Saturday, August 28, 2010

Mad as a hatter

Yesterday, I went to two doctor appointments. One- I got blood taken yet again. This time- it didn't go so well. The nurse did it wrong- surprise surprise- and my vein started swelling up and turning black and blue- fun right? Yeah, not so much- it was really painful- plus it was my right arm- the one that was in the most pain to begin with. The doctor thinks I have Rheumatoid arthritis. Oh joy. Sounds about right though. So that arm is shot to hell. Then after I suggest to her- to start taking blood from the other arm- since it had been over ten minutes of me swelling up and had only filled three vials of blood with still six more to go. I finally told her- it was painful- and only then did she give up on that vein and take from the other arm. The other arm, the blood came easily- much to my relief.
So I walked out of the doctor's office with both arms in band aids. Everyone I passed on the walk home looked at me with pity- like, you poor sick sick girl.
My right arm is in a lot of pain, the swelling of the vein went down- but it still hurts like a bitch.
Then later I had a dermatologist appointment. The whole day I felt like I should cancel- but I told myself- to go through with it already and get it over with already.
I should have listened to my instincts. When I arrived, there must have been over twenty people in the waiting office! I filled out papers with my messed up right arm.
Then I overheard the receptionist tell a patient it'd be over two hours waiting time. That's when I decided to reschedule for another date.
My bones are killing me- but I figure if this is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life- I might as well get used to it, right?
Did I mention I'm on a new medication?
When I went to the doctor on Thursday- he told me my thyroid was really low. So besides my other thyroid medication, he added another one to my daily intake.
Now I have to take the first thyroid med when I wake up, wait a half hour, then take the next one, then wait a half hour, then eventually eat.
It's a pain in the freaking ass!
I had a routine before- every morning wake up, make coffee, eat breakfast- then deal with the day's disasters.
Now It's all screwy. And without me going directly to coffee I might smash and break things in the house. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm apparently Dr. Seuss!
But you get what I'm saying. I'm not used to this medication yet. And I have no idea what to do with myself in the morning if I can't eat right away. So I've been tired, and cranky- and taking a shower freaking early in the morning, instead of later on in the day.
Levi can sense when I'm down or upset, he'll snuggle with me and it does make me feel better, but then somebody will do something stupid and I'll forget any happiness I had just experienced.
I'm BORED! Not in the sense that my LIFE is boring- because it's really nothing of the sort.
I want to go places. The beach, a pool, even a freaking museum, something for goodness sakes.
It's usually just Kayla and me and the kids during the day. And with this pain, it makes pushing the big rocket sized stroller a bit difficult, to say the least.
I'm very thankful for Vi and Lee's therapists-it gives the kids things to do, and they learn a lot. But when the weekend comes- it's kind of lonely.
Yeah sure I take them to the playground- but Violet needs WAY more than only one person running after her- she needs a team of people! She's quick and she uncoordinated- and falls ALL the time. Her physical therapist is working on this with her- but she has a long way to go before I let her just run around without me being scared shitless.
Dave sleeps most of the day, to my despair. Then at night, I get tired early because it very difficult to sleep through the night in pain. I'm reminded of my pain frequently during the night, so I'm tossing and turning, and in lots of pain.
I don't even bother with Advil or Tylenol- because it doesn't make a dent in the pain whatsoever.
I'm frustrated, sad and angry. All I want to do is cry- but of course I won't- because as you all know- I don't LIKE to cry- ever.
I guess I'd say I'm depressed- and that would be putting it lightly.
Hopefully I'll figure out something we can do today. And not just walk around while I push an enormous stroller around in pain.
There's so many different things going on at once in my life right now- that are out of my control. I have to realize I can't "fix" people- in my life right now- or maybe ever.
Have you ever been so upset- but had nothing to get out your frustration on. I can't scream or break anything. It's just all bottled up inside me about to burst!
I guess I'll just push that anger further down- way down, right? What other options do I have?
Man, I wish I had a screaming tree ( a tree that takes all your anger and abuse out on) but then I'd feel bad for the what THEN?!
Sorry for the long angry rant.

Kisses Bitches! Hope your weekend is TONS better than mine!

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