Playing Catch up.

So...I'm on antibiotics now. For numerous reasons, one being I was just getting sicker and sicker- I'm on some of the strongest antibiotics out there. Prepare for craziness. Antibiotics totally throw off my bipolar medication- and get this- I'll be on these meds for TWO whole weeks!!!
Yeah I know- long time. But I'll do whatever it takes at this point.
So I ran outside and took Levi out for some fresh air to the pharmacy. Picked up my meds, ran home and took them.
But you can't take them on an empty stomach so I grabbed a protein bar. This just so happens to be Gluten free. And boy- could I tell. It was so ...Chewy,to put it nicely.
I don't really spend a lot of my precious time chewing. Chewing for Pussies!
Well not really. But it could be. Then again you don't "chew" on a pussy.
Anyways- Enough about pussies! Get your head out of the gutter!!!
You filthy beast!
Way off topic!
I decided I am going to go to the model search, I got a personal invite to it. Which I guess is a good sign. So it's next Saturday. I'm nervous but super excited at the same time.
I'm trying to eat more- not necessarily junk food. Just more of what I usually eat, and I'm am kind of a health nut, except for the gallons of diet soda I drink, and the sugar I have on tap.
So I have a lot on my mind- and today I'm going to do some modeling- to update my portfolio. It's been awhile, I need to get back into the groove.
I'll be sure to post them on my modeling site when they're done (www.serenabeana.com). And of course I'll post a couple here as well.
They're sure to be a lot of fun.
Last night I got into a bad argument with Dave. Real bad. I was a total wreck and very emotional ( which is very unlike me- I'm usually very detached) But we're working on making things better, for the both of us and our kids.
I had nightmares last night, about our fight. There was a shark attacking a tiger, that scared Violet really badly. You should know I'm deathly afraid of sharks- after watching a marathon of Jaws movies when I was a wee little girl, scarred me for life.
There's a lot on my mind right now- but I have to put it aside, fight off being sick and get FIERCE!


WORK BITCHES! WORK!


Kisses to all my fierce Bitches out there!
Wish me luck!!!

A chance-part two

I can't do it. I'm a chicken.
I can't purposely gain weight. I think that would make my ED (eating Disorder) come back full blast.
I am however trying to eat more often. I've been feeling faint lately and excessively tired all the time.
I even had a regular coca cola!!! I know! Insanity! For shame! ha ha.
I know this is silly, but I've drank diet soda since my grandmother forced it on me at age 12, like she did so many things.
I'm still undecided about the contest. There has been some confusion over at what size "plus" technically starts at. For each company it's different, either size 10 or 12 usually. This company happens to start at size 12.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. And of course my kids spent most of the day screaming at the top of their lungs.
I woke up around 7 A.M. to Gluten free pancakes made by Dave. Which was very sweet. He was wide awake, another oddity. I asked him, if this wakefulness would last he replied "Yeah! Totally!"
Which was a complete lie. And the rest of the day I spent trying to keep him awake.
We tried to go to the mother's day street fair around our neighborhood, but the 40 mph winds were a bit too much for me- I felt like I was going to be blown away. So we got about two blocks from the house, then turned back.
I was really not in a good mood at all yesterday. I found out my thyroid is now overactive, unlike two months ago when it was way under active.
This makes me really irritable, tired, nervous, the whole works.
I can't really do anything about it because this happens to me through out the year not matter what I do. So I kind of have to just ride it out.
I apologized several times yesterday for being bitchy. I felt bad because my family didn't deserve it at all.
Levi and I have been sick for the past two and a half weeks with an upper respiratory infection, that doesn't look like it's going away. Of course this is because of the mold in my apartment that hasn't been fixed.
So he's been screaming for days in pain. I feel horrible for my baby boy.
Plus he's been puking up everything he eats, and he's been eating less and less.
I have many things to worry about right now, food stamps, medicaid, my babies, the apartment,court, the modeling contest, the list goes on and on.

I'm very stressed at the moment. Trying to be positive even though things aren't looking too good at all.


Thanks for everyone's support.
Love and kisses Bitches!!!
Work that shit!

* this is a new photo of my son working it;)

A chance...

An opportunity has been given to me. To be a Plus-size model, actually a spokesperson for a plus-size clothing company. An amazing opportunity, problem is I'm not plus size anymore, I've been losing weight, not on purpose, but mainly because of stress and lack of money to buy food that I actually enjoy.
I submitted myself awhile ago, to this model search, and they asked me to come to the event, and walk the runway, have photos taken, etc.
Now if I actually got this, it would be a huge opportunity for my family and I.
But there's no guarantee that I would definitely win this amazing title, of being the company's spokesperson. I have pretty much till the end of the month, to go up a couple of sizes. And no, I wouldn't be gorging on food. Actually I don't know how I'd do it, I'd probably just start eating things I like again.
Dave wants me to do this really badly. Another thing is I would be traveling a lot, which to me is a downside because of my kids.
He thinks I could win this. I want to believe I could.
What do you guys think I should do.
Because I actually make more money being plus-size than I ever seem to make being thin. I don't know why, but unless I'm size 00 again, or a size 16, no one wants me when I'm somewhere in between. It's very bizarre. Extremes always sell.
Please let me know what you think.

I'll be looking forward to hearing from you.

*Here's photos from when I was size 00, and when I was plus size.

Why I don't like to mention that I model.

I realized a long long time ago- I'm not the typical model. I'm short, tattooed, and at times- fat.
I'm okay with all of that. Event the fat part.
And yes I always wish I were taller- but I fucked up any chance I had at being tall like my dad's family, a long long time ago ( maybe it's the massive eating disorders since I was a child??? Perhaps?)
My mom likes mentioning that I model, she's proud of me. It's nice to have some reason for my mom to be proud of me since I've done so many things in the past for her to be not proud of me.
When my mom mentions to a friend that I model, they ALWAYS give me the up-down (you know the start from the top to the very bottom look).
And right away I have to explain. Explain that I don't do runway and that they are many different types of models, especially for print.
I also have to explain that yes, I'm aware that I'm short, tattooed and fat.
Seriously do they think I'm delusional? That I think I'm 5'9, blond, and skinny?
Come on now, really?
I love being tattooed. I wish I had money for more tattoos. Sometimes I think I even want a face tattoo but I do get jobs for face make-up and beauty shots- which kinda makes getting face tattoo a bad idea.
I've had tattoos since I was 16 years old. I got my neck piece done in my kitchen by a motorcycling navy seal while my mom was in the bedroom.
My friend got his arm tattooed before I got my neck tattooed.
He felt nauseous, like he was going to vomit. The tattoo artist later told him he was being a pussy because I didn't complain while my neck was being tattooed.
But then again, I've never felt pain like the average person.
Maybe it's a bipolar thing- to not feel pain like other people do.
I know both Dave and I have this ability- which is probably why my daughter can fall and bust her ass open and not complain. She's the fucking terminator.
When I was a kid I used to open doors with my head because I didn't feel any pain.
I know- I was always strange. I thought I was unbreakable-seriously.
Most of my tattoos were cheap and not very thought out- it's okay I was young, dumb and very impulsive (BIPOLAR!). I don't regret any of my tattoos- I just wish some of them were nicer.
If I could I would LOVE to get tattoos from the original cast of LA Ink- but not Corey (not a big fan of his work- nothing personal). I met Kat Von D a long time ago-before all her surgeries. I like the way she looks now- I don't know why- I like her whole- L.A. porn star/ drag queen look- it's extreme and I've always been an extreme kinda gal. When I was 18 years old- I planned on getting lots of plastic surgery- maybe because my friends were all trannies and got lots of plastic surgery themselves. I later decided against it. I also like the way Rose McGowan looks now- after the surgeries, when she was in the movie Grind House. Again another extreme look. Though I can't stand big fake boobs and fake people- especially porn stars (I've known quite a few). I'm a contradiction, what can I say.
And Porn stars- not a classy bunch- they used to pee squatting on the sidewalk on night and they were never ever sober. Not a day in their life.
Back to the fat part. So If it was up to Dave- I'd be obese ( well he calls it "voluptuous"- he's a T and A kinda guy.). Which I guess is a good thing- because he'll never find me repulsive- unless I'm 80 lbs again- in which he could still find it in him to find me attractive.
At least I don't have a husband like my aunt had.
Every spring she'd stand in front of him in a bathing suit- and be judged.
He'd let her know if she had to loose weight or not by the summer.
Did I mention my dad's family did this to me during my childhood/teenage years.
I remember one summer standing in front of them in a bathing suit, judging me.
Yup, this was my upbringing- totally fucked on my dad's side.
My dad's mother would tell me (when I was 9 years old) I'd end up fat like my mother because she hated my mom, and the fact my dad loved her even though she wasn't their ideal skinny woman. Just to let you know, my mom is a beautiful woman- inside and out- more beautiful than my whole dad's family put together- I think that's why they hated her openly.
I'm actually working on getting stronger- not thinner. Which actually requires eating more and of course lifting weights. Yeah I'm the one woman in all the New York City- trying to eat more. Again- another contradiction.
Actually modeling being my size- size 12- yes I said it- I'm not ashamed of my size- choke if you must. I'd even tell you my weight if I knew it- (I don't keep a scale at home- and I haven't been to the doctors in months). In modeling, you either have to be one or the other- really skinny or really fat. I'm too fat for a lot of types of modeling and print ads, but get this- not fat enough for real plus size modeling.
Such as, I don't fit into Lane Bryant's clothing line. Weird I know.
So I either gotta get bigger or smaller to get jobs- and I don't plan on being a size double zero ever again in my lifetime. And yes- size 12 is technology a plus size- but there are two types of size 12s. One the juniors size 12 ( which is me) and the other 12W ( which is plus size clothing). Crystal Renn, a famous plus size model, says she's size 12 and is often made to look bigger in print ads. Which is true and strange because Lane Bryant doesn't come in size 12. So either Lane Bryant is tailoring her clothes for her on their shoots ( which is more probable), or she's technology a size 14.
Either way she's tall and gorgeous and a lucky muthafucka.
God bless her and her success.
Sometimes I think I'm gonna quit this business and get my freaking face tattoos.
But I love fashion- which is why I eventually want to design my own line and hire my own models- most being my friends, over size 10 and drop dead gorgeous! My type of gals;) Where my bitches at?!


Kisses Bitches!!!!
I've got my eye on you.

The photo is of Kevin Ronin tattooing my thigh at The Hellcity Ohio tattoo convention. I love this tattoo! He's a brilliant artist. And I took these photos WHILE getting my tattoo. I'm a hard ass bitch. Work!

How my casting went...

Last night was horrible. Levi is teething really badly- screaming all night long. And Violet was coughing all night long. So no sleep whatsoever for Dave and I.
I couldn't function this morning and the kids were nuts! Especially Levi- who is usually all smiles and laughs. My poor baby boy.
So I couldn't go on the school tour I planned for this morning.
But I still had to go to my casting today even though I wasn't feeling so grand either. The casting was today at 2 P.M. near F.I.T. ( to those of you knew know me- you know I despise F.I.T. and the students that go there- not the teachers though)
I was 20 minutes early- like usual.
By the way- I felt like a sausage packed in casing the whole way there due to the fact Dave shrunk ALL my clothes. And no it's not just the fact I'm getting bigger;)
He shrunk the kids clothes as well. So I was being squeezed by my jeans ever so tightly- I felt like a hoochie. And those days had long past for me. Long long ago.
So I went in and got the whole shpeel about the music artist and the photographer.
The photographer I knew a lot about. He's amazingly talented. But he is not my fave photographer of all time- that is of course, the one the only David LaChappelle. I worship the ground he walks on- he is the reason I take photographs.
After I write my name and number on a sheet of paper- I go in to meet the photographer and there were a few other people in the room- that did not introduce themselves.
He took a few close-ups and mentioned the necklace I was wearing ( my fave cigarette necklace) was interesting. It's a conversation piece for sure.
This was our short conversation while he took my photos.
I said to him " Most people ( for some very odd reason) think the cigarettes on my necklace are real."
To which he replied, "Wow, that's strange. I imagine they wouldn't last long(meaning the cigarettes). What are they made of?"
I said "Plastic???"
He then asked me if I was available on the shoot dates. To which I answered yes. And Then asked me if I had any more tattoos ( which was apparently the reason I was chosen for the casting). I said yes- "On my neck, back, finger, thigh and ankle."
Then he said "okay". And signaled for me that I could leave.
Yup. That was it. I took maybe 3 minutes, if I was lucky.
As I left everyone in the waiting room gave me the crook eye and the up-down.
I felt dirty yet again.
I decided to perk myself up by buying Violet some well deserved toys to bring to her great-grandma's on Valentine's day to keep her occupied.
All in all the casting wasn't bad- but it wasn't that great either. I doubt I got that part- but maybe just maybe- I'll get another part from that same casting.
Who knows.
I'm tired and really disappointed I can't go to my girlie's house tonight to hang.
I adore my Molly. And I was really looking forward to it for about a month now.
But the kids- Levi especially won't let me leave for too long.
The last night I went out at night was Dave and my anniversary- for a very quick bite at a local restaurant. We had to rush home because Violet was sick.
I have plans for my b-day celebration on Feb. 19th at my favorite place, The White Rabbit. I have got to be there and spend time with my friends- who I miss terribly.

I love you all and see you real soon!
kisses bitches!!!

Castings...

I have a casting tomorrow. No- it's no pay but it is a brilliant photographer and it is a music video.
This will be my first casting since before I was pregnant with Levi.
Castings and I don't go together. I have never gotten a job from a casting.
And boy do I have interesting stories of the castings I've been on. That's for sure.
So I'm kinda nervous. Well... really nervous.
Casting are basically cattle calls. They treat you like you're a cow. MOOOOO!
I've had directors that right away hate my guts. Yeah- that's always fun.
Or the total opposite- where I get a call back- I have everyone rolling on the floor laughing at how incredibly charming and funny I am... then never get the part.
When I go to castings I feel like I've been abused. Or more to the point- shot in the stomach.
It's a huge hit to the ego. Most people know me as pretty confident- because frankly I could give two shits about what you think of me- but at castings- that's what you're there for. For them to "pick" you or not. It's ALL about what THEY think of you. It makes me feel dirty. Yet- I love what I do. I just don't love ALL of it.
A lot of times I think about quitting modeling for good. No MAS!
But then some amazing job or opportunity sucks me back in.
It used to be my living. I live and breathed modeling. All I did 24/7 was network and get me out there. It was exhausting- and I loved every minute of it.
Now my life is a bit different. One- I've had TWO kids- one rather recently I might add. And I'm still in post-baby body. Which means- everything's not where you want it to be. And my babies are now my life. My family is my life. I take care of a family of seven people. Daily. Nightly. They are more important to me than myself.
So castings- I go when I can, if I can. Maybe even have a story to share with you guys and gals.
But modeling is no longer my life. Just an aspect of it.
My life is more worth while now- that's for sure.
So here I am typing about my casting tomorrow and now I'm not so nervous. Actually I'm pretty relieved and calm. Knowing no matter what happens tomorrow- it's not that big a deal. I get to come home to my lovely babies- and get a giggle or two out of them and maybe even a high five!

Talk to you this weekend- to let you know how it went.

Peace out my darlings!
Till next time- kisses bitches!