Friday, July 30, 2010

Why do these things bother me?

Yesterday I was a bit depressed, I didn't have a particular reason, just the usual up and downs of being bipolar.
Plus Dave and Kayla got into an argument last night, which turned into an argument between him and I. I've mention before Dave has "anger issues". He promised me, he'd get help. All was going well until last night, when he blew his top over absolutely nothing.
It took awhile to calm him down but eventually he did. He did apologize to Kayla and I.
I just wish it wouldn't get to that point.

Him and I have been under a lot of stress lately, as well as the rest of the household but this isn't that unusual.

I understand his rage- I used to be filled with it myself. Breaking several things in the house- I had a horrible temper- really bad. But I HAD to calm down after having Violet, for me there wasn't any choice. I don't want my babies growing up witnessing that kind of rage.

Dave is going to get help, I'm glad to say.

I found out last night that a neighbor of mine recently had another baby. She had just had one a year ago and she's much older than I am. This made me really sad. I'm happy for her, but having a miscarriage myself recently and still wanting to have another child, it upset me.
Why do these things bother me?

I didn't sleep well last night, and neither did the kids. Levi was up for a large portion of the night. I finally fell asleep at 6 A.M. this morning and woke up at 8. Between that time I had horrible nightmares about my children. I really hate those kind of dreams.

Violet woke up shaking from a fever- why she has one, I don't know. She and Lee get high fevers at least once a month, and the doctor doesn't know why.

A few months ago, when Dave was in full-on anger mode- he said a very hurtful thing to me in the heat of his anger "If all our kids aren't going to come autistic- maybe we should just stop having them!" I was so upset by that comment and cried for awhile.
These kinds of comments, I know aren't like Dave to say. He's a very kind, loving, caring person- but this rage takes over him.

A couple of days ago he said something that really touched me- " I hope all our kids come out special- because we have some great kids." (something like that)

And it made me so happy- because THAT'S my David!

I feel the same way- I'm not afraid if more of my children are autistic, or even if they are "normal", they are my babies, and I feel very very blessed to have them. They are my life- they are the reason I live. PERIOD. And nothing, no diagnosis could ever change that.

Thanks for listening.

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