Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Some things people never ever tell you about marriage

First of all if you are family, or a friend and are one of those people who say "too much information", or "T.M.I."..don't read this blog entry. Nuff said.
There are several things people never told me about marriage. SO MANY.

Not that it would've changed my mind or anything. I was always terrified of marriage. It took Dave three times proposing for me to finally say yes. And it has nothing to do with him, I just never really thought I'd get married. I never like my parents marriage, so I didn't feel it was right for me.

Even on the day of our "wedding" I say this in quotation marks- because it was a rushed wedding in City hall- which takes probably less than one whole minute for the ceremony. Yeah- it's not fun at all. I was terrified on the way there- Dave was yelling at me "You don't want to get Married!?!" And all I said back was "uhh, yeah I want to get married, I'm just scared. It's normal! Deal with it!!!" Yeah- I was a peach- four months pregnant, and nauseous with morning sickness. Fun times!

Anyways- there are things I think all people should know before "taking the plunge". One I'm all about "living in Sin" nothing is wrong with that whatsoever. Having kids, living together all that without a marriage certificate- good for you. As long as you're committed to never leaving each other. No document- should change things. Like the minute that certificate is signed- people change. usually the man in this case- but not always.

Men usually woo the girl, dress nice, smell nice, are polite- you know "courtship"

The women do the same usually. Well it also depends how long you were together before marriage. Dave and I- eight years together before marriage. I thought I knew everything!!! That nothing would change. Bullshit! You don't know shit!

So here's some funny things people don't tell you about marriage.

One- yes, one of you or both of you will most probably get fat. This part you know. Not all of you are okay with this fact but it is a FACT. Weight changes. Period. And you have to be okay with this. Unless you're one of those crazy people that watch every single thing you eat- and WANT to for the rest of your fucking LIFE!

I try to keep to a normal weight, for me- not for him. He tries to fatten me up every chance he gets! What can I say he fucking LOVES fatties! God bless him.

Before him I was into skinny people. But I learned to love the chub. And yes with each and every pregnancy my husband got bigger. Which to me, really isn't a problem- I love him no matter what. That's the truth. Do I want him to be healthy and around for the kids- yes- and that's the only reason he is trying to lose weight.

So what have we learned thus far- not only do women gain weight during pregnancy- SO DO MEN!

You have to be okay with your spouse- not bathing for awhile. Gross? you say? Well- with kids- time for yourself is difficult- I have mastered this. I bathe a lot. My husband- hasn't mastered this so he needs to be reminded- BATHE.

I hate hair, so I still shave, and bathe, and wear make-up and do my hair. But this is for ME, not because he wants me to do this or anything. I've just always been like this ( probably the old lesbian part of me still sticking with me), no marriage certificate is going to change this about me. I like to feel attractive. Plus I think I'm a little O.C.D. about cleanliness.

Don't EVER have kids and get married the same year! It's total and complete chaos! Marriage- needs it's own time adjusting. As well as the first year of having a child. Both together- KABOOM, Muthafucka. Fucking KABOOM!

So don't do it!

People don't tell you how "comfortable" you have to be with your spouse. The changes in appearance, smell, etc.

If they get hurt, and become disabled- will you take care of them forever- now if you're in a new relationship - I bet your answer- is a cutesy- "of course I love him/her no matter what."

But really- you gotta wipe this persons' ass several times a day- if needed. Are you willing?!

If not- Don't get married! And seriously what a fucking horrible evil motherfucker are YOU exactly to not do this for the person you love, you prick?!

No one ever told me- one night I may have to run out to Duane Reade and get my husband adult diapers because he was very ill! This still to this day makes me fucking laugh my ass off. Yes it's stupid crazy shit like this you will be doing for the rest of your life!

Another thing no one fucking told me. If your spouse gets fat enough- and you're doin' it- from behind- they may or may not put their stomach on top of your ass, as a motherfucking shelf! I know- this is fucking crazy right? But to me it's fucking hilarious!!!!

Afterwards I was like, "Motherfucker. Did you just fucking do that?! And think I wouldn't say nothing???!!!"

BTW Dave gave me permission to write about this- before you think- I'm such an assshole for sharing this.

It was just TOO freakin' funny to keep to myself. I really don't care if you think it's gross or whatnot- to me- It's marriage- deal with it. If you can't get out while you still can- plus really you have no sense of humor. And that makes me cry. Now NUT UP G-ddammit!

Also, despite what many people think- men can go longer without sex than most women. I know, weird right? I've tried to threaten my husband with "oh yea- then you ain't getting any!"

To which he replies- "yeah fucking right! you'll break down in five fucking minutes- don't play!" And he's right. What can I say, I don't have hobbies.

This is REAL LIFE. It's not clean, and pretty it's rough, and real and difficult.

But if you stick it out- you get a bestfriend for life- that will always have your back. Who will love you no matter what you look like, smell like, even sound like. This isn't marriage it's a WAR. A never ending war- But there are benefits.

I'm not going to list them all- but you'll find out eventually what they are.

So if you're getting married- ask yourself ARE YOU READY? And If you're not- and you want to continue to work hard, woooing and smelling nice, and looking nice- well G-d bless you, you're a hard fucking worker. If you're not- then get married by all means;)

I hope you know what a fucking blast I had writing this!

Laughing my ass off the whole fucking way!!!!

Plus cursing a lot- FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK- always fun. I'm a child, I know.

Kisses bitches! That's my knowledge for today! Peace out!

*a photo I found of the net- I somehow think this fits- plus it's so funny, I don't know why. But it is.

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