Wearing down

Tonight was a night of horrors. I'm pretty sure a few hours ago, my son had a small seizure. Yup, you heard me. I called the doctor, don't worry- and no I didn't go to emergency. Frankly I'm terrified of hospitals, not because I practically live there most of the time, but because ....how'd my doctor put it? Oh yea, I'm the poster child for things that can go wrong in a hospital.
I can't step into a hospital without thinking of MRSA. For those of you who don't know what this is you should be grateful.
My son and I, on the other hand know it all to well.
Just so you know, hospitals- are COVERED in this. It is a type of penicillin resistant, staph infection. And it can kill.
My son and I contracted this when he was born. I was put on emergency high dose antibiotics through an I.V. TWICE because it was killing my body.
So yeah, I'm deathly afraid of hospitals. When I go in for something, I sometimes come out with something else entirely. Scary, I know.
So instead, I'm choosing to take him to the doctor tomorrow.
And tomorrow BTW is my sister's Birthday! She turns 20!!!
I'm worried for my children, both of them.
My throat's been hurting me so bad for days now, and seems to get worse. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Most likely I'm sick from the mold in my room.
I've been under a lot of stress, A LOT.
I haven't had anytime to take care of myself. And I'm not complaining- all I want is for my kids to get better. And if that takes up every single second of the day and night so be it.
I've been in a fog these past few days. My vision's a little blurry, I feel weak, but I still push through, always.
My family has mentioned to me, that I'm getting thin again, and asked if they should be concerned.
That is usually a HUGE wake-up call for me. Like WARNING, things get bad after this if ignored.
Truthfully, I lack any desire for food. I eat because things are getting blurry, and my stomach growling. Not because I enjoy it, or even want it. It kind of repulses me at times.
Also Dave has been diagnosed with Diabetes, and my dad is too. So we have way healthier food here, not much sugar. And really, I live off sugar, and salt.
I know, it's bad but I feel like so many of my old go-to foods have been banned from the house. I know they are technically allowed here, but I can't take the chance my dad or Dave would eat it.
I used to be an emotional eater, I was taught this as a child. Do you feel down?? Eat this, you'll feel better. It took a lot of hospitalizations to fix that. But now I'm an emotionally eater, the other way around. I don't want to eat when stressed.
There's just so much going on right now, no one can help me with.
And yes, I know you'll all going to say "You need to take care of yourself, blah blah blah". I am aware of this.
I know I gotta get my shit together. It's hard because most of the time, I feel alone. Like a one man army.
I go to court on Wednesday morning. The landlord wants the rest of the back rent I'm sure, but he ain't gonna get that. Not with all the damages.
I'm having a difficult time finding a good lawyer, that I don't have to pay till we win. Because we WILL win. This I know.
I just want money to be able to get the fuck out of the hellhole, we call a home. And to finally to able to give my children great health and happiness.
I pray every night for all my family, and all my friends.
I hope God will hear my prayers and better all our lives.


God bless you.