I know- busy day- three blogs in one day. It's insanity.
I'm so depressed right now, I have things I have to do, and all I want to do is sleep.
Violet and I have had a rough two days. I feel bad for her. She's having a really difficult time falling asleep lately (and of course- staying asleep).
Thoughts are spinning in my head. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to.
So I write to my imaginary friend- the Internet.
A lot of my friends don't understand what I'm going through. At times like these, I wish I had a functioning bipolar friend. Which sounds like an oxymoron. And maybe it is a fairytale.
All my old bipolar friends, are gone. And it's sad. Sometimes I feel like there is no happy ending for us bipolars. I hope there is. I pray there is.
But this overwhelming emptiness- is well...overwhelming. Usually there's no rhyme or reason- it just happens and even though I try fighting it with all I've got. It seems to get the best of me.
Probably me losing my hair, my shitty camera not working, and being told Violet needs A LOT of help, doesn't help my situation. But these things are minimal. Not huge. Yet I feel suffocated and find it hard to breathe- yet I'm not having a panic attack. It's straight up the ugly part of being bipolar, being depressed.
I wait and wait and wait for some type of mania to take over. But nothing happens.
And no, I don't want to be full blown manic- that's my demon.
Just a tad bit manic- the happiness part, wouldn't hurt. It's better to be a tiny bit manic then full blown depressed, for bipolars, at least, I feel this way.
Bad things happen to bipolars when full blown depressed AND full blown manic.
But there has to be some inbetween, right? Isn't there???
I haven't quite found it yet- but I must believe in it, like I believe God. And even though things make me question my faith all the time, everyday, I still must believe.
Hello to all my bipolars out there!
I'd love to hear from you.
First off, my dear friend, the issues you are dealing with are NOT small. And frankly anyone with zero bipolar tendencies would go through a rough spot with them. I often feel that it is possible to try too hard to be happy. Like, sometimes we're depressed and we need to just really feel it, process it, and start climbing out little by little. Wish there was something I could do ... some magic i could perform to help you but all I can say is you are not alone and give yourself the freedom to experience whatever it is you're experiencing. Writing about it in as much detail as possible will help you sort through the nuances.
ReplyDeleteYOURE NOT ALONE! XO
Thank you my darling. It helps a lot!
ReplyDeletelove you!!!
Babe, I am going through a lot myself and the lack of being able to improve myself due to monetary constraints is something I understand. You have more on your plate than I do but you can trust that you can come to me whenever you feel the need to vent or just talk to someone. I gotta tell you upfront, I dont want you to move. I know there has to be something that can be done. My mom is in charge of the paras at her high school and is always recommending things to people who have kids who need special education I can always go to her for resources should you need them. You can count on me.
ReplyDeleteThanks Natalia!!!!
ReplyDelete