Monday, August 9, 2010

I need to feel NEEDED!

Right now, as I write this blog with one hand, the other is holding my son on my lap. He's cuddling with me. He doesn't care that I'm on the computer- he wants his "mommy time".
I always feel needed by him. When I'm cooking dinner he waits at the doorway gate for me.

It's important for me to feel needed. Without that feeling- I feel emtpy- like there's no purpose for me to exist.

I remember when Violet was born, Dave and my opinions differed on how to raise her. He wanted her to learn to soothe herself to sleep (which didn't work for many years- every baby is different) I argued that this wouldn't work (and I was right) but he was in "pyscho dad mode" at this point, and felt he knew everything. I felt that they didn't need me- that all Violet needed was her daddy. Did I mention I was suffering from major post-partem depression (depression after having a child). I didn't feel needed, and I was in a deep depression- truthfully I was really suicidal at that moment. Luckily I was able to pull through and feel needed again.

I know I'm needed by my family- since I run the house and such- but the feeling I get from Levi when all he wants is me- is priceless. There is no better feeling in my book.

Violet has always been closer with her daddy. Somedays I mind it, but most I'm fine with it.
She goes days without realizing I'm even here- I'll feel bad- and then the next day she'll look at me like "Mom!!! Where have you been?! I've been looking for you! So glad to see you!"
Yeah, that's kind of how her autism works. I'm not her one and only- and that's okay.

But for Levi- I am his one and only- I make his world go round- and that makes me feel great. So what if he's a mama's boy right now- he's only a year old and I know this is a phase- so I'm sucking it all up while I still can! Every minute of it!!! Sometimes he'll have a hard time going to sleep, so I'll rock him in my arms and he'll be at peace. I tell both my kids, I love them more than everything or anything. More than the moon, the stars, the sky, the tress, the flowers- even breathing. They are my everything. And even though I may not be my daughter's everything- I know when she's scared or gets hurt I'm the one she runs to- and that means everything to me.

I'm scared of the day- they don't need me anymore- well not really scared- I'm just not looking forward to it at the very least.
I need to feel needed- that's just me. And maybe the need I feel seems ridiculous to you- but it's what gets me through the long hard days.

The hugs and kisses- the waiting for me by the doorway gate, the crying when I leave, the excitement when I walk in through the front door- thats what makes me the happiest mom of all.
Thanks for listening:)
* photo of my son on the swings- happy as can be.

No comments:

Post a Comment