Monday, October 4, 2010

Tired of fighting

Why does everything, ALWAYS have to be a fight?!
I'm fighting with my family, with my sister, with Dave- you name it.
Everyone's giving me their opinions of what I should do with my body.
Tomorrow I go to the hospital for -finally- my mammogram and goodness knows what other exams.
I'm fed up with everything.
Yes I'm depressed. Kind of hard to hide it.
But meanwhile- everyone comes to me with their depression and their problems to solve- when I can't even handle my own.
Today Violet saw a new school- They'll let me know tomorrow if she's accepted or not.
The school was beautiful and Violet looked really happy there.
I talked to their social worker at the school- and she asked me, after I told her my story- "How do you manage getting out of bed everyday?"
I replied "Not very well."
She nodded, and said she hoped Violet would be accepted into the school.
I slept during the day today- which I NEVER do.
When I got back from Violet's new school, my sister and Dave were fighting with me- I just gave up- soaked in a hot bath and went to sleep.
If I could sleep all day- wow- that would be a dream come true.
I just want to crawl into a hole- and hide-never to see anyone ever again.
Do you ever feel like that?
I'm physically exhausted- my body aches.

I'll let youknow what happens tomorrow.
I hope they have an answer- instead of the very technical phrase Doctor's use:"We don't know why"- meaning "Now be on your way! Shoo already!!!"

Kisses Bitches!

1 comment:

  1. Oh... Beans! I'm so sad to see you so upset but I understand how you feel.

    You're overworked, that's for sure. And on top of that, you're a woman, and as women and mothers everyone seems to need our help to do everything. I don't know why that is but it seems to be almost universal. I'm still waiting to meet a man who's not the equivalment of a baby in my life... and as you know as of today am single. LOL.

    When it comes to your health, only you know what's wrong with you. I'm sorry to say that very seldom will you see a doctor who will actually try to get to the core of what the issue is, mostly because it involves analyzing the symptoms against complete physical stats, lifestyle and personality and frankly doctors today don't get to know us all that well. And to make it even more difficult, the symptoms for many ailments are very similar (headaches, fever, nausea, exhaustion) because the body has certain set ways of fighting all that afflicts it. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't expect any answer from your doctor but do take copies of all your test results and then look it up online yourself. You'll be surprised how much more you'll learn that way.

    sigh. I've been feeling exhausted lately too. I think that for me it's living in the city that's wearing me down. I hate going out to get a loaf of bread and being confronted with noisy traffic, catcalling, people cutting me off, stepping in gum, etc. Can't I just get my bread in peace??? Apparently not. That's why I'm working on relocating outside city limits. I'm done and I'm doing something about it.

    If you have relatives somewhere outside NYC that you can stay with for a while, maybe you can take Dave and the kids and go out there for some R&R.

    I do hope it gets better, Beans. You are a much too talented and bright star to be so overwhelmed.