I've learned that if they ever do this again- at the same time I will fucking LOSE IT!
The mornings are very difficult for Dave, as you all know. He's quite...well...bat shit fucking crazy in the morning. And this morning I was afraid he was going to pass out on the freaking floor.
It was scary.
Plus both my kids have been acting so freaking nuts this weekend- Levi has been crying all the time- and Violet hasn't been herself either. I really don't know what's wrong exactly- but I was positive I could not handle them by myself this morning. When Levi gets upset he throws himself to the floor- head first! Yeah- he's a head banger and Violet is a trouble maker- this weekend has been total chaos.
The only way I have a few minutes to write this blog entry is because my son finally passed out in the crib after hours and hours of crying and head banging.
I almost cried myself- I was so frustrated. And Dave was really not his old cheery self this morning- or any morning to be exact.
We've been arguing most of this weekend.
I've been feeling self-conscious for awhile now- for several reasons. One being Dave hasn't been wanting to be intimate with me, and was coming up with excuse after excuse.
I started thinking it was me- I was the problem- maybe he wasn't attracted to me anymore- or maybe I wasn't good in bed anymore- it was really bothering me.
Since everyone was away last night, we thought here's our chance- well it didn't work out the way we planned.
Before I go any further- just wanted you all to know- it was Dave's idea I write about this. He loves my honesty in my writing and he felt it was important for me to share- otherwise I would never write about this.
We started getting intimate and then things just got worse. I started to be in pain- I have no clue why- yet another reason to see a doctor- and then Dave ummm..how do I put this...couldn't finish. So I started crying- yeah- because I thought it was me and these feelings have just been piling up. Dave assured me- that it wasn't me- and then asked me why I automatically thought it was my fault and not his?
But he knew why- I'm always putting myself down and I always feel I'm the problem.
We talked for a long long time. And he decided that he has to go to the doctor, because he hasn't been in the mood for awhile now- and he wants to know what's causing it. It might be his weight, it might be his blood pressure medication, we don't know.
Dave was insane with the kids, when he's sleep deprived and angry- especially in the mornings- I always dread the mornings.
So I told him today- maybe we shouldn't have anymore babies.
We argued- Dave definitely wants more children and I LOVE kids but this is out of hand- dealing with two special needs kids- and a rage filled husband, at times- well it's overwhelming most of the time. And I kind of feel alone because almost all my friends can't understand what I'm going through. They don't have kids with special needs- they don't understand autism at all- besides my life is a ton more complicated than just having two kids- there's a lot more to my life than just that.
I'm sad- overwhelmed by everything- frustrated I can't fix everything right away.
I'm also dreading going to the doctor again.
Like I said- it's been a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE WEEKEND.
I think more than anyone right now on the fucking planet, I NEED a vacation!
But since that's not happening anytime soon- I'll just cry myself to sleep- eventually. Maybe tonight, perhaps?
Peace out Bitches!