish taking the antibiotics. But until then- I'm definitely struggling. Badly.
I want my kids to be okay. I want Dave to feel better. There's all these thoughts in my mind, racing.
I want more help, and support. I'm so busy taking care of everyone- I forget who I am all the time. I feel lost- when alone by myself. Alone with my thoughts.
Like no one understands me- there's no one to talk to.
So I write on my computer, in the dark, listening to everyone snore.
I'm so awake right now- it's ridiculous because I haven't had a decent sleep in days.

Well that's all from me for now. Wish me luck.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Kisses my beautiful bitches!

Anti-Cool: the Movement

I came up with this notion a few years back.
Back then I called it My Revolution, now it's more a movement really.
Anti-cool: basically doing everything in your power to be NOT cool. Meaning whatever society finds beautiful, or accepting- do the opposite. Not for them- but for yourself.
After being in the fashion industry for over tens years- I've learned a lot.
Mainly how I don't "fit" in.
I was always too __________ (fill in the blank).
Too tattooed. Too out-there. Or the opposite happened- I wasn't tattooed ENOUGH. I wasn't strange enough. Very bizarre. And things change from minute to minute.
What was "in" one season was "out" the next. The fashion industry is very wishy-washy.
And it was always so frustrating for me. Do they want me to look like this?? or that??? I never knew- and I was always wrong.
So about two years ago- I gave up all together- I decided whatever they wanted me to look like- I as going to do the opposite. So I dyed my hair green, shaved off my eyebrows, purposely bought outrageously weird looking eyeglasses- the whole deal. I dressed awkward. You name it. And believe me every time I shaved my head- there were many people that found it unappealing and told me so- on the street- to let me know how WRONG I was. Same thing when I was heavily pierced, people told me on the street how ugly I was. I don't know why they felt the NEED to tell me this- but whatever- no biggie. I used to take it to heart, and be upset- now I learned to take it as a compliment. If they DON'T like it- then I'm doing something RIGHT.
I kind of lost my focus on my anti-cool movement, since I was pregnant with Levi.
Now I'm feeling the focus coming back to me now.
I've been on so many casting calls in my days- and rejected, rejected, rejected.
It wears a person down. And the jobs I do get aren't usually the ones I'm pining over.
Everything I do- I'm told will ruin my career- to that I say- the job I get for looking the way I WANT- will be a life changer, for sure. That's the job I want.
So many things have been happening to me physically. And I find there are days I want to be invisible. And if there were a way- I'd use it. The thing I found be trying to be ugly- by societies standards- does make a person as close to invisible as possible. strange I know, but people don't like to look at "the ugly", people are usually attracted to the "beautiful". Whatever that may mean.
It means different things to different people.
In my neighbor, nearly everyone is a yuppie. They're children are brats usually.
So the minute I step out the door- I know I'm already hated. For having tattoos on my neck, for being different in any way. I'm thought of as lower class, and treated as such. That's why I find more comfort at the ghetto playgrounds, with my kids- because I feel we're all equal. We're all poor and don't have nannies, or cooks, or maids.
I'm feeling very anti-cool at the moment. Especially with my hair falling out and my body falling a part. I really do want to be invisible. I feel things would be a lot easier.
I'm not going to get the part of the mom in a commercial anyway- or the part of the tattooed chick. So fuck it- let's do this already.
Let me know you're feelings on the movement- let's make it one. Fuck the MAN. Fuck society. Just FUCK IT!


Kisses Bitches!

*photo of Violet a few months old- with onesie designed by me- my Anti-cool Baby!!!

Long time no write.

Sorry it's been a whole 5 days!
I feel like so much has happened since then.
First Violet got a bug from school. She had a very high fever and her stomach was upset. I don't feel so hot either- we share everything. Sloppy kisses, you name it- but that's part of the joys of being a mommy- the sloppy kisses I mean- not the sharing of viruses.
I actually got a chance to watch mind numbing television yesterday- well kind of.
Usually when I get a chance I like to catch up on my favorite shows I've missed and recorded. This time, my mom was watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels- so I decided to chillax next to her and watch it with her.
First of all, let me just say- they are a breathe of fresh air- as far as famous families go. Their kids are awesome, and overall good people. Which is rare.
Shannon, Gene Simmons long time girlfriend (I don't think they should ever marry- because really- there's no need- if things are working this way- then they should stay this way- that's my opinion), found a lump in her breast and had two biopsies.
This hits me close to home, since I've been through this only months before being pregnant with Violet.
Shannon is in my opinion, a very strong woman. She handled it extremely well.
A lot better than I did. The biopsy hurts like a BITCH from hell! And I'm not afraid of needles at all- since with all my health problems I'm stuck with them all the time. But wow- that hurt more than words can describe.
When I went through that, I wanted my breasts removed immediately but no doctor would do it- because insurance wouldn't pay for it. Which is ridiculous when you think of it- it's a preventive measure- but insurance won't pay for it- unless you ALREADY have cancer. This is so stupid.
I still wish I'd have gotten it done. Fuck breasts! That's what I always say.
For all the reasons they gave me NOT to remove them- that I might have children and want to breast feed. Yes I did have children and I did breast feed both children- for a very short time because physically I couldn't and it was a very painful experience- emotionally as well.
I also made a living by modeling nude. Yes, nude. I'm not ashamed. The photos were art, not porn. But this is how I made money- basically for my boobs and body.
And I STILL wanted them removed. I was told that would hurt my modeling career severely- but I knew this is what I wanted. And I'd still find a way to make a living modeling. If I could afford to remove them, I would in a heart beat. That day-after my biopsy, not knowing what the results would be, was one of the WORST days of my life. And knowing I might have to go through that again someday, terrifies me to the core. I took a self- portrait that month of myself with scissors to my breast. It horrified many of my friends, so even though I still have these images, and would like to post them, I will not because it might scare some people.
I took these photos, because I was angry. Angry at the doctors and my insurance- for not obeying my wishes and making the decision for me. I hate not being in control of my own life and body. I did not harm myself- so don't go worrying about me. I've been suicidal in the past- that time was NOT one of them.
Anyway- watching things like that strike a nerve in me- but I'm SO glad she chose to share that with everyone- because this could save many peoples lives. Kudos to her.
On another note- I scheduled Violet's 24 hour stay in the hospital, but now I might have to reschedule it for later in April due to my health. I'm supposed to stay with her overnight, but with my recent frequent heart problems, I can't do that.
I'm living off aspirin. It's my best friend now, that's for sure.
I have many doctors appointments coming up- I just want answers at this point.

That's all for now- God bless all of you- and CHECK your breasts- yes even you guys out there.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Come true to fast.

Seems that my dreams are coming true a little too fast for me.
The dream/vision I talked about in my last blog is the one I'm talking about.
My hair was starting to fall out a little less these past few days- then all of a sudden today- BAM! So much hair down the drain, I had to clean out the tub eight times!
It was intense. I was thinking about buying a turban- not the turban you're thinking about- the OTHER turban. The one worn by divas in old movies. You know, with huge sunglasses and a scarf. It's coming to that time, y'all.
My mom asked if I wanted a new wig- and I have NEVER turned down a wig before in my life!!! I'm not about to start now.
I was talking with a friend today and said- shaving your own head is one thing- but having the CHOICE to be bald be made for you- is another. They understood.
My hair doesn't look so bad right now- but if something doesn't change soon. Oh boy.
Dave says that I make a very sexy bald chick. Thanks Hun! But it's frustrating.
I went to the doctor yesterday and had tests done. They are also testing me for diabetes, as well as my vitamin levels.
I have SO many different doctors appointments to go to- cardiologist (chest pains), dermatologist (for my hair), neurologist (for my migraines), and Gyno (for the possible endometriosis). Oh man this sucks. The doctor thinks maybe they are all connected- but let's see. And the soonest dates I could get for all these appointments were in APRIL! I kind of need a doctor sooner than that. My main doctor definitely agrees with me.
So what do you think- Diva turban or brand new wig???
Dave wants to make this summer about Roller Boogie ( check out the movie it's hilarious- and ridiculously awesome). I keep telling him I SUCK at anything with wheels- but he won't take "NO" for an answer. Plus I'd love to be able to roller boogie (dancing while rollerskating). So he suggests I get a "Farrah" wig. HOLLA!
I'm also looking forward to the summer- everyday in the summer- is freaking magical for me.
I LOVE the summer. This summer I have Violet's THIRD birthday party and also Levi's FIRST birthday party to plan for.
I go all out for parties- I LOVE get togethers. I love the decorating, the goodie bags, the food, ALL of it.
And of course seeing my friends and family.
I'm trying to remain positive and not think the worst- some moments- all the things happening to my body get to me- but I gotta get myself back up. Find energy SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW.

Thanks everyone for all your support.

More to come. Thanks for listening:)


*photo of the brilliant, fabulous actress Maggie Gyllenhaal- looking very DIVA! I love it!

Dreams...

I have always had prophetic dreams- since I was a child.
The dreams- would either come true later that day- or week- or even month.
Not to say EVERY single dream of mine is prophet- some are just strange, and random- because I ate something horrible right before bed- I am human after all.
But I always know which ones will come true.
For example- two months before I defied all laws and got pregnant with Violet- I had a dream I had a little girl, and her name was Violet. That's how I knew I could have a child- and therefore did. I also dreamed I'd have a son, his name did not appear in the dream, which made it more difficult to name him, and that he would be blond- which he was.
Every time before I got really ill- I'd have a dream about it. There were many dreams that I was emaciated- and later that month or year- something would lead to that. Usually my eating disorders- but sometimes not.
This past week I've had very scary prophetic dreams.
Again, my dreams are not always so clear and cut- I usually have to decipher them- or later in the week when the dream plays out- I realize what the dream originally meant to tell me.
A friend of mine- asked me if I was a witch. If you have to be a witch to have visions- which I doubt- then I guess I am. But I believe all types of people have these gifts. Dave has fantastic intuition- and I trust it. Just as he usually trusts mine. If I tell him I have a bad feeling about something- he usually listens.
And it does play out- most of the time.
I believe most people have this ability, to dream their future, or have fantastic intuition, but most people don't it themselves enough, to believe it.
This dream I had early in the week- made me particularly nervous.
I was on a dock- actually there were THREE of me- on a dock.
One future, one present, and one- not so sure from what time.
One of them- I was completely bald ( shiny bald- I mean no hair!)- and sick, and emaciated- hugging the "other" me, wearing a brown wig and the other had blondish wavy long hair. All were different body types, but one was very very sickly thin.
I was looking at photographs of myself on the dock that had been overlapped, and had been taken at different moments in time- but at the same place. Made to look like there had been three of me at once.
Very strange, I know. Disturbing yes. It makes me think- wow I have got to get to the doctor quick! All these things that are happening to my body right now, are very scary. I wasn't as disturbs until I had the dream. Now I have a feeling of what the dream means- but I won't say it here.
I just wanted to give an example of what my dreams are like.
Another thing that can happen in a dream,I'll see someone I know in my dream- then ALWAYS later that day- see them. Doesn't matter if I haven't seen this person in years- I WILL see them that very day. It's bizarre and kind of fun at times.
Knowing this ahead of time.
I will leave you with this- listen to your dreams- even if they are very strange- they could be telling you something, even warning you.
Everyone has intuition- I think it's time to trust it.



More to come...
Stay tuned.

Intimacy Issues

I'll admit it, I have intimacy issues.
Not when I'm manic. When I'm manic I'll hug everyone on the planet.
But when I'm not, I don't like touching or even hugging. This includes my family as well. It's weird I know. My sister and I totally different- she's super affectionate, hugs and kisses me all the time- me on the other hand, never do that. And when she does- I freeze up, and usually push her away. I don't even, of my own free will, hug my mom, and I LOVE her. If she asks for a hug, I'll give one, but I'm not- savor the moment of a hug kind of gal.
To the people I am affectionate to- of my own free will- are very few.
This definitely includes my small handful of friends- I love them so much and don't feel weird hugging them, and some family members as well- but very few.
Nothing personal- It's ALL me. Just one of the many things that make me freakish.
Just one. And this comes and goes- well not completely. But I go through- very affectionate phases occasionally. They are rare and far between.
Something is definitely wrong with me. Definitely.
My dad was never ever the affectionate type. To hugs or kiss me was a huge deal. And everyone would make a big deal when he would. Which made me feel awkward in return. Watching us hug is a bizarre sight, that's for sure. Plus it only happens once every few years. This is one of the reasons I am the way I am.
Even though I am an open book, there are some things I can't seem to talk about just yet. Maybe in the book I plan to write someday. Just maybe.
Sometimes I feel I still have my guard up, even with my family.
I'm scared if I give everything I'll lose myself. I'm probably not making a lot of sense right now but this is how I feel sometimes. It feels good when I let go, at times, but then I tighten up all over again. I'm always afraid to get hurt, or be disappointed.
I'm sure I will let go eventually.
With my kids- I'm a completely different person, I hug and kiss them all the time. I give them all of me every second of every day. Violet pushes me away all the time- I don't take it personally. Levi on the other hand- pulls me in closer to smother me with kisses (licks- whatever you call them)and I enjoy every second of it.

*photo of Levi (2 months old) and me

Very depressing day.

I know- busy day- three blogs in one day. It's insanity.
I'm so depressed right now, I have things I have to do, and all I want to do is sleep.
Violet and I have had a rough two days. I feel bad for her. She's having a really difficult time falling asleep lately (and of course- staying asleep).
Thoughts are spinning in my head. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to.
So I write to my imaginary friend- the Internet.
A lot of my friends don't understand what I'm going through. At times like these, I wish I had a functioning bipolar friend. Which sounds like an oxymoron. And maybe it is a fairytale.
All my old bipolar friends, are gone. And it's sad. Sometimes I feel like there is no happy ending for us bipolars. I hope there is. I pray there is.
But this overwhelming emptiness- is well...overwhelming. Usually there's no rhyme or reason- it just happens and even though I try fighting it with all I've got. It seems to get the best of me.
Probably me losing my hair, my shitty camera not working, and being told Violet needs A LOT of help, doesn't help my situation. But these things are minimal. Not huge. Yet I feel suffocated and find it hard to breathe- yet I'm not having a panic attack. It's straight up the ugly part of being bipolar, being depressed.
I wait and wait and wait for some type of mania to take over. But nothing happens.
And no, I don't want to be full blown manic- that's my demon.
Just a tad bit manic- the happiness part, wouldn't hurt. It's better to be a tiny bit manic then full blown depressed, for bipolars, at least, I feel this way.
Bad things happen to bipolars when full blown depressed AND full blown manic.
But there has to be some inbetween, right? Isn't there???
I haven't quite found it yet- but I must believe in it, like I believe God. And even though things make me question my faith all the time, everyday, I still must believe.

Hello to all my bipolars out there!
I'd love to hear from you.

Rough Day.

Still recovering from food poisoning, yet again. Violet's feeling not so great, as well. I've been feeling like crying for most of the day, I hate that feeling!
Today Shannon (her A.B.A. therapist) and I took Violet to the playground, I was using my horrible back up camera to take photos of her. The photos were AMAZING, or I thought they were, because all of a sudden, a message popped up on my camera- no memory card!!! Can you believe it?!!!! After taking all those photos????I hate that fucking camera- it's the fucking Monkey's Paw!
Late in the day I got a call, from the best special Preschool in the city, YAI Gramercy. I had been waiting for their call, to let me know if Violet got into the school or not. It turns out she didn't. I don't blame them, Jessica, the person I spoke to, is extremely nice, and I understood why they decided against taking her in.
I was bummed. Really bummed.
They said she needed more attention than they could provide for her. In their class of eight kids ( 1 teacher, 2 aids) she wouldn't get the help she so desperately needed. They suggested we go to the school across from them, called The Roosevelt School, which even though it was mostly for physically handicapped kids, they do take kids with P.D.D. ( which is what she has). Their classes have six kids to one teacher, two aids. Which is better- but we're worried she'll need her own teacher, or what they call- Para.
It's hard hearing that your child NEEDs more attention and MORE help than they can provide. It's frustrating, and sometimes crippling.
It's been a rough day. I'm tired, sore, and sad.
I hope Violet gets into a good school. I really do.
Her getting into Gramercy, is what I was really wanting to stay in NYC for.
Now I don't know what's keeping us here, other than lack of money.
Frustrating, very frustrating.

More to come. Hopefully good news.

*photo is of Violet, during a snow day a few weeks ago. How can they say no to that face?????

Panic!

I don't know what's going on. At first, I thought it was just a post-baby thing. About 5 or 7 months after women have a baby- their hair can start to shed.
But now- I'm losing a LOT of my hair, and no it's not from coloring, I haven't colored my hair in a long time, and it's pretty healthy. I'm thinking it's a hormonal imbalance. I've been going through a lot physically.
I've been experiencing endometriosis symptoms lately- truthfully ever since I gave birth to Violet, and it's just been getting worse. I had endometriosis surgery back in 2001. Which means there's a very good chance the endo is back.
That paired with my heart problems- ARGH!
I have SO many doctors appointments scheduled- but all for April. That's the earliest appointments I could get. Very frustrating.
Yesterday I got food poisoning for the 100th time. This time it was from a small bag of potato chips I shared with Violet yesterday, we bought at some bodega across the street from the playground. We both got pretty sick- but I got the worst of it, thank goodness. I would feel horrible if she had gotten the worst- it's hard watching your babies feeling sick.
I almost went to the emergency room last night, until I realized it was food poisoning. Because at first I almost passed out- well at least that's how it started for me last night after I made dinner.
I feel better thus far, not perfect but WAY better than last night.
I might make an emergency appointment with my doctor if my heart problems worsen again.

On another note.

Today was a rough day all around. Besides Levi's audition, I had a "heart episode" again. Don't worry I scheduled a heart doctor appointment. He's the head of cardiology, and takes great care of my father. I met him, and he was wonderful.
But the soonest appointment I can get is for April 1st. Argh.
I'll be fine- it's just irritating. I'm a very physical person and always running around doing errands, after the kids, and taking care of the house- I don't get to sit very often, so when I can't physically do everything I NEED to do- it frustrates the living crap out of me.
Just today, while pushing, the double (very heavy) stroller uphill, killed me. Couldn't breathe, and a lot of pressure on my chest. Pisses me off!
Aspirin is my friend. My very good friend.
I really want to go see my very talented friends perform ( brilliant musicians- every single one of them) and I'm scared to travel far alone- with my heart problem.
What do I do if it happens on a crowded train at night? I hate being scared.
I feel very undependable now. I like being the friend people can count on- but I feel I haven't been that for awhile now. I'm looking to change that. Hopefully soon.
To all my beloved friends out there that I've let down- I'm so sorry. I really am.
And I striving to change things.
On another note- Monday I go back to the food pantry for my monthly visit.
Now don't get me wrong- things have been better THIS month thus far, doesn't mean anything for NEXT month. I never know how things will be from one moment to the next. So I like to be prepared. Canned tomatoes goes a long way. The food pantry helps, they are so nice there and friendly. But I still feel bad, I wish I had the means to give instead of take.
I go there with my social worker ( I have her through Violet's Early Intervention Program), she's an angel, and has helped my family greatly.
God bless her!


So that's all for today.
Stay tuned.

Levi's first audition...

Today was the fisher price audition. I had no idea what to expect.
The was a hallway FULL of babies, all ages, and all quite small.
In comes me with my Levi- he eats other babies for breakfast- he's the size of a one year old- so he's BIG for his age.
There were a bunch of showbiz moms AND dads there. One kid was all smiles at everyone and then fell and started to cry. The showbiz dad, told his one year old daughter, "Shake it off. Just shake it off!" I shit you not!!!
But one mom and I really connected, she was awesome, and I think she was also a model. Her son was GORGEOUS- no joke. The biggest blue eyes.
My mom came with me because Dave was too tired. But my mom's mind went out the window the second we walked in- she was so nervous. It reminded me of my very first audition when I was nine years old- she was an absolute wreck!
So the first part of the audition was video- Levi was amazing, and smiling at the ladies. The second part..the photos...didn't go so well.
Did I mention he'd fallen asleep on the way over there? Well he did and woke up minutes before the video portion of the audition. He started getting really cranky towards the end- when the photos needed to be taken. He wouldn't stay still- I mean he's a baby- but not even for a second. By the end of the shoot the photographer (who was so super nice) and I were sweating from working so hard trying to get a good photo of him.
He's also been teething really badly the past two days.
While the cool mom and I were waiting for the photo shoot portion, an actor came by and said "I just NEEDED to tell you both that your babies are SO cute!!!". It made me feel a little more relaxed then I was before.
When I entered the building my gut was in my throat- I haven't been this nervous since my first few auditions- but then I put my mind at ease, realizing it's no big deal. It's JUST an audition.
I really should of gotten the cool mom's phone number- but I was embarrassed. It's hard meeting cool moms that I have things in common with. Really hard.
Maybe next time I'll have the courage.
Overall the audition went O.K. not great but not horrible.
Oh well hopefully more auditions to come.

Stay tuned- for the many adventures of LEVI!!!

Updates.

Violet went to the doctor today. She's going to be on a low dose of antibiotics for awhile. She now has to go to a urologist- because she could have a condition called urinary reflux, which can eventually lead to kidney failure, if not treated. Oh my- never ever a dull moment. Today she had many many tantrums, since she's been off antibiotics for two weeks. While she's on the medication she's amazing! She can do so many things- and get this- NO tantrums. I'll be posting a video soon of her- putting numbers in order- she knows how to sequence them from 1-10- on her own. It's crazy!
She also can solve difficult puzzles very easily. It's her thing.
So when she's off the medication- she's freaking out, tantruming, her stomach hurts, she doesn't eat as much, in other words- it's BAD. I'm exhausted.
Today she cried a lot in school, and continued when she got home, then threw up her allergy medication, and THEN went to the doctor. It was a rough freaking day.
But after the doctor, we went straight to the sensory gym- and she was finally happy.
I finally got my insurance back- and scheduled the heart doctor, as well as many other visits. Thank GOD! I'm so relieved.
Levi was signed with my modeling agency awhile ago and now is beginning to get castings. The modeling world won't effect him badly right now- he's a baby. Me, on the other hand, gets a punch to the stomach with every rejection I get- which are plenty.
So busy weeks ahead. Oh yeah, and I have plenty of special Preschool tours to go on this month, since Violet is turning 3 in May and Early Intervention only goes up to age 3. I'm tired- my body is tired. My mind is tired. Hopefully things will be getting easier soon.
I hope.

More to come...

My head hurts.

Thank goodness my weave was ridiculously cheap because I could only stand two weeks of it. Dave and I took it out tonight and it took us two hours.
I didn't have the money nor patience to go back to the ghetto salon.
My head hurts so badly- from the tugging, and the scratching of my scalp afterwards. It felt obscenely good at the time- not so much now.
While I'm washing out whatever was left of my hair ( half went down the drain- no joke) Kayla comes in.
Earlier Dave brought the camera into the bathroom to take photos of my hair when we were finally finished taking out the weave. To my surprise- he didn't put the camera back where it belonged.
So Kayla comes in and CRASH!!!!!! There goes my camera.
I didn't yell or even get upset. Now remember I use my camera every single day. It's a big part of my life and happiness. It's my Nikon D200, my baby.
I didn't blame Kayla because it wasn't her fault, it wasn't even Dave's fault either really. It was an accident and these things happen. Especially in my house.
She felt horrible- I felt bad- I didn't want her to be upset, it wasn't her fault.
In the meantime- my kids needed to have dinner- the lasagna is in the oven, things needed to get done.
Dave was taking a second nap at the time, I then woke him up, so finally we get the kids feed, bathed, and off to bed. We eat dinner finally- it was good, very yummy.
Then Dave goes right back to bed, and I go cut my sister's hair.
By the way, did I mention that I had a horribly sleepless night. My thoughts were racing ( a big MANIC trait), even though I didn't feel particularly manic.
Hopefully tonight will be better, I hope.
I'm not getting another weave for quite awhile, that's for sure.
Now to think about what's my next hair project...


More to come...

Lug-jur-ee-us (Luxurious) Hair

For those of you who know Katt Williams- you know what I mean by lug-jur-ee-us hair.
I just watched the movie Good Hair. It was fantastic. I bonded with that freakin' movie. You may wonder why- since I'm white. This is my hair story:
When I was a wee little girl- I had dead straight hair, reddish-brown, leaning toward more red than brown. I couldn't even keep a barrette in my hair- it was so thin.
During third grade ( when I was 9 years old) My hair did a complete 180 degree turn.
It was all of a sudden, really thick and curly. I hated it. It wasn't manageable at all. I wanted hair like my other white friends had. As I got older it just got worse.
When I was 10, during a trim from my mother- she accidentally cut off too much- leaving me with a "boy" haircut. My aunt's solution was to perm it- why I went through with this- or thought it was a good idea- I HAVE NO CLUE. She said it would "help" it grow out better. It was permed curly- not just curly, but kinky curls. So I had that done till I was about 12 years old. Then started the coloring.
I went to a Junior High School where I was one out of the only two white kids there.
Everyone said I was "like them" because I had "black hair". I guess I was more "like them" than I knew. Because I obsessed over how to get my hair, like white girls in the magazines. At age 12, is when I started buying wigs. I now own a collection of wigs.
I've done everything imaginable to my hair- braid it, dread it, color it ( every color seen it and out of nature), relax it ( several times- even burned off my scalp once), perm it, weave it. EVERYTHING.
Finally I'd had enough of wasting my time, energy and money on my hair and products.
And I finally shaved it off. Completely. I don't even remember the year - when I first did this. Because since then I've done it over five times. Each time, being fed up, and then once I did it- want really long hair again. It was a bad cycle.
And here I am - years later- with a cheap weave (synthetic), trying to grow my hair out yet again.
Errrrrrr...I hate this. As I sit here- patting my hair-It's "the weave pat"- because you can't scratch your hair when there's a weave in it- and believe me- it's itching.
No matter how well I wash it and take care of it- it bugs the shit out of me.
But it looks good, people tell me. It's taken me so many years to appreciate my "Jew fro". I now LOVE when a girl has her natural hair, not relaxed. I even own afro wigs.
And yes- my weave right now- is called a "bohemian curl", my friends call it Afrocentric hair. Now I would kill to have a huge mind boggling afro ( I still want long hair obviously). I used to be a high- very high maintence girl. I got my hair done monthly, even went a couple times a month for a blow-out ( to straighten it). Used all kinds of ridiculously expensive hair products galore. Spent lots of money on make-up, got my nails done. The whole shabang.
Now I'm very low key. I cut my own hair now- This weave was a present for my 29th birthday. I do my nails myself, I buy make-up from the drugstore as well as my haircare products.
Now my family comes first, I come last, in my mind. As long as my family is fed, has a roof over their heads, I'm happy. And yes- maybe occasionally I treat myself to a hair magazine ( my own personal crack).
After seeing this movie- I feel that I'm not alone in my struggle. In my hair battle royale. And yet again- I'm fed up that I'm even wasting a penny on my hair, for sure.
Hair drama!

Love you all!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!

Violet's Gluten free progress- 3 months in...

Violet has been on a gluten free diet for almost 3 months now. And the progress is remarkable. She's a different girl, for sure.
I can't believe my eyes sometimes and the things she's doing and understanding now.
I heard that it can take a long time- even years for the gluten to completely leave a child's system- but I never imagined the difference it could make.
Believe me- this diet is extremely difficult but she makes it look easy. It's still hard finding things she'll like to eat- because she's a problem feeder- but she LOVES the Gluten free ( also known as GF) french toast I make and gobbles up all kinds of fruit.
She now reacts to her name being called. She never did this before. If I tell her to "come here" she actually will. She's responding to verbal commands- another first.
And her signing ( she doesn't speak yet- she uses signs to communicate her needs) had become ten times better. She used to confused the signs- now she rarely does.
She can focus for longer periods of time and she waves "hi" and "bye". She's still very hyper- but I have a feeling- that's just her. She loves jumping, running, flipping, climbing- all things physical and challenging. And it turns out she knows her numbers- numbers 1-10. Which is freaky for a two year old. She's puts numbers in order all the time and can solve very difficult puzzles. These are her gifts.
I hope you don't feel I'm bragging- because it's nothing of the sort. For so long- I've heard nothing but- "she's behind in this. She cannot do this..." and so on. So I'm extremely grateful for these moments. I always knew she was capable of many many things. She's my princess and her therapists are really impressed with her. I think she surpassed their expectations.
Each day is a brand new day for her to learn new things. I admire her strength and determination. She never gives up- ever.
I'm thankful to have her as my daughter- I'm sure she'll be teaching me many things in the near future.

Love you all!!!

*photo is of my daughter when she was 4 months old

Music Manager...

For a long time now, I've been thinking of becoming an agent.
I think I'm gifted...at not getting hired- but even more gifted at getting others hired. I've been making contacts since I was a teenager- networking is my gift.
I love meeting new people, going to networking parties- plus I NEVER EVER take "no" for an answer. Back in the day people said I'd never get to talk to a Sony executive-but I did personally on the phone, multiple times. It's probably a bipolar mania thing- I believe I will always get what I want no matter what.
And what I want now is to help my many talented wonderful musician friends get their careers in gear.
Agents need to know accounting- from what I've been seeing. And even though I'm excellent with numbers- I HATE math. Absolutely hate it.
So managing seems to be more my speed for the time being. Maybe eventually I'll overcome my hatred for math, and learn accounting. My dad is an accountant- but can't teach me anything to save his life.
I realized recently, that almost all my friends are musicians. The ones that aren't musicians, are instead actors and models. I guess I'm attracted to talented artists of all kinds. I've always loved music and the people that play it.
I tried learning guitar awhile ago, I had a great tutor (thanks Aaron!), and I wish I'd kept up with it. Maybe I'll start again eventually. I love my guitar. It was a birthday present from my family about five years ago. An electric/acoustic black shiny Fender. I've always had a thing for fenders, they ooze sex. MEOW!
I even had a vocal coach, years back. His name was Kisho. He was awesome- he didn't ask for a penny and he even made me lunch. We lost touch, but he was awesome and helped me a lot back then.
I think my voice is shit now. I've been a long time out of the game.
Few people know that I almost had a recording deal with Sony. They had wanted me to turn a song of a group called Contact High's into- get this- a rap. Yeah- really bizarre. And surprise- I wasn't good at that- because surprise again- I don't RAP!
But that's how the industry is- so whacked out and strange. I was good at rock- so they wanted me to rap???? Yeah, that's how these things go.
Doesn't matter- now I'm looking at the amazing talent before me- and seeing what I can do with it. Introduce to whom, go to which parties, etc.
This isn't set in stone yet but it definitely has me excited. I wonder how many of the musicians I knew in the past, are still doing music?

Shout out to all the musicians out there- reading this!
Let me hear from ya!


Kisses Bitches!!!
More to come as always.

Love is a funny thing.

People make fun of the twilight movies because they believe it's fake. I'm not talking about the vampires and werewolves. I'm talking about their dangerous love- that's ALL consuming. A lot of teenagers- hope that they will experience love like that. I like those movies because it reminds me of being in dangerous love.
It's a drug, it's powerful and you can't get enough.
For a bipolar like me- the highs and lows of this kinda love- is intoxicating.
I've been in love three times in my life.
The first was in High school. We went to different schools, but had met in elementary when I was about nine years old. It was my first love, it was powerful, all consuming, dangerous. When I was fourteen, was the first time I thought about suicide, because I couldn't bare the thought of living without him.
Most people don't know that I was engaged to a woman a long time ago. I was severely manic at the time and treated her terribly. She was a great loving person and didn't deserve the way I treated her.
We were on again- off again, all the time- because of me. And I really regret being so horrible to her. I loved her very much. She treated me like a princess- I wish I had treated her the same. When I was manic- full blown, it was like a demon had taken over me. I have a hard time realizing that same person back then WAS in fact me. If I could say anything to her now- I would apologize.
And the third of course, is my husband, Dave.
Again my bipolar made my relationship with Dave very difficult.
The ups and constant downs. I had broken up with him a few months before my first complete breakdown, when I was admitted to the hospital. I was with my girlfriend at the time- but that didn't matter to him- he still showed up every single day to see me and keep me company during my three weeks there. He walked forty blocks back and forth every single day, because he had no money.
When Dave and I first met, I'd already been out of the closet for a while as a bisexual. We met at a movie premier- for "Something about Mary". I was at the front of the line with my boy Marco and his friend. Dave saw us, and the friend he was hanging with knew Marco- so they decided to see if they could join us at the front of the line. He says the first thing he noticed about me was my ass. Typical.
Basically butt, boobs then face. He thought I'd be a bitch- but that didn't matter to him. I was probably pissed at the time because Marco was ragging on me like usual.
And I am a bitch- so he wasn't wrong. I smiled at him and then I put him at ease.
When he introduced himself- he was all sex. At first I thought he was gay- because he was dressed very interestingly, had ear piercings, tight club shirt, and...overalls??? Yeah- like I said, interesting. But when we shook hands me gave me the up-down look. Then I thought he was Bi. ha ha. We talked and talked- then he found out how old I was- he was 25 years old and I was only 17. I didn't have a problem with it- but he was scared- he thought I wasn't legal (BTW 17 IS legal- we found out later on).
Dave was me- but as a man. He was different than any other person I'd ever met before. He was extremely confident- to the point of being delusional. It was intriguing- especially since I had such low self confidence. And that's how he got me originally.
I have put him through the ringer since then, for sure. Good thing most of those years- I can't remember. He can though.
In the beginning when I was with him, he wished I was straight. When I was with my girlfriend, she wished I was a Lesbian.
All that doesn't matter to me anymore. Friends ask me if I miss women now.
And the answer is no. I don't think about them the way I used to. In the end- I just wanted to find the person that was right for me- didn't matter was sex they were.
Like I said- love is a very very funny thing.
It's definitely not what I imagined. Love in the long run- is much much different then those first few years together. Truthfully, I don't know "The secret" to making relationships work. I'm baffled it did. I'm lucky that no matter what, Dave would do anything for me- go to the ends of the earth if he had to. And that's what is important. I would absolutely do the same for him, any day. And here we are many many years later- with two beautiful babies to show for it.

More to come as always.
Kisses Bitches!

B-day party

I've mentioned before I have serious anxiety issues. So all day yesterday I couldn't bring myself to eat because I was so anxious and had butterflies in my stomach.
So finally it was show time. We got to the White Rabbit and it looked even more beautiful than I remembered it. As well as the drinks. I rarely ever drink and I when I do- I drink wine (my favorite alcoholic beverage), so when Dave asked me what I wanted to drink- I had to think about it. What was it that I used to drink??? Vodka and tonic, Rum and diet coke(gross) and of course shots amock. So I went with a really girlie girlie drink- a cosmo. And man it was delicious. I'd had quite a few and total forgot that I hadn't eaten all day. So I'm there with my good friends- thank you to everyone who came- chatting and drinking. Then came the jolly rancher shots- a few of them. When most of my friends left, that's when my wifey came in, Molly with her boy Craig. So we had an after party- party. So then came the limoncello shots and more drinks. After that- I kinda don't remember - I know we ended up in katz deli- and that's where my insides decided to become my outsides. And apparently at that EXACT same time- the same thing happened to Dave while he was in the bathroom.
That's how linked we are- it's really sick.
My girlie and her boy took good care of me and eventually dave took me home.
Later I woke up in my sister's sleep clothes (my sister had apparently dressed me), feeling HORRIBLE. The headache and nausea I could handle- the overwhelming paranioa, anxiety and the horrible chest pains, I couldn't. It wasn't till about 8 AM that I realized I hadn't taken my night medication ( for obviously my bipolar). I was cycling really hard. I was so dehyrated I could barely even cry. It was bad- it was like a flashback to the old days. Where most days were nightmares. I felt terrible and ashamed- because I had drank to the point of not remembering. Dave helped get me through this. I kept apologizing to him, feeling like I ruined his night. We both were really hungover- he had about 15 corona's, a couple of my cosmos and quite a few shots.
After he gave me a couple of aspirins ( for my heart) and my Geodon (One of the best medications for bipolar disorder on the freaking market in my opinion) and a few bottles of water, within 15-20 minutes I felt a whole bunch better. Yup, Geodon works THAT fast. I was together enough to give my son a bath. He had missed me terribly and was crying- until he saw me finally. He was all smiles and blew rasberries on my arm while kicking his chubby feet in the water. He really put me at ease. He's my baby boy- and he's all eyes for me. He always makes me feel special- even while being horribly hungover- I'm still a queen in his eyes.
When the kids went down for a nap that was Dave and my cue to take this time to sleep.
Hours later I was woken up by my mom- who'd had more than enough of my kids by that point. I'm so thankful to my mom and sister- that they took amazing care of my children while we were out.
I woke up feeling tons better- still with a bad headache and nausea- but not cycling anymore. PHEW! And I was finally able to look back on the night positively.
Most of the photos we took last night were blurry- for obvious reasons.
I love you all for celebrating my birthday with me- I'm very lucky to have all of you in my life. Even my cousin and his fabulous girlie came and surprised me.
It's rare that I get anytime with people without being distracted by my wonderful children. I hope to have more days/nights out just with WAY less drinking. Way less. And definitely more eating. Definitely.

Kisses Bitches!!!


*BTW I'm having trouble uploading a photo- so I'll try to upload a photo later.

My b-day

My birthdays for the most part, haven't gone so well in the past.
Now I realize it's not just the events that happened on that day that made it not so great, it was also the fact that around this time of year- every year, for many years, I've been in the middle of a depression. A great depression.
Around February- March and October-November- have always been depression filled months. Doctors in the past have said my depression was seasonal/cyclical. And for some reason always came around the same time each year. Not to say that I wasn't depressed other times in the year- like especially when times are rough.
For my birthday this year, Dave suggested I go out with my sister downtown to pick out on outfit for Friday night's get together with my friends. So that's what I did.
I left the kids with Dave- because he, unlike me, can totally handle both of them alone just fine, and went downtown with my sister. Who was really happy to get some alone time with me.
I went to my favorite wig store, Wig's Plus, on 32nd street between 6th and 7th avenue, and got some hair for my soon to be new weave- courtesy of my mum.
I love that store- like candy to me. I've collected wigs since I was twelve years old. So needless to say I have quite a few. I even used to go to High School in my assortment of wigs. I now use them for modeling instead of daily attire.
The last time I had a weave done was In May- for Mother's day. I go to the ghetto to have it done, because other salons charge a fortune to braid and weave hair.
Which I most definitely can't afford. In the past I've had almost every hairstyle imaginable- dreadlocks (twice), braids (several times), shaved head (over five times), perms, straightening, all kinds of cuts and just about every color known to man- and then some.
I change my look at a drop of the hat. I'm a very impulsive person- thanks to being bipolar. After I bought my hair, I went to a couple of stores looking for an inexpensive, but great looking outfit for Friday.
I ended up in Forever 21, amongst many teenagers. I felt kinda old, but their awesome selection of party wear made up for it.
I wanted almost everything they had- but of course could only afford one or two items. I picked out my outfit- black, white and red- my favorite colors.
Then I went to the hair salon uptown. The woman said she could do my hair right away-a surprise, but a good surprise at that. So I sent Kayla home, with food and the goodies (that we'd gotten) home and got my hair done. I was a lovely four hours of pulling and tugging my hair. I love this place, especially because it's so ghetto.
People were coming in and out trying to sell bootleg clothes and make-up. It was hilarious. My head- two days later, hurts more than it did that very day, from getting my hair done.
I felt- wow this should be a great day- and I should be happy. But it all felt empty.
I felt empty and depressed. It wasn't until I got home and saw my family's reaction that I felt even remotely happy. Seeing my kids and family after being away all day- made me appreciate them more.
During the day- I felt so guilty- being so very selfish. Overwhelming guilt.
And even today- hours before going out to see my friends- I still felt guilt.
Taking time actually stealing time for myself.
I got to get rid of this feeling. I found out that my girlie, Helene, my sister from another mother, is going to be there tonight and I felt like everything was going to be just fine. My peeps were going to be there- and we'd get to chat and dance and eat and drink- for the first time in YEARS.
I'm gonna fake being happy until that's all I feel, happiness and joy.
Fake it till you make it, right?
Sounds like a plan.

Kisses Bitches- see you in a few!!!

My Pre-Birthday Blog

At 5:59 AM tomorrow morning, I will be turning 29 years old. And I'm feeling depressed. Not because I'm getting older- but instead because I get depressed around my birthday just about every year.
I'm fine with getting older- actually I feel fifty-something- not twenty-something.
I've had a LONG life, thus far. And have experienced many things most twenty-something's haven't. I'm not talking kids and marriage either.
By the time I was 25 I had been hospitalized several times- for being manic, for being suicidal, for being severely crippled from multiple eating disorders.
I spent New Years Eve 2003, inside an institution. I will at some point talk about my time in those institutions and the people I met- but now doesn't seem like the time.
I used to have many bipolar friends- I tend to attract them like a magnet. I think Bipolars attract other bipolars- it's probably a law of attraction kinda thing.
I made two very close friends in two separate hospital stays. One, Julia- became my blood sister- also bipolar and had multiple eating disorders. I loved her very much- I even gave her my teddy bear named bunny (yes I used to name stuffed animals- opposite of what they were- it's funnier that way). She had a very abusive boyfriend-who made me very nervous. I stayed in touch with her months after, he had tried to kill her. After she left him I didn't hear from her. I'm assuming she's dead at this point. Being bipolar and in an abusive relationship- don't end well. period.
My other friend, Mike was my best bud during my first hospital stay. Again like me he was bipolars- most patients in institutions are bipolar- as well as other things.
Mike left the hospital before I did- even though he tried to prolong his stay to make me happy. We caused serious chaos in the hospital with the other patients there. It was fun fucking with other crazy patients' minds. One patient, we made believe we did magic. Yeah- that's a whole other story all together.
Mike would constantly be in hospitals- he went from one to the other. He was even BANNED from other hospitals. He would sell his prescriptions instead of taking them.
And then end up seriously depressed and suicidal. Bipolars for the most part- make REALLY bad decisions. REALLY BAD. I haven't heard from Mike in many years. I assume the worst.
One of the main reasons I'm not still friends with my old bipolar buddies- is because they made horrible decisions- and weren't self-aware. Many became strippers- of all kinds. Most bipolars- almost all- are sex addicts, shopaholics,drug addicts, alcoholics.
Every time I went into an institution they tried to make me go to rehab. I argued this because I was addicted to such things only when I was manic. I can go months- even years without a drink. It's not a thing for me now.
I've seen a lot and done a lot in my life so far. It makes me feel like I've been around more years than I actually have.
I didn't go to my ten year H.S. reunion because I feel I have nothing in common with them, I didn't then and I especially don't now.
This is probably why I find it so hard to connect with people. I feel most times like I'm from another planet.
So here I am- turning only 29 years old.
Yesterday sucked, today was horrible and tomorrow ain't looking too hot either.
I'm trying to look forward to seeing my friends on Friday. Going to my favorite chill spot, White Rabbit. But I'm nervous- what if they don't have a good time? What if there's silence? I'm a very anxious person. I worry if my friends will have fun or not. And yes I will be drinking. Before Friday I had some drinks three months ago and before that, one and half years. I proved most doctors wrong. I didn't need rehab like they suggested, and I'm not dead yet.
I went shopping tonight looking for a real slutty-whorish shirt and some high heels to wear for Friday. So for one night I don't feel I look like an exhausted mom of two. But I didn't find anything to my liking. Did find some accessories.
I thought shopping would make me feel better- but it didn't. Nothing did. So i wrote this blog just now- which is just a few out of the millions of blogs I have in my mind and am planning to write. I'm an open book- and most have hated this about me.
But I feel the more open I am about my experiences- maybe just maybe- I can help someone- and stop them from making the same mistakes I have. Or in the very least- let them know they're not alone.
To all my bipolar readers out there- I'm here, willing to talk and listen.


Love you all.
See ya when I turn 29.

Models too fat for runway?????

In the Daily News today there was an article on size 4 models being too fat for the runway.
It's insane. Even famous model Coco Rocha, a size 4, (she was dubbed Naomi Campbell "new fave model") says her work has declined.
The sample size for all runway shows is size 0. If you don't fit into the clothes- you don't get hired.
This is the industry I work in. I think designers are absolutely crazy and have no regard for people- their models or their clients. They only care for themselves.
There are a few exceptions I'm sure- I just don't know of any.
Kate moss was recently quoted saying "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels".
This coming from a ("former???") coke-head. She is something to aspire to???
Really? This is so ridiculous. She is ridiculous.
Because apparently the way she stayed skinny was doing several lines of coke in a record amount of time. One, two, three lines- ah,ah,ah *The Count voice*.
Kate Moss was one of my favorite models- for her versatility- not her body.
But she sounds like an idiot- so I don't care for her anymore.
Even plus-size clothing catalogs, not so long ago, used sample size models in their catalogs to display plus size clothes. Not many people remember that Lane Bryant used to sell, very hum-drum clothes, nothing fashionable whatsoever, mainly muumuus worn by size 0 models. This was to sell their clothes to women size 14-28? (I think it might have gone up to even a higher size but I'm not positive).
Only recently have they used plus-size ( size 12 models- even smaller than the size clothing they sell) to display their clothes. And now they sell more fashionable clothing- not great but much better than the muumuus they used to sell. Also at a much much higher prices.
I still watch runway shows- I love fashion. But sometimes the models distract me from looking at the clothes because they look so terribly scary. Which is exactly what designers shouldn't want- a model to take away focus from their clothes.
I know they say models are their clothes' hangers. But hangers you pay no attention to- models you do especially is they're 80 lbs and 5'11.
Fashion designers need to change, as does the fashion industry. If size 4 is considered fat- than I'm obese. Eh, Fuck them. I'll make my own fashion anyways- and hire all those "fat" models.

Kisses Bitches-

*photo of Coco Rocha from an ad.

Why I don't like to mention that I model.

I realized a long long time ago- I'm not the typical model. I'm short, tattooed, and at times- fat.
I'm okay with all of that. Event the fat part.
And yes I always wish I were taller- but I fucked up any chance I had at being tall like my dad's family, a long long time ago ( maybe it's the massive eating disorders since I was a child??? Perhaps?)
My mom likes mentioning that I model, she's proud of me. It's nice to have some reason for my mom to be proud of me since I've done so many things in the past for her to be not proud of me.
When my mom mentions to a friend that I model, they ALWAYS give me the up-down (you know the start from the top to the very bottom look).
And right away I have to explain. Explain that I don't do runway and that they are many different types of models, especially for print.
I also have to explain that yes, I'm aware that I'm short, tattooed and fat.
Seriously do they think I'm delusional? That I think I'm 5'9, blond, and skinny?
Come on now, really?
I love being tattooed. I wish I had money for more tattoos. Sometimes I think I even want a face tattoo but I do get jobs for face make-up and beauty shots- which kinda makes getting face tattoo a bad idea.
I've had tattoos since I was 16 years old. I got my neck piece done in my kitchen by a motorcycling navy seal while my mom was in the bedroom.
My friend got his arm tattooed before I got my neck tattooed.
He felt nauseous, like he was going to vomit. The tattoo artist later told him he was being a pussy because I didn't complain while my neck was being tattooed.
But then again, I've never felt pain like the average person.
Maybe it's a bipolar thing- to not feel pain like other people do.
I know both Dave and I have this ability- which is probably why my daughter can fall and bust her ass open and not complain. She's the fucking terminator.
When I was a kid I used to open doors with my head because I didn't feel any pain.
I know- I was always strange. I thought I was unbreakable-seriously.
Most of my tattoos were cheap and not very thought out- it's okay I was young, dumb and very impulsive (BIPOLAR!). I don't regret any of my tattoos- I just wish some of them were nicer.
If I could I would LOVE to get tattoos from the original cast of LA Ink- but not Corey (not a big fan of his work- nothing personal). I met Kat Von D a long time ago-before all her surgeries. I like the way she looks now- I don't know why- I like her whole- L.A. porn star/ drag queen look- it's extreme and I've always been an extreme kinda gal. When I was 18 years old- I planned on getting lots of plastic surgery- maybe because my friends were all trannies and got lots of plastic surgery themselves. I later decided against it. I also like the way Rose McGowan looks now- after the surgeries, when she was in the movie Grind House. Again another extreme look. Though I can't stand big fake boobs and fake people- especially porn stars (I've known quite a few). I'm a contradiction, what can I say.
And Porn stars- not a classy bunch- they used to pee squatting on the sidewalk on night and they were never ever sober. Not a day in their life.
Back to the fat part. So If it was up to Dave- I'd be obese ( well he calls it "voluptuous"- he's a T and A kinda guy.). Which I guess is a good thing- because he'll never find me repulsive- unless I'm 80 lbs again- in which he could still find it in him to find me attractive.
At least I don't have a husband like my aunt had.
Every spring she'd stand in front of him in a bathing suit- and be judged.
He'd let her know if she had to loose weight or not by the summer.
Did I mention my dad's family did this to me during my childhood/teenage years.
I remember one summer standing in front of them in a bathing suit, judging me.
Yup, this was my upbringing- totally fucked on my dad's side.
My dad's mother would tell me (when I was 9 years old) I'd end up fat like my mother because she hated my mom, and the fact my dad loved her even though she wasn't their ideal skinny woman. Just to let you know, my mom is a beautiful woman- inside and out- more beautiful than my whole dad's family put together- I think that's why they hated her openly.
I'm actually working on getting stronger- not thinner. Which actually requires eating more and of course lifting weights. Yeah I'm the one woman in all the New York City- trying to eat more. Again- another contradiction.
Actually modeling being my size- size 12- yes I said it- I'm not ashamed of my size- choke if you must. I'd even tell you my weight if I knew it- (I don't keep a scale at home- and I haven't been to the doctors in months). In modeling, you either have to be one or the other- really skinny or really fat. I'm too fat for a lot of types of modeling and print ads, but get this- not fat enough for real plus size modeling.
Such as, I don't fit into Lane Bryant's clothing line. Weird I know.
So I either gotta get bigger or smaller to get jobs- and I don't plan on being a size double zero ever again in my lifetime. And yes- size 12 is technology a plus size- but there are two types of size 12s. One the juniors size 12 ( which is me) and the other 12W ( which is plus size clothing). Crystal Renn, a famous plus size model, says she's size 12 and is often made to look bigger in print ads. Which is true and strange because Lane Bryant doesn't come in size 12. So either Lane Bryant is tailoring her clothes for her on their shoots ( which is more probable), or she's technology a size 14.
Either way she's tall and gorgeous and a lucky muthafucka.
God bless her and her success.
Sometimes I think I'm gonna quit this business and get my freaking face tattoos.
But I love fashion- which is why I eventually want to design my own line and hire my own models- most being my friends, over size 10 and drop dead gorgeous! My type of gals;) Where my bitches at?!


Kisses Bitches!!!!
I've got my eye on you.

The photo is of Kevin Ronin tattooing my thigh at The Hellcity Ohio tattoo convention. I love this tattoo! He's a brilliant artist. And I took these photos WHILE getting my tattoo. I'm a hard ass bitch. Work!

How my casting went...

Last night was horrible. Levi is teething really badly- screaming all night long. And Violet was coughing all night long. So no sleep whatsoever for Dave and I.
I couldn't function this morning and the kids were nuts! Especially Levi- who is usually all smiles and laughs. My poor baby boy.
So I couldn't go on the school tour I planned for this morning.
But I still had to go to my casting today even though I wasn't feeling so grand either. The casting was today at 2 P.M. near F.I.T. ( to those of you knew know me- you know I despise F.I.T. and the students that go there- not the teachers though)
I was 20 minutes early- like usual.
By the way- I felt like a sausage packed in casing the whole way there due to the fact Dave shrunk ALL my clothes. And no it's not just the fact I'm getting bigger;)
He shrunk the kids clothes as well. So I was being squeezed by my jeans ever so tightly- I felt like a hoochie. And those days had long past for me. Long long ago.
So I went in and got the whole shpeel about the music artist and the photographer.
The photographer I knew a lot about. He's amazingly talented. But he is not my fave photographer of all time- that is of course, the one the only David LaChappelle. I worship the ground he walks on- he is the reason I take photographs.
After I write my name and number on a sheet of paper- I go in to meet the photographer and there were a few other people in the room- that did not introduce themselves.
He took a few close-ups and mentioned the necklace I was wearing ( my fave cigarette necklace) was interesting. It's a conversation piece for sure.
This was our short conversation while he took my photos.
I said to him " Most people ( for some very odd reason) think the cigarettes on my necklace are real."
To which he replied, "Wow, that's strange. I imagine they wouldn't last long(meaning the cigarettes). What are they made of?"
I said "Plastic???"
He then asked me if I was available on the shoot dates. To which I answered yes. And Then asked me if I had any more tattoos ( which was apparently the reason I was chosen for the casting). I said yes- "On my neck, back, finger, thigh and ankle."
Then he said "okay". And signaled for me that I could leave.
Yup. That was it. I took maybe 3 minutes, if I was lucky.
As I left everyone in the waiting room gave me the crook eye and the up-down.
I felt dirty yet again.
I decided to perk myself up by buying Violet some well deserved toys to bring to her great-grandma's on Valentine's day to keep her occupied.
All in all the casting wasn't bad- but it wasn't that great either. I doubt I got that part- but maybe just maybe- I'll get another part from that same casting.
Who knows.
I'm tired and really disappointed I can't go to my girlie's house tonight to hang.
I adore my Molly. And I was really looking forward to it for about a month now.
But the kids- Levi especially won't let me leave for too long.
The last night I went out at night was Dave and my anniversary- for a very quick bite at a local restaurant. We had to rush home because Violet was sick.
I have plans for my b-day celebration on Feb. 19th at my favorite place, The White Rabbit. I have got to be there and spend time with my friends- who I miss terribly.

I love you all and see you real soon!
kisses bitches!!!

Castings...

I have a casting tomorrow. No- it's no pay but it is a brilliant photographer and it is a music video.
This will be my first casting since before I was pregnant with Levi.
Castings and I don't go together. I have never gotten a job from a casting.
And boy do I have interesting stories of the castings I've been on. That's for sure.
So I'm kinda nervous. Well... really nervous.
Casting are basically cattle calls. They treat you like you're a cow. MOOOOO!
I've had directors that right away hate my guts. Yeah- that's always fun.
Or the total opposite- where I get a call back- I have everyone rolling on the floor laughing at how incredibly charming and funny I am... then never get the part.
When I go to castings I feel like I've been abused. Or more to the point- shot in the stomach.
It's a huge hit to the ego. Most people know me as pretty confident- because frankly I could give two shits about what you think of me- but at castings- that's what you're there for. For them to "pick" you or not. It's ALL about what THEY think of you. It makes me feel dirty. Yet- I love what I do. I just don't love ALL of it.
A lot of times I think about quitting modeling for good. No MAS!
But then some amazing job or opportunity sucks me back in.
It used to be my living. I live and breathed modeling. All I did 24/7 was network and get me out there. It was exhausting- and I loved every minute of it.
Now my life is a bit different. One- I've had TWO kids- one rather recently I might add. And I'm still in post-baby body. Which means- everything's not where you want it to be. And my babies are now my life. My family is my life. I take care of a family of seven people. Daily. Nightly. They are more important to me than myself.
So castings- I go when I can, if I can. Maybe even have a story to share with you guys and gals.
But modeling is no longer my life. Just an aspect of it.
My life is more worth while now- that's for sure.
So here I am typing about my casting tomorrow and now I'm not so nervous. Actually I'm pretty relieved and calm. Knowing no matter what happens tomorrow- it's not that big a deal. I get to come home to my lovely babies- and get a giggle or two out of them and maybe even a high five!

Talk to you this weekend- to let you know how it went.

Peace out my darlings!
Till next time- kisses bitches!

The Adventures of Beana...

Today was a good but hectic day- and it's not even over yet!
It started- well actually yesterday never ended because sleep was non-existent last night. Both Levi and Violet didn't sleep a wink.
This morning Violet had a baby interview at YAI Gramercy school. I was very nervous- but she did amazingly!!! She was in such a great mood- waved and high-fived all the teachers and workers there- if she would've winked at them, I would've died! ha ha.
She played and interacted with the other kids. She got to check out their mini-gym and get thrown down a big slide several times. She must have thought this was the BEST PLACE EVER! She was great even when we had to leave- no tantrums!!! HOORAY!
When she got home she had ABA therapy. And after that, we headed to her occupational therapist at the sensory gym about 10 blocks away. On the way there all these kids started spontaneously throwing snow balls, that was thrown very close to Violet, Shannon and I.
Out of nowhere- I LOSE IT (hello!BIPOLAR!) I scream at the top of my lungs- I mean so loud a few blocks away heard me clearly- "HEY! DON'T YOU SEE A BABY!!!!!"
All the kids stop dead. One looks at me and says " You talkin' to me?!!!" At which point, I don't lose a beat and respond, waving my arms- being all ghetto and shit "YEAH, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!!!!" . Shocked and a little afraid, he walked away. Later the teacher, who was behind them the whole time, scolded them.
The whole time Violet is laughing and jumping up and down in her stroller!
I think she was saying in her own way- HECK YEAH!!! My mom fucking CRAZY!!! Woohoo!
I laugh all the way to the gym. The minute we get to the gym ( 10 minutes early) she practically jumps out of her stroller and runs back and forth in the waiting area, till her therapist arrives. She then disappears down the stairs with her therapist to the gym.
While I'm waiting in the waiting room, patiently, a kid is sitting 5 inches away from me- blowing raspberries at me- for about 25 minutes! I found it funny, not rude because the kid had some sort of disability. His mom was talking to another boy's mom- and THIS was their conversation.
One boy was grabbing his mom's purse. She says to him " You like purses, huh? Are you gonna wear purses when you grow up?". To which the boy replies "uh-huh!"
She then says " Are you gonna wear a man-purse like daddy?. Actually I just give daddy my purse to hold at times while we're shopping because it's SOOOOO heavy. I mean not ALL the time but still it's too heavy for me. I don't even KNOW what I put in there!".
Yes this is a typical conversation of upper-class, upper west side moms, chatting away while their son blow raspberries at a stranger for half an hour.
Violet ended up being fantastic and energetic during her session, making her therapist extremely happy.
Right outside the gym- I realize I put my daughter's snow suit and coat on but not her shoes! Yup that's a mom for you- at times- clueless.
On the way home I stopped at Walgreen's for some things and Violet fell asleep.
She's now asleep- still in her stroller- not knowing in 10 minutes I have to wake her up for some more therapy- her speech therapy. The one she hates the most.
I still have yet to defrost meat, cook dinner, or clean or give my kids baths, the list goes on and on.
The day isn't even OVER YET!

All I hope is that she gets into Gramercy- the greatest school on the face of the earth- and eventually get some sleep. Eventually. Maybe.

Kisses bitches!!!!

Yesterday.

Yesterday I went to a food pantry. Don't be scared- This month was actually better than last- but I never know how my family's going to be from week to week. So I'd rather be prepared.
We've had weeks before where our cabinets were bare.
So thanks to my social worker- she found out about this church that helps people in my financial situation. They were so nice.
During the interview I cried. I really really HATE crying or being vulnerable in any way especially in front of strangers. But this guy that was helping me out was so nice and kind and seemed to really care. Plus I haven't talked to my therapist in awhile so...I think I was ready to cry at the drop of a hat.
Explaining my family's situation always makes me nervous, anxious and emotional.
I try to control it but sometimes it's really difficult.
They had a basement filled with canned goods.
One funny thing that happened there- While I was being interviewed a biker guy came in and saw a can of food and said "mmm, yeah!" The interviewer looked over and said to the biker-" That's cat food." To which the biker didn't seemed surprised and replied " MEEEEEOOOOOW!"
Ah, the people I meet while seeking assistance.
I hope to be in a position that I can donate food to this food pantry- instead of taking from it.
On another note- the other day Violet's therapist had a "team meeting" at my house.
This is where they discuss what's working and not working with Violet. I'm having a tough time with the school she's in now. She has multiple health problems and is absent from school quite a lot because of them. I have explained this to the teacher but for some unknown reason she does not comprehend the situation. Wonderful, right?
As if I want Violet to be absent from school????
It is my only semi-break- when she's in school. Do they think I don't want that?!
These are bizarre people I'm dealing with I tell ya. BIZARRE.
Other than the school issue her home therapies are going really well and I'm extremely proud of her. YAY for VIOLET!!! As her therapists and I would say when she does something good.
Tomorrow Violet has a "play date" at (soon to be-hopefully) her new Pre-K school!
It's a baby version of a job interview. Seriously, I never thought I'd be doing this-baby interviewing for schools, waiting list and such.
It's truth be told- a real upper-class, rich person thing to be doing with their child.
Thankfully, my daughter's schools are paid for by the state. Otherwise she'd be at home till kindergarten!
I can't believe the amount people pay for Pre-schools- about the same as college!
It's insanity. I'd never do that.
Another funny thing- while Dave was finally getting a chance to do a month's worth of laundry ( hey - don't judge-we can only afford it once a month- so chillax). He was talking with a neighbor and jokingly said "My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, I think I'm gonna have to switch to cocaine!" and laughed. The neighbor (an older woman) replied "OH MY GOD! If you know a good dealer let me know!". By the way she was SERIOUS!
And THIS is the building I live in.
On that note- Kisses bitches!!!

As always more to come...

My day...

On days like today I remember a quote I read in Parents magazine. Yes I read Parents magazine now, not fashion magazines galore like I used to. I used to be addicted to fashion magazines- they were my crack. Now I can't bring myself to look at one- first, the fashion is usually bad- second, the models always look pissed. ALWAYS.
And none of the articles apply to my life- how to lose ten pounds in one week, how to be better in bed, how to find the right man and so on. ALL bullshit being thrown at your face, without apologies.
So the quote I think of is this- it's from a parent talking about their kids.
"When I'm a part from my kids- I miss them so much. Then when I see my kids, I can't wait for them to go to bed."
Today was so frustrating. We finally get to go outside and it's getting dark, the kids fall asleep. Dave wanted to get out the church thrift store but I was with the double stroller- which doesn't fit in the thrift store so I offered to wait outside.
For nearly twenty minutes I waited outside with the children asleep in their warm stroller freezing my ass off. Literally my ass was numb.
He finally comes outside and we head home.
The kids, of course wake up the minute we enter the apartment and even though the day was filled with frustration I was happy they were awake- and forgot all the bad things that happened today. I picked Levi up- all smiles and happy to see me.
Now after spending a few hours holding, playing and kissing them I look forward to when they go to bed.
Then mama will finally get to watch her stories. Amen.

More loving things we say...

Jokingly, Dave said to me the other day, "You don't even like me!"
In response I said to him " I don't like you. I love you!"
And then said "And hunny please, We're married, of course I don't like you." ;)

Why I hate Valentine's Day...

Yes- I hate Valentine's Day. Why you ask?
I'll tell ya why.
First- it's too much hype!!! Like this is the one day out of the whole year you have to say I love you to someone special.
When something is too hyped up- it's just sets the stage for disappointment.
Back when Dave and I first met- I told him never to buy me flowers. Not because I don't like flowers- but because in the past, flowers were ALWAYS used in conjunction with an apology. So to me flowers = you did something wrong!
So, NO FLOWERS.
Valentine's day when you're single is hard- for most. Because you IMAGINE it'd be so much better to spend it with someone you love. But this is false. Again all these expectations- set you up for disappointment.
To me Valentine's day is just ANOTHER day. Another day- if you are with someone special- to say you appreciate them- but no need for gifts and a night out.
Really I think married people equally like and dislike Valentine's day. Due to the fact that when you're married with kids and you're busy tending to others' needs, you rarely have time to spend alone with your other half.
So Valentine's Day is really just an excuse to go out and away from the kiddios- and be adults. This is only the case- if you have the money to do so, have made reservations ahead of time, hired a babysitter...the list goes on and on.
Personally I'd rather NOT go out on Valentine's Day- that ONE day a year- but instead make many days and nights special throughout the year. So when Valentine's day comes and goes- which it always does- no one is disappointed in any way- but instead you're happy and looking forward to the next morning- to say I love you all over again.