Thursday, January 13, 2011

Let's play catch-up, shall we?

I was supposed to go back to the doctor's office, not the sonogram technician, for a full stress test and to get hooked up with an event recorder.
For those who need a summary of things that have been happening-
I did lots and lots of harm to my body for many many years.
I've had health problems all my life-
practically lived in hospitals, doctor's offices for most of my life.
I've had MRIs, CATscans, every year for the past...I'd say 17 years of my life- no biggie.
This past year I've gotten really really ill.
My thyroid is off the fucking charts- I have both hyper- and hypo thyroid.
I've been on medication for it for over seven years- but this past year has been the worst.
The doctors can't control my thyroid, it changes every day practically- even though I'm not changing dosages, or any medications.
I've been to so many different specialists.
But I'm not having JUST thyroid problems. I've having chest pains, shortness of breath, my heart likes to, for no known reason- without warning- just fucking stop, fatigue, cramping, migraines, severe pain in my entire body like every fucking nerve in my body is on fire.
I have female problems- I've had biopsies, basically my entire body is going to SHIT!

And on top of everything- I'm fucking BIPOLAR.
Just thought I'd add that- because that's obviously nothing new. I thought thought it was funny.
I moved and had to find new and nearby doctors- because of my health problems- travel ain't so easy anymore.
I went to a nearby doctor's office, two days ago, had a million and two tests done- I'm practically glowing with radiation at this freaking point. I probably glow in the DARK!
I'm a fucking RAVE stick!
The ultrasound technician (a creepy man and NOT a doctor) touched me in ways- totally not professional and really really fucking icky.
I've been really depressed every since.

So NOW you all should be caught-up, at least mostly.
I was supposed to go back there today, the technician that violated me, not being present, and have a full stress test done.
I was panicked all day yesterday thinking about any of the doctors touching me to hook me up to any and all monitors.
Over all, I think I'm handling it better, than I possibly could be.
I didn't kill myself- so there's that, right?!

I woke up this morning in so much pain, in my chest and body.
I knew I wouldn't be able to fucking run on a fucking damn treadmill today.
So I asked Dave to cancel the appointment for me, because I couldn't even call them myself.
Yesterday we got the kids all bundled up to go out on our back patio to play in the snow.
I put on a happy face and took some photos of the kids.
But inside I just felt- bad.
In all sense of the word bad-
sick, disgusting, ugly, dirty - just really really gross.
I'm frustrated, I'm shaking, I just can't seem to regulate myself at all.

I wanted to grab a drink and smoke...color my hair, cut off my hair, or shave my head...get tattooed, go out at  night, stop eating, puke - do whatever I used to do to calm myself.
But then I realized I'm too fucking poor to have a fucking addiction right now.
Though to shave my head, I don't need money, nor the puking part- but Dave is trying to help me get through this- but NOT doing the things I'm used to doing- things are are practically engraved in my fucking DNA.
I don't like looking in the mirror at all right now.
I was feeling this way- before I went to the doctor- but not as severe. Now-
I'm just trying to be "present" for my kids.

So that's what's going on right now.
I've been getting a lot of requests to write my damn book already- and I did start it a few months ago. I seem to have a much easier time writing my blog, about the present- than writing about my past.

Anyways- I'll stop rambling now.

Kisses Bitches.

* photo from the web- "PTSD (post-tramatic stress disorder) clarinet boy" (I'm a geek- HELLLOOOO!)

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