What's been happening??!

I've been so busy- with doctor appointments, phone calls, packing and my kids' therapies-
I don't know what day it is anymore! I haven't been sleeping well for what seems like forever now!
Last week Dave went to the doctor- and was told he's at high risk for a stroke- because of his high weight and blood pressure.
This makes me very nervous- and this morning he tells me that he's feeling dizzy and lightheaded and feeling a lot of pressure in his head every time he moves!
This scares the shit out of me!
He's going to the doctor again today- around 4 p.m.
I was supposed to go to the breast surgeon this morning- but then found out because he left the medical group I was a part of, a week ago and where I had all my testing done, he now has no access to my test results or medical records.
So there's NO POINT to see him today. Oh joy!
Looks like I have to find ALL new doctors for both my husband and I and our children.
This is such a pain in the butt!
But maybe this will lead to better care? Who knows? Maybe I find the doctor to ALL doctors- you know what I mean?
Since my kids and I, and now Dave are at the doctor every single week!
I'm worried about my husband's health, I'm nervous (and excited) about moving, how the kids are going to react to our new home- all these worries are why I'm not sleeping well at night.
Levi is finally going to have his psychological evaluation next Tuesday at home!
Woohoo! I've only been waiting for this for several months now!
Everyday he's banging his head and having meltdowns all day long-
I can't wait to finally have a diagnosis already- so that my son can get ALL the therapy he needs to get better.
It has helped my daughter so much- and continues to help her to this very day.
I'm not sure if Levi has the exact same type of autism my daughter has, but I'll find out soon.
And knowing this brings me some much needed peace of mind.
My family and I have also been furniture shopping- this is NOT as much fun as it sounds!
It's exhausting. If we were rich- I'm POSITIVE this would be a lot more fun!!!
We also went mattress shopping.
Dave had a lot of fun doing this. Every bed felt so foreign to me- and uncomfortable- so I let him pick out what he wanted. We had to get a new bed since he broke our current bed. We needed something DURABLE and comfortable.
We took our kids to Macy's holiday department- and they were so excited!!! They LOVE Santa and Christmas movies!
So this was so amazing to them. Levi couldn't believe his eyes! And Violet reached for every ornament known to man!
It was so much fun!
This would be the first holiday season in DECADES- that we wouldn't be totally broke!
My kids have never experienced a really GREAT holiday season- where we get to go shopping and do all holiday related outings.
Christmas has been so hard for us in the past- we couldn't get the kids any presents or decorate- we had no money- not even to pay the bills.
Every holiday season was so depressing.
I've spent a few in mental hospitals int he past. So I've never really looked forward to the holidays- until now.
This is the FIRST holiday season I'm actually looking forward to.
Our luck seems to be getting better- and I cant wait to see all the good things that's going to happen.
I see our lives changing for the better- Finally!!!!

All this aside, I have been feeling my mood going up and down throughout the day- I'm very easily irritated, I'll be depressed one minute- very happy the next.
This new birth control pill I'm on- I don't know if it's helping me or not.
I feel like a hot air balloon! Just totally blown-up.
I don't know if I should stop this medication or just wait it out.
My mom told me- many years ago, she gained nearly 100 pounds on birth control pills! ( yes this was over 35 years old- but still!) This scared the shit out of me!
While I was pregnant with Violet I gained 120 pounds!! Yes, I started at weighing only 80 pounds- but STILL! That's a lot of weight.
I'm petrified!
Dave seems to be happy though- he LOVES when my ass and boobs grow. He was SO happy when I was nearly 200 pounds, pregnant with Violet. He's nuts!!!! But I appreciate his insanity very much.
But I am very thankful, I'm with a man that appreciates curves ( the bigger the better!) and never ever tells me to lose weight.
I've been having nightmares- that I want to be an actress (which I don't), and am going on auditions only to be told I'm FAT and ugly.
Fun right?!

AND my mom is also having a biopsy and sonogram done (this week and next) to make sure she doesn't have ovarian cancer.

Do you think this is enough to be worried about???!

That's what been happening so far-
Again, I'm so sorry that I haven't been writing as much. My book, has been put on a temporary hold right now. Until I move and get settled- then I'll continue writing. Actually then- I'll be more than happy to write!


Kisses Bitches!!!
PEACE!

*photo found on google- I thought this crazy holiday cat photo was appropriate.

Living

I feel like I'm living at the doctor's office nowadays. My kids are not well most of the time, as am I- so we know all the nurses and all the doctors at numerous offices now.

I'm on the phone with a doctor almost everyday- scheduling appointments and such.

Yesterday I took my daughter to the doctors, then came home and went to another doctor's appointment for myself.

I was running around yesterday all over town!

I'm still trying to schedule a sonogram for my daughter of her kidneys because the doctor feels she has a problem. I've faxed over AND emailed her referral for this damn sonogram multiple times- each time they say they never received it. Violet's doctor is on my back about scheduling this appointment because he's afraid of Violet having kidney failure. That's why she's on daily antibiotics- to keep her kidneys clean and healthy. Finally I just gave her doctor the fax number and phone number for him to do it himself. I thought maybe, just maybe he'd have better luck than me.

I like that I finally have a relationship with my kids' doctor. Before this doctor, we saw several doctors, all not remembering who the fuck we were most of the time.

This doctor has us on speed dial! And he actually listens to me and trusts me when I say something is wrong. Which most doctors tend not to believe.

Most days we have two doctors appointments to go to- for the exception of today- phew! Finally one day with no appointments other than my kids' therapies. Violet has been imitating more sounds lately, which is GREAT!

Last night Violet and Dave had a roaring contest! Obviously Dave won, but Violet came close!

It's so funny to hear Violet, my three year old daughter, roar! Both Levi and Violet have a new speech and physical therapist. I'm very excited about speech, because I'll be learning several new signs to do with both Lee and Vi. I've always wanted to learn sign language- especially since both my parents are hard of hearing- and we've all been making up our own sign language to communicate with each other for a long time now. It's pretty hilarious!

I started Violet with sign language when she was three months old, but it never took. She does a few signs now, but I'm hoping with this new therapist, Lee and Vi will learn how to communicate better. It's always a guessing game as to what they want- it'll be nice to have to guess less and know more. Besides all our financial and health woes- these are very exciting times. Violet has come a very long way- and is progressing very nicely. I can't wait to see Lee do the same.

Early Intervention has helped my family so very much- I will be forever grateful to them for all their help. Besides the therapists, our early intervention social worker is amazing. These wonderful people have become part of my family and they will always be welcome in my home.

Therapists are always stunned by me when we're in the playground with Violet. She can be a little aggressive with kids when she wants them to hurry up the stairs on down the slide- and the parents of the child my daughter just pushed always- I mean always- gives me a dirty, stank look. As if to say I can't control my child- to which I have now learned to matter of factly reply- "She's autistic, Okay?!". Instead of apologizing over and over again, because I know my daughter didn't mean any harm.

The look on the parents face is always priceless- because then they have no clue what to say to me- they don't know to say " I'm sorry to hear that" or "I understand" or "I have no idea what to say because I'm an asshole, and only see my child once a week and my child doesn't even call my mommy. So who am I to say anything to you about your parenting skills".

You know something like that. The therapists are always shocked because I say this without even blinking. I'm not embarrassed by any means of Violet being autistic, and I plan to raise her to never ever feel she should be ashamed of this. Actually I want her to be open and up front about it at all times. Fuck people's reactions. She's special, and a truly wonderfully sweet, kind , beautiful girl- that just so happens to be autistic. Which I feel makes her even more unique and even more lovable.

That's probably why I'm so upfront about myself being bipolar. It makes me...ME.

And totally unique in every way. Fuck people's thoughts, ideas or misconceptions- I learned a long long time ago, not to give a damn. And being more open about myself and made me more comfortable in my own skin. I want the same for my kids.

Anyways- that's my rant for the day.

Kisses to my special bitches!

*photo found on one of Dave's late night hunts for funny photos on the internet.

Bug bite???

Today didn't go so well. Levi had another evaluation today by early intervention, and they think he has some early warning signs of autism. Yeah...so...
He's been banging his head against the crib repeatedly, lately. Just like Violet used to a long long time ago.
Never a dull moment, huh?
My sister is doing terribly, and they think they saw something on her heart...so we're worried of course.
Violet woke me up at 3 A.M. screaming and wanting to sleep with me. So I knew something was hurting her, it ended up being her stomach. The screaming went on until we gave her medicine. But it took awhile to work. So she didn't go to school today. Later on she seemed to be feeling a little better, so I thought Shannon and I could take her to the playground.
We went to the playground, and Violet was acting nuts!!! Not looking where she was going. And running really fast with no regard for her safety whatsoever. Which made Shannon and I really nervous.
Earlier in the day, before Violet had therapy, Dave and I were in the bedroom putting the kids down for a nap. He took this time to lecture me. Aw, what a great day.
He asked me if I was looking to "check out". Meaning kill myself, to which I was shocked, because that's probably the worst thing I could possibly do, since I don't trust anyone with my kids. So "checking out" early is NOT an option.
I know he's worried about me, and knows I am really truly stressed out, especially since we don't have a lawyer now.
ARGH!
Dave told me, I wasn't eating, to which I argued, and then he stated I'm eating just enough to survive, which I do agree with. But really it's because...well ever since my multiple hospital stays, I've learned NOT to eat when emotional. So I don't eat when stressed out, at least not a lot. Also I never eat things I don't like. I'm not offending anyone, because no one cooks for me. So if I'm not thrilled with what's available in the house, I simply don't eat. I know this is not always a good thing. If I had my way and the money, I'd go to order take-out or go out to restaurants all the time. I love different kinds of cuisine. Especially Latin.
Back to what I was talking about- today wasn't going so well. The lawyer we were talking to didn't help us the way we'd hoped for. So I got to keep looking.
While at the playground, I felt a pain in my arm, and to my surprise noticed a HUGE bruise!!! HUGE! It was on my forearm tattoo, almost as big as the whole thing!
And it hurt!
I have no idea where it came from. I don't know if it's an allergic reaction to a bug bite of some sort or what. I felt dizzy on and off today, really not feeling well and this damn sore throat won't go away.
DAMN! Man, I wanna catch a break so badly.
I'm trying to think positively, and like my boy Marco says, have faith in God.
I'm trying so hard to believe every thing's going to work out just fine. It just seems so difficult at the moment.

Anyways- here's a photo of my ummmm...bug bite???
CRAZY, right?!!!
Oh yes and to all you fellow fantasy geeks, yes my tattoo is from the movie The Dark Crystal. And yeah-IT DOES FREAKIN' ROCK!


Kisses Bitches!!!!
More to come...

Yesterday was a long day.

Yesterday was a very long day.
Violet got sick from the hospital, and later that day got a fever and a bad sinus infection. She felt horrible.
I was able to get an emergency appointment with her doctor. Levi had an appointment the same day, because I needed a form for WIC to be filled out by their doctor.
Violet got high dose antibiotics, and Levi got a check up as well.
I've been saying to many many people, that I feel Levi is not where he's supposed to be developmentally. And still, even after everything I've been through with Violet, people still think I'm paranoid. I've also been noticing Levi's left eye going in a totally different direction than his right eye.
So the doctor, looked at him, asked me many questions, and saw what I saw.
He told me to contact Early intervention (the services my daughter gets) for Levi to get evaluated RIGHT AWAY. I hadn't even mentioned to him at that point, that I felt he was behind.
He told me Levi also had a lazy left eye. And that everything I've been feeling was spot on.
This doctor is our family doctor. Dave also sees him. The doctor asked me why Dave hasn't come for a follow up to his physical? I asked him if Dave was diabetic. The doctor said "Yes".
And then told me, how he's sure Dave wants to be around for me and the kids and he has to change his ways now, if he wants to be able to be around for us.
It was quite a shock for Dave, when we got home and I told him the news.
So now he's way more serious about getting healthy, thank goodness.
Man, my family's been having it rough. Just tonight Violet puked. She feels terrible.
I feel terrible that my kids are sick all the time. And now I find out, what Dave and I have thought for years, is true. There is mold in my apartment, and that's definitely making us sick.
I wish we could get out of here so badly. I want the best for my kids and I feel like I'm not giving it to them by being in this apartment. I hope the landlord makes a huge turnaround, and offers a juicy buyout. I would move to a place with a backyard, where I can have a garden, know my neighbors.
Here's to wishing. Anyone know an affordable lawyer?? Or at least a lawyer that works pro-bono???

Let me know!!!!

Kisses my beautiful and crazy bitches!!!

ARGH!

So last night I had nightmares. I woke Dave up, which I rarely do, for nightmares that is, and ...get this...cuddled. I DON'T cuddle. I'm not an affectionate person really. So it scared me bad, and I felt like maybe with my face pressed up against his back- because he's not used to me asking to cuddle- maybe then the nightmares wouldn't continue. They were very vivid. I don't remember all of it, but I do remember demons being in my dreams and instead of fighting them, I just gave in.
And I was pissed off in my dream because I knew I SHOULD be fighting, but I didn't.
I didn't get what my dream meant until a few minutes ago. I'll explain.
Today was Violet's CPSE meeting. For those of you who don't know- that's Committee for Preschool Special Education- through the Board of Ed.
My oh my, I had such high hopes for this meeting. I wanted for Violet to continue her home services, even after going to a new school.
I was shut down the minute the words left my mouth, at the meeting.
Thank goodness for Shannon, Violet's ABA therapist was there sitting right next to me. Without her- I would have cried. The new school wanted her to start, to my surprise, THIS COMING MONDAY!!! Instead of the summer, like we had planned.
And that would mean NO more Shannon, no more speech, no more occupational therapy- the whole shabang- WHOOSH- GONE! Starting Monday?!
Were they crazy?!
I was able to get it pushed till the end on June- but I'm beside myself, thinking What am I going to do without these wonderful people???
I find myself thinking- I should have fought harder- screamed, anything- to get what Violet needed. But I felt all this red tape in the way!!!
I mean- does anyone know about SO many of the Early Intervention (kids age newborns to 3 years old) services being CUT!!! By Governor Patterson??!!!
He cut these amazing services for these AMAZING kids who need them so badly- to save money!!! This is the WORST IDEA ever!!! And I can't believe it went through!!!
Why doesn't anyone know about this??? Why isn't this on the news???
The rate of kids with Autism is 1 out of 100 now, and they CUT these services- that help these wonderful children. Fuck THAT!
I would apologize for my rage- but no, this is justified. What Patterson did was WRONG!
And now the Board of Ed, is cutting back on services as well. This is infuriating!
So now I see what my dream meant- I didn't fight. I just let it happen.
Technically I DID fight- just not hard enough. I felt helpless, hopeless.
But now, I know I'm not going to give up- I'm going to be on this guy's back until he sees what I see. That my daughter NEEDS these extra therapies, and that she is making progress by leaps and bounds with their help.

I'm preparing for battle. I got my war paint. It's ON, bitches!