Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I HATE everything-

Okay- that's not completely true.

But do you ever have days like that?!

I know I had that yesterday. I wasn't hating on other people or anything- just myself. I have been depressed lately- the low points of being bipolar- these things happen I know- but I fight it the whole way.

I took Vi and Lee to the playground yesterday with Violet's therapist and I had a great time. Like everything I do with the kiddios, I HAVE to take photos. Luckily I got a great deal on a lens for my favorite camera on eBay- since my back-up camera is dying- I wasn't left with any choice. But I'm very happy to have my fave camera back and running. It's a little beat up, but it still works- thank goodness.
I also had Kayla take some photos of Lee and me.

I really know I'm depressed when I start looking at the photos and start picking myself apart.
I hate this- I hate that. Basically I'm hating the way I look entirely.
I feel like I'm going through puberty again- I'm look so awkward and shit. It's so frustrating!
Of course Dave tells me it's all in my head, I look great- yada yada yada.

It's like a demon in my head-just feeding all my insecurities. It's so hard fighting back.
I feel like burning all my old clothes- but I have none to replace them with. This is always how my eating disorder starts. It's not going to happen this time- for several reasons- one, I have kids to look after- two, I have too many people "policing" me right now. Which is a good thing- when it comes to me and my self-destructive qualities. I admit that.

And then I look at other people with all this confidence. I envy them. And yes- I do have days where I feel confident- but than I'll see a photo of myself- and all that confidence will fade away in a flash.

I want a total makeover- I really do- a total "mind, body and spirit" makeover.

Besides all this- I'm having night after night of nightmares. All very bizarre. One of last night's nightmares- was that I was the worst at everything I tried. I was laughed at and made fun of by everyone. It was so frustrating. I kind of feel like that at times. That I suck at nearly everything. I know this is all self-hating talk but it's what going through my sick mind at the moment. I feel like hiding under a rock- till this awkward stage is finally over. I feel like I go through this stage so often. Where nothing feels like it's working right.

Depression and me- it's such a bizarre relationship. It really is. Because even though I was having such a good time at the playground, watching Violet explore and have fun, the minute I get back home- the sadness and frustration come right back like the good things in the day never happened. I know these feelings of mine aren't logical in anyway, shape or form- but it's a real feeling- my brain makes it feel real.

When I was a kid, around 3 or 4 years old, I remember not being able to tell the difference between dreams and reality. Sometimes that still happens to me- where I feel dreams bleeding into days, bleeding into my reality. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, what's really happening and what isn't.

I know you're probably thinking- I'm crazy. And truthfully- you're completely right.
I am crazy- straight up. I'm not denying it.

And I have yet to meet people that feel the same way as me. That have the trouble I have with telling the difference between dreams and reality- unless they're junkies- then they understand me perfectly. But I'm not a junkie- so what's my excuse??? And I certainly wasn't a three year old junkie- so really what's wrong with me? What three year old has to ask themselves- if something is really happening or not?

For all I know, that happens to my daughter, and she can't tell me this because she cannot speak. I know my kids could be bipolar. I also know my kids could be schizophrenic- because that also runs in my husband's family. There's all the things I keep a look out for. I'm not scared of them- I just want to be aware. If it happens to my kids I don't want them being afraid- I want to teach them how to handle these things. Not that I'm so great at that. But no one knew how to help me when I was younger.

And so much such was happening inside my head when I was a little kid- I didn't share with anyone- because I didn't know how. I KNEW I was different from everyone- every single person I met- I knew I thought differently- my mind worked differently. I kind of dumbed myself down to get along with people. I'm not saying my friends where stupid or anything like that- they were typical kids- with typical kid's thoughts- I on the other hand- had so much going on inside my head- a lot of my thoughts were very dark and eerie.

When I think of my childhood, it's mostly dark. And it's not my mom's fault- she was a great mom and my mom's family showed me nothing but love. My dad on the other hand- well that's a completely different story- and maybe if I ever sit down, have the time and finally write a book, maybe I'll have the courage to talk about. But I feel a blog isn't the place for that right now.

Bipolar in most cases- "activates" in people in their twenties usually- or even teens.
I feel it can happen way earlier- I feel I was born bipolar- at no point did it get activated. Sure in my twenties I went full on manic- and dangerous. But there were things going on way earlier than that for me. Bipolar's onset can also caused by trauma. That is also a possibility for me.

Either way a lot of things I've experienced-have shaped me into the person I am today- well that is and isn't completely true. I shaped myself into the person I am today.
If I let my childhood dictate the parent I would become- than I would probably be a really shitty parent. But I fought that every step of the way.
I've always promised myself to be the best freaking parent I can possibly be- and even better.
I see all the mistakes people have made with their children- and I fight to never ever let that happen to my kids. They will always come first, before me-always!

Given no matter how great a parent you are, whatever your child is meant to become he or she will, despite your greatest efforts. But I strive to give my kids the best childhood they can have- so at least I know I did my part in raising them. I have no clue what's in store for my kids- who they will become- or who they are meant to be.

I fight everyday against myself- to try to not put myself down in front of my kids- I never want my kids to hate themselves. My daughter kisses the mirror when she sees her reflection- I want that thing to stay that way- I'd rather she be vain- than hate herself. I want her to always feel beautiful. Same for my son.

Sorry this is such a long blog post.

Don't worry... my book will be much much longer- and it'll finally have some answers- if I have the balls to write about everything. We'll see, won't we?

Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo i found on the net- seemed fitting.

1 comment:

  1. Babe...as weird as this is gonna sound, reading this made me want to sit you down and rest your head on my massive boobage while I comfort you...lol

    But in all seriousness, your not alone babe. They say "Idle Hands Are The Devil's Tools", your children keep you busy and remind you whats truly important so these waves of negativity don't get a full hold of you. That's why you keep yourself busy and enjoy feeling wanted because it keeps you in balance.

    As for not being like other kids, boy do we have THAT in common. We'll have to have a long chat soon...;-)
    ♥U Sweets...