been quiet for awhile

hey guys and gals!
I've been quiet for awhile- sorry about that.
A lot of things have been happening.
My birthday just passed. I turned 30 years old.
Usually, I would think nothing of it-
but for so many years, including this year- I couldn't see beyond the present day.
I never believed I had a future.
I still don't.
I spent a lot of time in crisis mode.
I lived a very fast, hard fucking life- in a short amount of time.
The point I'm getting at is that I never ever believed I'd make it to 30.
Not because my body would kill me (even though it's tried so very hard so many times), but that I would kill myself.
I tried during my stay in hospitals (plural). I not afraid of pain.
I LIVE through pain.
At least I've learned to tolerate it.
Since I feel physical pain all the time now.
Funny since when I was a child I didn't feel physical pain.
Didn't know I'd broken bones until the day afterwards.
I would run into door knobs to see if I could bust the door open with my head.
Yeah- I was a very "special" kind of child.
Didn't feel pain.
Now it seems that's all I do.
I have spent so many years poor, dirt poor, that I don't expect any type of gifts or even cake at this point.
I remember many birthdays miserable- broke and eating rice so that my family could afford to eat food.
I'm used to starving, I've done it for over two thirds of my entire LIFE! And no I do not "enjoy" starving anymore.
I was surprised on my birthday when my parents made a big deal about it.
It was very strange and a welcomed emotion from me.
The day in itself, was similar to every other day- until it came to dessert.
My dad had bought me a birthday cake!
Yes, it was one of the only flavors I dislike (chocolate mousse- eww!), but I didn't let him know.
I don't get moments like these from my dad, so I tried to enjoy this one.
As I was about to blow out the candles-I noticed there was no camera.
No, I'm not constantly posing for the camera-
it's a tradition of ours to take a photo of blowing out the candles every single birthday, like most families.
I asked Dave to get the camera, he seemed to not care.
This angered me a lot.
He knew the tradition, and why this birthday meant something to me, but he seemed too busy eating a burger to pay me any mind.
Needless to say, I blew out my candles without a photo to capture the moment.
I was furious and this sparked a huge argument between Dave and I.
I won't go into details, other than he did share that he's been depressed for many years now.
And can't "feel" happiness.
I starting writing this blog- two days ago-
in the middle of writing this my son starting puking he's guts out.
Everyone had the stomach virus and are still recuperating.
Now I continue this blog- days later- and I'm not feeling the same emotion I was when I was writing the blog.
Today it is Dave's birthday.
And like me, he never ever saw a future for himself.
Yet here we are on his 38th birthday, celebrating (kind of) with our two kids.
I want to make a big deal about it. But he still doesn't feel well- so buying a cake and going out, is out of the question.
And I think he's still depressed.
Plus today I get a call from my landlord that my CRAZY neighbor is complaining she doesn't have heat "because there are too many people here taking showers all day long".
Meanwhile she has five people living there, none of them little babies.
I only have two more people here, and they are both under four years old!
What a fucking crazy person!
Tell I meantion, she came knocking on MY door at 8p.m. a few night ago blaming me for her not having any hot water.
Even though I spend many days with no hot water myself!
Oy Vey!
It's times like these I really wish I had moved to Florida, instead of here.
And had our own house- with no landlord or upstairs neighbors complaining.

I dream of warm weather, our OWN place and no one to answer to.

I dream a dream worth living for.

Kisses Bitches!
I NEED MONEY! The LOTTO would be AWESOME!

Stuff n' Shit

Hey guys and gals.
This past week was CRAZY!!!
Both my parents have been insane.
I think everyone here has lost their minds COMPLETELY!
DO you ever have this moment where you realize your parents- or even just one- wish you never existed?
Yeah I get this a lot.
Not from my mom, although on Thanksgiving during all the drama in the kitchen, my mom turned to me and yells "You wanna know why I crazy?! YOU'RE the REASON that I yell and scream all the time!"
She said this with this insane look in her eyes- like she'd been in prison at some point.
At this point I just had to laugh my ass off, I replied "So I'm the reason you're CRAZY?!"
She responded "YES!!! YOU ARE!"
I turned to Dave and just laughed and laughed and laughed, my mom had finally snapped!
But back to my dad, the one I know for certain wishes I never existed.
I bet he wishes he never married either. Or has the "shitty life" he thinks he has.
I know he blames me for us moving from his "precious, wonderful, Manhattan apartment".
According to him- he sacrificed everything for his family.
Which to me- is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard in my life.
It didn't matter to him that my kids and I weren't sick all the time- or that our room was covered in mold, that our stove didn't work and leaked gas, that the paint all over the house was chipping, the cabinets and sinks were rotting. None of this mattered to him.
The only thing that mattered to him was that stupid shit hole of an apartment and that it was in Manhattan.
I grew up with my dad being an absolute prick. He was angry all the time and would break things with his head!!! Bash his head against the walls when he was angry while screamng at me- This STILL wasn't the worst thing he did to me. There was- oh so much- more still. He always terrified me.
Not until I was around 14 did I start to fight back and yell and scream at him.
I always told Dave, that the man- he met- my father- about 12 years ago- was a sweet little innocent kitten compared to the way he was years before.
Ever since we moved my dad has been a maniac.
He was fighting with me all the time about everything and anything.
It was really pissing me off.
Because no matter ALL the shit he's done to me over the years- I STILL try not to fight with him.
It's pointless.
The last time we really went to blows- and I almost punched him, was a few years ago, when Violet was around a year old.
If it hadn't been for Dave practically catching me in mid flight to jump-punch him int he face (I think I've played mortal combat a few too many times), I would've killed him.
I was just about to lose my fucking cool with him yet again, until Dave took him aside- and basically threatened to "Karate chop" my dad in the balls (TRUTH!!!) That my dad backed down a wee bit.
My dad isn't afraid of anyone- which is SO ridiculous to think this- except Dave.
He's seen Dave lose his temper- and Dave is the one person- other than me- people should be scared of.
See I'm more a scrappy crazy- like a crackhead (but I'm not obviously!). You never know what's gonna make me snap- and what I'm gonna fucking hit with you with.
Dave is more- the I'm really big and intimidating and looks like he has serious anger issues- he could probably crush someone's skull with his bare hands- I'm sure of this.
My dad and me- we don't mix.
I try to stay as calm as possible with him.
To me- he's still a child. He reacts like a child.
I TRY my very best to stay calm with him and not get pissed off by everything single crazy thing he says.

On another note we are getting settled in our place.
Still trying to figure out our surroundings- but we're getting better.
Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary to Dave- the anniversary of our hack wedding at city hall.
Such a bad day for us- it was pouring rain we were fighting- I was scared shitless! I was as white as a ghost!
Dave was screaming at me saying "You don't want to marry me??!"
Yeah- it was a bad day.
My dad showed up in a stained shirt and pants- trying to have us hurry up because he needed to get back to his office ( it was only a couple of floors UP in the same building!).
My mom was late- but showed up with flowers for us- I thought she was going to miss my hack wedding!
My dad and mom weren't talking or getting along.
My mom couldn't figure out how to work the video camera, the judge couldn't get my name right.
All together the wedding wasn't more than a minute long.
We were BROKE- so we went to the dinner for a piece of shitty cake.
Fun times....NOT!
Did I mention I was four months pregnant with Violet at the time? And nauseous?!

And here we are today four years later- and it's pouring rain yet again.
Wooohooo!
Fun times. Fun times.

Kisses Bitches!!!


*photo found on google images.
YEAH- I TOTALLY HAVE DADDY ISSUES!!!

MOVING- the ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE!!! Part one

Hey guys and gals!!
I know it's been awhile-
but things have been madness!
If I wasn't in Brooklyn right now- as I told my family yesterday- I would've committed myself to an institution. No joke, I've done it before- well not really committed myself- more like OTHERS had me committed. But this time it would be voluntary!!!
Oh my goodness this week was one of the WORST ever!!!
Saturday was moving day for my kids, Dave and I.
Karen showed up in the morning with a u-haul truck.
And almost NOTHING WAS PACKED!!!
My parents had left their ENTIRE room and closets for ME to pack that fucking morning!!!
My mom has been suffering from depression for a long time now- but this past week, was one of her worst ever.
So nothing was getting done.
Dave and I only got about one hour worth of sleep before we got up and starting packing again and moving boxes and boxes of SHIT!
Plus- we weren't moving any furniture-
We hired Karen's cousin, son and his friend to help us move.
God bless them they were awesome!!!
The landlord (of my old building) KNEW we were moving Saturday- but apparently "forgot" to tell us moving wasn't allowed on weekends in our building (why??Only god knows at this point!)
So we were moving things- and then BAM!!
We were told we weren't allowed to use the front door- we would have to go out the service entrance- with very heavy boxes up and down creaky old metal stairs!!! YEAH, a nightmare!!!
My asshole corrupt super- I swear, is the son of the devil at this point- but way way way more stupid- shut down the elevator!!! Wait...get this...with Dave still inside!!!!
What a bitch?! Right?!
Dave then presses the fire alarm and Karen calls the cops- because at this point our stupid freaking asshole super is STOPPING us from MOVING!!! Totally ILLEGAL!!!!
The cops arrive and Karen and Dave are talking to them, then they talk to our super.
Dave tells me I should talk to the cops- why? I have no idea.
I see the cops talking to the super- and he's talking about pressing charges- against...ME!
The cops start talking to me, without the super there.
They automatically HATE my guts- again, why? I have no clue.
I started crying at this point because I was so stressed. Everyone was yelling at me, both my parents screaming at me on the phone- because apparently- whatever I was doing- packing the entire apartment- wasn't good enough. And my mom was MAD at me. All this craziness didn't make any type of sense whatsoever!
I was crazed at this point!
I start crying while telling the cops I have two autistic kids waiting for me to come to our new home in Brooklyn, they're with my mom, sister and father at our new place.
They start saying that if our super presses charges...for wait it...TRESPASSING!! In my OWN APARTMENT?!!!!
I would be arrested right then and there!!!
I was so confused!!!
This was madness!!!
At this point I didn't even care- I was going to be arrested!
The first call I would make is to the papers- saying- they were arresting a disabled person (me!), mother of TWO autistic kids- for....TRESPASSING in her OWN FUCKING APARTMENT!!!
Our super "decided" not to press charges and somehow I HAD TO PAY $50!! To the guy working the service elevator ( a really nice guy) because our super shut down the fucking ELEVATORS!!!
I fucking LOATHE this piece of shit guy!!!
Meanwhile he's a fucking criminal- and was "for some reason" in the office the previous night, at midnight with his wife "clearing out papers"...hummmmm sounds fishy right??? What a fucking crook.
After all that- I'm crying in my mom's room trying to finish packing, sobbing my brains out- my mom screaming at me- for almost being arrested.
This is how she deals with stress.
I couldn't take it at that point.
Thank god I have kids- because I would've fucking killed myself right there.
I'm bipolar-HELLO! I have my breaking point!
We had FINALLY gotten everything packed and filled the truck to the brim with boxes.
My dad had to come back to Manhattan to stay in our near empty apartment, so the super wouldn't change our locks! My parents weren't gonna get the check from the landlord until Monday morning and we wanted to make fucking sure they fucking got that fucking CHECK already!!!
I couldn't wait for this day to be over already!!!
We got stuck in traffic for a long while- and then arrived at our new place. PHEW!
Then we had to carry all the boxes up a flight of stairs yet again.
We were all dead at this point. Beyond dead- we were ZOMBIES!
Mom, Kayla, and the kids were happy to see me an I was so happy to see them.
Dave was in so much pain from all the heavy lifting.
Dave took a shower for the first time in our new home. The drain was clogged and all this grime and shit came up from the drain- EWWW!
This was the start to everything falling a part on us. This is officially the movie "The Money Pit!!!!"
Our window is broken, the washing machine wasn't installed correctly- so we had a flood yesterday from the washing machine, and so did the dentist's office underneath us.
All this wasn't our fault. Our new landlord hired very cheap construction workers, who didn't do a good job. So everything here is done half fast.
Man, I love this place- but I really want to own a home already so I never have to deal with a landlord ever again.
The grill that was left here- fell apart because apparently it was made over a million years ago.
Just fell into DUST!!!
Crazy, right?!
The shower head popped off in the middle of a shower last night hosing the bathroom down. Oy Vey!!!
The garbage guys screamed at me yesterday morning telling me, I was going to get a summons for all the garbage!
Everyone was biting my head off, including Dave.
We were fighting, I was just DONE! DONE with everything.
I was going to go food shopping for thanksgiving yesterday..until Dave lost the debit card!!! And we had to shut down the account. So thanksgiving was going to be cancelled!
I was beyond my breaking point- I was losing my fucking mind.
I hate crying and that's all I've been doing for almost 5 days already!!!
Thank God we were able to get a little out of the account- to at least buy some food today.
Karen's going to pick me up and we're going to get some food for tomorrow.

****I wrote all the above, this morning. So much has happened since then!****

-Dave thought he was dying (panic attack)
-The construction workers lied to our landlord telling him we're so many people living here- like 10 people!!
-I had a panic attack
-I was ready to kill myself

Just listing a few things that happened today- so my blog isn't 40 pages.

Much more to come...
Nervous fucking breakdown number 568 happened today! But who's keeping track, right?

Kisses Bitches!!!
Hoping everyone, including me, has a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!

lots of love and hugs to all!!!

Welcome to my LIFE!!!

Karen, my darling, is not used to my family just yet.
Marco on the other hand- knows my family's madness and is used to it.
My therapist for YEARS- even to this very day- wants my family and I to have a reality t.v. show-
she said there would be something for everyone-
The poor, the autistic, the deaf, the bipolars, the gay community, the mentally insane, the moms struggling out there- you name it! We got EVERY reality show beat by a long shot!
You all know my family and I are moving- all together.
My two deaf parents (they say they are hard-of-hearing- but we ALL know better ;), my autistic sister with a heart condition, my two special needs kids (autistic), and my "yet to be diagnosed" husband (he said this himself).
My dad, as every knows is losing his mind- truthfully. Dementia here he comes, no joke!
He is all over the place! I'm just surprised he finds his way home everyday.
Yesterday Karen ordered some food for my mom and dad, at a nearby place- to pick up.
She tells my dad to run in and pick up the order "for Karen".
He says "For Karen?"
"Yes, for Karen".
He comes out of the restaurant with a small plastic bag-
Karen asked "Where the food??!!!"
He replied "right here! Two sandwiches!"
"ummm, Jeff that's not what I ordered!!!! You didn't pick up what I ordered".
My dad gets pissed off because breakfast costs $14 for two people. He actually bitched and moaned about this.
Karen told me the story- I told her "THIS IS MY LIFE!!! DAY IN AND OUT!!! 24/7 CRAZY TOWN!"
He never ever follows direction, he does everything opposite!
My mom wasn't doing so well yesterday either. She hung up the phone on us about three times.
And she wasn't listening to a word we were saying!! It was so frustrating!!!
Again, I should be used to this by now, but I never am.
My mom asked Dave where he was- he said "In the car on the way to Brooklyn to meet up with you".
She asked again where he was, over and over again-
he then responded "I'm running down the highway Helene!!! Running to Brooklyn!"
Karen, Marco and I were laughing so freakin' hard!!!
We couldn't stop!
This is a typical conversation with my family- very typical.
I think we are all from another planet or something.
We get there- she decided to put the computer in a different place then we wanted. Even though I'd told her over five times where it should go.
Everyone was screaming.
Did I mention my parents are deaf?!
This means they think everyone ELSE is deaf too! So they scream everything!!!
It's madness, I tell you- madness!
I'm starving at this point- saying I'm so hungry I might eat a small puppy if someone didn't help me get some damn food SOON!
I don't know my way around my neighborhood, or any part of Brooklyn for that matter. I have to learn everything from scratch! Very scary for me!
Dave decides to put the highchairs together- in the middle of the hallway- I have no clue why.
We're trying to get out of the house- to go eat and to the carpet store before they closed.
My mom is screaming what's the carpet store's name!!!
I yell out "Carpet munchers!!!"
Marco's hysterically laughing, everyone else is confused-
This is my life!!!
We got to the carpet store- but we didn't have the measurements with us- we had left it back at the house!
OY VEY!
I was going to pick out anything at this point- I needed FOOD NOW!
Levi was biting me he was so hungry! OUCH!
I decided to get out of the car with the kids and my sister and head to McDonald's for some quick grub.
I'm ordering there for about 9 people-
The women looked at me " At this point you should've just cooked."
"Well I am ordering for almost 9 people. Though I think I could eat this all by myself at this point"- I said laughing- but it was the truth!
I then said to her- "I'm in the middle of moving, I have no food, or cookware in my house yet- so McD's will just have to do."
She apologized, and understood. After that she was super nice to me.
I told her "I'm poor and moving int he neighborhood. You'll be seeing a lot of me. Plus can you imagine how much this would have cost from a diner?!!
She laughed!! Because we both knew the truth to that!
The cable guy was at our house for hours!! "I asked him if he's ready to kill himself yet?"
He laughed- but I could see in his eyes- He wanted to!
Karen picks us up at McDonald's, and then we head back to the house.
The kids are running around- we are trying to figure out the t.v. to put on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
We're putting baby gates together- and cribs. It was insane. The whole time my mom is having a nervous breakdown and my dad is mumbling to himself- something- I have no clue what nor do I care at this point.
I have a splitting migraine and bad cramps- from the new birth control pill. Plus my boobs are growing by the fucking second! No joke!
We tried to get a car service because Karen couldn't drive us home, and it was the kids' bedtime- they were cranky and crying.
The car service didn't give my mom a price quote and then shows up at our house asking for ....get this...$80!!!
We were like, are you crazy?!
You didn't give my mom a price quote, she's deaf, and you show up asking for $80 to take us home?!!!
That started a war with Dave and this stupid driver!
He was taking advantage of my mom being deaf.
CRIMINAL!!!
Don't ever use the car service "Mill Basin" in Brooklyn- their crooks!!! Scumbags!!!
We didn't take the car obviously!!!
Karen was our savior and drove us home. She is my angel!!!
Thank you Karen so much!!!
I owe you BIG TIME!!!
BTW if you are wondering how I know Karen- she's engaged to Marco- my homeboy.
And is the mama of one of the best kids I know, Maya.
I'm so lucky to have them- otherwise I would've committed myself to an institution yesterday.

P.S. - I get a letter from SSI asking me to come in again- twice in one year- nothing has changed. Actually things got worse. I'm still fucking Bipolar and CRAZY! HELLO!!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Wouldn't you watch our reality show???!!!

*found this photo of me- I felt it was appropriate.

Starting...

Started moving boxes and furniture up to the new place today.
We only get maybe an hour or two a day to pack because of the kids.
I have no one to watch them- and if I turn my back for a second- they are trying to kill each other!
Plus Lee and Vi hate the sound of me taping the boxes shut! They scream!!
Both my parents are kind of losing their minds- they are both completely fried mentally- due to the big move.
Last night was rough- the migraines had finally taken their toll on me.
I could barely move- because I was gonna pass out! I tried to walk- bad idea!!!
There was this intense pressure in my head and I couldn't think straight!
These hormone pills and thyroid problems are going to be the death of me for sure!
Plus I think the medications are putting me in heat or something. I didn't even THINK it was possible for me to want sex more often- but I was wrong!
This with the packing- no of course we're not done!- moving- my kids trying to kill each other- the migraines- the arguing- the stress.
BOOM! My head is gonna explode-
oh wait- I'm suppose to think positive-
Everything will be getting better!!!!!

Woohoo- very short blog post.
BTW- I thought I'd just put this out there.
Marriage is....(you fill in the blank).

For me Marriage is ...when each time you roll over in bed, your husband farts in your face in his sleep.
That's marriage.
I'll leave you with this thought for now!
Muahahhahahahahhahaha!


Kisses Bitches!

Halloween 2010 AND the apartment hunt continues

Hey everybody!
So sorry it's been almost a whole week, since I last wrote a blog entry.
Things have been nuts!!!
Halloween just passed- you all know it's one of my most favorite holidays ever!
I dislike trick or treating in my current building- because everyone is rich and snotty.
The most of the kids are complete brats!
And this year is OUR LAST Halloween here!! Wooohooooooo!
I decided to spend Halloween with my extended family in Brooklyn.
It was amazing!
 Like in the movies- and not the horror movies- the beautiful family ones!
It's very family oriented there. Everyone was so nice and welcoming.
I'm hoping this will be our new neighborhood- and hopefully soon!
Violet LOVED the neighborhood- she even picked a few flowers and held them for hours, just smiling and laughing to herself.
Levi was great! He was the happiest I've seen him in so long!
Everything was going great- until we went to the diner for dinner.
Violet is on antibiotics because she has a sinus/throat infection ( same as her daddy).
But the antibiotics always make her stomach SOOOOO sick.
Every single time- she cries in pain- I feel so bad- but I don't have a choice.
She has a very sensitive stomach- especially to medications.
So she was sobbing in the diner! And was throwing a tantrum int he restaurant.
Later on she had to poo and squatted under the diner table (don't worry it was in her diaper).
But I was so embarrassed- people must've thought we were crazy.
Plus we were all in costume! Kayla and I were dressed as Princess Leia and my kids were dressed as tigers!
SO Violet was a tiny tiger freaking out, while shitting under the table.
That's my life!!!
Most of the workers there were Mexican.
By the way- I've been to this diner THREE TIMES so far- the food is AMAZING!!!
I love this place! And everyone is so nice!
Violet finally calmed down and Lee, Violet and Kayla were with me in the car on the ride home- we didn't get home until 10 P.M.
They loved being in the car- it was very calming for them.
They both fell asleep leaning against each other. It was so sweet.
When we got home Levi woke up and didn't go back to sleep until after midnight!

The next morning I had to wake up at 6:30 a.m. to get ready to go to Brooklyn to go apartment hunting yet again.
We spent the entire day looking at places- we didn't get home until about 8 p.m!!!!
That's over 12 hours!!

Cute story-
We went back to the diner yesterday in Brooklyn- I thought they were gonna give me evil looks or something - because of the night before with my kids.
They were ALL looking at me- so I guess they recognized me.
After we ate (I ate EVERYTHING!!! It was so good! All the workers looked at me in amazement as I almost finished my plate and then ordered cake!) Yeah- I EAT! So sue me!
After we paid the check-
one worker came up to me- and asked  me if I was here the night before.
I immediately started to explain- "Yes, those are my kids, I'm so sorry...blah blah blah."
Then another worker came over (my waiter) and said "I wasn't here last night, I was off from work. But everyone said how nice you looked".
I blushed! I was truly SHOCKED!!!
He went on to say "Hey next time, can you bring pictures????"
Now I was really blushing!
The other workers asked if I could come in dressed like that again!!!
Do they realize that WAS A HALLOWEEN COSTUME??? Not a party dress??!

It's so funny! But they didn't complain about my kids- and to me- that's a very good sign!
And heck, if I get good service dressed as Princess Leia- then so be it ;)

We saw almost seven places yesterday- a few were nightmares!!! But two were amazing!!! So beautiful and big and full of sunshine!!!
I hope we get a place- and soon!!!
Pray for us PLEASE!!!

I can't wait to live there near my extended family. It'll be awesome!!!

Kisses Bitches!

*photo of both my kids dressed as tigers for Halloween

Violet's worst week ever!

Violet has had her worst week ever so far.
She doesn't transition well at all to change- and everything changed for her this week, new school, therapists- you name it. I feel so bad for her.
She's having a meltdown!

Today at sensory gym during physical therapy (PT- for short) lost her damn mind!!!
She was ALL over the place- going to hurt herself- it was insanity!
The PT was sweating her ass off, she looked a wreck half way through the session, the poor girl.
I felt bad for Violet- but worse for the therapist!

Violet has the strength of at least 100 men- AT LEAST!
There's this fully enclosed swing made of a Lycra/elastic type material- fully closed. And VIOLET used all her strength and got out of it!!! Like she was being born all over again!!!
It was so funny- and scary at the same time. Everyone at the gym was SHOCKED! They'd NEVER seen this done before.
The PT called her the Incredible Hulk! Like I said it was insane!

All the kids there- have all kinds of disabilities. This one kid, was about 13 years old and had Down's syndrome- he looked at my daughter running around crazy and asked his therapist- "What is she doing??!" The therapist answered "Running? Playing??"
The kid gave Violet the ONLY look- like YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS!!!

Every kid there was looking at Violet like- You got problems kid!!!"

I was exhausted- but not as much at the PT. I'm not used to her like this- but I am used to her running and running and running- and having to run after her all the time.
Half way through the session and Violet's meltdowns- I grabbed her- picked her up in my arms and said "That it!!! Violet we are leaving!"
I carried her to her stroller- clipped her in- and she calmed down- as calm as a cucumber practically.

Did I mention that before I took her to the gym, I went food shopping and mopped the entire house?! Yeah- I'm spent at this point.
My brain is complete mush.

With Levi and Violet both losing their minds this week- I can barely stand.
I have a hard enough time- getting my family to babysit when my kids are normal- well, normal for them. Now with them going nuts- I can't go anywhere!!!
My kids are a handful and a half- it's not easy for me- I would never ever trust a babysitter- ever!

I was a babysitter for a very long time- I cared about each kid as if they were my own. I would never ever let anything happen to them- I would've taken a bullet for them- I'm not even joking. They were like my own.
But I saw many other babysitters in my time- that didn't give two shits about the kids they barely watched.

When I get home from leaving the kids with my mom and sister, they look completely wiped out- and the kids are still going. But unlike a babysitter- I trust my family.

Dave says I micro-manage and I agree. I like things done a certain way: correctly;)

Anyways that's enough crazy for one blog post,


Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo: Happy Bunny

Operation Housewife: COMPLETED.

I've found out a lot of things this week, mainly about my apartment, I won't go into details, but I've known for years this place was killing us. It's just a bad place.
So I've been cleaning like a mad woman, this weekend. I'm going to be donating all old clothes, the kids clothes, toys, everything.
I always hated cleaning in the past.
Maybe because when growing up, my mother was a complete neat FREAK! Everything was spotless. My friends weren't allowed on my bed, in the living room, the toys had to be kept clean and tidy, the list goes on and on. She was obsessed, for sure.
So I hated cleaning. I thought you had to be crazy to enjoy it.
Turns out that might be true.
I have a lot running through my mind all day long, like an internal conversation, of things that need to get done, my feelings about such things, etc.
I used to be hot-tempered. REALLY REALLY hot-tempered. I threw stuff, smashed things, I was really damaging, not only to objects but also myself.
I changed that when I was pregnant with Violet. I knew I had to change for my baby. I didn't want her growing up seeing me react that way when I got upset.
And ever since then, I've really controlled myself and my emotions.
I was upset yesterday, while cleaning, not because I was cleaning, but because I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING, and not getting enough help day in and out.
So while mopping the kitchen, scrubbing and scrubbing, listening to my music blasting in my headphones, I felt like I was getting my anger out, in a positive way. No one was getting hurt, and at the end everything would be clean. That can't be bad right?
I think I've turned into those women who clean when they're angry. Weird, right?
I used to be this insanely ambitious person, usually manic, very career oriented, nothing could stop me. Now this person is still in me, but has been modified somewhat.
I'm now more family/community oriented. This is what drives me to better myself and things around me.
The things I want have changed, I now want a house ( or huge penthouse- that would do;) with a backyard/patio where I could have a garden to grow my own vegetables and herbs, a safe place for the kids to play and learn, neighbors I talk to and actually like, money to be able to pay bills with no worries, and my friends and family close by.
Before, I wanted world domination. Not joking, and if I continued being manic- I probably could have had it.
So yeah- maybe you do have to be crazy to enjoy cleaning. Good thing, I already am.


Kisses my clean, sexy bitches!!!