I'm thinking about...

doing a video blog. I wanted to in the past- but wasn't so sure.
I think I'll get a new web cam- since I can't find the old shitty one I used to have- plus technology has improved since then- so maybe you could tell that I'm white?
Lots of things have been happening-
First of all- my family has been passing around the stomach flu like it was fresh new money.
I was running a hospital here. Plus I get a bit O.C.D. about cleaning when people are sick.
Mopped the floor yet again today- second time in a three days.
Sterilized everything!
Everyone's been fighting- probably due to lots of stress including trying to find a new apartment to move into.
My mom and dad have been fighting- nothing new.
Dave and I have been fighting- also not so very new.
Dave has been having migraines for months now- every single day.
I've told him- he needs to see the doctor- he needs to get off pain killers (including Advil)- he needs to eat better/start exercising, yada yada yada.
I realized that's it's been an entire YEAR since we went to the doctor and the doctor told him, his blood pressure was so high, and his weight too high as well- that he could die- any day-anytime- he's a ticking time bomb.
I cried in the office, and she told me alone in her office- Dave needs to change right away or else my babies won't have a father and I'll be planning a funeral.
That was an entire YEAR ago- since then he's gained and lost weight over and over again and gained more often than lost. Ending up right where he started.
He's tired all the time, cranky, snaps a lot. We never know what Dave's gonna say next.
I told him yesterday, I'm tired of hearing- he's gonna change- either he's going to - or he's not. I hate being lied to.
My mom does the exact same thing- tells me she's going to change.
My doctor says I need to give up hope. My parents will never change- because they don't WANT to.
Dave basically told me last night, that even though he made all these promises to me- they were empty because he had no intent on making these changes.
He also told me that if he doesn't feel- happy, angry or sad- then he feels numb.
A total bipolar thing to say by the way.
Bipolars feel things with the intensity of a five year old child.
They feel this feeling, be it mad, sad or happy- whether it's called for or not.
And everything in between is just pure boredom! Is nothingness! It's being numb!

After our long talk-
He was putting Violet to sleep in her crib- I asked him if he was going to sleep- it was only 8 P.M.
to which he replied "No, well I don't want to...but then again every time I tell you this I fall asleep. So I shouldn't say anything. But I'm not going to fall asleep".
Not but  five minutes later- he was fast asleep and snoring.
I went on the computer for awhile-
but couldn't quiet my mind.
So I decided to take a few benadryl tablets- to knock myself the fuck out-
Wow!
I got tired quick.
Of course just when Dave was waking up and wanting to talk to me.
This is how our lives work.
I passed out around 10 P.M. Really early for me-
had very pleasant and bizarre dreams- but not nightmares!!! YAY!
No one woke me up in the morning-
I got up by myself at 9:20 A.M.
Early for most of you guys and gals- late for me.
And that was AWESOME!!!
I had so much energy this morning,
which was great because Dave was still sick as was my mom.
Plus Violet didn't start her new school yet- she starts tomorrow.
I had so many many errands to run and I finally had some energy to do it!!!
I bought some food, a new mop, got quarters for the much need laundry, on and on.
When I got home I couldn't wait to try my brand new mop- that's when I realized I really need to have sex more often- well actually I realized that months and months ago- but this really cemented the idea.
When I realized that a new mop was exciting to me- yeah I NEED another hobby.
Violet and Levi had therapy, I mopped the entire house, made doctor appointments (breasts ultrasound- oh joy), then I took Violet to her sensory gym-
I stayed in the waiting room upstairs, while she had her therapy, and just listened to my headphones and read a magazine!
WOW! Is it my birthday??!!!!
I came home, to Dave cooking dinner!!!!
I thought maybe I was in the wrong home.
Something's different...will it last...who knows? Probably not more than a day- but I'll enjoy it while it lasts!

I go to school with Violet for her first day tomorrow!!!
Very exciting!!
Then of course we get home then go out again for her sensory gym.
Busy Busy bee- you know me.

Sorry to ramble- probably a bit manic- won't last long- so much energy- it's a very nice surprise.

So who thinks a video blog would be a good idea??
Lemme know.

Kisses Bitches!!!
P.S. I REALLY REALLY need a girls night out!!! Who's with me???
I need to drink and dance- and forget every single worry I have- for just a few hours.

Where's my bitches at???!!!
P.P.S. (This is Dave) Uh... I WANT to say I'm usually more charming than these blogs make me sound... but THAT'S probably a lie too...sigh.

Doctors Doctors Doctors!!!

Last night was a nightmare- not only was I awake for most of it, but because my son had a fever of 103 degrees!
He does get fevers frequently about once every month, we know what to do at this point- Cold bath, Motrin, air conditioner.
It worked, twice last night.
Dave is still very ill and looks like a zombie- his eyes are BRIGHT RED!
No, it's not pink eye. We found out it's due to the severe infection in his throat.
He was also having trouble breathing last night. Several times in the night- he STOPPED breathing!!! And then awhile later- gasp!
I know, you're all going to say it's sleep apnea. Which it is and you're right.
But mixed with the abscess in his throat, yes- abscess, he REALLY couldn't breathe.
So this morning we all went to see the family doctor. He now has us on speed dial- that should tell you something.
He put Dave on very strong antibiotics- very expensive antibiotics- which cost all of the money I made from selling my clothes and toys on Saturday.
The doctor hopes it's not to late for the antibiotics to work, and that Dave won't have to go to the hospital. I hope so too.
I was tossing and turning last night for hours, and realized hey wait a minute...I'm still fucking awake!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!
And then I thought- maybe I'm awake because Levi's going to have a fever...
I don't know why I thought this- because before last night he didn't have one.
So yeah....about half an hour later- BAM! 103 temperature!
I was very hyper today. Not happy-hyper more anxious-hyper. And I was also very chatty. Very.
I'm thinking...a little manic, most probably. Not a lot, not dangerous, just enough for me to take notice.
Plus I've had a lot of people commenting on my- not on purpose-weight loss. I always tell people it's due to stress, which it partly is. The other part, when I'm manic- I'm not that hungry and when I do eat the food burns really really fast- because I'm hyper active. I'm very cautious right now because a little manic- not dangerous and sometimes can be quite useful but full blown manic- bad, very bad.
I was going to totally freak out last night- between my two kids being sick AND Dave being sick. If you're a parent, than you know when your child is ill, your world STOPS! So when EVERYONE is sick- man, it's like a kick to the stomach. I forgot how to breathe!!!
I'm worried. I'm a worrier. And there's plenty to worry about.
I'm praying more than I've ever prayed before.
Thanks to a little mania- I'm not spiralling into a deep depression...just yet. I'm actually feeling positive and happy. Worried- but happy and positive that everyone will get better.
Like I said- a little mania can be USEFUL. At least for me, anyways.

I think I'll head to bed soon- if not to sleep, to just think about things.

Thanks for listening to me-
Sending lots of love to all of you.

Very depressing day.

I know- busy day- three blogs in one day. It's insanity.
I'm so depressed right now, I have things I have to do, and all I want to do is sleep.
Violet and I have had a rough two days. I feel bad for her. She's having a really difficult time falling asleep lately (and of course- staying asleep).
Thoughts are spinning in my head. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to.
So I write to my imaginary friend- the Internet.
A lot of my friends don't understand what I'm going through. At times like these, I wish I had a functioning bipolar friend. Which sounds like an oxymoron. And maybe it is a fairytale.
All my old bipolar friends, are gone. And it's sad. Sometimes I feel like there is no happy ending for us bipolars. I hope there is. I pray there is.
But this overwhelming emptiness- is well...overwhelming. Usually there's no rhyme or reason- it just happens and even though I try fighting it with all I've got. It seems to get the best of me.
Probably me losing my hair, my shitty camera not working, and being told Violet needs A LOT of help, doesn't help my situation. But these things are minimal. Not huge. Yet I feel suffocated and find it hard to breathe- yet I'm not having a panic attack. It's straight up the ugly part of being bipolar, being depressed.
I wait and wait and wait for some type of mania to take over. But nothing happens.
And no, I don't want to be full blown manic- that's my demon.
Just a tad bit manic- the happiness part, wouldn't hurt. It's better to be a tiny bit manic then full blown depressed, for bipolars, at least, I feel this way.
Bad things happen to bipolars when full blown depressed AND full blown manic.
But there has to be some inbetween, right? Isn't there???
I haven't quite found it yet- but I must believe in it, like I believe God. And even though things make me question my faith all the time, everyday, I still must believe.

Hello to all my bipolars out there!
I'd love to hear from you.

My head hurts.

Thank goodness my weave was ridiculously cheap because I could only stand two weeks of it. Dave and I took it out tonight and it took us two hours.
I didn't have the money nor patience to go back to the ghetto salon.
My head hurts so badly- from the tugging, and the scratching of my scalp afterwards. It felt obscenely good at the time- not so much now.
While I'm washing out whatever was left of my hair ( half went down the drain- no joke) Kayla comes in.
Earlier Dave brought the camera into the bathroom to take photos of my hair when we were finally finished taking out the weave. To my surprise- he didn't put the camera back where it belonged.
So Kayla comes in and CRASH!!!!!! There goes my camera.
I didn't yell or even get upset. Now remember I use my camera every single day. It's a big part of my life and happiness. It's my Nikon D200, my baby.
I didn't blame Kayla because it wasn't her fault, it wasn't even Dave's fault either really. It was an accident and these things happen. Especially in my house.
She felt horrible- I felt bad- I didn't want her to be upset, it wasn't her fault.
In the meantime- my kids needed to have dinner- the lasagna is in the oven, things needed to get done.
Dave was taking a second nap at the time, I then woke him up, so finally we get the kids feed, bathed, and off to bed. We eat dinner finally- it was good, very yummy.
Then Dave goes right back to bed, and I go cut my sister's hair.
By the way, did I mention that I had a horribly sleepless night. My thoughts were racing ( a big MANIC trait), even though I didn't feel particularly manic.
Hopefully tonight will be better, I hope.
I'm not getting another weave for quite awhile, that's for sure.
Now to think about what's my next hair project...


More to come...

My Pre-Birthday Blog

At 5:59 AM tomorrow morning, I will be turning 29 years old. And I'm feeling depressed. Not because I'm getting older- but instead because I get depressed around my birthday just about every year.
I'm fine with getting older- actually I feel fifty-something- not twenty-something.
I've had a LONG life, thus far. And have experienced many things most twenty-something's haven't. I'm not talking kids and marriage either.
By the time I was 25 I had been hospitalized several times- for being manic, for being suicidal, for being severely crippled from multiple eating disorders.
I spent New Years Eve 2003, inside an institution. I will at some point talk about my time in those institutions and the people I met- but now doesn't seem like the time.
I used to have many bipolar friends- I tend to attract them like a magnet. I think Bipolars attract other bipolars- it's probably a law of attraction kinda thing.
I made two very close friends in two separate hospital stays. One, Julia- became my blood sister- also bipolar and had multiple eating disorders. I loved her very much- I even gave her my teddy bear named bunny (yes I used to name stuffed animals- opposite of what they were- it's funnier that way). She had a very abusive boyfriend-who made me very nervous. I stayed in touch with her months after, he had tried to kill her. After she left him I didn't hear from her. I'm assuming she's dead at this point. Being bipolar and in an abusive relationship- don't end well. period.
My other friend, Mike was my best bud during my first hospital stay. Again like me he was bipolars- most patients in institutions are bipolar- as well as other things.
Mike left the hospital before I did- even though he tried to prolong his stay to make me happy. We caused serious chaos in the hospital with the other patients there. It was fun fucking with other crazy patients' minds. One patient, we made believe we did magic. Yeah- that's a whole other story all together.
Mike would constantly be in hospitals- he went from one to the other. He was even BANNED from other hospitals. He would sell his prescriptions instead of taking them.
And then end up seriously depressed and suicidal. Bipolars for the most part- make REALLY bad decisions. REALLY BAD. I haven't heard from Mike in many years. I assume the worst.
One of the main reasons I'm not still friends with my old bipolar buddies- is because they made horrible decisions- and weren't self-aware. Many became strippers- of all kinds. Most bipolars- almost all- are sex addicts, shopaholics,drug addicts, alcoholics.
Every time I went into an institution they tried to make me go to rehab. I argued this because I was addicted to such things only when I was manic. I can go months- even years without a drink. It's not a thing for me now.
I've seen a lot and done a lot in my life so far. It makes me feel like I've been around more years than I actually have.
I didn't go to my ten year H.S. reunion because I feel I have nothing in common with them, I didn't then and I especially don't now.
This is probably why I find it so hard to connect with people. I feel most times like I'm from another planet.
So here I am- turning only 29 years old.
Yesterday sucked, today was horrible and tomorrow ain't looking too hot either.
I'm trying to look forward to seeing my friends on Friday. Going to my favorite chill spot, White Rabbit. But I'm nervous- what if they don't have a good time? What if there's silence? I'm a very anxious person. I worry if my friends will have fun or not. And yes I will be drinking. Before Friday I had some drinks three months ago and before that, one and half years. I proved most doctors wrong. I didn't need rehab like they suggested, and I'm not dead yet.
I went shopping tonight looking for a real slutty-whorish shirt and some high heels to wear for Friday. So for one night I don't feel I look like an exhausted mom of two. But I didn't find anything to my liking. Did find some accessories.
I thought shopping would make me feel better- but it didn't. Nothing did. So i wrote this blog just now- which is just a few out of the millions of blogs I have in my mind and am planning to write. I'm an open book- and most have hated this about me.
But I feel the more open I am about my experiences- maybe just maybe- I can help someone- and stop them from making the same mistakes I have. Or in the very least- let them know they're not alone.
To all my bipolar readers out there- I'm here, willing to talk and listen.


Love you all.
See ya when I turn 29.