Friday, March 12, 2010

Intimacy Issues

I'll admit it, I have intimacy issues.
Not when I'm manic. When I'm manic I'll hug everyone on the planet.
But when I'm not, I don't like touching or even hugging. This includes my family as well. It's weird I know. My sister and I totally different- she's super affectionate, hugs and kisses me all the time- me on the other hand, never do that. And when she does- I freeze up, and usually push her away. I don't even, of my own free will, hug my mom, and I LOVE her. If she asks for a hug, I'll give one, but I'm not- savor the moment of a hug kind of gal.
To the people I am affectionate to- of my own free will- are very few.
This definitely includes my small handful of friends- I love them so much and don't feel weird hugging them, and some family members as well- but very few.
Nothing personal- It's ALL me. Just one of the many things that make me freakish.
Just one. And this comes and goes- well not completely. But I go through- very affectionate phases occasionally. They are rare and far between.
Something is definitely wrong with me. Definitely.
My dad was never ever the affectionate type. To hugs or kiss me was a huge deal. And everyone would make a big deal when he would. Which made me feel awkward in return. Watching us hug is a bizarre sight, that's for sure. Plus it only happens once every few years. This is one of the reasons I am the way I am.
Even though I am an open book, there are some things I can't seem to talk about just yet. Maybe in the book I plan to write someday. Just maybe.
Sometimes I feel I still have my guard up, even with my family.
I'm scared if I give everything I'll lose myself. I'm probably not making a lot of sense right now but this is how I feel sometimes. It feels good when I let go, at times, but then I tighten up all over again. I'm always afraid to get hurt, or be disappointed.
I'm sure I will let go eventually.
With my kids- I'm a completely different person, I hug and kiss them all the time. I give them all of me every second of every day. Violet pushes me away all the time- I don't take it personally. Levi on the other hand- pulls me in closer to smother me with kisses (licks- whatever you call them)and I enjoy every second of it.

*photo of Levi (2 months old) and me

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