Friday, September 3, 2010

A Week to Remember.

Several things happened this week-
I took my babies to the nearby public pool several times and Coney Island.
But ever since Coney Island, Violet has been really ill. Probably due to the gross sea water she swallowed ( like every kid I know). Her tummy has been upside down. I feel so bad for her!!!
She's in a lot of pain.
She finally had some dinner tonight for the first time in a few days!
I'm taking her to the doctor tomorrow morning- yet again. I LIVE at this doctor office now. It's insane!

On a whole other note-
I found out the other day my grandfather died, my father's real dad.

I cancelled all therapies and doctor's appointments so that I could be here for my father.
My dad, is trying to pretend that he doesn't care-but I know he does.
His father and him had a very complicated relationship- and he hadn't seen him in almost 30 years.
I never met him. He never wanted to meet me.
Some people don't understand relationships like these- but I know them all too well. I've been practically erased from my father's family altogether.
Not that I really mind. His mother never met my children.
According to them- I'm crazy, a liar and I live in a fantasy world.
This is of course because I told them the absolute truth- about my father and my relationship and the things that have happened to me.
So of course- to them I'm a complete liar- since they never ever want to face the truth.

I got over this a long time ago. I don't want to force anyone to care about my kids or me- we deserve better than that- my children DEFINITELY deserve better than that.

I still from time to time have dreams of my dad's family trying to get back in contact with me- I'm not sure if that's wishful thinking- or something that will happen in the future.
People from my past show up in my dreams all the time- every dream means something different.

So even though my grandfather never wanted to know me, I still mourn his death, and the man I never got to meet.
Sometimes I wonder if I would show up to my father's mother's funeral, when she eventually passes away. I truly don't know. I don't really understand my dad's family at all, or their way of thinking.

I will always love my children, no matter what they do- or get into. I will be there for them, and their children, and so on. I guess my dad's family never really understood what love really means. I feel sorry for them.

My dad never learned how to show love-
but I know what love is, and what it means.
I give my family everything I have- I give my children all I have to offer.

They are so special.

I can't imagine anything they could do to make me turn them away- and I can imagine A LOT- especially based on my sordid past.
I never knew my mom's dad, he passed away when she was 18 years old.
But I know, from everything I've heard about him, and everything I know about my grandmother ( my mom's mother) that he would have been in my children's lives and loved them so much. I know if my grandmother didn't have dementia, she would be involved in my kids lives as well.

She was always the most giving, loving, caring person I've ever known- besides my mom of course.

So here's to the man, who never wanted to know me- may you rest in peace, grandfather.
And may you now see what you missed knowing.

Thanks for listening.

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