my history of course, as one of the worst fucking days EVER!
I went to see several doctors today- all in one place.
I had FOUR sonograms done, 12 x-rays, I was there for over five fucking HOURS!
But this- is not what made the day so unbelievably fucking horrible.
I had a strange creepy guy- do the sonogram.
Never ever had a guy sonogram technician- always female.
And for good reason.
I should've known the fucking second I walked into this doctors office, that every fucking doctor there would be seeing me naked. I should've known. Seriously.
Naked is one thing, violated is another.
The first sonogram, was of my heart. I could tell this guy liked me- oh joy lucky fucking me.
Then sonogram of the thyroid.
All of it was painful.
Afterwards, technicians usually hand YOU the towels to wipe off the fucking goo- they put on you for the sonogram.
Not this guy...oh no not this guy.
He wiped it off my breast by himself. YUP!
And groped my boob.
At first I was gonna just laugh this off, as some crazy experience by a horny older guy.
By the way, Dave was in this room at the time- making sarcastic banter with this guy. Dave hated this guy from the minute their eyes met.
I wish he had let me know this. Maybe I would've left. Just maybe.
After EKG, blood tests galore and 12 X-rays- including chest, back, shoulders, arms you name it ( done by a woman- PHEW!)
Then they sent me back into the sonogram room- for yet...more...sonograms??
I asked him, if my husband had left or if he was still in the office.
He told me, Dave had left. I figured it was true because he had to be home to pick up Lee from the school bus.
The first was of my neck, the arteries and such...
Then came the "lower extremities" Is how he put it.
Hmmm? huh? what?
He needed to do a sonogram of my inner thigh to see if there was a blood clot.
And that's when I felt...when have I felt- this feeling this before????
He was breathing weird the entire time, taking long deep breaths.
Then lifted my panties- There was no need for this.
Though I said nothing. Just laid there.
I have been molested before, sadly. And people that have been through this before- will tell you it's not easy to say something or yell or scream- or protest.
I can't explain it. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's your mind going someplace far away and safe, pretending like it's not happening.
I don't know.
When he was done with the sonogram, he started getting the paper towels.
I took the paper towels from him, knowing what was going to happen next. And told him "I'll take it from here".
I went to the waiting room because they were gonna hook me up to an event recorder (24 heart monitor) and I still hadn't seen the heart doctor yet.
I saw David sitting there holding my coat, I ran to him.
I was shocked! I thought he had left!
He then told me he had to go home, to pick up Levi.
He asked me if I was okay. I anwsered "Yes".
While still trying to figure out what just happened.
Was I making a big deal out of nothing? Did I imagine this?
Like I was in a coma or something.
It was denial.
I saw the heart doctor, and he told me I have thyroid disease. What kind? We don't know yet.
He said I would have to come back Thursday for a thorough stress test.
Oh FUCK! I'm thinking great- I'm gonna drop dead right fucking there on the fucking treadmill. I don't FUCKING RUN!
My chest hurts so much I can barely breathe.
I was supposed to get hooked up for the event monitor afterwards- but I was kind of in a daze- a hungry, exhausted, what the fuck just happened- kinda daze.
I stepped outside- leaving without the event recorder- I was walking across the street to the bagel shop when I saw it was closed and quickly turned around to go back to the sidewalk- this took no longer than TWO FUCKING SECONDS!
And some crazy fucking chick driving- pokes her head out of her vehicle to scream at me "Get out of the fucking street asshole!!!"
I didn't scream back- because I knew I had the light, and I wasn't just hanging out in the middle of the street. I knew this bitch was fucking insane.
I tried to brush the whole fucking miserable day off.
I started feeling really depressed. Really really depressed.
Things like this- "regular" people don't handle very well-
but bipolars we try to kill ourselves. We don't "handle" anything correctly.
I thought some bad fucking thoughts while walking home.
I stopped by the pharmacy- and ended up buying a lottery ticket from the cashier. I told her " I've had such a shitty fucking day- something good has got to happen right?! Some luck?!
She just laughed and handed me the ticket.
I got home, obviously not feeling quite "myself".
I went straight to the bathroom, locked the door and took a long bath and cried.
I finally came into the living room, where Dave and Kayla were awaiting a diagnosis or something.
I had debated whether or not to tell Dave what happened.
I pictured Dave killing the technician and going to jail and then me visiting him in jail with my two kids.
This thought wouldn't seem very far-fetched if you knew Dave.
He knew something wasn't right and joked to me "What did the technician fondle you?" In a joking tone.
I just looked at him.
And he knew.
He started calling numbers- filing complaints.
I didn't want to do any of this- I didn't want to be interviewed and questioned.
I didn't want to think about it.
The question I've always always been asked, WHY, oh why didn't you say something?!
I don't have an answer. I can't explain why. I just... didn't.
Calls were made- and the technician won't be there Thursday when I go in there to die- I mean, take the stress tests and then get hooked up to the event recorder for 24 hours.
Dave asked me- What do I want to happen?
I have no clue- I wished today never happened, that's for sure.
What happens next, I don't know.
I'm shaking as I'm writing this- because it's a big big deal to me.
But I feel it should be shared- because women that have been through this need to know- I understand why they didn't speak out, shout or protest, I don't judge you at all.
I feel horrible for you- because I understand.
I cannot watch any movie, TV show, you name it that mentions a woman getting attacked- or even worse shows it.
Everyone thought I was so strange for this, that I took these things so personally- I would spiral every single time.
You have no idea how common it is in movies and t.v. shows now. To me- It's really really sickening. REALLY SICKENING. And completely unnecessary.
I especially HATE when men write stories, screenplays or whatnot about these things happening.
They have NO CLUE what it's like- so please SHUT THE FUCK UP.
So that was my miserable fucking day.
*no fucking photo needed.
I do send kisses to all my fellow female readers out there.
BTW- Did I mention my phone- went off for NO REASON after my first sonogram, playing the song "Fuck YOU 2" by Bif Naked! I have this song on my phone, Dave was holding it for me in my purse- and it just went off by itself!!!
I couldn't believe it. How fucking appropriate, right?!