Broken.

I'm still continuing to write my book- which means sometimes I write a page in my book, instead of blogging- some rare times I have time to write both.
Yesterday was a bit odd.
I've been really depressed lately- actually more numb than feeling sad.
I dislike everything about myself at the moment.
I hope this feeling will pass soon.
Do you ever feel like that?
You hate...this and that about yourself..and wish that you could change ________ (fill in the blank).
Yeah- that's me at the moment.
I was trying on some of my clothes yesterday- disliking everything I tried. Especially this one tight shirt- Dave was there and he liked it- I said to him, the little pouch I have of a stomach I don't like showing- to which he responded-
"You have given birth to two kids- that's probably never gonna go away."
I felt defeated- "What do you mean it'll never go away?"
Something I already knew- but didn't want to hear.
Dave didn't mean anything mean by saying it, obviously.
This spiraled me downward- to start looking at old photos of myself and the taut beautiful stomach I used to have. Yes- I was like 80 lbs- and most people, including Dave thought I looked scary- and yes- I agree with them- but I still look on those days semi-fondly.
Yeah- I should totally be careful at this moment not to go all crazy starving again. Plus I don't have the patience for that anymore- I like food too much and I cook all the time because I'm good at it.
Do you ever have this moment where you realize how broken you are?
I see girls on the street and right away can tell if they are "broken" or not.
You know the ones you can sense have a million and one issues- including daddy issues- yeah I can't stand I'm one of them. Even though I clearly am one of them.
Ewww! It's gross!
I don't want to be broken- I guess being bipolar- automatically means I broken in several ways, right?
And if you're bipolar and reading this right now- thinking you're not broken...I beg to differ.
I miss so many things- probably too many to list.
Of course- being thin, having long hair ( man, I wish it hadn't fall out last spring! ), being able to wear whatever I want without feeling awkward, feeling passionate, feeling something other than numb, photographing my beautiful friends, being happy, the list goes on and on like I said.
So yesterday when I was feeling so down about myself-
That's when every stranger decided to hit on me strangely enough, while I was buying groceries with my kids- pushing a ridiculously large heavy double stroller, sweating my ass off.
A guy handing out fliers told me that he'll be waiting for me at the new store.
That made me laugh so hard.
An old guy at the supermarket decided to help me find the food I was looking for, move everything out of the way- and told me-" It was my pleasure- anytime you need me." With this sleazy old man grin and a wink.
Strange yet again.
I think men can smell- defeat- not their own defeat- but the smell of a woman feeling defeated about herself- they must think this is their chance, right?
It's like when a guy's at a bar and he sees a girl already drunk- I'm guessing something like that?
And when my book if finally done- you'll get to see why I'm so broken- in so many different ways. Broken, broken, broken.
I think to myself what my kids are going to think of me- when they eventually read this book.
It could be really bad- and go back and forth thinking if this is a good idea or not.
I'm not going to sugar coat myself- I'm obviously not perfect- more like so far from it- I can't even see the word perfect anymore.
But I will make this book as funny as possible- every mistake I've ever made- I've found humor in it.
Even in all my sexual experiences- there's a lot of humor in that for sure!
I showed my sister a chapter I wrote- she was shocked! And laughed her ass off.
That's the reaction I want- not so much the shocked part- but the laughing part most definitely.
Not to say every single thing I'll be writing about is funny.
Certain parts- might get...a negative reaction- actually I'm going to take out- the "might" part.
I know better.
Some family members came over yesterday, and while talking, I realized they never knew I smoked cigarettes- not often- just sometimes, around certain people.
Really out of everything I've ever done- this is probably the most benign- not saying smoking cigarettes isn't a bad thing- but really- compared...to EVERYTHING- that's not a big deal.
They seemed shocked when I said this- which made me think- man, I hope they never ever read my book...like ever ever- you know?
Anyways- sorry for rambling- I write the way I think, pardon me.

Kisses -you bipolar Bitches!

*the artwork is by one of the most talented photographer/artists of all kinds of media- including music- of all time- my great friend-
Anna Fleshler ( https://annafleshler.com/ARTWoRK.php) - Her music page - http://www.neaphyte.com/

The body is mine- actually not at my lowest weight- I got much thinner than this, at my lowest point of my eating disorder)