Tuesday, January 18, 2011

a few days later...

Hey everyone- it's been a few days.
Sorry for the wait.
My mood is very up and down.
The other day when I wrote my blog- I was really in a bad place.
I fought with my everyone in my house that day.
Kind of "bursting the bubble".
I felt my family wasn't being considerate at all, or even trying to understand me.
I was fighting with my mom a lot.
She was really angry at me- for not saying anything to the doctor- not protesting, or getting upset.
I couldn't explain to her- what thoughts were going through my mind at the time. Or how I was feeling.
Unless you've been in that kind of situation- you wouldn't understand.
I hate "shoulda, woulda, couldas". Meaning-" If I were you, I would've done ______ , or you should've done ______ or I could've said ______" fill in the blanks.
Saying this doesn't help ANYONE!
Unless you area FUCKING time traveller!!!
It doesn't do any kind of good to tell people what they could've done instead of what they did.
It's very frustrating.

My mom, later on that day- made peace with me. And decided to let me handle this the way I FEEL COMFORTABLE handling it.

The way I handle it- try not to think about it, pretend it didn't happen, or that it happened such a long long time ago- there's no point in thinking about it.
I was pretty happy Sunday. I went to Waldbaum's for the first time- and freaking LOVED it!
All the fresh veggies and fruits and baked breads...yummmmmmmy!
I was happy.
That night I talked to my therapist.
About how I was feeling. She was proud of me for turning myself around.
She knew I was suicidal, and if it weren't for an invisible miracle of some sort- I wouldn't have made it to today.
I cannot speak of this miracle- because I'm not completely sure what actually happened.
Just a complete change of mindfulness, I guess.
Until Sunday night- when we were talking about what I was trying to ignore.
Yesterday was a bad day.
I was tired- I haven't been sleeping.
I've been falling asleep really early- passing out cold basically. Then from midnight on I've tossing and turning, in pain, having nightmares until about 6 a.m. when I can' take it anymore.
I'm exhausted.
I want to sleep but can't. Fun, right?!
Dave was going through caffeine withdrawal, really badly yesterday- as was my mom and dad. Everyone was really cranky and mean.
My dad is sick with a cold??? or sniffles??? I don't really know. He's just complaining like usual about anything and everything. My mom hasn't been herself. She's a bit hyper lately. Very hyper.

Other than that, I'm trying to think positive and move forward.

I'm tired of feeling pain and being sick. I'm going to try eating "better" again, and maybe even becoming a vegetarian or vegan again ( I was a vegetarian in the past, for many many years)
I'm willing to try anything at this point to get better.
And believe me this is very difficult since I basically live on cheeseburgers!
Don't worry - I'll still be having BBQs in the spring/summer at my house!
My parents still don't believe a meal is complete without some type of meat or poultry on their plate.
Plus I LOVE cooking!  And I'm finding lots of different ways to cook veggies, and grains.

Wish me luck!

Kisses Bitches!

BTW- Thank you to all my readers- for reading this crazy blog and always supporting me. You're all REALLY AWESOME!!

*found this photo on the net- I find it hilarious! It would be even more awesome if a person who wasn't a vegan by any means- got this tattooed!

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