I HATE everything-

Okay- that's not completely true.

But do you ever have days like that?!


I know I had that yesterday. I wasn't hating on other people or anything- just myself. I have been depressed lately- the low points of being bipolar- these things happen I know- but I fight it the whole way.


I took Vi and Lee to the playground yesterday with Violet's therapist and I had a great time. Like everything I do with the kiddios, I HAVE to take photos. Luckily I got a great deal on a lens for my favorite camera on eBay- since my back-up camera is dying- I wasn't left with any choice. But I'm very happy to have my fave camera back and running. It's a little beat up, but it still works- thank goodness.
I also had Kayla take some photos of Lee and me.


I really know I'm depressed when I start looking at the photos and start picking myself apart.
I hate this- I hate that. Basically I'm hating the way I look entirely.
I feel like I'm going through puberty again- I'm look so awkward and shit. It's so frustrating!
Of course Dave tells me it's all in my head, I look great- yada yada yada.


It's like a demon in my head-just feeding all my insecurities. It's so hard fighting back.
I feel like burning all my old clothes- but I have none to replace them with. This is always how my eating disorder starts. It's not going to happen this time- for several reasons- one, I have kids to look after- two, I have too many people "policing" me right now. Which is a good thing- when it comes to me and my self-destructive qualities. I admit that.


And then I look at other people with all this confidence. I envy them. And yes- I do have days where I feel confident- but than I'll see a photo of myself- and all that confidence will fade away in a flash.


I want a total makeover- I really do- a total "mind, body and spirit" makeover.


Besides all this- I'm having night after night of nightmares. All very bizarre. One of last night's nightmares- was that I was the worst at everything I tried. I was laughed at and made fun of by everyone. It was so frustrating. I kind of feel like that at times. That I suck at nearly everything. I know this is all self-hating talk but it's what going through my sick mind at the moment. I feel like hiding under a rock- till this awkward stage is finally over. I feel like I go through this stage so often. Where nothing feels like it's working right.

Depression and me- it's such a bizarre relationship. It really is. Because even though I was having such a good time at the playground, watching Violet explore and have fun, the minute I get back home- the sadness and frustration come right back like the good things in the day never happened. I know these feelings of mine aren't logical in anyway, shape or form- but it's a real feeling- my brain makes it feel real.


When I was a kid, around 3 or 4 years old, I remember not being able to tell the difference between dreams and reality. Sometimes that still happens to me- where I feel dreams bleeding into days, bleeding into my reality. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, what's really happening and what isn't.


I know you're probably thinking- I'm crazy. And truthfully- you're completely right.
I am crazy- straight up. I'm not denying it.


And I have yet to meet people that feel the same way as me. That have the trouble I have with telling the difference between dreams and reality- unless they're junkies- then they understand me perfectly. But I'm not a junkie- so what's my excuse??? And I certainly wasn't a three year old junkie- so really what's wrong with me? What three year old has to ask themselves- if something is really happening or not?


For all I know, that happens to my daughter, and she can't tell me this because she cannot speak. I know my kids could be bipolar. I also know my kids could be schizophrenic- because that also runs in my husband's family. There's all the things I keep a look out for. I'm not scared of them- I just want to be aware. If it happens to my kids I don't want them being afraid- I want to teach them how to handle these things. Not that I'm so great at that. But no one knew how to help me when I was younger.


And so much such was happening inside my head when I was a little kid- I didn't share with anyone- because I didn't know how. I KNEW I was different from everyone- every single person I met- I knew I thought differently- my mind worked differently. I kind of dumbed myself down to get along with people. I'm not saying my friends where stupid or anything like that- they were typical kids- with typical kid's thoughts- I on the other hand- had so much going on inside my head- a lot of my thoughts were very dark and eerie.


When I think of my childhood, it's mostly dark. And it's not my mom's fault- she was a great mom and my mom's family showed me nothing but love. My dad on the other hand- well that's a completely different story- and maybe if I ever sit down, have the time and finally write a book, maybe I'll have the courage to talk about. But I feel a blog isn't the place for that right now.


Bipolar in most cases- "activates" in people in their twenties usually- or even teens.
I feel it can happen way earlier- I feel I was born bipolar- at no point did it get activated. Sure in my twenties I went full on manic- and dangerous. But there were things going on way earlier than that for me. Bipolar's onset can also caused by trauma. That is also a possibility for me.


Either way a lot of things I've experienced-have shaped me into the person I am today- well that is and isn't completely true. I shaped myself into the person I am today.
If I let my childhood dictate the parent I would become- than I would probably be a really shitty parent. But I fought that every step of the way.
I've always promised myself to be the best freaking parent I can possibly be- and even better.
I see all the mistakes people have made with their children- and I fight to never ever let that happen to my kids. They will always come first, before me-always!


Given no matter how great a parent you are, whatever your child is meant to become he or she will, despite your greatest efforts. But I strive to give my kids the best childhood they can have- so at least I know I did my part in raising them. I have no clue what's in store for my kids- who they will become- or who they are meant to be.


I fight everyday against myself- to try to not put myself down in front of my kids- I never want my kids to hate themselves. My daughter kisses the mirror when she sees her reflection- I want that thing to stay that way- I'd rather she be vain- than hate herself. I want her to always feel beautiful. Same for my son.


Sorry this is such a long blog post.


Don't worry... my book will be much much longer- and it'll finally have some answers- if I have the balls to write about everything. We'll see, won't we?





Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo i found on the net- seemed fitting.