Monday, September 6, 2010

Started writing my book.

I had Dave and my mom read an excerpt from the book I started writing the other day.
Both weren't too happy.

And that part was TAME!

Dave loved the writing but it reminded him of me when I was manic- not his favorite times that's for sure.
My mom wasn't too pleased either.
So from now on- family doesn't get to read my writing- except my sister- who doesn't judge me, no matter what I do or say.
I was at an all time low last night. Everyone knew it, because I was really quiet- and if you know me, I'm never ever quiet.
I was numb- no anger, or sadness, just emptiness.
I decided to go to sleep early last night- I hadn't anything better to do.
There are so many thoughts going through my head.
Worries, frustrations-
So I took all those emotions- and decided to clean the entire fucking house this morning.

I had enough!!!

I saw a bug this morning while making myself coffee. I hadn't seen a bug here in nearly ten years!!!
I'm such a freaking girl when it comes to bugs and rodents!
So I cleaned the whole house, mopped, swept, wiped- you name it.
All while listening to music, blaring through my headphones.
Music is my way to get away from everything and everyone.
Afterwards I showered and got dressed. The kids were getting restless and so was I.
Dave and my dad slept the entire time I spent cleaning.
Dave asked me- "Wouldn't you rather chill than go outside?"
To which I replied "Have I ever just chilled and relaxed????"
It's been a long fucking while- plus it's hard for me to just sit back and relax with kids that are anxious to get outside and do something.
I got my blood test results in the mail- not in detail- just telling me what I already know- they were abnormal and I need to see an endocrinologist soon.

I'm emotionally exhausted.
I might have to go back on Geodon, after slowly going through withdrawal from not taking it.
I've been off of it for awhile now- I see that might have to change.
I feel more lonely than anything.
Ever with all my family around.
I have all these internal thoughts and feelings- that I don't feel the need to share with anyone.
In a house full of people- I'm still alone.
I might post the excerpt later this week.
I think it shows my sense of humor while still talking about a serious subject matter.
Would you read a book filled with real stories about sex with both genders, drugs, hospitalizations, eating disorders, near death experiences ( the list goes on and on)?

Lemme know.

Kisses Bitches!

*photo of me need deep in mania- yes I am actually sitting in the middle of a busy street with cars coming. The photo was taken by a brilliant fashion photographer, my dear old friend Udo. I have many fond memories of talking dirty to him, in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. It would crack us both up.


  1. Sweat Pea,
    You know I'll read it. Like I said, I'll be one of the first on line to pre-order.
    But if there's one thing I know about writing, it's never show what you've written until your finished. Especially if it's something personal.

    Use writing this book to cleans yourself of everything, like you do this blog. Empty out your memories, feelings, even fucked up jokes, and don't worry about if it's legible or if people will like it. That comes later.
    The first step is just getting it out of you, then you go over it and refine it.

    At least that's what works for me. Everyone is different. You will find your method and if you become as dedicated to the book as you are to everything else, this baby will be written in no

  2. Hi Schnookums. I dislike hearing you being so upset and ill and un happy much of the time. I worry about you beans. Just based on what I've been reading in your blogs (yes, i do read every one!) I can say that you probably suffer from not having any alone time. It's easy to get exhausted from the company of others even if they are your loved ones and this leads to the feeling alone in their company syndrome. This 'tired' feeling then translates to irregular hormonal secretions and mood swings. Getting away, and out of the house on your own to do something completely alone would do you much good. With so many people around you really should be able to take an hour or two entirely to yourself, no? And as such this is what Dr. Neaphyte recommends!!! muchos bessos.