One of the worst days ever, like for sure.

I woke up exhausted, as per usual. But I literally forced myself out of bed today. I knew Violet was going to have picture day in school today, and I wanted her to look perfect.
The minute I entered the living room, I saw Kayla not looking so well. She said "My blood pressure's going up and down". I ran to her and before I could catch her, her passed out and fell face first to the floor. I freaked!
She took longer this time to wake up. I feel that she was having a seizure. But I one point I thought she stopped breathing! Her whole face lost all color. Her lips were white! I was so scared, I thought for a split second my sister was dead. I yelled to Dave, who was worried to but then saw her take a very shallow breath. We were both relieved. My heart cannot handle things like this. I felt horrible horrible pain in my legs and arms,wile I was holding her in my arms on the floor, and felt like I was going to vomit and pass out at the same time! I imagined my sister and I being wheeled to the emergency room, and I told myself "Get it together!!!!". Dave gave me and my sister a glucose tablet and some water, which made both of us feel a little bit better.
Kayla came to, finally after a good 5 minutes!
Four cops and two EMTS, showed up to our apartment, asking where the four year old that passed out was? We were all so confused and told them my sister was almost twenty years old, not four! To which they seemed relieved.
It caused quite a commotion in the building. Everybody's definitely talking about us now, for sure. My sister was then taken by ambulance to the hospital.
After this all happened, I still had to get Violet dressed and ready for picture day. BTW When the cops were here, all she did was stare at their walkie-talkies. SHE FUCKING wanted it so badly.
So she was pretty calm through the whole thing, Levi not so much, he was screaming.
I got Violet dressed and got her on her school bus. This whole time, I still felt like passing out.
Dave and I stayed up with Levi, who was going nuts the entire morning. After I got Violet off the bus, she went straight into therapy. Dave at that point was really exhausted, and was snapping at me and really really pissed. He looked like he was gonna kill me, so he decided to go to bed, so he would've totally snap. And from there, I had to take her to her sensory gym, that's about 10 blocks away. She was falling asleep, and her therapist and I were trying to keep her awake, because SHE LOVES her time in the sensory gym, it's awesome!
When we got there, we woke up her, she was screaming, then I had to take her drink away, because no drinks or food is allowed at the gym, which lead to Violet having a total meltdown, then it starts storming outside. I had no umbrella, no cash, no nothing! And she was still screaming! I had to stay with her during her therapy, and run after her repeatedly.
When we were about to leave, the sun came out, thank goodness!!! And I practically ran, pushing Violet in the stroller home.
I got home, and just broke down crying. Thinking about my sister being dead... Kayla can never leave me, she's my baby, I don't know what I'd do without her.
I was literally having a panic attack all day long. ALL DAY.
This has been a bad fucking day. I'm so fucking tired, emotionally and physically.
Kayla will be going to a neurologist very shortly.
We're all watching her like a hawk, she's never going to be alone. It's too scary.
So yeah, this day was one of the worst ever, like for sure.


Kisses bitches!

Hopefully some good news will come soon.
Pray for us.

Make it FIERCE!

My old motto for a very long time was "Work it! Love it! Live it! Flaunt it!"
I definitely feel I haven't been living up to this in awhile.
My new motto- "I'm a model. I'm a mom. I'm a CUNT! I'm fabulous!"
If you knew me- you'd know this works well for me.
I've been extra stressed these past few days- and it's wearing on me.
As I was listening to my music, and of course do housework, dishes in this case, I realize no matter what is happening to me physically- I'm not giving up without a fucking fight!
Earlier today the handyman in my building came to my apartment to help me unclog my severely clogged bathtub drain. He worked so damn hard. And then said to me-"There's too much hair in the drain", to which I replied frankly "I'm very ill and losing my hair". At which point his whole attitude changed and he was SO nice and kind to me, which was a definite change from his usual attitude towards me.
After saying that I felt like crying- and I HATE crying- it shows weakness- and I can't stand it. So when I'm crying- it's because I can't hold it back any longer.
I teared a tiny bit- just enough for me to realize- this is really FUCKED UP.
And no loss of anything other than my family- will make me upset. Material items, nothing. So losing my hair- I'm not going to waste my time and energy- being distraught anymore.
As I write this- my hair is falling to my shoulders- yep it's THAT bad. And hopefully a doctor will find out what the flying fuck is happening to me- because this happened long before this stress started happening.
Dave offered earlier today, to shave my head for me, and his to make me feel better.
and I froze- because I wasn't ready. Whatever is happening- it's going to be on MY terms. I'm a fighter- so yes- hair oh lovely hair- I love you. I'm obsessed with you. But you ain't worth nothing to me no more. Fuck this shit!
If I'm gonna be bald- I'm gonna be a fierce bitch! Watch out.
I'll work it.

This blog I actually wrote two whole days ago-
I didn't want to publish this blog until I shaved my head.
Well shortly after writing this- my beloved buzzer broke! Dave was upset because he REALLY wanted to buzz my head.
Since then he's been trying to attack me with scissors- saying "I can totally do THIS! Don't you trust me?!"
To which I reply "NO!" Because the LAST time is shaved my head with a razor I was 8 months pregnant with Violet, and he cut my head up. I TOTALLY don't trust him with a blade.
Oh yeah and yesterday was a day from FUCKING hell. My sister passed out, hit her head and went by ambulance to the hospital. Don't worry she's okay and she's home safe and sound.
Both of us have been suffering from extremely low blood pressure. I will never get that image of her head hitting the wall out of my mind. I was super affectionate to her while waiting for the ambulance- and told her" See? I'm affectionate when it counts." She laughed. After all she's my baby, she's like a daughter to me. I've never been so scared.
Usually there's at least a few minutes between when someone says they're not feeling well- to the time they go limp. At least this happens in my case- thank goodness- enough time to take aspirin and lay the fuck down. Well this is NOT the case with my sister.
And after all this happened yesterday- Dave was still coming after me with scissors.
I better get a buzzer quick otherwise Dave will WIN. Meaning I will LOSE.

Kisses to my beautiful bitches!

BTW "Don't be offended by me calling you bitches. I call you bitches because I don't know all your names individually."- Katt Williams. AMEN!