Monday, March 22, 2010

Long time no write.

Sorry it's been a whole 5 days!
I feel like so much has happened since then.
First Violet got a bug from school. She had a very high fever and her stomach was upset. I don't feel so hot either- we share everything. Sloppy kisses, you name it- but that's part of the joys of being a mommy- the sloppy kisses I mean- not the sharing of viruses.
I actually got a chance to watch mind numbing television yesterday- well kind of.
Usually when I get a chance I like to catch up on my favorite shows I've missed and recorded. This time, my mom was watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels- so I decided to chillax next to her and watch it with her.
First of all, let me just say- they are a breathe of fresh air- as far as famous families go. Their kids are awesome, and overall good people. Which is rare.
Shannon, Gene Simmons long time girlfriend (I don't think they should ever marry- because really- there's no need- if things are working this way- then they should stay this way- that's my opinion), found a lump in her breast and had two biopsies.
This hits me close to home, since I've been through this only months before being pregnant with Violet.
Shannon is in my opinion, a very strong woman. She handled it extremely well.
A lot better than I did. The biopsy hurts like a BITCH from hell! And I'm not afraid of needles at all- since with all my health problems I'm stuck with them all the time. But wow- that hurt more than words can describe.
When I went through that, I wanted my breasts removed immediately but no doctor would do it- because insurance wouldn't pay for it. Which is ridiculous when you think of it- it's a preventive measure- but insurance won't pay for it- unless you ALREADY have cancer. This is so stupid.
I still wish I'd have gotten it done. Fuck breasts! That's what I always say.
For all the reasons they gave me NOT to remove them- that I might have children and want to breast feed. Yes I did have children and I did breast feed both children- for a very short time because physically I couldn't and it was a very painful experience- emotionally as well.
I also made a living by modeling nude. Yes, nude. I'm not ashamed. The photos were art, not porn. But this is how I made money- basically for my boobs and body.
And I STILL wanted them removed. I was told that would hurt my modeling career severely- but I knew this is what I wanted. And I'd still find a way to make a living modeling. If I could afford to remove them, I would in a heart beat. That day-after my biopsy, not knowing what the results would be, was one of the WORST days of my life. And knowing I might have to go through that again someday, terrifies me to the core. I took a self- portrait that month of myself with scissors to my breast. It horrified many of my friends, so even though I still have these images, and would like to post them, I will not because it might scare some people.
I took these photos, because I was angry. Angry at the doctors and my insurance- for not obeying my wishes and making the decision for me. I hate not being in control of my own life and body. I did not harm myself- so don't go worrying about me. I've been suicidal in the past- that time was NOT one of them.
Anyway- watching things like that strike a nerve in me- but I'm SO glad she chose to share that with everyone- because this could save many peoples lives. Kudos to her.
On another note- I scheduled Violet's 24 hour stay in the hospital, but now I might have to reschedule it for later in April due to my health. I'm supposed to stay with her overnight, but with my recent frequent heart problems, I can't do that.
I'm living off aspirin. It's my best friend now, that's for sure.
I have many doctors appointments coming up- I just want answers at this point.

That's all for now- God bless all of you- and CHECK your breasts- yes even you guys out there.

Kisses Bitches!!!


  1. I don't understand why people would get scared of those photos unless you were hurting yourself in them. Maybe I need to see them. Send them to me please?

    I completely understand what you mean.
    I have "Fibrocystic Breast Condition" which means I grow benign lumps in my breasts. Because of this I have to undergo regular breast exams and ultrasounds because the chance of me having cancer and them not finding it is higher (like trying to find a needle in a needle stack).

    I've had 2 biopsy's and one removal because the lump began to grow. I even have a lump now that I have to monitor. The fear never gets easier or the procedures less painful, but I try to see the humor in every situation.
    My job becomes making the doctor, nurse, or the ultrasound tech crack a smile or even laugh, then the rest of it gets easier.

  2. God bless you hunny. You're a trooper.
    That's just another reason why i love you baby.
    I don't know how you do it.
    And humor- is always a great way to deal with things.