Monday, September 27, 2010

Ta-Tas- the on going saga

Hey guys and gals-
It's the beginning of the week and so much has happened already.
I had a horrible weekend- that was truly bipolar.
I was suffering and truly was hitting a new low.
I was on the phone with my therapist, and we had talked about me going back to the institution.
Yeah- THAT bad.
Thankfully I pulled through and I'm now back on Geodon.
It has been my life saver- literally.
I'm in a much much much better mood now. Phew!!
I have to tell you all that I went to the doctor today- because my left breast has been bothering me again-
Yes, again: I went through a really bad time about four years ago.
I felt a lump in my left breast and had it biopsied (very very freaking painful!), mammograms, sonograms, everything- four years ago.
Everything turned out okay, but they couldn't guarantee that wouldn't happen again.
It was one of the scariest times in my life.
I wanted both my breasts removed at that time- I never wanted to experience that pain and fear ever again.
But of course doctors didn't listen- because I was labeled "bipolar" they thought I was crazy.
One doctor agreed with me but it wasn't enough to plead my case to the insurance company.
After that- I never felt the same about my breasts- these things could kill me.
I was uncomfortable in my own skin.
I felt the minute I started liking my breast again, something bad would happen.
And here we are today.
I have had pain in my left breast- the very same breast that had the lump years ago.
I had to yell at Dave to come to the doctor with me.
He didn't understand why I needed him there!
He decided after my yelling- to come with me.
Truth was I was very scared to be in the same position I was years ago, especially alone- my nightmare.
He didn't talk to me much on the way there. I was yapping my head off because I was nervous- I talk a LOT that's how I deal. TOUGH!
I was in the doctor's office when I explained the things that've been happening.
I undressed- he examined my ta-tas.
I love that the doctor felt nervous- because he's a man and Dave was watching him do this.
I have no problem being nude- as you all know very well ( used to be a nude model).
Afterwards he told me I need to see a breast surgeon and get another mammogram.
When he said that- I felt like crying- but you all know I hate crying especially in public, so I didn't. I held it all in.
He then asked if I wanted to get dressed, I said sure- and did so in front of him, he was so bashful and told me he'd would look the other way. I found it funny.
When I turned to Dave, half-naked to put on my clothes Dave said quickly "More for me!"
Always cracking jokes!
Finally he spoke!!
After that he talked to me on our way home.
I needed a perk me up- because I was feeling depressed again, not too bad- but there WAS a reason for feeling this way.
So a Ricky's store was a block away ( my favorite store of all time!!!) It's a beauty HAVEN!!!
I just looked at everything- and all the colors and hair accessories and wigs- made me feel better.
Did I mention my hair's falling out again- yeah.
No matter what- I'm gonna look fabulous!
I hope this is my last time going through this- and they cut my ta-tas off.
Dave and I used to joke- we'd put my boobs in jars and ask people if they wanted to see my boobs?!
Yeah- we have a really gross sense of humor- but how else to you get through times like this- I'd much rather laugh than cry- any day.
My mom told my dad why I went to the doctor (while I was out) he was home because he just had knee surgery. When I came home- he tried to show me he was worried and felt bad for me, and put his arm awkwardly around my shoulders.
I told him "I'll be fine Dad, they're JUST boobies!" Trying to make light of the situation.
I always have a hard time sharing feelings with my dad and vice versa.
But I appreciated the effort he made.

That's the news for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!! Check your ta-tas MAMAS!!!


  1. I have what's called "Fibrocystic Breasts" which is considered normal but because of the constant changing state of my breasts I have to go in for tests and ultrasounds of my breasts more often. I've had 2 biopsy's on lumps I developed, 1 of them had to be removed because it got bigger, and the other I still have sitting there in my breast and I check it almost every day.
    I've had countless sonograms of my breasts and the pain and fear never gets any easier.

    I'm not afraid of breast cancer, but that's mostly because I'm not afraid of death. I'm more afraid of the manner of my death.

    If I get it, I get it. If anything I'll probably feel somehow relieved because then at least I'll know exactly what I'll be fighting. It's the not knowing my enemy that scares me. Not knowing what it is I'm fighting, and not knowing how to fight it. I know what I have to do if I get Cancer and I know how to fight it.
    Cancer, if it happens, will be for me just another battle, and that somehow gives me peace...

  2. Oh my goodness sweety! I feel your pain. I admire strength!