Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My Pre-Birthday Blog

At 5:59 AM tomorrow morning, I will be turning 29 years old. And I'm feeling depressed. Not because I'm getting older- but instead because I get depressed around my birthday just about every year.
I'm fine with getting older- actually I feel fifty-something- not twenty-something.
I've had a LONG life, thus far. And have experienced many things most twenty-something's haven't. I'm not talking kids and marriage either.
By the time I was 25 I had been hospitalized several times- for being manic, for being suicidal, for being severely crippled from multiple eating disorders.
I spent New Years Eve 2003, inside an institution. I will at some point talk about my time in those institutions and the people I met- but now doesn't seem like the time.
I used to have many bipolar friends- I tend to attract them like a magnet. I think Bipolars attract other bipolars- it's probably a law of attraction kinda thing.
I made two very close friends in two separate hospital stays. One, Julia- became my blood sister- also bipolar and had multiple eating disorders. I loved her very much- I even gave her my teddy bear named bunny (yes I used to name stuffed animals- opposite of what they were- it's funnier that way). She had a very abusive boyfriend-who made me very nervous. I stayed in touch with her months after, he had tried to kill her. After she left him I didn't hear from her. I'm assuming she's dead at this point. Being bipolar and in an abusive relationship- don't end well. period.
My other friend, Mike was my best bud during my first hospital stay. Again like me he was bipolars- most patients in institutions are bipolar- as well as other things.
Mike left the hospital before I did- even though he tried to prolong his stay to make me happy. We caused serious chaos in the hospital with the other patients there. It was fun fucking with other crazy patients' minds. One patient, we made believe we did magic. Yeah- that's a whole other story all together.
Mike would constantly be in hospitals- he went from one to the other. He was even BANNED from other hospitals. He would sell his prescriptions instead of taking them.
And then end up seriously depressed and suicidal. Bipolars for the most part- make REALLY bad decisions. REALLY BAD. I haven't heard from Mike in many years. I assume the worst.
One of the main reasons I'm not still friends with my old bipolar buddies- is because they made horrible decisions- and weren't self-aware. Many became strippers- of all kinds. Most bipolars- almost all- are sex addicts, shopaholics,drug addicts, alcoholics.
Every time I went into an institution they tried to make me go to rehab. I argued this because I was addicted to such things only when I was manic. I can go months- even years without a drink. It's not a thing for me now.
I've seen a lot and done a lot in my life so far. It makes me feel like I've been around more years than I actually have.
I didn't go to my ten year H.S. reunion because I feel I have nothing in common with them, I didn't then and I especially don't now.
This is probably why I find it so hard to connect with people. I feel most times like I'm from another planet.
So here I am- turning only 29 years old.
Yesterday sucked, today was horrible and tomorrow ain't looking too hot either.
I'm trying to look forward to seeing my friends on Friday. Going to my favorite chill spot, White Rabbit. But I'm nervous- what if they don't have a good time? What if there's silence? I'm a very anxious person. I worry if my friends will have fun or not. And yes I will be drinking. Before Friday I had some drinks three months ago and before that, one and half years. I proved most doctors wrong. I didn't need rehab like they suggested, and I'm not dead yet.
I went shopping tonight looking for a real slutty-whorish shirt and some high heels to wear for Friday. So for one night I don't feel I look like an exhausted mom of two. But I didn't find anything to my liking. Did find some accessories.
I thought shopping would make me feel better- but it didn't. Nothing did. So i wrote this blog just now- which is just a few out of the millions of blogs I have in my mind and am planning to write. I'm an open book- and most have hated this about me.
But I feel the more open I am about my experiences- maybe just maybe- I can help someone- and stop them from making the same mistakes I have. Or in the very least- let them know they're not alone.
To all my bipolar readers out there- I'm here, willing to talk and listen.

Love you all.
See ya when I turn 29.


  1. Your friends are looking forward to seeing you because they miss you. I know I can only speak for me but knowing what a great person you are I can only assume its the same all around. You've matured so much in your years and thats really what you should be celebrating. You should be so proud of yourself for overcoming those obstacles. Sure, there are more out there. There always will be, but knowing you overcome what you have should remind you how strong you are. You have the love of your friends and family to back you up! I cant wait to see you on Friday cuz I miss the hell out of you!

  2. Thank you so much Natalia! That was beautiful- what you said.
    I'm lucky to have friends like you in my life.
    I love you and can't wait to see you!