Monday, September 13, 2010

September 11th

I was going to write a blog yesterday- but I was right in the middle of a funk.
I read the first two lines- and was so angry at myself.
I sounded like an asshole.
I'm not denying that, I am a total and complete asshole-Seriously- I should have a business card saying this.
I was angry at myself for all the negativity I was writing.

Dave and I had a conversation about it- and he was right in the end-
that I have to right the truth- while I'm feeling it- even if I sound like an asshole.
The whole point of my blog/book is that people see what being bipolar really means.
The ups and downs of it all.
People have mentioned that I should maybe write under another name-
I decided not to.

Since this book is true- 100% of it- I will be upfront about myself- and in the end- I think if my family and children read this- they'll know I didn't hold back.
I've always been open about myself- why stop now?
Truthfully I just have to say "fuck it" to everyone and thing.
If you don't like it- don't read it- period.

My sister tells me to this very day- because I've told her my history with drugs, sex and eating disorders- she hasn't repeated my mistakes.
She's a healthy eater and has never done drugs. What more could I ask for, right?

I was awake for most of last night- in bed- I was thinking of the past.
Things I'm going to write about.
Sometimes I think about all the different ways my life could have gone- like alternate universes.

September 11th just passed- and I didn't write about it because I was knee deep in a depression, I'm sorry about that.

I actually remember September 11th- very clearly.
I could have lost my father that day. He was supposed to be in the twin towers that day.
When it happened, he was only a few blocks away- and saw people jumping from the building to their death.
It traumatized him for a really really long time.
My father and I did not have a good relationship at this time at all- but I was still worried about him.
I remember I picked up the girl I'd babysat since she was two and a half years old ( shout out to Anya!) from her school. I thought of her as my own. I rushed to her school to pick her up, because I was supposed to that day- and couldn't get a hold of her mother on the phone. Since all the phones were down.

I remember getting to her school in a panic- and it as madness at her school. And her seeing me and rushing into my arms. I was so thankful to hold her and that she was okay.
I than went to my sister's school with Anya, and someone had told me that " a man" had picked her up. Some unknown man!
I was freaking out, thinking the worst.

But then something in my gut told me she was okay- and maybe Dave had gotten her.
He had gone to college that day in Brooklyn- and walked - more like ran- across the bridge
to get my sister at her school.
So I picked up food for lunch and brought Anya to my house- where my sister and Dave were waiting for me. PHEW!!!
We patiently waited for my dad and mom.

We didn't know if my father was alive or not-
I couldn't get a hold of anyone!
Soon after my mother and father arrived home, thankfully. And my dad was a mess.
I was so thankful to have the people I cared about all under one roof, safe and sound.
I remember talking with my family about that day- days later, even months later.
I had talked with my father's sister about September 11th, and how she felt.
These were her exact words-
"It didn't really affect me- I mean I was in Florida. I wasn't in New York."
Did I mention she's an idiot?! I don't understand his family- never have, never will.
Yeah- one of the many reasons I don't talk to my dad's family anymore.
I asked her " What do you mean it didn't affect you?! Your brother could have been killed! And you didn't even worry?!"
His sister never even called him that day- or even days later to see if he was okay.
He has a really fucked up family.
There are so many different ways my life could have gone. I could have lost my father that day.
Do you think about different ways YOUR life could have gone- if you hadn't done this or that?
Let me know- I'd like to hear from you.

Thanks for listening. Writing Kisses Bitches- doesn't seem appropriate for this blog.
Sending much love to all of you!


  1. I'm glad to hear you'll be using your own name for the book. It seems more appropriate and I gotta to tell you, I really wish I had your

    I'll send you a email with my views on Sept 11th since they'll run a bit long.

  2. Thanks, twin.
    I'm always wondering where my balls are!

  3. Swinging low sista....swinging low...;-)

  4. thinking about how things could have gone for me always makes me kinda sad because I know Ive made tons of bad decisions in my life. The one thing I had no control over that I actually am glad happened is my dad disappearing when I was 3. I know him now and Im glad I know him as a person but knowing what my sister went through with him raising her and knowing what kind of man he is, I know that my life would be really different. I wouldnt be the person I am now and probably wouldnt know the people i know now.

    The one thing I did do that Im glad I did was move to the city from long island. Had I not done that I think I would have aged quicker. It just seems like living out in Long Island makes you look and feel older. I look at pics of me from when I first moved here and pics of me now and notice I actually looked OLDER then. Going to reunions with people I went to high school with, despite being the same age, I always feel younger than them and a bit out of place.

    And hey if I never moved I would have never met you!! And trust me, you have influenced my life in so many positive ways. No joke, no doubt!