Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I was wrong.

I didn't GAIN two pounds. I actually lost two pounds. I found out. And got weighed again today and another doctor's office and lost another 2 pounds in TWO DAYS.
Let me explain why- 2 reasons- STRESS and NO FOOD.
Yup. you put those two things together and you get that near passing out feeling all day.
We're fighting to get our food stamps back, after they stopped them for no good reason, other than saving THEM money. FUCK~
So yeah- the food situation.
Thanks to some family members- we'll be okay for a couple of days. I'm going to sell my shit at a nearby block fair. I was planning on donating my kids old clothes, but it turns out we need the money really badly.
Dave doesn't want me to sell my collectibles for pennies, but I don't really think we have a choice.
I have a huge star wars collection- Yes! I'm a really big time uber-nerd.
I also have plenty of other toys, I planned on giving to my children, since I don't really have money to leave them, I have mint in box ( never opened) toys galore from way back when. This is my nerd legacy.
It pains me to sell these things, because they are the only things I have to leave for my kids.
And yes, I have been thinking a lot about death lately. No, not killing myself.
I'm just really ill right now, most of which I cannot go into detail about here because it's too personal.
I just feel really beat down physically and emotionally.
My daughter is very very ill. She has an antibiotic resistant UTI, that's hurting her badly.
The anitbiotics made her even sicker. And she's just screaming and tantruming ALL day. It's exhausting. I'm trying everything to make her better. I feel she's regressing big time. I'm scared. She was making so much progress only to now take several steps backwards. I don't know what to do. I feel I'm doing everything wrong.
All this aside- I'm proud of myself, for keeping it together thus far, even while on antibiotics. And believe me, it's very hard.
Some days I go to bed, after a day like today, and feel like I have nothing left- to give- to anyone. I have nothing for myself. I give ALL of me all day and night. I don't have anymore of me left. If I was a bit more girlie- I would probably cry. But I don't like that feeling. Being vulnerable. It irks me. I'm more of a guy that way. EW, feelings! I'm more the detached type of personality. It's really an aquarius thing, so I'm told.

So yeah- I'm trying not to go further down the weight loss rabbit hole of doom.
Wish me luck!!!!

Love all you crazy ass bitches!!!!
By the way, I'm listening to Nirvana's Lithium- how fitting.

*Here's a photo from my photo shoot.

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