News!

I have an appointment with a brand new heart doctor, Feb. 1st, and he specializes in the area of cardiology, I need!! Woohoo!
I saw a photo of him, he creeps me out a bit.
Then again, all doctors at this point and time give me the creeps.
I was looking for a female doctor- but with no luck.
So I swallowed my fear...pushed it way way way down- deep deep deep inside.
Hopefully I won't freak out in the office.
I noticed recently that I start getting really really irritated right before- my heart starts acting up.
Now I know what you're going to say- no it's not my temper that's creating the heart problems.
I feel like it's my only warning sign- that I need to sit down.
I'm thankful that there is a warning sign.
Now this of course doesn't happen, when it wakes me up in the middle of the night, or when I'm relaxing in a bath- it comes on when it wants- wherever it FUCKING wants.
But I notice- if I'm say cooking breakfast and washing the dishes (at the same time), while straightening up the kitchen...(Like I did this VERY MORNING)
and I start getting angry out of nowhere- really really upset- furious even-
When I have time to think, hey what exactly am I angry about???
My heart will start to beat irregular- or suddenly stop.
I won't be able to breathe very well- or even comfortably.
Just then I realized that my anger- was a sign.
Of course when I get upset my heart will start racing.
Like this morning- when my dad decided to have a ridiculous argument with me about recycling boxes!
He wanted to throw them out- and all I wanted to do was CUT THEM UP first!
But he started freaking out and screaming- leading to me screaming at how fucking insane he is.
Then screaming at my mom, because she just let him scream and curse everyone out.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. SO MUCH.
And that's probably a huge reason why I get angry that she lets him treat her like crap.
He just an angry child!
And I still love him- because he's my father. ARGH!
Sometimes I wish I could just let go of my love for him and give up on him.
But I can't.
FUCK!
I spent about 5 hours cleaning the house, washing, sweeping, throwing out the garbage, scrubbing, etc etc etc.
That's how I deal with my anger.
Though this time- if ever, hopefully not, I have a near fatal heart attack- I WILL GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
I know, this will relieve a lot of my friends, who care about me. And THANK YOU for your concern. I LOVE you all.
I realized I was being ridiculous. My fear of hospitals IS BASED on near-death experiences- but I could totally understand if my kids never forgave me for not going to the hospital, if I ended up dying here in our home.
I hear recently that someone I (kinda) knew- or at least knew about- died on the way to the hospital, after being sick for quite awhile.

I won't let that happen to me.
At least I will try.
This morning's little heart issue- went away- and wasn't at all a big deal, compared to a few days ago.

That night- I just laid in bed, I don't plan on dying with regrets.
I used to regret everything I did when I was manic, and have nightmares, and beat myself up about it.
Not as much now. It made me who I am.

But if I had died that day, I realized I would regret not having written my book.
And not having told my kids, the life I lead, the experiences- good and bad- that happened to me.
I want them to know all about me- and have that book to go to- if and when I pass away.

I'm going to write my damn book already, even if I'm writing in a hospital bed!
This I swear not to you- but to myself- for myself.

That being said-
I'll sign off now.
Kisses Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember NO REGRETS!!!

*photo of me when I was about 2 years old.
I plan on having lots of photos on my book!!! This might be one of them.
I feel photos help tell a story- plus I'm a very visual person.

So many new things to tell you!!!

We've reintroduced gluten to my daughter's diet- just a little-because her nutritionist suggested we do this. Violet is a "problem feeder" She's extremely picky and can go for days without eating or drinking- which can be a bit of a problem.

Dave and I were so scared that she would regress, and stop imitating sounds and such- but we were happily surprised. She's doing great!!! And yes- she is a bit more hyperactive- but she's happy- and REALLY REALLY FAST! She can out-run anyone, anytime, anywhere!

We had such a busy week. We took her to the sprinklers, the playground, the sensory gym. She's so funny! She's been trying new foods!

I was eating corn on the cob the other night- and she saw it- and STOLE IT! She ran to her table and started chomping down on it! It was so funny! She ended up eating 3 of them!

Then later that night, we gave her a bath- and she wanted out because she heard her favorite movie on the T.V. ( cloudy with a chance of meatballs) Dave asked her if she wanted to come out of the bath- she shot up out of the water yelled in her sweet little girl voice "Si!" I guess she's picking up Spanish from her friends at school. I better learn some Spanish already huh? Sucks that Dave's such a horrible teacher! I better use some Rosetta Stone, huh?

She's been affectionate to me- hugging me and sitting on my lap- this makes me so very happy!

I'm always thinking of my next blog entry- which makes me think I'm getting closer and closer to sitting down and writing my book. I need courage to sit down and write this thing- well that and spare time. I know certain family members will be angry with me- and I have to kind of...not give a damn. Which is difficult for me. There's so much I want to share with you guys- but like I've said before a blog isn't the place.

I also feel maybe when I get all the bad and good memories out of my head and onto paper maybe I'll be able to finally move on. Some of the memories haunt me at night. Sometimes I long for the days- after I had my seizures- where I didn't remember anything. Where all the bad things I've done were erased from my mind. Dave and me had to start from scratch- because I didn't remember our relationship- or anything that came before that moment.

I still can't remember a lot of faces from my past- Exes, old friends. If I were to see them on the street, I wouldn't notice. People think I'm being rude- but it's nothing like that- there's just certain parts of my brain- that don't put two and two together -such as faces from my past.

So don't take it personally if I don't recognize you. In fact, if we were cool, you should say hi to me. If we weren't, well...then it's probably a good idea I don't remember you, huh?

I remember when my memories started to come back. I would lay awake crying- in disbelief that was me that did such things- put myself in those situations.

It was very difficult for me to deal with. It's taken many years for me to get to this point where I can share such things. It's still difficult at times though.

Plus- I've never imagined myself to be a writer. Dave is the writer- he's an amazing writer- and knows just about everything there is to know about the English language. He's brilliant. He's the writer, just like my sister's the artist. I don't ever think I have what it takes to compete with them- since they are the experts.

I feel I'm a hack when it comes to writing. I just write the way I think.

My book will probably be criticized a lot for such amateur writing.

My hopes for my book, is that it helps some bipolars out there- that feel alone and that no one understands what they're going through. That not every bipolar- has a sad ending- and it's possible to have a happy and long life. Well that's my hopes- that's all.

Kisses Bitches- and always thanks for listening to my dumbass self:)

*old funny photo of Violet when she was less than a year old- too cute, right?