cokehead is the correct spelling, autocorrect

from my past-

As I put my head out the window of the speeding bright green VW beetle, I saw flashing lights. I was really high on ecstasy and god knows what other small little magical pills I swallowed earlier that evening. The lights were all different beautitful colors- It thought to myself I've never seen something so beautiful before.

Probably a very common thought among "E heads".

It was all so amazing!! I felt so free!!

We stopped suddenly at a red light. Right beside us was a cop car.

The cops just looked at us with a glare.

My ( then) girlfriend hit the gas and we sped up practically racing the nearby police car- laughing our asses off!

Now before you go criticizing me being in a car with a girl just as high as me, driving.

Let me explain to you this- This girl could NOT drive for a second, sober-

She was terrible! HORRIBLE!

Her sister ( whom I dated as well) and I never got in the car when she was sober- we were afriad for our lives!

I remember these days.

There were several advantages to going out with a drug dealer.

She was a very petite little woman, with the face of Courtney Cox ( when she was young).

We smoked all the time, in the car, out of the car.

Did I mention she was also a cokehead?

Yeah- I at the time- was not.

Let me tell you this every single drug dealer I' ve ever met- and there have been lots!!!

Has at least one drug they will not touch. Because they felt it was beneath them to do so.

Take my ex- girl for example- she LOVED the shit out of coke, but would never ever smoke CRACK. But that was her biggest money maker- CRACK.

She looked down on crackheads, talking shit about them all the time, while she would sniff about eight lines of coke in one sitting.

This relationship- if you could call it that- didn't last long.

She did propose to me though, I even accepted at the time.

I couldn't say no- ever to anybody- at that time. So I accepted this antique diamond ring, as she got down on one knee proposing.

I accepted even though I knew I didn't love her.

I did not follow through. Thank goodness! I gave her back everything.

Mania is it's own drug.

Love is a funny thing.

People make fun of the twilight movies because they believe it's fake. I'm not talking about the vampires and werewolves. I'm talking about their dangerous love- that's ALL consuming. A lot of teenagers- hope that they will experience love like that. I like those movies because it reminds me of being in dangerous love.
It's a drug, it's powerful and you can't get enough.
For a bipolar like me- the highs and lows of this kinda love- is intoxicating.
I've been in love three times in my life.
The first was in High school. We went to different schools, but had met in elementary when I was about nine years old. It was my first love, it was powerful, all consuming, dangerous. When I was fourteen, was the first time I thought about suicide, because I couldn't bare the thought of living without him.
Most people don't know that I was engaged to a woman a long time ago. I was severely manic at the time and treated her terribly. She was a great loving person and didn't deserve the way I treated her.
We were on again- off again, all the time- because of me. And I really regret being so horrible to her. I loved her very much. She treated me like a princess- I wish I had treated her the same. When I was manic- full blown, it was like a demon had taken over me. I have a hard time realizing that same person back then WAS in fact me. If I could say anything to her now- I would apologize.
And the third of course, is my husband, Dave.
Again my bipolar made my relationship with Dave very difficult.
The ups and constant downs. I had broken up with him a few months before my first complete breakdown, when I was admitted to the hospital. I was with my girlfriend at the time- but that didn't matter to him- he still showed up every single day to see me and keep me company during my three weeks there. He walked forty blocks back and forth every single day, because he had no money.
When Dave and I first met, I'd already been out of the closet for a while as a bisexual. We met at a movie premier- for "Something about Mary". I was at the front of the line with my boy Marco and his friend. Dave saw us, and the friend he was hanging with knew Marco- so they decided to see if they could join us at the front of the line. He says the first thing he noticed about me was my ass. Typical.
Basically butt, boobs then face. He thought I'd be a bitch- but that didn't matter to him. I was probably pissed at the time because Marco was ragging on me like usual.
And I am a bitch- so he wasn't wrong. I smiled at him and then I put him at ease.
When he introduced himself- he was all sex. At first I thought he was gay- because he was dressed very interestingly, had ear piercings, tight club shirt, and...overalls??? Yeah- like I said, interesting. But when we shook hands me gave me the up-down look. Then I thought he was Bi. ha ha. We talked and talked- then he found out how old I was- he was 25 years old and I was only 17. I didn't have a problem with it- but he was scared- he thought I wasn't legal (BTW 17 IS legal- we found out later on).
Dave was me- but as a man. He was different than any other person I'd ever met before. He was extremely confident- to the point of being delusional. It was intriguing- especially since I had such low self confidence. And that's how he got me originally.
I have put him through the ringer since then, for sure. Good thing most of those years- I can't remember. He can though.
In the beginning when I was with him, he wished I was straight. When I was with my girlfriend, she wished I was a Lesbian.
All that doesn't matter to me anymore. Friends ask me if I miss women now.
And the answer is no. I don't think about them the way I used to. In the end- I just wanted to find the person that was right for me- didn't matter was sex they were.
Like I said- love is a very very funny thing.
It's definitely not what I imagined. Love in the long run- is much much different then those first few years together. Truthfully, I don't know "The secret" to making relationships work. I'm baffled it did. I'm lucky that no matter what, Dave would do anything for me- go to the ends of the earth if he had to. And that's what is important. I would absolutely do the same for him, any day. And here we are many many years later- with two beautiful babies to show for it.

More to come as always.
Kisses Bitches!