My birthdays for the most part, haven't gone so well in the past.
Now I realize it's not just the events that happened on that day that made it not so great, it was also the fact that around this time of year- every year, for many years, I've been in the middle of a depression. A great depression.
Around February- March and October-November- have always been depression filled months. Doctors in the past have said my depression was seasonal/cyclical. And for some reason always came around the same time each year. Not to say that I wasn't depressed other times in the year- like especially when times are rough.
For my birthday this year, Dave suggested I go out with my sister downtown to pick out on outfit for Friday night's get together with my friends. So that's what I did.
I left the kids with Dave- because he, unlike me, can totally handle both of them alone just fine, and went downtown with my sister. Who was really happy to get some alone time with me.
I went to my favorite wig store, Wig's Plus, on 32nd street between 6th and 7th avenue, and got some hair for my soon to be new weave- courtesy of my mum.
I love that store- like candy to me. I've collected wigs since I was twelve years old. So needless to say I have quite a few. I even used to go to High School in my assortment of wigs. I now use them for modeling instead of daily attire.
The last time I had a weave done was In May- for Mother's day. I go to the ghetto to have it done, because other salons charge a fortune to braid and weave hair.
Which I most definitely can't afford. In the past I've had almost every hairstyle imaginable- dreadlocks (twice), braids (several times), shaved head (over five times), perms, straightening, all kinds of cuts and just about every color known to man- and then some.
I change my look at a drop of the hat. I'm a very impulsive person- thanks to being bipolar. After I bought my hair, I went to a couple of stores looking for an inexpensive, but great looking outfit for Friday.
I ended up in Forever 21, amongst many teenagers. I felt kinda old, but their awesome selection of party wear made up for it.
I wanted almost everything they had- but of course could only afford one or two items. I picked out my outfit- black, white and red- my favorite colors.
Then I went to the hair salon uptown. The woman said she could do my hair right away-a surprise, but a good surprise at that. So I sent Kayla home, with food and the goodies (that we'd gotten) home and got my hair done. I was a lovely four hours of pulling and tugging my hair. I love this place, especially because it's so ghetto.
People were coming in and out trying to sell bootleg clothes and make-up. It was hilarious. My head- two days later, hurts more than it did that very day, from getting my hair done.
I felt- wow this should be a great day- and I should be happy. But it all felt empty.
I felt empty and depressed. It wasn't until I got home and saw my family's reaction that I felt even remotely happy. Seeing my kids and family after being away all day- made me appreciate them more.
During the day- I felt so guilty- being so very selfish. Overwhelming guilt.
And even today- hours before going out to see my friends- I still felt guilt.
Taking time actually stealing time for myself.
I got to get rid of this feeling. I found out that my girlie, Helene, my sister from another mother, is going to be there tonight and I felt like everything was going to be just fine. My peeps were going to be there- and we'd get to chat and dance and eat and drink- for the first time in YEARS.
I'm gonna fake being happy until that's all I feel, happiness and joy.
Fake it till you make it, right?
Sounds like a plan.
Kisses Bitches- see you in a few!!!