Thursday, May 13, 2010

Long Long Long day

I went to court today, yet again. Nothing has been solved.
The hunt for a lawyer continues. It's so exhausting.
I was up almost all night, freaking out. Basically having a total meltdown.
I was cycling really badly. And that only leads to bad things. So I took an extra Geodon. This medication works within 15 minutes (it's for my bipolar disorder). And started feeling much much better, thank goodness.
Violet was screaming most of the night because she was not feeling well.
So after court today, I made several calls and then took Violet for an emergency doctors appointment.
Violet has many health problems, all of which can't be addressed by just one doctor, it takes so many.
Right now the problem is she keeps getting UTIs ( urinary tract infections) we think this is because she has urinary reflux, which if left untreated can lead to kidney failure. Yes, kidney failure.
On top of trying to find a good lawyer, I'm trying to get better myself.
I've been sick nearly a month, as has my son. And now Violet.
I'm in the midst of getting her multiple doctors appointments and tests. It never ever ends.
Dave complains that I have half empty seltzers bottles all over the house.
This is because every single time I open a bottle and try to drink, something happens- either one of the kids wants the bottle, or someone calls, or the doorbell rings, you get the point.
So at this rate I have no time to drink, let alone eat. Last night I realized I barely ate all day. No wonder why I felt so horrible. Stress makes me even more sick and really nauseous- so even thinking about eating, when I'm freak out, just makes it worse.
Dave's going to try to help me out more with all the jobs I have. He sees it's really wearing me down a lot.
When he says this- I breathe a sigh of relief.
I feel bad for my husband. He rarely gets any sleep. There seems to be no time in the day or night, to get these much needed hours. I need more help around the house and with the kids, but I feel horrible asking for these things from him, because I know how tired he is.
It's a dreadful cycle. Ongoing cycle.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot and we have to fight to get back our medicaid and food stamps in the middle of all this chaos.
In the short time I was actually sleeping last night, I had a vision of the place I will eventually move to.
I asked God to show me where I would be living. I still don't know where, but I think it was someplace warm. My family and I lived in a house I had never ever seen before in my life. It was enormous compared to our apartment. Violet and Levi each had their own rooms. We had a two floor patio! It was amazing. The basement was pretty empty except for a washing machine and dryer. And...get this there was a leak from the ceiling of my basement. And I was ranting in the dream how we just freaking bought this place, how could this already be already happening?! Funny, huh?
Well this dream gave me hope. Hope I didn't have before. In the end I will have moved out of this toxic place and into a beautiful new home big enough for my family, where everyone would be happy and most importantly healthy.
Here's to hoping.

Thanks everyone, for all of your support through these rough times.
It's really appreciated.
Maybe my miracle is coming. Just maybe.

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