I read the first two lines- and was so angry at myself.
I sounded like an asshole.
I'm not denying that, I am a total and complete asshole-Seriously- I should have a business card saying this.
I was angry at myself for all the negativity I was writing.
Dave and I had a conversation about it- and he was right in the end-
that I have to right the truth- while I'm feeling it- even if I sound like an asshole.
The whole point of my blog/book is that people see what being bipolar really means.
The ups and downs of it all.
People have mentioned that I should maybe write under another name-
I decided not to.
Since this book is true- 100% of it- I will be upfront about myself- and in the end- I think if my family and children read this- they'll know I didn't hold back.
I've always been open about myself- why stop now?
Truthfully I just have to say "fuck it" to everyone and thing.
If you don't like it- don't read it- period.
My sister tells me to this very day- because I've told her my history with drugs, sex and eating disorders- she hasn't repeated my mistakes.
She's a healthy eater and has never done drugs. What more could I ask for, right?
I was awake for most of last night- in bed- I was thinking of the past.
Things I'm going to write about.
Sometimes I think about all the different ways my life could have gone- like alternate universes.
September 11th just passed- and I didn't write about it because I was knee deep in a depression, I'm sorry about that.
I actually remember September 11th- very clearly.
I could have lost my father that day. He was supposed to be in the twin towers that day.
When it happened, he was only a few blocks away- and saw people jumping from the building to their death.
It traumatized him for a really really long time.
My father and I did not have a good relationship at this time at all- but I was still worried about him.
I remember I picked up the girl I'd babysat since she was two and a half years old ( shout out to Anya!) from her school. I thought of her as my own. I rushed to her school to pick her up, because I was supposed to that day- and couldn't get a hold of her mother on the phone. Since all the phones were down.
I remember getting to her school in a panic- and it as madness at her school. And her seeing me and rushing into my arms. I was so thankful to hold her and that she was okay.
I than went to my sister's school with Anya, and someone had told me that " a man" had picked her up. Some unknown man!
I was freaking out, thinking the worst.
But then something in my gut told me she was okay- and maybe Dave had gotten her.
He had gone to college that day in Brooklyn- and walked - more like ran- across the bridge
to get my sister at her school.
So I picked up food for lunch and brought Anya to my house- where my sister and Dave were waiting for me. PHEW!!!
We patiently waited for my dad and mom.
We didn't know if my father was alive or not-
I couldn't get a hold of anyone!
Soon after my mother and father arrived home, thankfully. And my dad was a mess.
I was so thankful to have the people I cared about all under one roof, safe and sound.
I remember talking with my family about that day- days later, even months later.
I had talked with my father's sister about September 11th, and how she felt.
These were her exact words-
"It didn't really affect me- I mean I was in Florida. I wasn't in New York."
Did I mention she's an idiot?! I don't understand his family- never have, never will.
Yeah- one of the many reasons I don't talk to my dad's family anymore.
I asked her " What do you mean it didn't affect you?! Your brother could have been killed! And you didn't even worry?!"
His sister never even called him that day- or even days later to see if he was okay.
He has a really fucked up family.
There are so many different ways my life could have gone. I could have lost my father that day.
Do you think about different ways YOUR life could have gone- if you hadn't done this or that?
Let me know- I'd like to hear from you.
Thanks for listening. Writing Kisses Bitches- doesn't seem appropriate for this blog.
Sending much love to all of you!