Thursday, March 25, 2010
Why Antibiotics suck so much for Bipolars...
I have a horrible sinus infection and ran to the doctors today to get a persciption for antibiotics. The coughing mixed with my heart problems- not doing too well. Chest really hurts at the moment. So I'm not allowed any good cold/cough medication. And that's such a bummer- because I can't sleep!
Now I've introduced antibiotics into my body- and BAM!!!!
What was stable a moment ago- all out the window right now. I'm cycling, anxious, jittery- ARGH!!!
Dave and my son are sick now. As a mom- I go into what I call "turbo" mode- where I see what needs to get done, and do it- forget all the pain I'm in. I can get like 17 things done at once. I don't think I've ever cooked dinner so fast in my life!
But when everything is finally quiet, and everyone is asleep- for the time being- it's just me and my crazy thoughts racing.
I really do wish I had bipolar friends to talk to. But as I've mentioned before- all my old bipolar friends- are sad to say, dead. You never hear of a happy ending for a bipolar- all the ones I knew had very short lives- and they weren't happy ones at that. Many bipolars I knew, were abused as children, but that's a whole other subject all together. But in a lot of cases trauma happened to them as a child.
I wish I knew bipolars that were functioning, and happy, maybe even had a family.
That's asking for too much right?
A lot of my friends look at my life and think I got this all figured out.
I'm married, I got two kids, everything's good right? I seem somewhat stable?
As much as I am an open book, there are MANY things I don't talk about. I don't go into a lot of detail about my parents, my sister, or Dave.
I feel it wouldn't be fair to them.
I feel a lot of my life has been about fighting. Fighting constantly- with everyone, with everything. It leaves my exhausted. Fighting and arguing all the time.
I think there's a lot of pressure on me- to be successful- in my marriage, as a mother. To not fail. To not go back into the hospital, to not breakdown. I have to be strong- there are several people depending on me every second of every day.
And for the most part- that's what keeps me going. If I was on my own, with no family, I'd be so fucked up. I'd be a mess. Because I wouldn't care. I never cared what happened to me- when manic or depressed, hence the suicidal tendencies. But having it not be ALL about me- but instead be about my children and my family- changes the dynamic.
My children saved my life. They changed me. And yes being a parent is the HARDEST thing imaginable. Really some days- I can't take it, I feel overwhelmed and like I can't go on. And I'll admit it- I have had suicidal thoughts since becoming a parent. It's the disease- the depression that takes over my whole being- and infects my mind. But thinking of my children kept me from doing it. My kids are what drive me to live each day- nothing else.
I am Bipolar- and that will never change. As stable as I feel most times, there's another bad feeling just around the bend. This is my life. I have to work on controlling it all the time. I don't get breaks. Breaks from being a mom, from being bipolar.
When I take antibiotics, it throws me completely off my game, not physically, but mentally. It counteracts my bipolar medication- and basically fucks me up.
And I know it's the medication, and I have to keep reminding myself it's the medication and not real, the feelings I have- that it'll all go back to normal when the tens days are up and I finish taking the antibiotics. But until then- I'm definitely struggling. Badly.
I want my kids to be okay. I want Dave to feel better. There's all these thoughts in my mind, racing.
I want more help, and support. I'm so busy taking care of everyone- I forget who I am all the time. I feel lost- when alone by myself. Alone with my thoughts.
Like no one understands me- there's no one to talk to.
So I write on my computer, in the dark, listening to everyone snore.
I'm so awake right now- it's ridiculous because I haven't had a decent sleep in days.
Well that's all from me for now. Wish me luck.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Kisses my beautiful bitches!