Depressing

Woke up this morning after having nightmares. These nightmares- are reoccurring.

A few days ago, in my dream, I saw a baby with blond curly hair fall out of a window of a building I've never ever seen before, while the baby's parents were distracted. I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance- I remember being traumatized in my dream- the baby turned out to be fine somehow.

Again, last night I saw the same baby about to fall out of a window of the same building from the previous dream- I was telling everyone around me, that I saw this happen in a dream and they have to help me save this child. I end up saving the child-only to flash forward in my dream to the same child a little older- his grandmother had died in his apartment, and she was his last remaining relative, he decided later that day to commit suicide.

Yeahhhhhhhh- this was a really fucked up dream- ask me what it means? I have no clue. When I woke up Lee started crying- I went to his crib and he was still crying- which is very unusual for him, he usually smiles when he sees me- so I knew something was wrong- he was burning up with a high fever. He was shaking. I put him in a cool bath immediately with me- to help cool him down. He was really out of it- but slowly his temperature cooled down.

The rest of my day didn't go that much better.

I waited in the doctor's office for almost two hours- just for a two minute visit- the doctor told me nothing I didn't know before- keep treating the fever. The doctor has no clue- yet again- why my children are getting these high fevers every month.

I was depressed all day. I haven't been feeling well- nauseous and whatnot- so I took a cheap pregnancy test ( from the dollar store- don't put it down, it WORKS!), it turned out negative of course. I don't what what I was expecting after all.

I've been reading all these articles about infertility and babies. One article talked about wealthy parents that went through invitro and ended up pregnant with twins. Apparently the father didn't want twins so they basically aborted one while in the first trimester. I was so horrified reading this! I would never ever do that no matter what-that's scary! Even if I were pregnant with 6 babies- I would have and love and be thankful for those 6 babies. Some people are horrible parents- why do they get kids? And meanwhile people judge me, for wanting more children-because I am poor. I feel I'm a way better parent than most of the wealthy families around here who treat their kids like accessories.

I see pregnant women everywhere I go. Sometimes even though a woman has had a child in the past, doesn't necessarily mean she'll have a second, or third. It's just not a given anymore.

So I had to realize this might take a really long time. And thinking that really got me down.

Then in Duane Reade I saw a 7 month old little girl, and started talking with the babies parents. The baby was smiling at me and I was talking and giggling with the little girl. The dad said to me, "Wow, you certainly know your way around babies!" I said while smiling from ear to ear "Yeah well... I do have two of my own."

That made me feel so good. Seeing the little girl smile and laugh- reminding me how much I want more kids, and how very much I love the ones I have. I know I'm most definitely blessed with the ones I have- I just want more- I'm probably just greedy that way;)

I love kids, what can I say?

So I'm still depressed a bit...well more than a bit..but I just snuggle up with Levi and Violet and they make me feel so much better.

Thanks for listening.... bitches.

*beautiful photo I foundon the net- makes me smile. Hope it makes you smile too.