Thursday, January 27, 2011
My near fatal heart attack
Let me explain...
Yesterday I fucking faced death in the motherfucking eyes! And came out victorious!
Yes I did!
Take that DEATH!!!
Last night, I cooked dinner, did some laundry and then went to the sink to wash some dishes...
And that's when it happened.
I had no idea a glass cup was broken and it slit two of my fingers.
Not wide open...but there was definitely enough blood.
And my blood looked like water, even though I was felt dehydrated most of the day.
I went to show my sister and my father all the blood- while they were busy eating the dinner I had just made.
I usually LIVE for these moments where I can freak my sister out, with my blood. Blood freaks her out. I don't mind blood at all.
I asked for a band aid- the blood wasn't stopping.
My dad freaked out, and basically ran around in circles for awhile- why? I have no clue. But if you know my father, this makes PERFECT sense.
My mom was shouting at everyone to get me a cup of orange juice...I have no idea why.
It wasn't low blood sugar.
But she thought for some reason that orange juice would help me NOT DIE!
I asked my sister to go get David from the bedroom. And QUICK!
By the time he came in (only a minute of so later) I felt nauseous, like I was going to puke. And my body felt heavy. My arms and legs were in such horrible pain.
I felt Dizzy, hot, nauseous and like I was going to shit myself all at the exact fucking time!
Then came the horrible feeling of DOOM.
My sight was closing in, getting smaller and smaller, and all I could hear was mumbling, and I was panicked! Really panicked. I had no idea why.
I kept telling myself.."Serena Why are you feeling this way?!"
"It's NOT REAL!!! WAKE UP DAMMIT! FUCKING GET OUT OF THIS NOW!"
I felt my body and everything around my closing in and coming to an end.
I couldn't walk or even stand.
I kept telling Dave, "I don't feel good. I don't feel good."
He kept asking me "HOW?" But I couldn't answer.
I thought to myself right then and there-
"Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking die, and be one of those fucking people to puke and shit themselves when I have a heart attack. Oh that's just fucking great!"
And still didn't ask my family to call 911!
I wasn't going to die in a fucking hospital. If I was going to die- and it was my time. Then it would be in my home, NOT IN A FUCKING hospital.
We were able to stop the bleeding and put some band-aids on my fingers, no need for stitches. PHEW!
Dave helped me get to the bathroom,
and I was feeling a tiny bit better, I knew- I had basically just saved myself.
I had no clue how, or even why it worked.
I laid in the tub filled with lukewarm water, we were out of hot water due to the washing machine (it hogs all the freaking hot water!GRRRR!)
I was in horrible pain, in both my arms and legs.
While limping to the bathroom, I felt like I had freaking broke my right foot.
I had no idea how? I didn't hurt my right foot. This confused me a lot.
My fingers ached- but didn't hurt.
I felt like I had just got into a fist fight and fucking LOST!
PAIN! INTENSE PAIN!
But I knew I was going to be okay, somehow.
When I was able to get out of the tub and come back into the living room, where my family was- I realized- I'm living in the fucking twilight zone!
My entire family- was acting like nothing just happened!!!
My mom started complaining about the dinner I cooked, and how she wasn't in the mood for spinach.
Oh yea..and WHY was I cleaning her bedroom sheets?!
All I could think was...IS EVERYONE FUCKING NUTS??!
Am I in hell?? Did I just die?
What's wrong with my fucking family??!!!
But this is how my family handles things- pretend like nothing fucking happened.
OR they spiral into a deep depression.
Yeah- there's only two choices apparently.
I explained to my mom- "listen I almost just fucking died- and your complaining about DINNER?! and your sheets?!"
Are you all FUCKING WITH ME?!!!!
My mom responding, by laughter, like I was fucking making a joke of some sort.
And told me "I was just trying to get your mind off it".
At this point I'm angry. Really angry.
I felt "What the fuck is wrong with everyone?!"
Can nobody handle anything properly???
After I regained my appetite for awhile, I ate some food, the entire time, not believing what actually JUST fucking occurred!
A doctor I've been talking to, explained to me, that I probably have an electrical problem with my heart and need to see an electrical cardiologist.
Pace maker???! Who knows.
I probably went into a type of shock that confused my heart- hence the heart attack-like symptoms.
Oh lucky me, right?!
I was so exhausted after the whole incident, the kids were now in their cribs and falling asleep.
I asked Dave, "What the hell? Why is my family reacting like this?!"
He explained that because I didn't go to the hospital, they don't take me seriously.
His exact words:
"What they don't realize, is that you would gladly just die right here, even if your arm was chopped off, then ever ever EVER go to the hospital."
And he's right. I am an extremist when it comes to such things.
I feel people go to a hospital to DIE- not KEEP from dying.
I felt weirdly accomplished though, despite the near fatal heart attack.
I faced death! And came out ALIVE.
How? I don't know. Why it worked? I have no idea!
Was I afraid of dying? NEVER. Hence my suicidal tendencies.
I guess God, was telling me, that wasn't my time-
last night- and that I have a lot more to accomplish on earth but I croak.
And for that, I'm thankful.
I don't feel confident in the caring for my children, if and when I pass away.
I NEED to know, they will be taken great care of-
And I don't feel that confident just yet.
So...Thanks God! Two Thumbs UP!
I guess I'm a lot more powerful, than I give myself credit for.
I man, I fucking WON the fight!
How many people can say that, right?!
My search for a great electrical cardiologist continues.
My SAGA continues.
* photo of DEATH from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (I love this movie)
BTW- Dave says If he ever died before me, he gives me permission to go ahead and marry Keanu.
This makes me laugh.
Because Keanu is WAY too cool and all around awesome, to like me, this I'm sure of.