Friday, August 26, 2011

It's such a good feeling

to know you're alive,
it's such a happy feeling... (the Mr. Roger's theme)

Please tell me you know this theme song, if not. Then I'm fucking old.

Anyways, I went to see my new doctor yesterday at the high-risk clinic.
Well, maybe I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to meet your doctor at the first visit and have a sonogram AT THE SAME OFFICE???

Or is that just the way it works in Manhattan????

It was so weird. I was at the clinic from 9:30 and didn't get to leave until 3 p.m.!
I didn't have a sonogram or met the doctor that will be delivering my baby when the time comes.
I waited over two hours just to have my blood taken!!!
What the friggity fuck!

Such a waste of time yesterday. Really.
They were nice there luckily.
Plus I heard the next time I go, the waiting time just to see the doctor can be 2 hours!
Man, I think I should just sign in and then take a look around the neighborhood or something and let them call me on my cell when it's time for me to actually get to see the doctor!
I have no patience you should all know this about me, by now.
A.D.H.D and bipolar have many similarities- one being  that I have no ability to freakin WAIT!

Maybe this is the Manhattanite in me? Fast paced and never stopping.

In September I'll finally get to see my baby, and meet my doctor.
Plus I'm getting genetic testing done, because when I tell doctors my family's medical history they start to panic. I don't, but they ALWAYS DO.

While getting my blood drawn, I overheard a young lady say she had an ectopic pregnancy (An ectopic pregnancy is a complication of pregnancy in which the embryo implants outside the uterine cavity.)     
I was sad to hear this, but I knew in my gut ( my instinct), she was going to be okay. I wanted to tell her this. But many do not take hearing this from a stranger, nicely. They always give me a look, like I'm crazy.  So I decided not to tell her, especially since she was with an asshole of a boyfriend.
My gut instincts are getting way better. I was able to tell a friend that she was going to have a baby girl, and not to worry about it being so difficult to get pregnant.
I'm not in denial anymore about my abilities.
It's nice to see the relief on a friends, or strangers face, when you tell them good news. Not false news, but good news, you know will come true, and that will make the person a lot happier to know.

A little over two months ago, my doctor lowered my thyroid medication. I told them it was a very bad idea. But they never listen to me.
That very week, I gained six pounds! By doing nothing different.
So you can understand how scared I was when I saw my weight gain yesterday.
OH, FUCK ME! This sucks fucking ass!!!
I gained A LOT!!! A lot a lot!
I've been so sick from the pregnancy I've been eating less than I used to and healthier.
This is bullshit!
I hope they up my dosage again, otherwise I'm gonna be obese by the end of this pregnancy. I'm not joking. Luckily, I will be able to take it all off afterwards, if not, then most of it ( I have twice before, I can do this again).
My main issue are the doctors. They don't believe me. They usually think I'm drinking from a chocolaty sodalicious fountain all day long, eating noting but fat injected crap.
Yeah, I went through this with my first doctor, when I was preggo with Vivi.
I started at 80 lbs. and went up to nearly 200lbs.
They never took into account that I was FUCKING 80 POUNDS before I started.
I'd been hospitalized twice for eating disorders. And they had continued to get worse.
My daughter saved my life. She taught me there's way more to life than just focusing on stupid weight.
And even though I feel way more confident in my body, and able to not be so superficial.
It bores me now when I talk to anorexics and bulimics. It also saddens me, that they don't see how ridiculous  it is to be obsessing over. It's all about feeling "in control" anyway.
Weight is just one way to feel in control of your life, when it's spinning fast out of control.

I just gotta deal with the whole massive weight gain issue, during this pregnancy and hope that afterwards, my baby and I are healthy and happy. That's the most I can ask for anyways. After having four miscarriages. I just want a full-term healthy baby after all this.

So, if you see me in the street all fat and pregnant, if you say anything about my weight or how big I've gotten, I have every right to punch you in your fucking face, you understand don't you?

Yeah, thanks for understanding,
You don't need a broke face anyway do you?

Kisses Bitches!
- Your main bitch.

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