My apartment hunting saga of 2010 continues

We found an apartment, one we all like. Big enough and with lots of sunshine!
Totally different from our hellhole of apartment we have now.
No daylight- and the whole place is falling apart on us.
Our current shitty building's new handyman- told us he's never seen an apartment so neglected by a landlord before. And that our landlord is the worst he's ever come across- and that's saying a lot.
We filled out all the applications- and it looked like everything was going well.
Till I got a call today from the broker asking me about our old housing court case.
I explained everything. How my kids and I have been ill consistently for over a year now due to the amount of mold on our ceiling, and all the other problems with the apartment that the landlord never had any intention of actually FIXING. He just wanted to paint OVER IT!
I even got a call from a painter TODAY- telling me he heard from "management" that we need painting done and some cabinets fixed.
I said "uhhh- WHAT?! We are moving at the end of November!"
He replied "Does the management know about this?"
"Uh- YEAH- they DO!"
"oh okay, I'll talk to management."
I told him "Nothing will be done in this apartment till we're gone. You got it?!"
"ok."

Are you serious?! Some painting and cabinet work? Oh my gosh they have no clue- well actually they do know what needs to be done in this apartment but they are TOO CHEAP and such freaking bastards- that they'll do nothing and let it be the person's (who buys this hellhole) problem.
Such pricks!!!

I took Levi to a new sensory gym this morning.
Now I've told several people including therapists- that he FREAKS out with change. He'll have a total meltdown - even when I'm pushing the stroller and I stop at a red light.
But they all think I'm exaggerating.
Well NOT ANYMORE!
I took Lee to the gym- the minute we entered the lobby- he freaked out started screaming at the top of his lungs!
His new occupational therapist (o.t. for short) was so surprised at Levi's reaction.
He asked me if something happened? I replied- "Yeah- I came here!"
The rest of the session- over an hour including waiting time in the lobby- he screamed the entire time!!!
Me oh MY!
And yesterday his physical therapist was spinning him in her arms really fast- instead of making him excited- like it does Violet (she LOVES spinning)- Levi FELL ASLEEP!
We were both shocked!!! We have never even heard of a kid doing this!!
Could YOU falling asleep SPINNING?????!!!!
I doubt it.
I told my mom-"Levi takes Autism to a whole new level!"
We both cracked up- I have to deal with all these things with a really really good sense of humor- otherwise I'd be crying every single day.

On another note- yesterday Dave and I had a talk.
He didn't like the way he's portrayed in my blog.
The talk ended with me crying-
I do speak the truth in my blog- just so you know- I don't sugar coat myself- I've always said I'm an asshole.
Second- know that any blog, or book from one person's point of view is always skewed.
The way YOU look at the world is completely different from the way another person views the world- every person's view is a very skewed one.

I understand the frustration Dave feels.
I do see where he's coming from.
I do complain a lot and argue a lot.
I feel bad about this, most times.

All this said- I explained to him-
I don't think he knows how much I believe in him.
For the record-
He is brilliant. He is a way better writer than I will ever be. I'm a hack- I've told you this.
He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known.
He's my best friend.
I feel he needs help- because the person I KNOW is inside him- the person I love spending time with, sharing my thoughts with, the person I married- is being taken over by "something else".
Someone that is angry most of the time, is anti-social and wants to sleep all the time- much like the way he describes me when I was full blown manic (except for the sleeping all the time)- "like there was a demon who had taken over the person he loved."
That is the same way I feel about him now.
If I didn't feel that way- that the Dave I love and care about is still in there- I wouldn't be here. Still trying to "fix" us.
The hope that we can get rid of this demon- and let the wonderful, kind, caring, loving, funny, brilliant Dave I know and love come through- is what keeps me going.

Sometimes I see this Dave shine through- sometimes it's at 3 o'clock in the morning. We will be talking and laughing and all I'll want is for this moment to last forever, while knowing in the back of my mind it won't last much longer. That feeling makes me sad.
But I have hope that things will change.
I do believe people can change- and change for the better.
I did.
He believed in me all along, stayed with me through thick and thin, forgave me for so much.

I pray we will get this new apartment,
-we will be healthy and not sick all the time anymore
-we will have money
-we will be happy
 -that any "evil" presence that is here now with us now in this hellhole- keeping us down, will no longer be with us and we can finally shine and have a great life.

Kisses Bitches doesn't seem appropriate right now for this blog- so instead-

God Bless you and I wish you an abundance of health, wealth, happiness and love always.


Oh and I pray I'll WIN THE LOTTERY!

*photo of a sensory room (not the one Violet or Lee goes to) It's like a big gymnastics room- fully padded.
Violet's school has one gym like this and ANOTHER with different lights, toys, and sounds - it's the most awesome place I've ever been- EVER!

Figured out something...

yesterday was really really shitty!
But it had it's moments.
I woke up early- after not really sleeping all night long- a daily occurrence sad to say.
Took a shower- which ended up being FREAKING COLD!
But I didn't let that get me in a bad mood just yet.
Levi had therapy in the morning.
I got dressed up- skirt, tights, button down shirt, brown fake leather "members only" jacket (don't hate!)and red cowboy boots- cuz that's how I roll.
Anywhoo-
I had gotten dressed up to go to the realty agents office- and meet them for the first time.
Turns out it wasn't very cold yesterday- kind warm.
Jacket was a BAD idea.
When I got to the skeazy building- I walked up a flight-
Saw what a shitty little freaking room this office was- and PACKED with agents, practically all sweating on top of each other.
The receptionist asked me if I was here for a job interview?
I took out my headphones- I thought I had misheard her. Nope- she thought I was there for a job.
I told her no, that I have an appointment with an agent to look for apartments.
She immediately told me to sign a contract!
Are you for REAL?!!!!
The contract was insane!!! I started sweating so badly- I don't know if it was just nerves, or my members only jacket or that it was insanely hot in that office- or everything put together.
I walked out. NOT signing a contract-
I learned a long time ago from modeling contracts it's REALLY easy to be fucked over.
I rushed home.
Then it was Violet's turn for therapy.
And I realized everything was going to change sooner rather than later- way before we even move.
We were going to lose all our kids' therapists- which have now become our good friends.
I felt like crying. Probably because the day wasn't going so well.
I've been calling my doctor for four days now- with no response.
Very frustrating.
Then I had to rush Violet to her sensory gym.
When we finally left the gym, I got a message from Dave asking me to pick up something WAY out of my way home.
ARGH!
I gave Violet while I was pushing her in the stroller- a blue sippy cup, a cracker and...a blue feather- she was content.
If you knew my daughter you'd understand why.
I got what Dave needed and headed on my way home finally- around six in the evening.
Violet was excited to be heading home so she was shaking her head and legs in the air on the way home-
shaking that blue feather proudly!
Yeah- My daughter is special- NO SURPRISE!
I laughed at people's reactions to her.
I got home, only to immediately have to cook dinner.
Dave and I got into an argument right before I had to cook dinner- not putting me in a good mood.
While everyone ate dinner- I had a sandwich- peanut butter and nutella- I didn't want the dinner after all.
Then headed for the shower again- I thought I could have maybe just maybe some minutes alone.
Thank goodness the hot water was back on!!!
I washed my hair- which is falling out at a greater pace-
And that's when I found it- another lump in my left breast.
I didn't even cry at this point- didn't shed one tear all day.
When I got out of the shower the kids were being put into their cribs and I had to figure out how to tell my family what I'd just found.
I had Dave feel it so that I knew I wasn't crazy.
He did- and was sad. Our argument had ended at that point.
I went into the living room to watch some T.V. with Dave, my sister and mom on the couch.
At the end of the show I finally told my mom-
she was upset.
I told her even though I'm very sad to lose all our therapists, I can't wait to get out of this toxic horrible apartment.
She agreed.

That was my day.

P.S. Sometime after 3a.m., both Dave and I were awake, and for some reason, he started whispering to me (see if you get it before I reach the end!): "I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn, listenin' for the telephone. But when I get your call, I'm all choked up. Can't believe you called my home. And as a matter of fact, it blows my mind you would even talk to me. Cuz a girl like you's like a dream come true. I'm livin' in ecstasy. No matter what your friends try to tell ya, we were meant to fall in love. And we will be together, any kinda weather. It's like that. It's like that!" He never got to say "every little step I take" because we were both cracking up by then. Bobby Brown.

Kisses Bitches! Every step I take MoFO!

Living

I feel like I'm living at the doctor's office nowadays. My kids are not well most of the time, as am I- so we know all the nurses and all the doctors at numerous offices now.

I'm on the phone with a doctor almost everyday- scheduling appointments and such.

Yesterday I took my daughter to the doctors, then came home and went to another doctor's appointment for myself.

I was running around yesterday all over town!

I'm still trying to schedule a sonogram for my daughter of her kidneys because the doctor feels she has a problem. I've faxed over AND emailed her referral for this damn sonogram multiple times- each time they say they never received it. Violet's doctor is on my back about scheduling this appointment because he's afraid of Violet having kidney failure. That's why she's on daily antibiotics- to keep her kidneys clean and healthy. Finally I just gave her doctor the fax number and phone number for him to do it himself. I thought maybe, just maybe he'd have better luck than me.

I like that I finally have a relationship with my kids' doctor. Before this doctor, we saw several doctors, all not remembering who the fuck we were most of the time.

This doctor has us on speed dial! And he actually listens to me and trusts me when I say something is wrong. Which most doctors tend not to believe.

Most days we have two doctors appointments to go to- for the exception of today- phew! Finally one day with no appointments other than my kids' therapies. Violet has been imitating more sounds lately, which is GREAT!

Last night Violet and Dave had a roaring contest! Obviously Dave won, but Violet came close!

It's so funny to hear Violet, my three year old daughter, roar! Both Levi and Violet have a new speech and physical therapist. I'm very excited about speech, because I'll be learning several new signs to do with both Lee and Vi. I've always wanted to learn sign language- especially since both my parents are hard of hearing- and we've all been making up our own sign language to communicate with each other for a long time now. It's pretty hilarious!

I started Violet with sign language when she was three months old, but it never took. She does a few signs now, but I'm hoping with this new therapist, Lee and Vi will learn how to communicate better. It's always a guessing game as to what they want- it'll be nice to have to guess less and know more. Besides all our financial and health woes- these are very exciting times. Violet has come a very long way- and is progressing very nicely. I can't wait to see Lee do the same.

Early Intervention has helped my family so very much- I will be forever grateful to them for all their help. Besides the therapists, our early intervention social worker is amazing. These wonderful people have become part of my family and they will always be welcome in my home.

Therapists are always stunned by me when we're in the playground with Violet. She can be a little aggressive with kids when she wants them to hurry up the stairs on down the slide- and the parents of the child my daughter just pushed always- I mean always- gives me a dirty, stank look. As if to say I can't control my child- to which I have now learned to matter of factly reply- "She's autistic, Okay?!". Instead of apologizing over and over again, because I know my daughter didn't mean any harm.

The look on the parents face is always priceless- because then they have no clue what to say to me- they don't know to say " I'm sorry to hear that" or "I understand" or "I have no idea what to say because I'm an asshole, and only see my child once a week and my child doesn't even call my mommy. So who am I to say anything to you about your parenting skills".

You know something like that. The therapists are always shocked because I say this without even blinking. I'm not embarrassed by any means of Violet being autistic, and I plan to raise her to never ever feel she should be ashamed of this. Actually I want her to be open and up front about it at all times. Fuck people's reactions. She's special, and a truly wonderfully sweet, kind , beautiful girl- that just so happens to be autistic. Which I feel makes her even more unique and even more lovable.

That's probably why I'm so upfront about myself being bipolar. It makes me...ME.

And totally unique in every way. Fuck people's thoughts, ideas or misconceptions- I learned a long long time ago, not to give a damn. And being more open about myself and made me more comfortable in my own skin. I want the same for my kids.

Anyways- that's my rant for the day.

Kisses to my special bitches!

*photo found on one of Dave's late night hunts for funny photos on the internet.