Monday, September 13, 2010

September 11th

I was going to write a blog yesterday- but I was right in the middle of a funk.
I read the first two lines- and was so angry at myself.
I sounded like an asshole.
I'm not denying that, I am a total and complete asshole-Seriously- I should have a business card saying this.
I was angry at myself for all the negativity I was writing.

Dave and I had a conversation about it- and he was right in the end-
that I have to right the truth- while I'm feeling it- even if I sound like an asshole.
The whole point of my blog/book is that people see what being bipolar really means.
The ups and downs of it all.
People have mentioned that I should maybe write under another name-
I decided not to.

Since this book is true- 100% of it- I will be upfront about myself- and in the end- I think if my family and children read this- they'll know I didn't hold back.
I've always been open about myself- why stop now?
Truthfully I just have to say "fuck it" to everyone and thing.
If you don't like it- don't read it- period.

My sister tells me to this very day- because I've told her my history with drugs, sex and eating disorders- she hasn't repeated my mistakes.
She's a healthy eater and has never done drugs. What more could I ask for, right?

I was awake for most of last night- in bed- I was thinking of the past.
Things I'm going to write about.
Sometimes I think about all the different ways my life could have gone- like alternate universes.

September 11th just passed- and I didn't write about it because I was knee deep in a depression, I'm sorry about that.

I actually remember September 11th- very clearly.
I could have lost my father that day. He was supposed to be in the twin towers that day.
When it happened, he was only a few blocks away- and saw people jumping from the building to their death.
It traumatized him for a really really long time.
My father and I did not have a good relationship at this time at all- but I was still worried about him.
I remember I picked up the girl I'd babysat since she was two and a half years old ( shout out to Anya!) from her school. I thought of her as my own. I rushed to her school to pick her up, because I was supposed to that day- and couldn't get a hold of her mother on the phone. Since all the phones were down.

I remember getting to her school in a panic- and it as madness at her school. And her seeing me and rushing into my arms. I was so thankful to hold her and that she was okay.
I than went to my sister's school with Anya, and someone had told me that " a man" had picked her up. Some unknown man!
I was freaking out, thinking the worst.

But then something in my gut told me she was okay- and maybe Dave had gotten her.
He had gone to college that day in Brooklyn- and walked - more like ran- across the bridge
to get my sister at her school.
So I picked up food for lunch and brought Anya to my house- where my sister and Dave were waiting for me. PHEW!!!
We patiently waited for my dad and mom.

We didn't know if my father was alive or not-
I couldn't get a hold of anyone!
Soon after my mother and father arrived home, thankfully. And my dad was a mess.
I was so thankful to have the people I cared about all under one roof, safe and sound.
I remember talking with my family about that day- days later, even months later.
I had talked with my father's sister about September 11th, and how she felt.
These were her exact words-
"It didn't really affect me- I mean I was in Florida. I wasn't in New York."
Did I mention she's an idiot?! I don't understand his family- never have, never will.
Yeah- one of the many reasons I don't talk to my dad's family anymore.
I asked her " What do you mean it didn't affect you?! Your brother could have been killed! And you didn't even worry?!"
His sister never even called him that day- or even days later to see if he was okay.
He has a really fucked up family.
There are so many different ways my life could have gone. I could have lost my father that day.
Do you think about different ways YOUR life could have gone- if you hadn't done this or that?
Let me know- I'd like to hear from you.


Thanks for listening. Writing Kisses Bitches- doesn't seem appropriate for this blog.
Sending much love to all of you!

4 comments:

  1. I'm glad to hear you'll be using your own name for the book. It seems more appropriate and I gotta to tell you, I really wish I had your balls...lol

    I'll send you a email with my views on Sept 11th since they'll run a bit long.

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  2. Thanks, twin.
    I'm always wondering where my balls are!

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  3. Swinging low sista....swinging low...;-)

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  4. thinking about how things could have gone for me always makes me kinda sad because I know Ive made tons of bad decisions in my life. The one thing I had no control over that I actually am glad happened is my dad disappearing when I was 3. I know him now and Im glad I know him as a person but knowing what my sister went through with him raising her and knowing what kind of man he is, I know that my life would be really different. I wouldnt be the person I am now and probably wouldnt know the people i know now.

    The one thing I did do that Im glad I did was move to the city from long island. Had I not done that I think I would have aged quicker. It just seems like living out in Long Island makes you look and feel older. I look at pics of me from when I first moved here and pics of me now and notice I actually looked OLDER then. Going to reunions with people I went to high school with, despite being the same age, I always feel younger than them and a bit out of place.

    And hey if I never moved I would have never met you!! And trust me, you have influenced my life in so many positive ways. No joke, no doubt!

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