Monday, February 15, 2010
Why I don't like to mention that I model.
I realized a long long time ago- I'm not the typical model. I'm short, tattooed, and at times- fat.
I'm okay with all of that. Event the fat part.
And yes I always wish I were taller- but I fucked up any chance I had at being tall like my dad's family, a long long time ago ( maybe it's the massive eating disorders since I was a child??? Perhaps?)
My mom likes mentioning that I model, she's proud of me. It's nice to have some reason for my mom to be proud of me since I've done so many things in the past for her to be not proud of me.
When my mom mentions to a friend that I model, they ALWAYS give me the up-down (you know the start from the top to the very bottom look).
And right away I have to explain. Explain that I don't do runway and that they are many different types of models, especially for print.
I also have to explain that yes, I'm aware that I'm short, tattooed and fat.
Seriously do they think I'm delusional? That I think I'm 5'9, blond, and skinny?
Come on now, really?
I love being tattooed. I wish I had money for more tattoos. Sometimes I think I even want a face tattoo but I do get jobs for face make-up and beauty shots- which kinda makes getting face tattoo a bad idea.
I've had tattoos since I was 16 years old. I got my neck piece done in my kitchen by a motorcycling navy seal while my mom was in the bedroom.
My friend got his arm tattooed before I got my neck tattooed.
He felt nauseous, like he was going to vomit. The tattoo artist later told him he was being a pussy because I didn't complain while my neck was being tattooed.
But then again, I've never felt pain like the average person.
Maybe it's a bipolar thing- to not feel pain like other people do.
I know both Dave and I have this ability- which is probably why my daughter can fall and bust her ass open and not complain. She's the fucking terminator.
When I was a kid I used to open doors with my head because I didn't feel any pain.
I know- I was always strange. I thought I was unbreakable-seriously.
Most of my tattoos were cheap and not very thought out- it's okay I was young, dumb and very impulsive (BIPOLAR!). I don't regret any of my tattoos- I just wish some of them were nicer.
If I could I would LOVE to get tattoos from the original cast of LA Ink- but not Corey (not a big fan of his work- nothing personal). I met Kat Von D a long time ago-before all her surgeries. I like the way she looks now- I don't know why- I like her whole- L.A. porn star/ drag queen look- it's extreme and I've always been an extreme kinda gal. When I was 18 years old- I planned on getting lots of plastic surgery- maybe because my friends were all trannies and got lots of plastic surgery themselves. I later decided against it. I also like the way Rose McGowan looks now- after the surgeries, when she was in the movie Grind House. Again another extreme look. Though I can't stand big fake boobs and fake people- especially porn stars (I've known quite a few). I'm a contradiction, what can I say.
And Porn stars- not a classy bunch- they used to pee squatting on the sidewalk on night and they were never ever sober. Not a day in their life.
Back to the fat part. So If it was up to Dave- I'd be obese ( well he calls it "voluptuous"- he's a T and A kinda guy.). Which I guess is a good thing- because he'll never find me repulsive- unless I'm 80 lbs again- in which he could still find it in him to find me attractive.
At least I don't have a husband like my aunt had.
Every spring she'd stand in front of him in a bathing suit- and be judged.
He'd let her know if she had to loose weight or not by the summer.
Did I mention my dad's family did this to me during my childhood/teenage years.
I remember one summer standing in front of them in a bathing suit, judging me.
Yup, this was my upbringing- totally fucked on my dad's side.
My dad's mother would tell me (when I was 9 years old) I'd end up fat like my mother because she hated my mom, and the fact my dad loved her even though she wasn't their ideal skinny woman. Just to let you know, my mom is a beautiful woman- inside and out- more beautiful than my whole dad's family put together- I think that's why they hated her openly.
I'm actually working on getting stronger- not thinner. Which actually requires eating more and of course lifting weights. Yeah I'm the one woman in all the New York City- trying to eat more. Again- another contradiction.
Actually modeling being my size- size 12- yes I said it- I'm not ashamed of my size- choke if you must. I'd even tell you my weight if I knew it- (I don't keep a scale at home- and I haven't been to the doctors in months). In modeling, you either have to be one or the other- really skinny or really fat. I'm too fat for a lot of types of modeling and print ads, but get this- not fat enough for real plus size modeling.
Such as, I don't fit into Lane Bryant's clothing line. Weird I know.
So I either gotta get bigger or smaller to get jobs- and I don't plan on being a size double zero ever again in my lifetime. And yes- size 12 is technology a plus size- but there are two types of size 12s. One the juniors size 12 ( which is me) and the other 12W ( which is plus size clothing). Crystal Renn, a famous plus size model, says she's size 12 and is often made to look bigger in print ads. Which is true and strange because Lane Bryant doesn't come in size 12. So either Lane Bryant is tailoring her clothes for her on their shoots ( which is more probable), or she's technology a size 14.
Either way she's tall and gorgeous and a lucky muthafucka.
God bless her and her success.
Sometimes I think I'm gonna quit this business and get my freaking face tattoos.
But I love fashion- which is why I eventually want to design my own line and hire my own models- most being my friends, over size 10 and drop dead gorgeous! My type of gals;) Where my bitches at?!
I've got my eye on you.
The photo is of Kevin Ronin tattooing my thigh at The Hellcity Ohio tattoo convention. I love this tattoo! He's a brilliant artist. And I took these photos WHILE getting my tattoo. I'm a hard ass bitch. Work!