This has been a horrible weekend, to say the least. But I'm not going to tip-toe around the subject anymore.
I know I mentioned before that Dave had a bad skin infection- Yesterday he was feeling really sick and I was really worried. Also my sister was extremely light-headed all week and I worried about her as well.
I've been in a really bad place this weekend.
I wasn't going to tell anyone- because I was actually afraid of people's reactions- especially my family's. But now I realize- I'm an adult and whatever decisions I make- are my RIGHT to make them- and I don't have to EXPLAIN myself to anyone anymore. Frankly I cannot worry about people's reactions or what they think of me. If I did then I'd still be talking to my dad's side of the family- for which I "don't exist" anymore.
I was pregnant. Yep. Pregnant- no it wasn't on purpose. But I was very happy nonetheless. Of course I was scared, but in the end- I knew this was a baby I wanted not matter what. I LOVE my kids and give them everything I have to offer, I feed them before me, I will clothe them before me, everything I do is for my babies- and I would never have it any other way. They are my life- period. I'm actually a great mom, despite what some people think of me. And being poor- doesn't affect my abilities as a mom. If I waited "till I could afford kids" then I wouldn't have had my two beautiful babies now, would I? And that's a world I would never want to be a part of.
Last week, I started cramping really badly- and I knew what was coming. Yesterday I started miscarrying. I was devastated. Not only from the horrible pain I was in- and still am, but because I really wanted that baby. This will be the third miscarriage for me in 4 years.
And even though I know, that something must've not been right with the baby, for the baby to miscarry, it still upsets me.
The night before I miscarried- I had nightmares that babies were dying. It killed me.
While I was miscarrying- I was so exhausted, so I took a nap despite the pain- the dream I had lifted me up a bit. I dreamt that I was in Disney World ( my favorite place:) with my THREE kids, Violet, Levi and the youngest was one (I think it was a girl, but I'm not sure) in a suite in the beach resort hotel. It was a good dream.
When I woke up- I knew I'd still have a third baby, despite this miscarriage.
I didn't share the news that I was pregnant, because thankfully- I was still in a very early stage of pregnancy. Second, because I was worried what people might think of me- that I was being "irresponsible" or something ridiculous like that.
On Friday I shared the news that I was pregnant with one of my best friends- and they responded- "What are you gonna do?" As if I would abort this baby!
I responded" Have the baby." I would NEVER EVER abort a child of mine. Ever. I just need to state that. Because when I first heard my daughter's heartbeat- at 5 weeks pregnant- I knew I could NEVER ever abort a child. Knowing they ARE alive, so early in pregnancy. They have souls AND a heartbeat.
When I heard my dear friend say this- I was devastated.
Especially the following day, yesterday during the miscarriage. Because I felt people would be "happy" I miscarried. Another thing I think people need to understand is that a miscarriage isn't "a one stage event" it doesn't just happen then it's over- it lasts for a while and goes on- little at a time, not all at once. So light and slow in the beginning- which I think is the most hurtful part- that you have time to convince yourself it's all just part of pregnancy, and everything's gonna be OK. And then comes the part where you realize that all your prayers, and all the small hopes you'd pinned on this baby-to-be are not going to stop the miscarriage. God just won't take it back. So yes, I'm still upset and still in pain.
The only people that shared my grief with me were my sister, my husband and my friends Shannon and Karen. Thanks, Shannon and Karen.
My mom didn't want me sharing this information with everyone. But I'm tired of living my life- for everyone else. This is MY life and my decisions. And if my friends or family members can't deal with that- it's not my problem anymore.
I'm almost thirty years old- enough is enough already.
So I decided to come forward with the truth and what I've been going through.
Thank G-d Dave is getting better, I was sickly worried about him, especially yesterday- when he was really really ill.
I'm holding on to my dream and not the nightmare I had.
I will have this third wonderful child, despite this setback.
This miscarriage showed me how much I love my kids and how much I do want a big family.
Without them, I am truly nothing.
Through my grieving, I see a light ahead and good times.
I have court tomorrow. And yes I AM going despite what's happening at the moment to me.
I don't have time to stress over what may or may not happen. I have things bigger than that going on at the moment. Whatever will be will be.
Just thought you should know.
Normally at this point I'd write "kisses Bitches" but that doesn't seem appropriate right now. So instead I will say this- to everyone who has experienced a miscarriage, I feel your pain. You ARE STRONG and I admire you. Keep on going and good things will come. I send my love to all of you.
Thanks for listening.
BTW- on a much much lighter note- I woke up this morning to my daughter BUTT NAKED in her crib! She'd taken off her Pjs and DIAPER!! And was jumping up and down holding her stuffed Gorilla.
Yeah- That's my beautiful babygirl;)