Saturday, August 20, 2011

I gotta tell y'all something

Yep. You got it! I'm pregnant again. Nope, it wasn't a mistake. None of my pregnancies were.
I have two beautiful children. And I've had four miscarriages.
Not  everyone in my family knows this, but I guess they do now, huh?
One before Vivi. One after Vivi, before Lee, and two after Lee. I always wanted a big family. I love kids. I even wanted to be a foster mom. After having my kids, that proved a difficult task, because my kids needed lots of attention, even more so than "regular" kids (I put regular in quotes because I think this is funny, since I've never ever met one "regular" kid before in my life).
You all know my kids are autistic. Vivi also had a recent psychological evaluation and is now on the MR ( mental retardation) spectrum as well. She is "severely MR". No worries, she still has her PDD diagnosis and her symptoms go hand in hand with one another. This doesn't mean Vivi isn't smart, she's brilliant, but by whatever methods they test for these kinds of things, this was the answer they got. It doesn't affect me, my family, or Vivi. She's still the most awesome daughter ever, as far as we are all concerned. Lee as you all know has PDD as well. So my kids need extra attention otherwise they will kill each other, or themselves, they have no sense of danger or consequences- EVER!
Yes, so I'm adding another addition, another MOST FLY kid to the mix, of my lot.
Yes there is a chance my third will be autistic. But autism, isn't a "defect", or something to be cured in my book. It just makes my kid even more special and complex a person to me and my husband.
If found out I was pregnant two weeks ago, I wanted to share it with y'all right away but was too scared to say, because of all my previous miscarriages. But I wanted to talk about being pregnant and Bipolar at the same time. And what goes on daily, well at least for me.
Yesterday I was in the hospital, for over eight hours. I had contractions- yes, contractions, since the previous night. You all know I am TERRIFIED of hospitals, because I almost died after I had Lee, due to a severe infection. If it was possible, I would have liked to have all my kids, birthed at home, in water. Yeah, I'm a fucking hippie, or I'm just terrified and have become a germaphobe due to my previous experiences at hospitals. But I don't get to make this choice, because of all the complications I've had with all my pregnancies. Having miscarried four times. It's not an easy thing to talk about, believe me. But I do feel it's necessary to share these experiences with others. Let them know they are not alone, these horrible things do happen.
I was afraid I was losing my baby yesterday, it was very scary. So I decided to force myself to go to the hospital, despite my fears, so that my baby would be okay.
My baby is doing good. Except for the fact her heartbeat is very low. Yes, I said girl, I'm about 99.9% sure this one is a girl. How do I know this? I knew with both Lee and Vi what they would look like and what gender they were, before I even got pregnant with them. I'm a sensitive.
Just another weird fact about me.
I can usually pick words out of people's heads. I also dream of my future nightly. Like I said, just more weird and fun facts about me.
Her heartbeat is low, they said it might just be a technical problem with the ultrasound machine, but I don't agree. I saw the doctor's face as she told me. So I'm supposed to rest- A LOT. And take it easy.
I feel nauseous, in constant pain, like I have the flu- real bad.
My fibromyalgia doesn't help this fact.
My doctor took me off my bipolar medications, because they can contribute to birth defects, miscarriages, premature birth, etc. etc. etc.
Being pregnant does even out my moods a bit. If I wasn't pregnant there is NO WAY IN HELL I would be able to get off my medications. I'm definitely PRO-MEDICATION!!!!!
Don't ever ever ever get off your medications unless your doctor tells you so. PLEASE!!! For the love that is all good and holy!!!
Un-medicated Bipolars SCARE the SHIT OUTTA ME!
So I'm trying my best not to have an emotional, nervous breakdown.
Let see how that goes shall we?

I'll keep you all updated Bitches, ok?

Kisses Bitches,
Your main bipolar bitch!

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