An almost nervous breakdown

I went to court yesterday, without a lawyer, because I was having a hard time finding one that would take the case.
Spent half the day there...to come out with nothing.
I'm still seeking a lawyer. My sister went to the epilepsy clinic today, to find out she may be having seizures throughout the night! Which is why she wakes up in a daze. I'm terrified. All I keep picturing is when I thought she was dead and not breathing. I'm so scared. Plus now my son seems to be having seizures as well, as of two nights ago.
I hate this fucking apartment!
So yeah, now my sister will have to stay in the hospital for three days next week. Her and I are never apart, so I'm going to be totally losing it.
And Levi will have to do the same thing Violet had done in the hospital.
In the midst of all this, I'm really really ill, and have no time to get better. I didn't even have time to see the doctor today.
Dave has to go to food stamps yet again, because they closed our case AGAIN. Saying they mailed us things they never ever did. Why are poor people ALWAYS fucked with?!
Levi's also in the middle of evaluations from several different types of therapists.
Because he is experiencing many delays. Which means he'll be getting hours of therapy a week as well.
And on top of that, I'm trying to make sure everyone's eating what they are supposed to be eating, since I have three diabetics here (Dave and my dad) and another(my sister) who NEEDS sugar, constantly I have to make sure her blood sugar doesn't get low because that also leads to her having seizures.
It all came tumbling down on me today. Like it all of a sudden hit me- all the pressure, and stress.
I just laid down on the floor crying to myself. The whole time trying to pull myself together.
So it wasn't a full meltdown, because believe me I've had quite a few of those in the past.
I just feel like this is TOO much. Too much for me to possibly handle, but I have to, there's no choice.
I've got to do a million and two things in the next few weeks. and I can't even get myself better.
ARGH!!!!
I NEED a miracle RIGHT NOW!!!!
God?! Anyone???



Hopefully a miracle is on it's way!!!


More to come.

Robots

I feel the need to be a robot. Maybe then I'd be able to do everything with ease and all by myself.
I could definitely use a robot, maybe robot nanny???? Like Rosie from the Jetsons.
Because I don't want a nanny, a person to take care of my children FOR me. I just want more help in my daily activities. I feel like a secretary or a personal assistant to my family most of the time, instead of a mom, or wife or even me really.
I keep dates, phone numbers, addresses, appointments all in my head. I bought two white boards to place these things onto, but not to help me, but to help my family, even know what's going on from day to day.
I'm running on less than half a tank of gas, with several body parts hurting me, I'm emotionally numb most of the time, and mentally drained.
And there's all the things I want to do but feel like I never get a chance, like making a single with my boy, Marco. He's a music genius, and we always have a great time together. I want to go check out my friends performances, since they are all different types of artists.
But most of the time, I'm having internal conversations with myself all day and night long. Things I would like to be sharing with others, but no one seems to be listening or want to listen.
For a bipolar, this is a lot to handle. Actually I feel it's a lot to handle for anyone, even for a regular Joe.
Everyone looks to me for the answers. Who do I look to?? I don't know.
I guess I'm getting a bit depressed. Not a lot, just a little bit.
I'll do my best to shake off the feeling. Not that I'm allowed to be depressed. I'm not even allowed to be sick, and rest- so why would I possibly have the time, to be depressed.
Anywhoo- this is my news for now.


Kisses Bitches.

Wearing down

Tonight was a night of horrors. I'm pretty sure a few hours ago, my son had a small seizure. Yup, you heard me. I called the doctor, don't worry- and no I didn't go to emergency. Frankly I'm terrified of hospitals, not because I practically live there most of the time, but because ....how'd my doctor put it? Oh yea, I'm the poster child for things that can go wrong in a hospital.
I can't step into a hospital without thinking of MRSA. For those of you who don't know what this is you should be grateful.
My son and I, on the other hand know it all to well.
Just so you know, hospitals- are COVERED in this. It is a type of penicillin resistant, staph infection. And it can kill.
My son and I contracted this when he was born. I was put on emergency high dose antibiotics through an I.V. TWICE because it was killing my body.
So yeah, I'm deathly afraid of hospitals. When I go in for something, I sometimes come out with something else entirely. Scary, I know.
So instead, I'm choosing to take him to the doctor tomorrow.
And tomorrow BTW is my sister's Birthday! She turns 20!!!
I'm worried for my children, both of them.
My throat's been hurting me so bad for days now, and seems to get worse. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Most likely I'm sick from the mold in my room.
I've been under a lot of stress, A LOT.
I haven't had anytime to take care of myself. And I'm not complaining- all I want is for my kids to get better. And if that takes up every single second of the day and night so be it.
I've been in a fog these past few days. My vision's a little blurry, I feel weak, but I still push through, always.
My family has mentioned to me, that I'm getting thin again, and asked if they should be concerned.
That is usually a HUGE wake-up call for me. Like WARNING, things get bad after this if ignored.
Truthfully, I lack any desire for food. I eat because things are getting blurry, and my stomach growling. Not because I enjoy it, or even want it. It kind of repulses me at times.
Also Dave has been diagnosed with Diabetes, and my dad is too. So we have way healthier food here, not much sugar. And really, I live off sugar, and salt.
I know, it's bad but I feel like so many of my old go-to foods have been banned from the house. I know they are technically allowed here, but I can't take the chance my dad or Dave would eat it.
I used to be an emotional eater, I was taught this as a child. Do you feel down?? Eat this, you'll feel better. It took a lot of hospitalizations to fix that. But now I'm an emotionally eater, the other way around. I don't want to eat when stressed.
There's just so much going on right now, no one can help me with.
And yes, I know you'll all going to say "You need to take care of yourself, blah blah blah". I am aware of this.
I know I gotta get my shit together. It's hard because most of the time, I feel alone. Like a one man army.
I go to court on Wednesday morning. The landlord wants the rest of the back rent I'm sure, but he ain't gonna get that. Not with all the damages.
I'm having a difficult time finding a good lawyer, that I don't have to pay till we win. Because we WILL win. This I know.
I just want money to be able to get the fuck out of the hellhole, we call a home. And to finally to able to give my children great health and happiness.
I pray every night for all my family, and all my friends.
I hope God will hear my prayers and better all our lives.


God bless you.

Operation Housewife: COMPLETED.

I've found out a lot of things this week, mainly about my apartment, I won't go into details, but I've known for years this place was killing us. It's just a bad place.
So I've been cleaning like a mad woman, this weekend. I'm going to be donating all old clothes, the kids clothes, toys, everything.
I always hated cleaning in the past.
Maybe because when growing up, my mother was a complete neat FREAK! Everything was spotless. My friends weren't allowed on my bed, in the living room, the toys had to be kept clean and tidy, the list goes on and on. She was obsessed, for sure.
So I hated cleaning. I thought you had to be crazy to enjoy it.
Turns out that might be true.
I have a lot running through my mind all day long, like an internal conversation, of things that need to get done, my feelings about such things, etc.
I used to be hot-tempered. REALLY REALLY hot-tempered. I threw stuff, smashed things, I was really damaging, not only to objects but also myself.
I changed that when I was pregnant with Violet. I knew I had to change for my baby. I didn't want her growing up seeing me react that way when I got upset.
And ever since then, I've really controlled myself and my emotions.
I was upset yesterday, while cleaning, not because I was cleaning, but because I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING, and not getting enough help day in and out.
So while mopping the kitchen, scrubbing and scrubbing, listening to my music blasting in my headphones, I felt like I was getting my anger out, in a positive way. No one was getting hurt, and at the end everything would be clean. That can't be bad right?
I think I've turned into those women who clean when they're angry. Weird, right?
I used to be this insanely ambitious person, usually manic, very career oriented, nothing could stop me. Now this person is still in me, but has been modified somewhat.
I'm now more family/community oriented. This is what drives me to better myself and things around me.
The things I want have changed, I now want a house ( or huge penthouse- that would do;) with a backyard/patio where I could have a garden to grow my own vegetables and herbs, a safe place for the kids to play and learn, neighbors I talk to and actually like, money to be able to pay bills with no worries, and my friends and family close by.
Before, I wanted world domination. Not joking, and if I continued being manic- I probably could have had it.
So yeah- maybe you do have to be crazy to enjoy cleaning. Good thing, I already am.


Kisses my clean, sexy bitches!!!

Short Gross story

Beware this may be considered gross for some of you.
Not the mommies out there, that's for sure.
My son has bad acid reflux, he's had it since he was born. He's taken Zantac twice a day ( before lunch and dinner) for awhile now. The doctor wanted to see if we could start taking him off the medication.
I did what he said and this is what happened.
My son tried Country Vegetable soup (baby food puree)for the first time, with no Zantac before hand. He was complaining and his teeth had been hurting him all day (teething of course), so we gave him some baby Motrin.
He was still complaining. I took him inside the bedroom and put him in his crib. He started gagging, and I picked him up, because I'd rather he puke on me than on his bed. So yeah, that's when the puking started. All over my shirt, my bra, under the shirt ( he threw up into my cleavage), than into Dave hands, then again on my shoulder and then when we thought he was done- he puked again- on the side of my FACE!
Now this Dave and I found incredibly funny and started hysterically laughing.
Then I had to give Levi and I a bath, for the second time today.
Now I don't find this gross because Levi's a baby, it was just a jar of baby food- not adult food. So it didn't smell or anything like adult puke.
This event is so typical Levi.
Anyways, that's my story. My advice- Never EVER trust a baby!!!

One of the worst days ever, like for sure.

I woke up exhausted, as per usual. But I literally forced myself out of bed today. I knew Violet was going to have picture day in school today, and I wanted her to look perfect.
The minute I entered the living room, I saw Kayla not looking so well. She said "My blood pressure's going up and down". I ran to her and before I could catch her, her passed out and fell face first to the floor. I freaked!
She took longer this time to wake up. I feel that she was having a seizure. But I one point I thought she stopped breathing! Her whole face lost all color. Her lips were white! I was so scared, I thought for a split second my sister was dead. I yelled to Dave, who was worried to but then saw her take a very shallow breath. We were both relieved. My heart cannot handle things like this. I felt horrible horrible pain in my legs and arms,wile I was holding her in my arms on the floor, and felt like I was going to vomit and pass out at the same time! I imagined my sister and I being wheeled to the emergency room, and I told myself "Get it together!!!!". Dave gave me and my sister a glucose tablet and some water, which made both of us feel a little bit better.
Kayla came to, finally after a good 5 minutes!
Four cops and two EMTS, showed up to our apartment, asking where the four year old that passed out was? We were all so confused and told them my sister was almost twenty years old, not four! To which they seemed relieved.
It caused quite a commotion in the building. Everybody's definitely talking about us now, for sure. My sister was then taken by ambulance to the hospital.
After this all happened, I still had to get Violet dressed and ready for picture day. BTW When the cops were here, all she did was stare at their walkie-talkies. SHE FUCKING wanted it so badly.
So she was pretty calm through the whole thing, Levi not so much, he was screaming.
I got Violet dressed and got her on her school bus. This whole time, I still felt like passing out.
Dave and I stayed up with Levi, who was going nuts the entire morning. After I got Violet off the bus, she went straight into therapy. Dave at that point was really exhausted, and was snapping at me and really really pissed. He looked like he was gonna kill me, so he decided to go to bed, so he would've totally snap. And from there, I had to take her to her sensory gym, that's about 10 blocks away. She was falling asleep, and her therapist and I were trying to keep her awake, because SHE LOVES her time in the sensory gym, it's awesome!
When we got there, we woke up her, she was screaming, then I had to take her drink away, because no drinks or food is allowed at the gym, which lead to Violet having a total meltdown, then it starts storming outside. I had no umbrella, no cash, no nothing! And she was still screaming! I had to stay with her during her therapy, and run after her repeatedly.
When we were about to leave, the sun came out, thank goodness!!! And I practically ran, pushing Violet in the stroller home.
I got home, and just broke down crying. Thinking about my sister being dead... Kayla can never leave me, she's my baby, I don't know what I'd do without her.
I was literally having a panic attack all day long. ALL DAY.
This has been a bad fucking day. I'm so fucking tired, emotionally and physically.
Kayla will be going to a neurologist very shortly.
We're all watching her like a hawk, she's never going to be alone. It's too scary.
So yeah, this day was one of the worst ever, like for sure.


Kisses bitches!

Hopefully some good news will come soon.
Pray for us.

DAMN that ASS!

So this post is mainly about jeans...and asses, cuz that's just the way things roll.
I have the hardest time finding a good- and inexpensive great pair of jeans. I'm not willing to throw down $100 for a stupid pair of denim.
It never ever fits the hips and the waist at the exact same time. It's a huge problem for girls with asses. I love big butts, even when I was a teeny weeny teenager. Sorry small butt girls, you just ain't my style.
I hate when a pair of jeans gives "pancake ass". When the ass has been shmushed into the legs by the jeans, giving flat ass. I like a great pair of jeans that gives a great big bubble butt. Something JUICY, ya know. You big girls feel me.
I remember way back when, Marco and I would walk through the city, checking out chicks. It was hilarious. His question to me always "You'd hit that?"
Of course, my response would be "Yeeeeeeeah, I'd hit that!!!" And we'd laugh hysterically.
He always loved junk in the trunk- yeah I'm totally outing you Marco, tough titties!
I kind of looked up to Marco when I was a kid. He was a rocking DJ, lived in clubs (with me by his side usually), had the coolest clothes, the hottest chicks, he was big pimpin', no doubt. I forever have him in my heart and in my head, he's my boy.
Through him and Dave, I learned slowly to like my curves, and not want to be boyish.
At least not in the behind area. As for the tits, I still want to be flat chested, it's my thing. I envy those with itty bitty titties. If you've read my past blogs, you know why.
And to those of you, who have no clue what I'm talking about. I've mentioned before I was bisexual for all of my life (yes ALL) till I got married. Now my sexuality is MARRIED. That's it.
Back on to my original topic. So yeah, finding a good well fitting pair of jeans is difficult. If any of you have a good suggestion for jeans, let me know, I'm all ears!!!

Holla to all the juicy butts out there!!!
Kisses to my sexy bitches!!!

Yesterday was a long day.

Yesterday was a very long day.
Violet got sick from the hospital, and later that day got a fever and a bad sinus infection. She felt horrible.
I was able to get an emergency appointment with her doctor. Levi had an appointment the same day, because I needed a form for WIC to be filled out by their doctor.
Violet got high dose antibiotics, and Levi got a check up as well.
I've been saying to many many people, that I feel Levi is not where he's supposed to be developmentally. And still, even after everything I've been through with Violet, people still think I'm paranoid. I've also been noticing Levi's left eye going in a totally different direction than his right eye.
So the doctor, looked at him, asked me many questions, and saw what I saw.
He told me to contact Early intervention (the services my daughter gets) for Levi to get evaluated RIGHT AWAY. I hadn't even mentioned to him at that point, that I felt he was behind.
He told me Levi also had a lazy left eye. And that everything I've been feeling was spot on.
This doctor is our family doctor. Dave also sees him. The doctor asked me why Dave hasn't come for a follow up to his physical? I asked him if Dave was diabetic. The doctor said "Yes".
And then told me, how he's sure Dave wants to be around for me and the kids and he has to change his ways now, if he wants to be able to be around for us.
It was quite a shock for Dave, when we got home and I told him the news.
So now he's way more serious about getting healthy, thank goodness.
Man, my family's been having it rough. Just tonight Violet puked. She feels terrible.
I feel terrible that my kids are sick all the time. And now I find out, what Dave and I have thought for years, is true. There is mold in my apartment, and that's definitely making us sick.
I wish we could get out of here so badly. I want the best for my kids and I feel like I'm not giving it to them by being in this apartment. I hope the landlord makes a huge turnaround, and offers a juicy buyout. I would move to a place with a backyard, where I can have a garden, know my neighbors.
Here's to wishing. Anyone know an affordable lawyer?? Or at least a lawyer that works pro-bono???

Let me know!!!!

Kisses my beautiful and crazy bitches!!!

Huggies almost killed my baby

YEP!
I'm sorry it took me so long to write this. This actually happened March 27th, the same day my sister was rushed to the hospital.
That morning I woke up to my son gagging, I thought he was throwing up. I got up so quick form the bed and ran to him in the crib. He was gagging. I saw something white deep in his mouth and throat. I was able to pry it out of his mouth, thank goodness. He was shook up. But eventually he calmed down.
It was a loose piece from the diaper. The whole package of huggies we bought from Costco was defective, and had loose pieces in the diaper.
So to all parents of kids in diapers out there, CHECK the diaper before you put it on. Don't ever take it for granted that they are safe.
I contacted Huggies that day. They don't me they were very sorry, and would send "a generous compensation". This "generous compensation" for my son almost dying, was a three coupons for a free package of huggies and three coupons for three dollars off diapers!!! WOW.
What a slap in the face. I wasn't expecting anything, I just wanted them to be aware that this CAN happen. and DID happen.
So beware of all diapers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace, love and baby bottles
More to come...

House Inspection

We went to court a week ago, I know I didn't mention it, because the landlord was trying to evict us yet again.
Don't worry, we're still here, he didn't win. We had told the judge there were many damages in our apartment, to which the judge (who was AWESOME) sent inspectors to our house to search for mold and lead. They just came, and we found out there's mold in my bedroom, where my kids and us sleep.
Besides that, we don't know if there is lead in the house yet, but we'll find out in 10 days when we get the report. I think there is.
They were very nice and very thorough, they had kids themselves, so they understood our worries.
My ceiling in my bedroom has mold due to the lousy job the painters did last year.
Maybe now, when we go back to court, the landlord will offer us a fabulous buyout.
Because I'm ready to nail this fucker to the cross.
AMEN!


More to come...hopefully great news!

Violet's hospital stay

Dave and I stayed overnight in the hospital last night with our daughter Violet.
It was probably one of the longest day/night's ever.
Thank goodness Shannon was there with us when we got there. She keep Violet busy with games and toys.
Then it came time to "hook" Violet up. This was to test if Violet was having any seizures that were keeping her from sleeping.
26 wires were hooked up to Violet. During that time Shannon and I worked hard to keep her occupied. I brought a portable DVD player with me that I borrowed from my aunt, but the battery died 5 minutes into Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (her fave show of all time). So Shannon and I sang, counted, did everything we could think of. Dave was getting Violet something to drink, and couldn't be let into he room, because then it would disrupt the process.
Violet cried and cried. In the end her head was wrapped tightly, then all the wires were wrapped, which connected to a heavy small bag that she had to carry like a messenger bag, which then attached to a wall monitor. She was under video surveillance the entire stay.
After the crying she eventually calmed down, especially when she saw the playroom.
I thought- wow, it's not that bad. But then I found out the playroom closed at 6 P.M!!! Which is nowhere near the time she goes to sleep. And it didn't open until 10 A.M! Dave and I were jumping trying to entertain her for 14 hours in a very tiny room!!!! She slept better there than at home, she still woke up every 5 minutes but she did go back to sleep until about 5 A.M. We were exhausted, mentally and physically. I had not been feeling well for days now, and Dave was still sick with a sinus infection- so we were not up to par at all.
The rest of the day we spent chasing her because she wanted to run all over the pediatric neurology unit.
The doctor eventually came and told us, she's not having seizures, but they need to do more testing. Probably an MRI, eventually and she had her blood taken twice for genetic testing, to make sure her autism won't get worse.
I told the doctor my kids and I are always sick, we get sick every month. To which, FINALLY, a doctor said "That's not normal. We have to find out what's wrong."
Thank GOD! So both my children and I, hopefully soon will be having more tests done. And hopefully get some FUCKING answers.
Violet is a warrior, she is amazing. Everyone loved her there. Thank you to all the wonderful nurses that helped us during our stay. Thank you to Shannon and my awesome social worker, and honorary family member, Michelle, for coming, showing support and helping us through this difficult times. We loved you both so much.

*photo of my princess and her lovey, Gorilla.

Peace, love and baby bottles,
Till next time.

Emo Potheads

So for awhile now my apartment has been reeking of this shitty fucking weed smell. And no it's not from my apartment, it's from these stupid emo teenagers who smoke this shitty fucking horrible cheap smelling weed on their fire escape, in my building's courtyard.
So they were out today, smoking the shitty stuff, stinking up my apartment- for the LAST TIME. I have Dave open my parent's window- because it's way too heavy for me- to be able to shout at them. And this is what I said "Hey!!! You're stinking up my fucking apartment with your shitty fucking weed. BUY better FUCKING WEED!!!!"
To which point they giggled- because they're fucking high. Then pointed to their friend- I guess the one that bought the crap stuff, and ran indoors. Then One of my neighbors yelled "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"
I guess the whole building felt the same way!
AMEN!
Stupid fucking emo potheads. Don't get me wrong, I'm very Pro-weed. But not shitty crap weed. Fuck that shit!

Just thought I'd share that.

Kisses Bitches!

Yesterday's madness

Yesterday was a horrible day. Just plain old bad day.
I had taken both my parents to the doctor. That went fine. But before I had to leave the house I felt sooo super hungry but I had no time to eat.
So by the time I got back, I was starving. By the time I finally got to eat, I got really dizzy. Like I was going to pass out.
I mentioned this to Dave, he got instantly terrified, and jumped up off the couch. He saw that my sister hadn't stopped eating and seemed unfazed, so he got enraged and smacked her in the back of the head. Then my mom started screaming at him. And an all out fight occurred.
See Dave has quite a temper. He goes from 0-60 extremely fast. This can cause problems.
I know, from experience, when he gets like this, I back off, and wait till the time is right to talk to him about what just happened. And just about always, he later sees what went wrong, and apologizes for losing his temper.
My mom doesn't know this- so she'll confront him right away- which then escalates really really quickly. And then I have to referee the fight to make sure they don't kill each other. Just to let you know Dave and my mom love each other very much. But they butt heads a lot of the time. Leading to extra stress for me.
Despite all this, we actually enjoy living together. I take care of everyone, the cooking, cleaning, making appointments, the shopping. We're a hive.
I count on my mother and Kayla to help me with my children. Without them, I'd be a wreck.
Anyway back to what I was saying before. So Dave and my mom really got into it. Dave leaves the room once he knows I'm not going to faint, to try to calm down.
My mom feels I take Dave's side a lot of the time. And I really don't. I do know that Dave needs to learn to control his temper, and that's it's not okay whatsoever. But my mom also needs to learn NOT to confront someone who's really enraged at the time. And to talk about it when the person has calmed down.
Dave apologized to Kayla later when he cooled down. And Kayla and him are okay now, they're like brother and sister. They are very very close.
But everyone does worry about his temper.
I had a talk with him last night, and he knows he has to work on this right away.
I grew up terrified of my father's temper. He hated me as a child. It's okay- I've more or less moved beyond this now. I have way more issues with him than this.
But yeah, he hated the attention I got from my mom. And therefore hated me. Whenever my mom would leave, he would take the time to terrorize me.
So I was deathly afraid of him for most of my life. Until I realized I could fight back- and WIN!
I take care of him now, even after everything he's done to me. He's gotten older, and forgetful. He's almost like a child of mine now. A defiant child, for sure.
So I worry about my children. I don't want them being afraid of their dad's temper. I know he would never ever hurt them, because unlike my father, he loves his children, and he loves me.
I'm posting this because this is something I'm going through. And I don't want anyone thinking this is written to make Dave look bad, quite the opposite, he's working on this problem, and he's an excellent father. The best I've ever known.

Kisses my beautiful bitches, just keepin' it real like always.

Till next time.

Short true story...

Last night while Dave and I were in the bedroom trying to put the kids to sleep, Dave was lying on his side on the bed. He rolled over to his back- and farted. Then rolled back to his side. He realized there had been a paper plate underneath his ass when he farted. Then took the plate and while handing it to me said "I served this for you".
We both cracked up laughing.
This is marriage. Point blank.

Recently

So my hair's growing back, thus far, and I've been able to workout again. So far so good. I don't know what's different.
I still have doctor's appointments a plenty but these past few weeks haven't been so bad. It has nothing to do with stress because I've been under even more stress lately than before.
Though my memory is out the window. I keep forgetting things, and it's a little to late in the game to be going through "Mommy brain".
I'm trying to get Dave to work out with me, the doctor's orders, occasionally he does. His doctor says he needs to make an immediate "lifestyle" change. Diet, exercise, the whole deal. Which is difficult for Dave, I know this, because he is a creature of habit. But little by little he's getting better.
I've been extra exhausted lately, with the working out and little sleep. By the time my head hits the pillow I can't move. I think the sleep deprivation is playing a role in my memory loss. I have two white boards in my living room, with things I need to remember written down.
These past few days, the weather has been awesome! I love hot weather! But Levi is taking some time adjusting. He hasn't been eating that much, or drinking and he overheated a few days ago, and was trembling. It scared the shit out of Dave and I. Now when we go out I have to force cold liquid down his throat to make sure that doesn't happen again.
I'm so overwhelmed most of the time, not knowing if I'm coming or going.
And lately Dave has been talking how having more kids- TWO to be exact!
I'm like- "HELL FUCKING NO! Are you NUTS?! I can't handle TWO! You want me to handle FOUR?!" He's out of his mind truthfully. If it was up to him now- I'd already have fourteen kids. I'd be barefoot and pregnant ALL the damn time!
See pregnancy- is the easy part, I'm happy and glowing, and cheerful, then comes the lack of sleep and the crying and the screaming and the fighting. I'm no fool.
And yes I love my children. I'm not saying down the road I don't want any more kids, but I need HELP with the ones I have now. What would I do with more????
Plus I was near death, not once, but twice, after I gave birth to Levi!!!
That fucking traumatized me. And man, Dave is SO super sweet and nice when I'm pregnant, I wish it could be like that always. But I'm only special when I'm caring his baby. FUCK! Plus I've been seeing pregnant women EVERY where- it must be a huge baby boom this year, DAMN!

That's the news for now.
Kisses Bitches!!!

ARGH!

So last night I had nightmares. I woke Dave up, which I rarely do, for nightmares that is, and ...get this...cuddled. I DON'T cuddle. I'm not an affectionate person really. So it scared me bad, and I felt like maybe with my face pressed up against his back- because he's not used to me asking to cuddle- maybe then the nightmares wouldn't continue. They were very vivid. I don't remember all of it, but I do remember demons being in my dreams and instead of fighting them, I just gave in.
And I was pissed off in my dream because I knew I SHOULD be fighting, but I didn't.
I didn't get what my dream meant until a few minutes ago. I'll explain.
Today was Violet's CPSE meeting. For those of you who don't know- that's Committee for Preschool Special Education- through the Board of Ed.
My oh my, I had such high hopes for this meeting. I wanted for Violet to continue her home services, even after going to a new school.
I was shut down the minute the words left my mouth, at the meeting.
Thank goodness for Shannon, Violet's ABA therapist was there sitting right next to me. Without her- I would have cried. The new school wanted her to start, to my surprise, THIS COMING MONDAY!!! Instead of the summer, like we had planned.
And that would mean NO more Shannon, no more speech, no more occupational therapy- the whole shabang- WHOOSH- GONE! Starting Monday?!
Were they crazy?!
I was able to get it pushed till the end on June- but I'm beside myself, thinking What am I going to do without these wonderful people???
I find myself thinking- I should have fought harder- screamed, anything- to get what Violet needed. But I felt all this red tape in the way!!!
I mean- does anyone know about SO many of the Early Intervention (kids age newborns to 3 years old) services being CUT!!! By Governor Patterson??!!!
He cut these amazing services for these AMAZING kids who need them so badly- to save money!!! This is the WORST IDEA ever!!! And I can't believe it went through!!!
Why doesn't anyone know about this??? Why isn't this on the news???
The rate of kids with Autism is 1 out of 100 now, and they CUT these services- that help these wonderful children. Fuck THAT!
I would apologize for my rage- but no, this is justified. What Patterson did was WRONG!
And now the Board of Ed, is cutting back on services as well. This is infuriating!
So now I see what my dream meant- I didn't fight. I just let it happen.
Technically I DID fight- just not hard enough. I felt helpless, hopeless.
But now, I know I'm not going to give up- I'm going to be on this guy's back until he sees what I see. That my daughter NEEDS these extra therapies, and that she is making progress by leaps and bounds with their help.

I'm preparing for battle. I got my war paint. It's ON, bitches!

Sex. Nuff said.

Yeah I said it. SEX!
Now this wouldn't be a very good bipolar blog without talking about the obvious.
Sex.
Most bipolar are nymphomaniacs. Bipolars are extreme. Which means they have addictions- be it drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, you name it.
I had it all except the gambling part. Which is funny because gambling addiction runs on my father's side of the family.
Truthfully, I don't remember a lot of my past lovers. Maybe they sucked. Most probably sucked.
It was surprising how many men have no clue how to have good sex. Really NO CLUE.
It's kind of sad.
The best lovers, are always Latin. Sorry white people. But you suck in bed in general. Not to say ALL Latins are good in bed. I do remember the worst sexual experience I ever had. His was Latin and skinny, and I won't mention his name, just in case he's reading this. That would be unfair to him.
He was too technical- no passion. It bored me- I just wanted it to be over.
I remember he said to me very ridiculously funny things to me in bed- not on purpose either. I weighed 109 lbs at the time. I don't lie about my weight- it's stupid.
And he asked me in the middle of it how much I weighed!!! I laughed!!!
I told him 109 lbs. At which point he said- "you feel heavier!" I laughed so hard!!!
He was serious!!! He must've been like 90 lbs. What a wuss.
The next day- I couldn't get out of there fast enough! He wanted me to meet his family- and I was just looking to leave as soon as possible!
He wanted a relationship- but at this point- set aside the horrible sex- I just wasn't feeling that at the moment. I moved from one person to the next- just to fill time. I had sex out of boredom. And they were all beautiful looking people- sucked royally in bed.
I remember one guy, millionaire BTW- a son of a famous Broadway producer, he was insanely bipolar, we'll call him "J". He cycled every other second. Every time was had sex, he'd say to me "Don't I have the biggest cock you've ever seen?" At which point I said "No"- he'd get so pissed! What a whack job! I said this because that was the truth. The biggest I ever seen- was a WHITE Man's dick- it was easily 10". I know- he was bad in bed also. No clue what he was doing. That's why men shouldn't feel bad about their size- because you can be good in bed- no matter what size truthfully. So "J" and I drank and partied, and tried everything in bed. Still I thought he sucked. I just used him to pass the time. I stopped seeing him, when I got bored. Which was quickly. Again, he wanted a relationship, wanted me to meet his parents. That was probably the kiss of death to me. That's when I knew I had to bolt!
I was always one foot out the door when the sex was done. I'd make up some excuse to leave- even if it was 3 A.M.
Yeah I know- to this day I'm like a guy. I rarely cuddle or have time for foreplay.
I don't talk about Dave in bed because that's tacky. But I will say this- he is the best lover I've ever had and that's saying A LOT! From day one- he rocked.
One of the many reasons we're still together. Bad sex is a deal breaker, no doubt.
My book, when I eventually sit down and write it, will go into a lot of detail about my sexual experiences because that's the juicy part.

So for now. Just do it- but do it justice!!!

Kisses to all my sexy, crazy bitches! MEOW!

Tired and Cranky.

I'm tired of being tired.
Most of you know by now- my children don't sleep. They eventually do fall asleep but NEVER EVER stay asleep.
This leads to Dave and I being tired all the time.
Coffee is my friend. Dave is a connoisseur of all energy drinks, shots and vitamins.
He is a TRUE caffeine addict. We've tried to get him off this addiction a few times- but that leads to HELL. I don't care if I'm an enabler- I don't like Dave acting like a Cunt.
It takes him awhile to go through complete withdrawal- and I can't go through that again. Plus- what else can we do to stay awake???
He's exhausted all the time. Tired all the time- no matter how much he naps.
And his doctors don't listen to me- when I explain there's a serious problem.
I don't nap. That's my thing- I can't sleep during the day- it completely throws me off. The only time I do nap is when I'm really, really sick.
Dave is night shift- technically. Though I have yet to sleep through a night. There's always one of the kids finding a way to wake me up repeatedly.
During the morning til the afternoon he sleeps. And it's Kayla and I taking care of the wee little ones. Violet's therapists do help. But a lot happens during the daytime- things need to get done. Cooking, cleaning, phone calls, doctor appointments, therapy, school, shopping, you name it.
My sister has become my husband- and no it's not as sick as it sounds. We're together all the time- taking care of the kids, doing errands together. She is my lifesaver!!! Without her I don't know what I'd do!!!
Of course we get on each other's nerves, but not as much as other siblings I know. We actually enjoy each other's company. Plus she "gets" me. My instructions and directions- she gets right away- no need to over explain. This comes in handy.
I don't know what I'll do when she goes to college nor when Dave eventually goes back to school to complete his master's degree.
I'll have gone totally insane by then- most probably within one day of being alone.
My kids are a handful- not only is Violet autistic and hyperactive, she needs attention every second of everyday to make sure she doesn't kill herself (she thinks she indestructible!)- but my son is a little handful as well. He's only 8 months old for goodness sakes. I can't possibly watch them both properly without someone else's help. I'd hire a nanny just to HELP me- because NO one person could EVER take care of both my children alone- at the same time. I triple DOG DARE YOU! You'd fail no doubt- because it is impossible. No super nanny- not anyone could do this.
Being tired all the time- wears on a marriage. Dave is cranky almost all the time. Which leads to many many arguments. And I DO understand where he's coming from. But all the fighting is hard.
To All my friends wanting to get married- I never tell them- it's a good idea. NEVER.
I usually ask, "WHY Oh why are you ruining a good thing?!!"
Marriage is the hardest thing- even more difficult than being a parent. Seriously!
That stupid piece of paper changes people. I don't know why but it does, and who ever says that it doesn't is LYING.
I've always lived with people. So it's not being around Dave 24/7 that's the problem. I'm not a loner.
It's the constant anger that's the issue, probably because we're both sleep deprived. He's always had a sleeping problem- even before the kids came. Always.
And now my kids have a similar problem. But he can stay asleep for hours and hours and hours. We're always mad at each other. Because both of us feel the other doesn't let us sleep enough.
I try to be in a good mood. Well at least not in a bad mood. Because that would suck. And being around me would then suck. Plus I want my kids knowing how much I love them, and love being around them- even when they are driving me crazy.
And believe me I KNOW I'm not a saint. And would never paint myself as one. Hello! I'm bipolar- I do have mood swings galore! But definitely not as bad as it was before.
So I'm getting off topic.
So I'm tired of being tired. Yeah- that's what this blog started with right?
So yeah- that's about it because if I keep going with this blog- it'll be ten pages.
SO I'll stop here.


Kisses to all my sexy, crazy bitches!
Peace out!

Went to A heart doctor today...

But he wasn't THE doctor I was hoping he'd be.
He didn't even ask me my family history or which medications I'm taking.
You know when you have this funny feeling that the person you've met gets an idea of who you are- and what you're about the minute they meet you- and nothing can derail their thoughts???
Well this was that moment. I'm so ticked!!!
Medicaid doctors SUCK ASS! Man what I would give for some good insurance to go to some REAL doctors. REALLY good doctors that is. You know ones that ask questions and ACTUALLY check you out!
Dear God!!! What the fuck- and I waited an hour and a half to hear what??? BULLSHIT! that's what. Nothing- he said "he wished he could help me". Are you serious?!
I knew no matter what I said, he wouldn't change his mind. FUCK DOCTORS!!!
Sorry for the rant- but this is majorly frustrating.
I didn't let it ruin my whole day though. Afterwards I went to H&M on 5th avenue.
What a MAD HOUSE!!! Crying babies, and crazy scary skinny white women running amok- like the place was closing or something. And I went in the afternoon!
I hate crowds- I really do. And you wonder why I live in New York? Because I got no where else to go. That's why.
I got myself a cheap cute hat ( I'm a hat FREAK), and a Sergent Pepper jacket ( on sale). Oh yeah and a $1.50 pair of 80's style doorknockers. If you don't know what doorknockers are- you're missing out. My ghetto fabulous queens out there know what I'm talking about.
I've had several friends and family members mention that they think I should write a book.
Now I've been thinking about this for a very long time now. I don't write fiction- I only write about what I know- my life experiences.
Now in my blog- I'm tame. Seriously. I know it's hard to believe- but believe me it's TAME. Especially compared to all that I've experienced in life. If I were to finally decided to write my book, it's be juicy- very juicy. And that's why I haven't decided for sure that I'm going to write it. Because I know many people that would be upset about what I write. Not many family members want me to put everything out there. I'm afraid some family members and friends would never forgive me, maybe not even Dave. It's kind of a scary thought. I would not write this book to purposely hurt anyone but if I'm going to write a book- it's going to be the real deal- raw, naked and the whole truth- there's no point to me doing this halfway. I need to go all out.
I mean what sells right? Sex, drugs, addiction- the whole shabang. And my book would have all of that.
I know a lot of my family would be embarrassed and ashamed of the things I've done- I know my mom already is- but she deals with it. And I understand why. I'm her little girl no matter how old I get. So I don't blame her.
The book would definitely be called The Bipolar Bible- for sure.
So maybe I'll start it- little by little- there's so many stories running through my mind- it's hard to write them down quick enough. HELLO RACING THOUGHTS!!!!!!! BIPOLAR!
If I could finished this whole huge project- from start to finish- man, that'd be amazing.

Kisses my beautiful, sexy bitches!!!

Dave finally WON!

Yesterday was a humiliating day- or just another day for me.
Dave had been attacking me with scissors for a few days now- I was tiring of it.
Dave fixed the hair buzzer yesterday and bullied me into letting him buzz my hair off. I was nervous- nervous to the point of nausea- because I have issues with authority, and hate when someone is MAKING me do anything- hate it!
But Dave is probably the only person on the planet that can force me to do anything- and he knows this, DAMN IT!
He got loud with me and I couldn't take it anymore- so I bent over the tub- and let him buzz away at my scalp.
Oh the joy- I mean this as sarcastically as possible.
Afterwards me left me- bald and a little shaken- like a sheep that had just been sheared- to go take care of Violet who had just woken up from a short nap.
There I was alone- left to clean up the hair and wash myself off.
I stared at myself in my tiny little mirror- and saw every flaw- flaws that I'd never seen before. Because when you're bald there's no hiding ANYTHING, no blemish, no bump, not anything.
Oy, this was going to be hard.
I felt like I was going in circles- how many times was I going to be bald in my lifetime? Seriously!
I walked into my living room, where Dave, Kayla and my kids were hanging out.
Awaiting their reactions.
My sister right away said how much she liked it. Dave looked proud of myself- I was still a little upset at how he bullied me.
I walked up to Levi, my son- who smiled and giggled. Yeah- that's WAY better than crying hysterically. I'll take giggling.
Violet didn't seem to mind either.
My mom saw it later that day, and said- "Oh my, I'll have to get used to this look again. It'll take me some time." Thanks mom, for the vote of confidence.
I knew from that point on I'd be getting some negative feedback from the people I knew- and of course they people I don't.
Whatever I seem to do angers people, I don't know why- whether it be the pair of glasses I'm wearing, the clothes, or the hairdo- doesn't matter- I anger people.
And sometimes I think that's a good thing.
An ode to punks- old school punks- not the hot topic, dress-a-like, talk-a-like, look-a-like punks that are around nowadays. Fuck those PUNKS!
When your "punk" outfit costs more than a few bucks- you're officially NOT a punk anymore.
That's my opinion anyways-
BTW my head wasn't shaved- it was buzzed- with a number 2 attachment- for all those girls out there that have no idea what I'm talking about- I pity you.
There is one sound in this world that still gives me goosebumps-good goosebumps- to this very day- the sounds of electric appliance buzzing- because that means either I'm getting a haircut- or a tattoo- the two things I really LOVE getting done in this world.
Speaking of tattoo- I'm thinking of finally getting my head tattooed. I've been thinking about this for YEARS. Now if I could only decide on a fabulous tattoo.
Any ideas???


let me know.
I'll be posting photos of my new do- ASAP.
You know it can't be just any photo- it's got to be FIERCE!

Love and kisses to all my bitches!!!!

More to come...

Make it FIERCE!

My old motto for a very long time was "Work it! Love it! Live it! Flaunt it!"
I definitely feel I haven't been living up to this in awhile.
My new motto- "I'm a model. I'm a mom. I'm a CUNT! I'm fabulous!"
If you knew me- you'd know this works well for me.
I've been extra stressed these past few days- and it's wearing on me.
As I was listening to my music, and of course do housework, dishes in this case, I realize no matter what is happening to me physically- I'm not giving up without a fucking fight!
Earlier today the handyman in my building came to my apartment to help me unclog my severely clogged bathtub drain. He worked so damn hard. And then said to me-"There's too much hair in the drain", to which I replied frankly "I'm very ill and losing my hair". At which point his whole attitude changed and he was SO nice and kind to me, which was a definite change from his usual attitude towards me.
After saying that I felt like crying- and I HATE crying- it shows weakness- and I can't stand it. So when I'm crying- it's because I can't hold it back any longer.
I teared a tiny bit- just enough for me to realize- this is really FUCKED UP.
And no loss of anything other than my family- will make me upset. Material items, nothing. So losing my hair- I'm not going to waste my time and energy- being distraught anymore.
As I write this- my hair is falling to my shoulders- yep it's THAT bad. And hopefully a doctor will find out what the flying fuck is happening to me- because this happened long before this stress started happening.
Dave offered earlier today, to shave my head for me, and his to make me feel better.
and I froze- because I wasn't ready. Whatever is happening- it's going to be on MY terms. I'm a fighter- so yes- hair oh lovely hair- I love you. I'm obsessed with you. But you ain't worth nothing to me no more. Fuck this shit!
If I'm gonna be bald- I'm gonna be a fierce bitch! Watch out.
I'll work it.

This blog I actually wrote two whole days ago-
I didn't want to publish this blog until I shaved my head.
Well shortly after writing this- my beloved buzzer broke! Dave was upset because he REALLY wanted to buzz my head.
Since then he's been trying to attack me with scissors- saying "I can totally do THIS! Don't you trust me?!"
To which I reply "NO!" Because the LAST time is shaved my head with a razor I was 8 months pregnant with Violet, and he cut my head up. I TOTALLY don't trust him with a blade.
Oh yeah and yesterday was a day from FUCKING hell. My sister passed out, hit her head and went by ambulance to the hospital. Don't worry she's okay and she's home safe and sound.
Both of us have been suffering from extremely low blood pressure. I will never get that image of her head hitting the wall out of my mind. I was super affectionate to her while waiting for the ambulance- and told her" See? I'm affectionate when it counts." She laughed. After all she's my baby, she's like a daughter to me. I've never been so scared.
Usually there's at least a few minutes between when someone says they're not feeling well- to the time they go limp. At least this happens in my case- thank goodness- enough time to take aspirin and lay the fuck down. Well this is NOT the case with my sister.
And after all this happened yesterday- Dave was still coming after me with scissors.
I better get a buzzer quick otherwise Dave will WIN. Meaning I will LOSE.

Kisses to my beautiful bitches!

BTW "Don't be offended by me calling you bitches. I call you bitches because I don't know all your names individually."- Katt Williams. AMEN!

Why Antibiotics suck so much for Bipolars...

Antibiotics SUCK!
I have a horrible sinus infection and ran to the doctors today to get a persciption for antibiotics. The coughing mixed with my heart problems- not doing too well. Chest really hurts at the moment. So I'm not allowed any good cold/cough medication. And that's such a bummer- because I can't sleep!
Now I've introduced antibiotics into my body- and BAM!!!!
What was stable a moment ago- all out the window right now. I'm cycling, anxious, jittery- ARGH!!!
Dave and my son are sick now. As a mom- I go into what I call "turbo" mode- where I see what needs to get done, and do it- forget all the pain I'm in. I can get like 17 things done at once. I don't think I've ever cooked dinner so fast in my life!
But when everything is finally quiet, and everyone is asleep- for the time being- it's just me and my crazy thoughts racing.
I really do wish I had bipolar friends to talk to. But as I've mentioned before- all my old bipolar friends- are sad to say, dead. You never hear of a happy ending for a bipolar- all the ones I knew had very short lives- and they weren't happy ones at that. Many bipolars I knew, were abused as children, but that's a whole other subject all together. But in a lot of cases trauma happened to them as a child.
I wish I knew bipolars that were functioning, and happy, maybe even had a family.
That's asking for too much right?
A lot of my friends look at my life and think I got this all figured out.
I'm married, I got two kids, everything's good right? I seem somewhat stable?
As much as I am an open book, there are MANY things I don't talk about. I don't go into a lot of detail about my parents, my sister, or Dave.
I feel it wouldn't be fair to them.
I feel a lot of my life has been about fighting. Fighting constantly- with everyone, with everything. It leaves my exhausted. Fighting and arguing all the time.
I think there's a lot of pressure on me- to be successful- in my marriage, as a mother. To not fail. To not go back into the hospital, to not breakdown. I have to be strong- there are several people depending on me every second of every day.
And for the most part- that's what keeps me going. If I was on my own, with no family, I'd be so fucked up. I'd be a mess. Because I wouldn't care. I never cared what happened to me- when manic or depressed, hence the suicidal tendencies. But having it not be ALL about me- but instead be about my children and my family- changes the dynamic.
My children saved my life. They changed me. And yes being a parent is the HARDEST thing imaginable. Really some days- I can't take it, I feel overwhelmed and like I can't go on. And I'll admit it- I have had suicidal thoughts since becoming a parent. It's the disease- the depression that takes over my whole being- and infects my mind. But thinking of my children kept me from doing it. My kids are what drive me to live each day- nothing else.
I am Bipolar- and that will never change. As stable as I feel most times, there's another bad feeling just around the bend. This is my life. I have to work on controlling it all the time. I don't get breaks. Breaks from being a mom, from being bipolar.
When I take antibiotics, it throws me completely off my game, not physically, but mentally. It counteracts my bipolar medication- and basically fucks me up.
And I know it's the medication, and I have to keep reminding myself it's the medication and not real, the feelings I have- that it'll all go back to normal when the tens days are up and I finish taking the antibiotics. But until then- I'm definitely struggling. Badly.
I want my kids to be okay. I want Dave to feel better. There's all these thoughts in my mind, racing.
I want more help, and support. I'm so busy taking care of everyone- I forget who I am all the time. I feel lost- when alone by myself. Alone with my thoughts.
Like no one understands me- there's no one to talk to.
So I write on my computer, in the dark, listening to everyone snore.
I'm so awake right now- it's ridiculous because I haven't had a decent sleep in days.

Well that's all from me for now. Wish me luck.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Kisses my beautiful bitches!

Anti-Cool: the Movement

I came up with this notion a few years back.
Back then I called it My Revolution, now it's more a movement really.
Anti-cool: basically doing everything in your power to be NOT cool. Meaning whatever society finds beautiful, or accepting- do the opposite. Not for them- but for yourself.
After being in the fashion industry for over tens years- I've learned a lot.
Mainly how I don't "fit" in.
I was always too __________ (fill in the blank).
Too tattooed. Too out-there. Or the opposite happened- I wasn't tattooed ENOUGH. I wasn't strange enough. Very bizarre. And things change from minute to minute.
What was "in" one season was "out" the next. The fashion industry is very wishy-washy.
And it was always so frustrating for me. Do they want me to look like this?? or that??? I never knew- and I was always wrong.
So about two years ago- I gave up all together- I decided whatever they wanted me to look like- I as going to do the opposite. So I dyed my hair green, shaved off my eyebrows, purposely bought outrageously weird looking eyeglasses- the whole deal. I dressed awkward. You name it. And believe me every time I shaved my head- there were many people that found it unappealing and told me so- on the street- to let me know how WRONG I was. Same thing when I was heavily pierced, people told me on the street how ugly I was. I don't know why they felt the NEED to tell me this- but whatever- no biggie. I used to take it to heart, and be upset- now I learned to take it as a compliment. If they DON'T like it- then I'm doing something RIGHT.
I kind of lost my focus on my anti-cool movement, since I was pregnant with Levi.
Now I'm feeling the focus coming back to me now.
I've been on so many casting calls in my days- and rejected, rejected, rejected.
It wears a person down. And the jobs I do get aren't usually the ones I'm pining over.
Everything I do- I'm told will ruin my career- to that I say- the job I get for looking the way I WANT- will be a life changer, for sure. That's the job I want.
So many things have been happening to me physically. And I find there are days I want to be invisible. And if there were a way- I'd use it. The thing I found be trying to be ugly- by societies standards- does make a person as close to invisible as possible. strange I know, but people don't like to look at "the ugly", people are usually attracted to the "beautiful". Whatever that may mean.
It means different things to different people.
In my neighbor, nearly everyone is a yuppie. They're children are brats usually.
So the minute I step out the door- I know I'm already hated. For having tattoos on my neck, for being different in any way. I'm thought of as lower class, and treated as such. That's why I find more comfort at the ghetto playgrounds, with my kids- because I feel we're all equal. We're all poor and don't have nannies, or cooks, or maids.
I'm feeling very anti-cool at the moment. Especially with my hair falling out and my body falling a part. I really do want to be invisible. I feel things would be a lot easier.
I'm not going to get the part of the mom in a commercial anyway- or the part of the tattooed chick. So fuck it- let's do this already.
Let me know you're feelings on the movement- let's make it one. Fuck the MAN. Fuck society. Just FUCK IT!


Kisses Bitches!

*photo of Violet a few months old- with onesie designed by me- my Anti-cool Baby!!!

Long time no write.

Sorry it's been a whole 5 days!
I feel like so much has happened since then.
First Violet got a bug from school. She had a very high fever and her stomach was upset. I don't feel so hot either- we share everything. Sloppy kisses, you name it- but that's part of the joys of being a mommy- the sloppy kisses I mean- not the sharing of viruses.
I actually got a chance to watch mind numbing television yesterday- well kind of.
Usually when I get a chance I like to catch up on my favorite shows I've missed and recorded. This time, my mom was watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels- so I decided to chillax next to her and watch it with her.
First of all, let me just say- they are a breathe of fresh air- as far as famous families go. Their kids are awesome, and overall good people. Which is rare.
Shannon, Gene Simmons long time girlfriend (I don't think they should ever marry- because really- there's no need- if things are working this way- then they should stay this way- that's my opinion), found a lump in her breast and had two biopsies.
This hits me close to home, since I've been through this only months before being pregnant with Violet.
Shannon is in my opinion, a very strong woman. She handled it extremely well.
A lot better than I did. The biopsy hurts like a BITCH from hell! And I'm not afraid of needles at all- since with all my health problems I'm stuck with them all the time. But wow- that hurt more than words can describe.
When I went through that, I wanted my breasts removed immediately but no doctor would do it- because insurance wouldn't pay for it. Which is ridiculous when you think of it- it's a preventive measure- but insurance won't pay for it- unless you ALREADY have cancer. This is so stupid.
I still wish I'd have gotten it done. Fuck breasts! That's what I always say.
For all the reasons they gave me NOT to remove them- that I might have children and want to breast feed. Yes I did have children and I did breast feed both children- for a very short time because physically I couldn't and it was a very painful experience- emotionally as well.
I also made a living by modeling nude. Yes, nude. I'm not ashamed. The photos were art, not porn. But this is how I made money- basically for my boobs and body.
And I STILL wanted them removed. I was told that would hurt my modeling career severely- but I knew this is what I wanted. And I'd still find a way to make a living modeling. If I could afford to remove them, I would in a heart beat. That day-after my biopsy, not knowing what the results would be, was one of the WORST days of my life. And knowing I might have to go through that again someday, terrifies me to the core. I took a self- portrait that month of myself with scissors to my breast. It horrified many of my friends, so even though I still have these images, and would like to post them, I will not because it might scare some people.
I took these photos, because I was angry. Angry at the doctors and my insurance- for not obeying my wishes and making the decision for me. I hate not being in control of my own life and body. I did not harm myself- so don't go worrying about me. I've been suicidal in the past- that time was NOT one of them.
Anyway- watching things like that strike a nerve in me- but I'm SO glad she chose to share that with everyone- because this could save many peoples lives. Kudos to her.
On another note- I scheduled Violet's 24 hour stay in the hospital, but now I might have to reschedule it for later in April due to my health. I'm supposed to stay with her overnight, but with my recent frequent heart problems, I can't do that.
I'm living off aspirin. It's my best friend now, that's for sure.
I have many doctors appointments coming up- I just want answers at this point.

That's all for now- God bless all of you- and CHECK your breasts- yes even you guys out there.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Come true to fast.

Seems that my dreams are coming true a little too fast for me.
The dream/vision I talked about in my last blog is the one I'm talking about.
My hair was starting to fall out a little less these past few days- then all of a sudden today- BAM! So much hair down the drain, I had to clean out the tub eight times!
It was intense. I was thinking about buying a turban- not the turban you're thinking about- the OTHER turban. The one worn by divas in old movies. You know, with huge sunglasses and a scarf. It's coming to that time, y'all.
My mom asked if I wanted a new wig- and I have NEVER turned down a wig before in my life!!! I'm not about to start now.
I was talking with a friend today and said- shaving your own head is one thing- but having the CHOICE to be bald be made for you- is another. They understood.
My hair doesn't look so bad right now- but if something doesn't change soon. Oh boy.
Dave says that I make a very sexy bald chick. Thanks Hun! But it's frustrating.
I went to the doctor yesterday and had tests done. They are also testing me for diabetes, as well as my vitamin levels.
I have SO many different doctors appointments to go to- cardiologist (chest pains), dermatologist (for my hair), neurologist (for my migraines), and Gyno (for the possible endometriosis). Oh man this sucks. The doctor thinks maybe they are all connected- but let's see. And the soonest dates I could get for all these appointments were in APRIL! I kind of need a doctor sooner than that. My main doctor definitely agrees with me.
So what do you think- Diva turban or brand new wig???
Dave wants to make this summer about Roller Boogie ( check out the movie it's hilarious- and ridiculously awesome). I keep telling him I SUCK at anything with wheels- but he won't take "NO" for an answer. Plus I'd love to be able to roller boogie (dancing while rollerskating). So he suggests I get a "Farrah" wig. HOLLA!
I'm also looking forward to the summer- everyday in the summer- is freaking magical for me.
I LOVE the summer. This summer I have Violet's THIRD birthday party and also Levi's FIRST birthday party to plan for.
I go all out for parties- I LOVE get togethers. I love the decorating, the goodie bags, the food, ALL of it.
And of course seeing my friends and family.
I'm trying to remain positive and not think the worst- some moments- all the things happening to my body get to me- but I gotta get myself back up. Find energy SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW.

Thanks everyone for all your support.

More to come. Thanks for listening:)


*photo of the brilliant, fabulous actress Maggie Gyllenhaal- looking very DIVA! I love it!

Dreams...

I have always had prophetic dreams- since I was a child.
The dreams- would either come true later that day- or week- or even month.
Not to say EVERY single dream of mine is prophet- some are just strange, and random- because I ate something horrible right before bed- I am human after all.
But I always know which ones will come true.
For example- two months before I defied all laws and got pregnant with Violet- I had a dream I had a little girl, and her name was Violet. That's how I knew I could have a child- and therefore did. I also dreamed I'd have a son, his name did not appear in the dream, which made it more difficult to name him, and that he would be blond- which he was.
Every time before I got really ill- I'd have a dream about it. There were many dreams that I was emaciated- and later that month or year- something would lead to that. Usually my eating disorders- but sometimes not.
This past week I've had very scary prophetic dreams.
Again, my dreams are not always so clear and cut- I usually have to decipher them- or later in the week when the dream plays out- I realize what the dream originally meant to tell me.
A friend of mine- asked me if I was a witch. If you have to be a witch to have visions- which I doubt- then I guess I am. But I believe all types of people have these gifts. Dave has fantastic intuition- and I trust it. Just as he usually trusts mine. If I tell him I have a bad feeling about something- he usually listens.
And it does play out- most of the time.
I believe most people have this ability, to dream their future, or have fantastic intuition, but most people don't it themselves enough, to believe it.
This dream I had early in the week- made me particularly nervous.
I was on a dock- actually there were THREE of me- on a dock.
One future, one present, and one- not so sure from what time.
One of them- I was completely bald ( shiny bald- I mean no hair!)- and sick, and emaciated- hugging the "other" me, wearing a brown wig and the other had blondish wavy long hair. All were different body types, but one was very very sickly thin.
I was looking at photographs of myself on the dock that had been overlapped, and had been taken at different moments in time- but at the same place. Made to look like there had been three of me at once.
Very strange, I know. Disturbing yes. It makes me think- wow I have got to get to the doctor quick! All these things that are happening to my body right now, are very scary. I wasn't as disturbs until I had the dream. Now I have a feeling of what the dream means- but I won't say it here.
I just wanted to give an example of what my dreams are like.
Another thing that can happen in a dream,I'll see someone I know in my dream- then ALWAYS later that day- see them. Doesn't matter if I haven't seen this person in years- I WILL see them that very day. It's bizarre and kind of fun at times.
Knowing this ahead of time.
I will leave you with this- listen to your dreams- even if they are very strange- they could be telling you something, even warning you.
Everyone has intuition- I think it's time to trust it.



More to come...
Stay tuned.

Intimacy Issues

I'll admit it, I have intimacy issues.
Not when I'm manic. When I'm manic I'll hug everyone on the planet.
But when I'm not, I don't like touching or even hugging. This includes my family as well. It's weird I know. My sister and I totally different- she's super affectionate, hugs and kisses me all the time- me on the other hand, never do that. And when she does- I freeze up, and usually push her away. I don't even, of my own free will, hug my mom, and I LOVE her. If she asks for a hug, I'll give one, but I'm not- savor the moment of a hug kind of gal.
To the people I am affectionate to- of my own free will- are very few.
This definitely includes my small handful of friends- I love them so much and don't feel weird hugging them, and some family members as well- but very few.
Nothing personal- It's ALL me. Just one of the many things that make me freakish.
Just one. And this comes and goes- well not completely. But I go through- very affectionate phases occasionally. They are rare and far between.
Something is definitely wrong with me. Definitely.
My dad was never ever the affectionate type. To hugs or kiss me was a huge deal. And everyone would make a big deal when he would. Which made me feel awkward in return. Watching us hug is a bizarre sight, that's for sure. Plus it only happens once every few years. This is one of the reasons I am the way I am.
Even though I am an open book, there are some things I can't seem to talk about just yet. Maybe in the book I plan to write someday. Just maybe.
Sometimes I feel I still have my guard up, even with my family.
I'm scared if I give everything I'll lose myself. I'm probably not making a lot of sense right now but this is how I feel sometimes. It feels good when I let go, at times, but then I tighten up all over again. I'm always afraid to get hurt, or be disappointed.
I'm sure I will let go eventually.
With my kids- I'm a completely different person, I hug and kiss them all the time. I give them all of me every second of every day. Violet pushes me away all the time- I don't take it personally. Levi on the other hand- pulls me in closer to smother me with kisses (licks- whatever you call them)and I enjoy every second of it.

*photo of Levi (2 months old) and me

Very depressing day.

I know- busy day- three blogs in one day. It's insanity.
I'm so depressed right now, I have things I have to do, and all I want to do is sleep.
Violet and I have had a rough two days. I feel bad for her. She's having a really difficult time falling asleep lately (and of course- staying asleep).
Thoughts are spinning in my head. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to.
So I write to my imaginary friend- the Internet.
A lot of my friends don't understand what I'm going through. At times like these, I wish I had a functioning bipolar friend. Which sounds like an oxymoron. And maybe it is a fairytale.
All my old bipolar friends, are gone. And it's sad. Sometimes I feel like there is no happy ending for us bipolars. I hope there is. I pray there is.
But this overwhelming emptiness- is well...overwhelming. Usually there's no rhyme or reason- it just happens and even though I try fighting it with all I've got. It seems to get the best of me.
Probably me losing my hair, my shitty camera not working, and being told Violet needs A LOT of help, doesn't help my situation. But these things are minimal. Not huge. Yet I feel suffocated and find it hard to breathe- yet I'm not having a panic attack. It's straight up the ugly part of being bipolar, being depressed.
I wait and wait and wait for some type of mania to take over. But nothing happens.
And no, I don't want to be full blown manic- that's my demon.
Just a tad bit manic- the happiness part, wouldn't hurt. It's better to be a tiny bit manic then full blown depressed, for bipolars, at least, I feel this way.
Bad things happen to bipolars when full blown depressed AND full blown manic.
But there has to be some inbetween, right? Isn't there???
I haven't quite found it yet- but I must believe in it, like I believe God. And even though things make me question my faith all the time, everyday, I still must believe.

Hello to all my bipolars out there!
I'd love to hear from you.

Rough Day.

Still recovering from food poisoning, yet again. Violet's feeling not so great, as well. I've been feeling like crying for most of the day, I hate that feeling!
Today Shannon (her A.B.A. therapist) and I took Violet to the playground, I was using my horrible back up camera to take photos of her. The photos were AMAZING, or I thought they were, because all of a sudden, a message popped up on my camera- no memory card!!! Can you believe it?!!!! After taking all those photos????I hate that fucking camera- it's the fucking Monkey's Paw!
Late in the day I got a call, from the best special Preschool in the city, YAI Gramercy. I had been waiting for their call, to let me know if Violet got into the school or not. It turns out she didn't. I don't blame them, Jessica, the person I spoke to, is extremely nice, and I understood why they decided against taking her in.
I was bummed. Really bummed.
They said she needed more attention than they could provide for her. In their class of eight kids ( 1 teacher, 2 aids) she wouldn't get the help she so desperately needed. They suggested we go to the school across from them, called The Roosevelt School, which even though it was mostly for physically handicapped kids, they do take kids with P.D.D. ( which is what she has). Their classes have six kids to one teacher, two aids. Which is better- but we're worried she'll need her own teacher, or what they call- Para.
It's hard hearing that your child NEEDs more attention and MORE help than they can provide. It's frustrating, and sometimes crippling.
It's been a rough day. I'm tired, sore, and sad.
I hope Violet gets into a good school. I really do.
Her getting into Gramercy, is what I was really wanting to stay in NYC for.
Now I don't know what's keeping us here, other than lack of money.
Frustrating, very frustrating.

More to come. Hopefully good news.

*photo is of Violet, during a snow day a few weeks ago. How can they say no to that face?????

Panic!

I don't know what's going on. At first, I thought it was just a post-baby thing. About 5 or 7 months after women have a baby- their hair can start to shed.
But now- I'm losing a LOT of my hair, and no it's not from coloring, I haven't colored my hair in a long time, and it's pretty healthy. I'm thinking it's a hormonal imbalance. I've been going through a lot physically.
I've been experiencing endometriosis symptoms lately- truthfully ever since I gave birth to Violet, and it's just been getting worse. I had endometriosis surgery back in 2001. Which means there's a very good chance the endo is back.
That paired with my heart problems- ARGH!
I have SO many doctors appointments scheduled- but all for April. That's the earliest appointments I could get. Very frustrating.
Yesterday I got food poisoning for the 100th time. This time it was from a small bag of potato chips I shared with Violet yesterday, we bought at some bodega across the street from the playground. We both got pretty sick- but I got the worst of it, thank goodness. I would feel horrible if she had gotten the worst- it's hard watching your babies feeling sick.
I almost went to the emergency room last night, until I realized it was food poisoning. Because at first I almost passed out- well at least that's how it started for me last night after I made dinner.
I feel better thus far, not perfect but WAY better than last night.
I might make an emergency appointment with my doctor if my heart problems worsen again.

On another note.

Today was a rough day all around. Besides Levi's audition, I had a "heart episode" again. Don't worry I scheduled a heart doctor appointment. He's the head of cardiology, and takes great care of my father. I met him, and he was wonderful.
But the soonest appointment I can get is for April 1st. Argh.
I'll be fine- it's just irritating. I'm a very physical person and always running around doing errands, after the kids, and taking care of the house- I don't get to sit very often, so when I can't physically do everything I NEED to do- it frustrates the living crap out of me.
Just today, while pushing, the double (very heavy) stroller uphill, killed me. Couldn't breathe, and a lot of pressure on my chest. Pisses me off!
Aspirin is my friend. My very good friend.
I really want to go see my very talented friends perform ( brilliant musicians- every single one of them) and I'm scared to travel far alone- with my heart problem.
What do I do if it happens on a crowded train at night? I hate being scared.
I feel very undependable now. I like being the friend people can count on- but I feel I haven't been that for awhile now. I'm looking to change that. Hopefully soon.
To all my beloved friends out there that I've let down- I'm so sorry. I really am.
And I striving to change things.
On another note- Monday I go back to the food pantry for my monthly visit.
Now don't get me wrong- things have been better THIS month thus far, doesn't mean anything for NEXT month. I never know how things will be from one moment to the next. So I like to be prepared. Canned tomatoes goes a long way. The food pantry helps, they are so nice there and friendly. But I still feel bad, I wish I had the means to give instead of take.
I go there with my social worker ( I have her through Violet's Early Intervention Program), she's an angel, and has helped my family greatly.
God bless her!


So that's all for today.
Stay tuned.

Levi's first audition...

Today was the fisher price audition. I had no idea what to expect.
The was a hallway FULL of babies, all ages, and all quite small.
In comes me with my Levi- he eats other babies for breakfast- he's the size of a one year old- so he's BIG for his age.
There were a bunch of showbiz moms AND dads there. One kid was all smiles at everyone and then fell and started to cry. The showbiz dad, told his one year old daughter, "Shake it off. Just shake it off!" I shit you not!!!
But one mom and I really connected, she was awesome, and I think she was also a model. Her son was GORGEOUS- no joke. The biggest blue eyes.
My mom came with me because Dave was too tired. But my mom's mind went out the window the second we walked in- she was so nervous. It reminded me of my very first audition when I was nine years old- she was an absolute wreck!
So the first part of the audition was video- Levi was amazing, and smiling at the ladies. The second part..the photos...didn't go so well.
Did I mention he'd fallen asleep on the way over there? Well he did and woke up minutes before the video portion of the audition. He started getting really cranky towards the end- when the photos needed to be taken. He wouldn't stay still- I mean he's a baby- but not even for a second. By the end of the shoot the photographer (who was so super nice) and I were sweating from working so hard trying to get a good photo of him.
He's also been teething really badly the past two days.
While the cool mom and I were waiting for the photo shoot portion, an actor came by and said "I just NEEDED to tell you both that your babies are SO cute!!!". It made me feel a little more relaxed then I was before.
When I entered the building my gut was in my throat- I haven't been this nervous since my first few auditions- but then I put my mind at ease, realizing it's no big deal. It's JUST an audition.
I really should of gotten the cool mom's phone number- but I was embarrassed. It's hard meeting cool moms that I have things in common with. Really hard.
Maybe next time I'll have the courage.
Overall the audition went O.K. not great but not horrible.
Oh well hopefully more auditions to come.

Stay tuned- for the many adventures of LEVI!!!

Updates.

Violet went to the doctor today. She's going to be on a low dose of antibiotics for awhile. She now has to go to a urologist- because she could have a condition called urinary reflux, which can eventually lead to kidney failure, if not treated. Oh my- never ever a dull moment. Today she had many many tantrums, since she's been off antibiotics for two weeks. While she's on the medication she's amazing! She can do so many things- and get this- NO tantrums. I'll be posting a video soon of her- putting numbers in order- she knows how to sequence them from 1-10- on her own. It's crazy!
She also can solve difficult puzzles very easily. It's her thing.
So when she's off the medication- she's freaking out, tantruming, her stomach hurts, she doesn't eat as much, in other words- it's BAD. I'm exhausted.
Today she cried a lot in school, and continued when she got home, then threw up her allergy medication, and THEN went to the doctor. It was a rough freaking day.
But after the doctor, we went straight to the sensory gym- and she was finally happy.
I finally got my insurance back- and scheduled the heart doctor, as well as many other visits. Thank GOD! I'm so relieved.
Levi was signed with my modeling agency awhile ago and now is beginning to get castings. The modeling world won't effect him badly right now- he's a baby. Me, on the other hand, gets a punch to the stomach with every rejection I get- which are plenty.
So busy weeks ahead. Oh yeah, and I have plenty of special Preschool tours to go on this month, since Violet is turning 3 in May and Early Intervention only goes up to age 3. I'm tired- my body is tired. My mind is tired. Hopefully things will be getting easier soon.
I hope.

More to come...

My head hurts.

Thank goodness my weave was ridiculously cheap because I could only stand two weeks of it. Dave and I took it out tonight and it took us two hours.
I didn't have the money nor patience to go back to the ghetto salon.
My head hurts so badly- from the tugging, and the scratching of my scalp afterwards. It felt obscenely good at the time- not so much now.
While I'm washing out whatever was left of my hair ( half went down the drain- no joke) Kayla comes in.
Earlier Dave brought the camera into the bathroom to take photos of my hair when we were finally finished taking out the weave. To my surprise- he didn't put the camera back where it belonged.
So Kayla comes in and CRASH!!!!!! There goes my camera.
I didn't yell or even get upset. Now remember I use my camera every single day. It's a big part of my life and happiness. It's my Nikon D200, my baby.
I didn't blame Kayla because it wasn't her fault, it wasn't even Dave's fault either really. It was an accident and these things happen. Especially in my house.
She felt horrible- I felt bad- I didn't want her to be upset, it wasn't her fault.
In the meantime- my kids needed to have dinner- the lasagna is in the oven, things needed to get done.
Dave was taking a second nap at the time, I then woke him up, so finally we get the kids feed, bathed, and off to bed. We eat dinner finally- it was good, very yummy.
Then Dave goes right back to bed, and I go cut my sister's hair.
By the way, did I mention that I had a horribly sleepless night. My thoughts were racing ( a big MANIC trait), even though I didn't feel particularly manic.
Hopefully tonight will be better, I hope.
I'm not getting another weave for quite awhile, that's for sure.
Now to think about what's my next hair project...


More to come...

Lug-jur-ee-us (Luxurious) Hair

For those of you who know Katt Williams- you know what I mean by lug-jur-ee-us hair.
I just watched the movie Good Hair. It was fantastic. I bonded with that freakin' movie. You may wonder why- since I'm white. This is my hair story:
When I was a wee little girl- I had dead straight hair, reddish-brown, leaning toward more red than brown. I couldn't even keep a barrette in my hair- it was so thin.
During third grade ( when I was 9 years old) My hair did a complete 180 degree turn.
It was all of a sudden, really thick and curly. I hated it. It wasn't manageable at all. I wanted hair like my other white friends had. As I got older it just got worse.
When I was 10, during a trim from my mother- she accidentally cut off too much- leaving me with a "boy" haircut. My aunt's solution was to perm it- why I went through with this- or thought it was a good idea- I HAVE NO CLUE. She said it would "help" it grow out better. It was permed curly- not just curly, but kinky curls. So I had that done till I was about 12 years old. Then started the coloring.
I went to a Junior High School where I was one out of the only two white kids there.
Everyone said I was "like them" because I had "black hair". I guess I was more "like them" than I knew. Because I obsessed over how to get my hair, like white girls in the magazines. At age 12, is when I started buying wigs. I now own a collection of wigs.
I've done everything imaginable to my hair- braid it, dread it, color it ( every color seen it and out of nature), relax it ( several times- even burned off my scalp once), perm it, weave it. EVERYTHING.
Finally I'd had enough of wasting my time, energy and money on my hair and products.
And I finally shaved it off. Completely. I don't even remember the year - when I first did this. Because since then I've done it over five times. Each time, being fed up, and then once I did it- want really long hair again. It was a bad cycle.
And here I am - years later- with a cheap weave (synthetic), trying to grow my hair out yet again.
Errrrrrr...I hate this. As I sit here- patting my hair-It's "the weave pat"- because you can't scratch your hair when there's a weave in it- and believe me- it's itching.
No matter how well I wash it and take care of it- it bugs the shit out of me.
But it looks good, people tell me. It's taken me so many years to appreciate my "Jew fro". I now LOVE when a girl has her natural hair, not relaxed. I even own afro wigs.
And yes- my weave right now- is called a "bohemian curl", my friends call it Afrocentric hair. Now I would kill to have a huge mind boggling afro ( I still want long hair obviously). I used to be a high- very high maintence girl. I got my hair done monthly, even went a couple times a month for a blow-out ( to straighten it). Used all kinds of ridiculously expensive hair products galore. Spent lots of money on make-up, got my nails done. The whole shabang.
Now I'm very low key. I cut my own hair now- This weave was a present for my 29th birthday. I do my nails myself, I buy make-up from the drugstore as well as my haircare products.
Now my family comes first, I come last, in my mind. As long as my family is fed, has a roof over their heads, I'm happy. And yes- maybe occasionally I treat myself to a hair magazine ( my own personal crack).
After seeing this movie- I feel that I'm not alone in my struggle. In my hair battle royale. And yet again- I'm fed up that I'm even wasting a penny on my hair, for sure.
Hair drama!

Love you all!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!

Violet's Gluten free progress- 3 months in...

Violet has been on a gluten free diet for almost 3 months now. And the progress is remarkable. She's a different girl, for sure.
I can't believe my eyes sometimes and the things she's doing and understanding now.
I heard that it can take a long time- even years for the gluten to completely leave a child's system- but I never imagined the difference it could make.
Believe me- this diet is extremely difficult but she makes it look easy. It's still hard finding things she'll like to eat- because she's a problem feeder- but she LOVES the Gluten free ( also known as GF) french toast I make and gobbles up all kinds of fruit.
She now reacts to her name being called. She never did this before. If I tell her to "come here" she actually will. She's responding to verbal commands- another first.
And her signing ( she doesn't speak yet- she uses signs to communicate her needs) had become ten times better. She used to confused the signs- now she rarely does.
She can focus for longer periods of time and she waves "hi" and "bye". She's still very hyper- but I have a feeling- that's just her. She loves jumping, running, flipping, climbing- all things physical and challenging. And it turns out she knows her numbers- numbers 1-10. Which is freaky for a two year old. She's puts numbers in order all the time and can solve very difficult puzzles. These are her gifts.
I hope you don't feel I'm bragging- because it's nothing of the sort. For so long- I've heard nothing but- "she's behind in this. She cannot do this..." and so on. So I'm extremely grateful for these moments. I always knew she was capable of many many things. She's my princess and her therapists are really impressed with her. I think she surpassed their expectations.
Each day is a brand new day for her to learn new things. I admire her strength and determination. She never gives up- ever.
I'm thankful to have her as my daughter- I'm sure she'll be teaching me many things in the near future.

Love you all!!!

*photo is of my daughter when she was 4 months old