10 Sleepless nights

10 days! Yep ! I went 10 days with almost little to NO SLEEP! before 2 nights ago.
Yes, I am Bipolar.
I don't say I HAVE bipolar disorder.
You can say you have it or you ARE it, it's whatever floats  your boat ppl.
Bipolar is a huge part of my identity.
And has been since I was diagnosed  in 2003 (officially).
It took a long time to get diagnosed. 2003 was the first time I was institutionalized.
Notice I said FIRST. there would be MANY, too many to count actually, afterwards.
As well as multiple hospitalizations for my eating disorders.
Sleepless nights have been a part of my life since childhood.
They are no fun.
And the longer they stretch the more your mind wonders. Panic sets in. Anxiety gets worse- I have severe anxiety as it is, no sleep makes it ten times worse.
This was a hypomanic stretch, not full mania, hypomania is different, and different for different people.
Mine---mostly panic,  irritation, no sleep, racing thoughts, but not super happy and bright sunshine and sparkles, ya know what I'm saying?
Not that mania is fun. It's actually quite dangerous.
I was cycling really fast and my adhd medication burn off in the afternoon  was hitting me harder than usual.
Yes, I have ADHD as well.
I know this is kind of a long post, but I realize I haven't written about my bipolar in awhile. I guess I was feeling very antisocial. But I'm coming out of my shell again and want to be more open again

"I knew who I was in the morning"

" I knew who I was in the morning but I've changed a few times from then".

Well known quote in the Bipolar community.

To me though it means so much much more.

Every day in every way the world around me is changing.

I woke up with a good idea of who I was today...very positive actually.

Events happened....and then others and others, obstacles as they do- usually I'd stress and worry.

Instead I was the steadiest in the room.
See my life has changed and how I react to my world has changed too.

The world, people and certain events had managed to change me...and then...I grew stronger, more still and peaceful.

I never know what tomorrow brings but  I look forward to it.

I knew who I was in the morning but I've changed a few times since then-

And I'm so very glad.🙏

Somedays

I've been having days like these.
They are all too familiar.
Filled to the brim with feelings
So many feelings
I feel like I can't breathe
I want to cry so bad from all the sadness
All the madness
Not one tear is shed
Not one
Just these overwhelming feelings
Consume me
Overtake  me
Inhale me
Where am I?
Where do I go?
Where do I fit in?
Now there is no more for me with all these feelings amuck
What a mess they've made
Fucking feelings.
Not one damn tear.
And no room left for me.

I'm left on the outside as usual.
Damn feelings,
Won't you hurry up.
Calm down and let me in?

Bipolar-ing

Sorry I haven't been blogging so much- keep up with me on instagram- "yearsoftherapy"
I try to post daily, when I don't that means I was really ill.
So please forgive me.

Trying to fight depression.
It kinda creeps up on me likes like a
Shadow and covers all the light that was once there and all of a sudden you realize the light's out.
So you try to fight to see the light again.

But I'm fighting  for the light everyday.

Every.damn.day.
Somedays I win. Others...not so much.
I am Bipolar.
I am ok with that. It took years to be.
I still have days where I wish I wasnt.
But it happens. It my life. My journey.

I fight to end the stigma.

Fun mom

It's hard to be the "fun mom" all the time.
I try to be.
I mean,  my kids know I have a  different range of emotions,  and I'm not perfect. 
I make that clear- even though I'm  their mom,  I'm still a human being,  and make mistakes.
I feel this is an extremely important lesson to teach my children.
Especially,  having mental illnesses.

I want to hide my sadness from my children as much as possible, I wish I could hide it from myself as well and just be the fun mom,  the happy mom.

That's just not in the cards for me.
That's just not my story.
But I hope that makes them stronger people.

I think it's making them more empathize more with others.
I think.

More aware of others and their feelings.  So that's a plus!

Anywhoo-

Love you all big and small!! Xoxo
-beans

Disconnected from my reflection

I had a huge PBA (Pseuobulbar affect) moment followed by a seizure.
I know what you are thinking-

She is so fucing lucky!

I know, right?
Seizures,  PBA?! I'M LIVING THE FUCKING HIGH LIFE!

Yeah,  OK , back to "reality" or whatever people call it nowadays.

I went to wash my face and BAM!
that's when it happened.
I looked in the mirror-
And had absolutely no clue what or  who  this reflection was.

Let me repeat- None!  No clue whatsoever!
I freaked out.
I knew it was a mirror.
But that wasn't me.
It couldn't be!
Who the fuck was that?
What happened?
Is this a trick?
How was I replaced with this. .this. .THING? !

I started touching my short dark brown hair,  that I had last remembered being dreadlocks,  my body was so much bigger, I looked older,  I looked bland. Pale.
No color.
No animation

This thing was me? ????
Couldn't be!
Can't be! !
Where am I? !
I want to be me again!
This isn't funny! !!!
What happened?!
Why why why

I tried to explain this to my family,  but no one understood,  or still understands.
It happened yesterday, you see?
And everyone thinks this will just go away and fix itself.
But it won't

I can't stand my reflection.
Because it isn't me.
This caging . This casing is A MISTAKE.

And I can't fix me.

cokehead is the correct spelling, autocorrect

from my past-

As I put my head out the window of the speeding bright green VW beetle, I saw flashing lights. I was really high on ecstasy and god knows what other small little magical pills I swallowed earlier that evening. The lights were all different beautitful colors- It thought to myself I've never seen something so beautiful before.

Probably a very common thought among "E heads".

It was all so amazing!! I felt so free!!

We stopped suddenly at a red light. Right beside us was a cop car.

The cops just looked at us with a glare.

My ( then) girlfriend hit the gas and we sped up practically racing the nearby police car- laughing our asses off!

Now before you go criticizing me being in a car with a girl just as high as me, driving.

Let me explain to you this- This girl could NOT drive for a second, sober-

She was terrible! HORRIBLE!

Her sister ( whom I dated as well) and I never got in the car when she was sober- we were afriad for our lives!

I remember these days.

There were several advantages to going out with a drug dealer.

She was a very petite little woman, with the face of Courtney Cox ( when she was young).

We smoked all the time, in the car, out of the car.

Did I mention she was also a cokehead?

Yeah- I at the time- was not.

Let me tell you this every single drug dealer I' ve ever met- and there have been lots!!!

Has at least one drug they will not touch. Because they felt it was beneath them to do so.

Take my ex- girl for example- she LOVED the shit out of coke, but would never ever smoke CRACK. But that was her biggest money maker- CRACK.

She looked down on crackheads, talking shit about them all the time, while she would sniff about eight lines of coke in one sitting.

This relationship- if you could call it that- didn't last long.

She did propose to me though, I even accepted at the time.

I couldn't say no- ever to anybody- at that time. So I accepted this antique diamond ring, as she got down on one knee proposing.

I accepted even though I knew I didn't love her.

I did not follow through. Thank goodness! I gave her back everything.

Mania is it's own drug.

Unhappy thoughts much?

Get these unhappy thoughts out of my head!
My hurt and pain coming up like vomit
It just keep boiling
Up and up and up
I feel out of control
Yet I know these are just thoughts
I am MORE THAN THIS
I am more than my pain and suffering.
I am more than just my body
My body is not a waste can.
I am worthy of more.
This darkness is all consuming
It offers nothing I want there.
I see beauty in my children's smiles yet feel separated by a door that I have created,  but I can open.
Why can I not open this DAMN FUCKING DOOR?!
This door to happiness  and completion?!
When it is my turn to get to the other side of my recovery??
Through this journey
Every time I think I'm almost at the finish line I'm THROWN back to the start, wobbling knees and shell shocked.
I want to stop these horrid thoughts.
Thoughts won't you stop.
You do me no good.
Happiness come find me down the road between pain and sorrow. I'll be waiting for you with open arms and when I see you ill come running, crying like a small child who thought she was lost but then was found

Facing my demons

Some days are a LOT harder than others.  Posting selfies is a lot harder than  it looks for people like me. Especially during certain dark times.
This #selflovebootcamp is kicking my assand has become a huge trigger for me and all my insecurities, my hurt and past traumas.
  I know though this is actually something I NEED TO FACE AND GO THROUGH its just extremely difficult. I admit I was starving myself again.  It was doing nothing to change my weight really,  since I have hashimotos disease, and am going through menopause ( due to a full hysterectomy and hormones not working), and medication, the list goes on, I'm mostly in a wheelchair.

I'm FORCING myself to EAT an apple right now and oatmeal this morning literally forced it down my throat.
Every time I think I've got this recovery thing down, it's tricked me.
And then I have to take a good hard look at myself and say is this what I want my kids to see???
And go through themselves? ??
I want them to be confident, strong, never doubt how beautiful  they are INSIDE and OUTSIDE!
Yet here I am, the hypocrite.
I'm crying several times a day.
Facing many of my demons-
Bipolar disorder
Body dysmorphia
Eating disorder
depression
anxiety
chronic illnesses
autism
adhd
mom
On and on

Trying to be the BEST MOMMY I CAN BE!
Pouring FROM THE MOST EMPTY CUP EVER!

I am facing my fears head  on and I am terrified.
But So glad I am doing this.
I am glad I'm forcing myself to eat.
And facing my "demons".

Are you going through something similar?

Listen to the beat

Sometimes you just need to let go of everything-not easy usually but when I can it's through music.
One of my coping mechanisms is music-listening,  singing,  and used to be dancing.
I'm trying to find my way back to the things I used to find joy in.
Creative things- painting,  drawing -I can't seem to have the attention span for these things yet.

Possibly I'll start gaming again.
My kids seem to want me to join in.

I'll watch movies sometimes.
But music is always the way to my soul.
It's houses memories, cries of sadness and joy.

So here's a pic of me rocking out on my couch, to go with this  random blog update to get me into the swing of things.

Where am I ???

Since I moved my whole world has turned upside down .
Most of it I don't remember.
It's like a fever dream-more like nightmare.

I've been stuck.

My body is ill.

My mind is better some minutes and worse others.

My children are happy.
My family is happy

I am watching my life pass by.
Like through distorted lenses I can't seem to see life clearly and I'm not quite a part of this world.

I feel so different than everyone.
There's no connection between me and the rest of the planet I so deeply want to connect but I cannot.

I'm the VOID.

Let's play super quick catch up- cuz I'm impatient

Since my last post in 2011-

 I had gave birth to my third child, a baby girl. She's  now going to be turning 5 in April. Her name is Lula

-after her birth I had severe Postpartum depression,  went into the institution  several times.

-As a last resort had E.C.T. (electroshock treatments) which were one of the worst decisions of my life.

- I suffered great poverty and had to move from NYC to NC  for my family's
Sake

-suffered many traumas during the move.

-had a possible stroke?

-basically lots of fun shit. Tons of fun. (Oodles and oodles of sarcasm!)

But really sooooo much more happened than these shitty cliff notes.

Now-let's play!

Smooches bitches!
I'm back.
And no one's ready for me.

Signed
Head bitch in charge.