10 Sleepless nights

10 days! Yep ! I went 10 days with almost little to NO SLEEP! before 2 nights ago.
Yes, I am Bipolar.
I don't say I HAVE bipolar disorder.
You can say you have it or you ARE it, it's whatever floats  your boat ppl.
Bipolar is a huge part of my identity.
And has been since I was diagnosed  in 2003 (officially).
It took a long time to get diagnosed. 2003 was the first time I was institutionalized.
Notice I said FIRST. there would be MANY, too many to count actually, afterwards.
As well as multiple hospitalizations for my eating disorders.
Sleepless nights have been a part of my life since childhood.
They are no fun.
And the longer they stretch the more your mind wonders. Panic sets in. Anxiety gets worse- I have severe anxiety as it is, no sleep makes it ten times worse.
This was a hypomanic stretch, not full mania, hypomania is different, and different for different people.
Mine---mostly panic,  irritation, no sleep, racing thoughts, but not super happy and bright sunshine and sparkles, ya know what I'm saying?
Not that mania is fun. It's actually quite dangerous.
I was cycling really fast and my adhd medication burn off in the afternoon  was hitting me harder than usual.
Yes, I have ADHD as well.
I know this is kind of a long post, but I realize I haven't written about my bipolar in awhile. I guess I was feeling very antisocial. But I'm coming out of my shell again and want to be more open again

Swallowtail

Another butterfly hatched yesterday...so this happened.

I now have such a deep love for swallowtail butterflies, and have to be present for each hatching.

They always come back to say hello again and again.

It's a beautiful thing.

I feel such a deep connection with them.💙💙

I know this is probably my first pic of my side neck tattoo.
It was done in my kitchen when I was 16, Not by a professional.
Definitely  a manic moment of mine.
It came out terrible and then I had an allergic reaction to the cream so all the colors bleed out.
It never looked right. It was SUPPOSED to be a fairy.
I have a long time obsession with fairies, especially Brian froud fairies (the dark crystal is on my arm, but not complete)

I've always known I would one day have it covered but never knew with what (plus in NYC tatts are super expensive- now that I've moved I have a lot more options!!😊 for mah poor ass)
Now I know I want swallowtail butterflies,  realistic ones flying across my neck.

The butterflies have become a symbol of my rebirth my metamorphosis into the new phase of my life.  My truer self hopefully.
As an Aquarius I'm always unpredictable and evolving.

So I surprise myself at times.
I'm always on to the next style, next fashion, next thing etc.

Buzzcut and makeup

Did my makeup from bed.
And yes,  did a buzzcut. ..not from bed,  haha.
Always feel more like myself with a buzzcut. Always.

I try to grow it out due to what I see , colorful ,long hair and boredom.
But I always come back to my buzzcut because that's ME. That's what fits me.

I try on all different "hats" so to speak, but it never quite feels right.

I try to fit into society and what it wants from me but I never can.
Like doing my makeup the other day-
Mascara,  eyeliner,  eyebrow pencil, Lip liner and lipstick.
It felt like A LOT to me- and and lot of effort, it was tiring.

  Meanwhile 3 years ago I would've never left the house without makeup!! Ever! !! And a lot of it!
I change my look on a whim still.

Slowly and always trying to better myself and finding what I like compared to what society likes and what the difference is.

Somedays

I've been having days like these.
They are all too familiar.
Filled to the brim with feelings
So many feelings
I feel like I can't breathe
I want to cry so bad from all the sadness
All the madness
Not one tear is shed
Not one
Just these overwhelming feelings
Consume me
Overtake  me
Inhale me
Where am I?
Where do I go?
Where do I fit in?
Now there is no more for me with all these feelings amuck
What a mess they've made
Fucking feelings.
Not one damn tear.
And no room left for me.

I'm left on the outside as usual.
Damn feelings,
Won't you hurry up.
Calm down and let me in?

Spock hair taught me a thing or two.

So..I did my sister's  hair many many many hours after my major seizure this morning and then did mine, almost on the verge of unconsciousness- which is totally the way I see myself going- with a set of clippers in my hands,  or gloves and haircolor😅 . So this is my new new look, for a hit minute.  I likey.

Sorry for being  MIA lately.  Been really ill  and then you know I get truly bored and push myself really hard to do something creative,  like coloring and cutting my family's hair and mine- also because I'm the only hairstylist in the family,  and I can't stand looking at bad hair.
Uggggh. Pet peeve.  And it always happens.  I'll be sitting in the doc's office with a family member and realize,  dammit ! I gotta get myself together,  and do their hair soon!
I AM that person. This is one of my crafts I've done since I was 12 and told my mom - STOP cutting my sister's hair!  Just stop!  She looks like Spock, for goodness sake!  You shaved of her damn sideburns! She's 3, and going into Pre-k, and looks like Spock! Enough is enough!  Put down the garden shears! You are a mom! Not a hairstylist! !!"
And that was the birth of my path.
Fucking Spock hair

The small things, be proud!

Totally giving me the feels

Hooray for me!!
And  to all of you that do this despite all your struggles -
When you can!!!

The struggle is real.
No joke.
This pic did make me giggle tho ,
Because I do feel like a champion  sometimes for the little things, or NEED to, for the things that I can only do SOMETIMES that others take for granted that they do daily without any thought or problem.

Whether due to physical,  or mental illnesses- all chronic illnesses to me and should be treated as such.

Bipolar-ing

Sorry I haven't been blogging so much- keep up with me on instagram- "yearsoftherapy"
I try to post daily, when I don't that means I was really ill.
So please forgive me.

Trying to fight depression.
It kinda creeps up on me likes like a
Shadow and covers all the light that was once there and all of a sudden you realize the light's out.
So you try to fight to see the light again.

But I'm fighting  for the light everyday.

Every.damn.day.
Somedays I win. Others...not so much.
I am Bipolar.
I am ok with that. It took years to be.
I still have days where I wish I wasnt.
But it happens. It my life. My journey.

I fight to end the stigma.

Dinosaur Party

Happy 10th birthday, Violet!!!!(she's on the left)
Dinosaur party time! You light up my life everyday and every night. You have taught me, continue to teach me how to grow as a person, to love and be loved.
I will never be able to repay you enough.
I thank you for choosing me as your parent and as your student in life.
I promise to always continue to listen to you and try to understand you in the best way I possibly can and not only be your mom but your advocate in life - to fight for your rights as a human being
You are a beautiful beautiful beautiful soul.
You forever inspire me to be a BETTER mom, sister, daughter, friend, human.
I will forever be thankful for you and to you.

As I always tell you everyday and night-

I love you more than the moon, the stars and the sky.

Happy happy happy birthday my love.

Autism💜

I posted a video on instagram of me playing with my sweetpea, Violet !She's my oldest and soon will be turning 10 years old this week!
Showing her my earrings I got 3 months ago from my sister,  that I never got a chance to wear and finally decided to dress up.

My earrings say "Can you not".
Not something I can usually wear to doctor appts.

Lula wanted to play with makeup this morning. At 7 am on Sunday.
Yes this is me "dressed up"
I told you I  wear hoodies and sweatshirts all the time.
This is my FANCIEST 😎 sweatshirt 😂-it says SHITAKE HAPPENS.
My life to a T.
And I laugh at it.

Violet has Autism,  as do all my children. 

They are all very different from each other -
like every child on the autism spectrum,  NO child is alike.

And they all completely own my heart. 

And I wouldn't EVER  have them any other way NEVER EVER.

They are perfect the way they are.
I'm so proud of them,  and how much they've taught me and we continue  to grow and learn together as a family, as a team.

So I guess my earrings mean-
CAN YOU NOT tell me-

-you are so sorry to hear my child/children has autism.
-if I just would parent them better
-what do I think CAUSED it?
-they don't  LOOK autistic, or AT LEAST they don't LOOK autistic.

Or GIVE me any type of parenting advice whatsoever. Period.
IF I HAVEN'T ASKED.

Instead of feeling pity-
Because I'm not upset, I feel so lucky to have my children in my life. After 4 miscarriages, I have 3 wonderful blessings!

Offer a play date! A ladies night out? ( or Guy's?  them? They?)
Help with cleaning?
Helping with shopping?

Offering things that HELP us with TIME. And mostly friendship😊

Fun mom

It's hard to be the "fun mom" all the time.
I try to be.
I mean,  my kids know I have a  different range of emotions,  and I'm not perfect. 
I make that clear- even though I'm  their mom,  I'm still a human being,  and make mistakes.
I feel this is an extremely important lesson to teach my children.
Especially,  having mental illnesses.

I want to hide my sadness from my children as much as possible, I wish I could hide it from myself as well and just be the fun mom,  the happy mom.

That's just not in the cards for me.
That's just not my story.
But I hope that makes them stronger people.

I think it's making them more empathize more with others.
I think.

More aware of others and their feelings.  So that's a plus!

Anywhoo-

Love you all big and small!! Xoxo
-beans