News!

I have an appointment with a brand new heart doctor, Feb. 1st, and he specializes in the area of cardiology, I need!! Woohoo!
I saw a photo of him, he creeps me out a bit.
Then again, all doctors at this point and time give me the creeps.
I was looking for a female doctor- but with no luck.
So I swallowed my fear...pushed it way way way down- deep deep deep inside.
Hopefully I won't freak out in the office.
I noticed recently that I start getting really really irritated right before- my heart starts acting up.
Now I know what you're going to say- no it's not my temper that's creating the heart problems.
I feel like it's my only warning sign- that I need to sit down.
I'm thankful that there is a warning sign.
Now this of course doesn't happen, when it wakes me up in the middle of the night, or when I'm relaxing in a bath- it comes on when it wants- wherever it FUCKING wants.
But I notice- if I'm say cooking breakfast and washing the dishes (at the same time), while straightening up the kitchen...(Like I did this VERY MORNING)
and I start getting angry out of nowhere- really really upset- furious even-
When I have time to think, hey what exactly am I angry about???
My heart will start to beat irregular- or suddenly stop.
I won't be able to breathe very well- or even comfortably.
Just then I realized that my anger- was a sign.
Of course when I get upset my heart will start racing.
Like this morning- when my dad decided to have a ridiculous argument with me about recycling boxes!
He wanted to throw them out- and all I wanted to do was CUT THEM UP first!
But he started freaking out and screaming- leading to me screaming at how fucking insane he is.
Then screaming at my mom, because she just let him scream and curse everyone out.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. SO MUCH.
And that's probably a huge reason why I get angry that she lets him treat her like crap.
He just an angry child!
And I still love him- because he's my father. ARGH!
Sometimes I wish I could just let go of my love for him and give up on him.
But I can't.
FUCK!
I spent about 5 hours cleaning the house, washing, sweeping, throwing out the garbage, scrubbing, etc etc etc.
That's how I deal with my anger.
Though this time- if ever, hopefully not, I have a near fatal heart attack- I WILL GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
I know, this will relieve a lot of my friends, who care about me. And THANK YOU for your concern. I LOVE you all.
I realized I was being ridiculous. My fear of hospitals IS BASED on near-death experiences- but I could totally understand if my kids never forgave me for not going to the hospital, if I ended up dying here in our home.
I hear recently that someone I (kinda) knew- or at least knew about- died on the way to the hospital, after being sick for quite awhile.

I won't let that happen to me.
At least I will try.
This morning's little heart issue- went away- and wasn't at all a big deal, compared to a few days ago.

That night- I just laid in bed, I don't plan on dying with regrets.
I used to regret everything I did when I was manic, and have nightmares, and beat myself up about it.
Not as much now. It made me who I am.

But if I had died that day, I realized I would regret not having written my book.
And not having told my kids, the life I lead, the experiences- good and bad- that happened to me.
I want them to know all about me- and have that book to go to- if and when I pass away.

I'm going to write my damn book already, even if I'm writing in a hospital bed!
This I swear not to you- but to myself- for myself.

That being said-
I'll sign off now.
Kisses Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember NO REGRETS!!!

*photo of me when I was about 2 years old.
I plan on having lots of photos on my book!!! This might be one of them.
I feel photos help tell a story- plus I'm a very visual person.

Broken.

I'm still continuing to write my book- which means sometimes I write a page in my book, instead of blogging- some rare times I have time to write both.
Yesterday was a bit odd.
I've been really depressed lately- actually more numb than feeling sad.
I dislike everything about myself at the moment.
I hope this feeling will pass soon.
Do you ever feel like that?
You hate...this and that about yourself..and wish that you could change ________ (fill in the blank).
Yeah- that's me at the moment.
I was trying on some of my clothes yesterday- disliking everything I tried. Especially this one tight shirt- Dave was there and he liked it- I said to him, the little pouch I have of a stomach I don't like showing- to which he responded-
"You have given birth to two kids- that's probably never gonna go away."
I felt defeated- "What do you mean it'll never go away?"
Something I already knew- but didn't want to hear.
Dave didn't mean anything mean by saying it, obviously.
This spiraled me downward- to start looking at old photos of myself and the taut beautiful stomach I used to have. Yes- I was like 80 lbs- and most people, including Dave thought I looked scary- and yes- I agree with them- but I still look on those days semi-fondly.
Yeah- I should totally be careful at this moment not to go all crazy starving again. Plus I don't have the patience for that anymore- I like food too much and I cook all the time because I'm good at it.
Do you ever have this moment where you realize how broken you are?
I see girls on the street and right away can tell if they are "broken" or not.
You know the ones you can sense have a million and one issues- including daddy issues- yeah I can't stand I'm one of them. Even though I clearly am one of them.
Ewww! It's gross!
I don't want to be broken- I guess being bipolar- automatically means I broken in several ways, right?
And if you're bipolar and reading this right now- thinking you're not broken...I beg to differ.
I miss so many things- probably too many to list.
Of course- being thin, having long hair ( man, I wish it hadn't fall out last spring! ), being able to wear whatever I want without feeling awkward, feeling passionate, feeling something other than numb, photographing my beautiful friends, being happy, the list goes on and on like I said.
So yesterday when I was feeling so down about myself-
That's when every stranger decided to hit on me strangely enough, while I was buying groceries with my kids- pushing a ridiculously large heavy double stroller, sweating my ass off.
A guy handing out fliers told me that he'll be waiting for me at the new store.
That made me laugh so hard.
An old guy at the supermarket decided to help me find the food I was looking for, move everything out of the way- and told me-" It was my pleasure- anytime you need me." With this sleazy old man grin and a wink.
Strange yet again.
I think men can smell- defeat- not their own defeat- but the smell of a woman feeling defeated about herself- they must think this is their chance, right?
It's like when a guy's at a bar and he sees a girl already drunk- I'm guessing something like that?
And when my book if finally done- you'll get to see why I'm so broken- in so many different ways. Broken, broken, broken.
I think to myself what my kids are going to think of me- when they eventually read this book.
It could be really bad- and go back and forth thinking if this is a good idea or not.
I'm not going to sugar coat myself- I'm obviously not perfect- more like so far from it- I can't even see the word perfect anymore.
But I will make this book as funny as possible- every mistake I've ever made- I've found humor in it.
Even in all my sexual experiences- there's a lot of humor in that for sure!
I showed my sister a chapter I wrote- she was shocked! And laughed her ass off.
That's the reaction I want- not so much the shocked part- but the laughing part most definitely.
Not to say every single thing I'll be writing about is funny.
Certain parts- might get...a negative reaction- actually I'm going to take out- the "might" part.
I know better.
Some family members came over yesterday, and while talking, I realized they never knew I smoked cigarettes- not often- just sometimes, around certain people.
Really out of everything I've ever done- this is probably the most benign- not saying smoking cigarettes isn't a bad thing- but really- compared...to EVERYTHING- that's not a big deal.
They seemed shocked when I said this- which made me think- man, I hope they never ever read my book...like ever ever- you know?
Anyways- sorry for rambling- I write the way I think, pardon me.

Kisses -you bipolar Bitches!

*the artwork is by one of the most talented photographer/artists of all kinds of media- including music- of all time- my great friend-
Anna Fleshler ( https://annafleshler.com/ARTWoRK.php) - Her music page - http://www.neaphyte.com/

The body is mine- actually not at my lowest weight- I got much thinner than this, at my lowest point of my eating disorder)

Started writing my book.

I had Dave and my mom read an excerpt from the book I started writing the other day.
Both weren't too happy.

And that part was TAME!

Dave loved the writing but it reminded him of me when I was manic- not his favorite times that's for sure.
My mom wasn't too pleased either.
So from now on- family doesn't get to read my writing- except my sister- who doesn't judge me, no matter what I do or say.
I was at an all time low last night. Everyone knew it, because I was really quiet- and if you know me, I'm never ever quiet.
I was numb- no anger, or sadness, just emptiness.
I decided to go to sleep early last night- I hadn't anything better to do.
There are so many thoughts going through my head.
Worries, frustrations-
So I took all those emotions- and decided to clean the entire fucking house this morning.

I had enough!!!

I saw a bug this morning while making myself coffee. I hadn't seen a bug here in nearly ten years!!!
I'm such a freaking girl when it comes to bugs and rodents!
So I cleaned the whole house, mopped, swept, wiped- you name it.
All while listening to music, blaring through my headphones.
Music is my way to get away from everything and everyone.
Afterwards I showered and got dressed. The kids were getting restless and so was I.
Dave and my dad slept the entire time I spent cleaning.
Dave asked me- "Wouldn't you rather chill than go outside?"
To which I replied "Have I ever just chilled and relaxed????"
It's been a long fucking while- plus it's hard for me to just sit back and relax with kids that are anxious to get outside and do something.
I got my blood test results in the mail- not in detail- just telling me what I already know- they were abnormal and I need to see an endocrinologist soon.
DUH!

I'm emotionally exhausted.
I might have to go back on Geodon, after slowly going through withdrawal from not taking it.
I've been off of it for awhile now- I see that might have to change.
I feel more lonely than anything.
Ever with all my family around.
I have all these internal thoughts and feelings- that I don't feel the need to share with anyone.
In a house full of people- I'm still alone.
I might post the excerpt later this week.
I think it shows my sense of humor while still talking about a serious subject matter.
Would you read a book filled with real stories about sex with both genders, drugs, hospitalizations, eating disorders, near death experiences ( the list goes on and on)?

Lemme know.

Kisses Bitches!

*photo of me need deep in mania- yes I am actually sitting in the middle of a busy street with cars coming. The photo was taken by a brilliant fashion photographer, my dear old friend Udo. I have many fond memories of talking dirty to him, in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. It would crack us both up.

So many new things to tell you!!!

We've reintroduced gluten to my daughter's diet- just a little-because her nutritionist suggested we do this. Violet is a "problem feeder" She's extremely picky and can go for days without eating or drinking- which can be a bit of a problem.

Dave and I were so scared that she would regress, and stop imitating sounds and such- but we were happily surprised. She's doing great!!! And yes- she is a bit more hyperactive- but she's happy- and REALLY REALLY FAST! She can out-run anyone, anytime, anywhere!

We had such a busy week. We took her to the sprinklers, the playground, the sensory gym. She's so funny! She's been trying new foods!

I was eating corn on the cob the other night- and she saw it- and STOLE IT! She ran to her table and started chomping down on it! It was so funny! She ended up eating 3 of them!

Then later that night, we gave her a bath- and she wanted out because she heard her favorite movie on the T.V. ( cloudy with a chance of meatballs) Dave asked her if she wanted to come out of the bath- she shot up out of the water yelled in her sweet little girl voice "Si!" I guess she's picking up Spanish from her friends at school. I better learn some Spanish already huh? Sucks that Dave's such a horrible teacher! I better use some Rosetta Stone, huh?

She's been affectionate to me- hugging me and sitting on my lap- this makes me so very happy!

I'm always thinking of my next blog entry- which makes me think I'm getting closer and closer to sitting down and writing my book. I need courage to sit down and write this thing- well that and spare time. I know certain family members will be angry with me- and I have to kind of...not give a damn. Which is difficult for me. There's so much I want to share with you guys- but like I've said before a blog isn't the place.

I also feel maybe when I get all the bad and good memories out of my head and onto paper maybe I'll be able to finally move on. Some of the memories haunt me at night. Sometimes I long for the days- after I had my seizures- where I didn't remember anything. Where all the bad things I've done were erased from my mind. Dave and me had to start from scratch- because I didn't remember our relationship- or anything that came before that moment.

I still can't remember a lot of faces from my past- Exes, old friends. If I were to see them on the street, I wouldn't notice. People think I'm being rude- but it's nothing like that- there's just certain parts of my brain- that don't put two and two together -such as faces from my past.

So don't take it personally if I don't recognize you. In fact, if we were cool, you should say hi to me. If we weren't, well...then it's probably a good idea I don't remember you, huh?

I remember when my memories started to come back. I would lay awake crying- in disbelief that was me that did such things- put myself in those situations.

It was very difficult for me to deal with. It's taken many years for me to get to this point where I can share such things. It's still difficult at times though.

Plus- I've never imagined myself to be a writer. Dave is the writer- he's an amazing writer- and knows just about everything there is to know about the English language. He's brilliant. He's the writer, just like my sister's the artist. I don't ever think I have what it takes to compete with them- since they are the experts.

I feel I'm a hack when it comes to writing. I just write the way I think.

My book will probably be criticized a lot for such amateur writing.

My hopes for my book, is that it helps some bipolars out there- that feel alone and that no one understands what they're going through. That not every bipolar- has a sad ending- and it's possible to have a happy and long life. Well that's my hopes- that's all.

Kisses Bitches- and always thanks for listening to my dumbass self:)

*old funny photo of Violet when she was less than a year old- too cute, right?

Went to A heart doctor today...

But he wasn't THE doctor I was hoping he'd be.
He didn't even ask me my family history or which medications I'm taking.
You know when you have this funny feeling that the person you've met gets an idea of who you are- and what you're about the minute they meet you- and nothing can derail their thoughts???
Well this was that moment. I'm so ticked!!!
Medicaid doctors SUCK ASS! Man what I would give for some good insurance to go to some REAL doctors. REALLY good doctors that is. You know ones that ask questions and ACTUALLY check you out!
Dear God!!! What the fuck- and I waited an hour and a half to hear what??? BULLSHIT! that's what. Nothing- he said "he wished he could help me". Are you serious?!
I knew no matter what I said, he wouldn't change his mind. FUCK DOCTORS!!!
Sorry for the rant- but this is majorly frustrating.
I didn't let it ruin my whole day though. Afterwards I went to H&M on 5th avenue.
What a MAD HOUSE!!! Crying babies, and crazy scary skinny white women running amok- like the place was closing or something. And I went in the afternoon!
I hate crowds- I really do. And you wonder why I live in New York? Because I got no where else to go. That's why.
I got myself a cheap cute hat ( I'm a hat FREAK), and a Sergent Pepper jacket ( on sale). Oh yeah and a $1.50 pair of 80's style doorknockers. If you don't know what doorknockers are- you're missing out. My ghetto fabulous queens out there know what I'm talking about.
I've had several friends and family members mention that they think I should write a book.
Now I've been thinking about this for a very long time now. I don't write fiction- I only write about what I know- my life experiences.
Now in my blog- I'm tame. Seriously. I know it's hard to believe- but believe me it's TAME. Especially compared to all that I've experienced in life. If I were to finally decided to write my book, it's be juicy- very juicy. And that's why I haven't decided for sure that I'm going to write it. Because I know many people that would be upset about what I write. Not many family members want me to put everything out there. I'm afraid some family members and friends would never forgive me, maybe not even Dave. It's kind of a scary thought. I would not write this book to purposely hurt anyone but if I'm going to write a book- it's going to be the real deal- raw, naked and the whole truth- there's no point to me doing this halfway. I need to go all out.
I mean what sells right? Sex, drugs, addiction- the whole shabang. And my book would have all of that.
I know a lot of my family would be embarrassed and ashamed of the things I've done- I know my mom already is- but she deals with it. And I understand why. I'm her little girl no matter how old I get. So I don't blame her.
The book would definitely be called The Bipolar Bible- for sure.
So maybe I'll start it- little by little- there's so many stories running through my mind- it's hard to write them down quick enough. HELLO RACING THOUGHTS!!!!!!! BIPOLAR!
If I could finished this whole huge project- from start to finish- man, that'd be amazing.

Kisses my beautiful, sexy bitches!!!