"I knew who I was in the morning"

" I knew who I was in the morning but I've changed a few times from then".

Well known quote in the Bipolar community.

To me though it means so much much more.

Every day in every way the world around me is changing.

I woke up with a good idea of who I was today...very positive actually.

Events happened....and then others and others, obstacles as they do- usually I'd stress and worry.

Instead I was the steadiest in the room.
See my life has changed and how I react to my world has changed too.

The world, people and certain events had managed to change me...and then...I grew stronger, more still and peaceful.

I never know what tomorrow brings but  I look forward to it.

I knew who I was in the morning but I've changed a few times since then-

And I'm so very glad.🙏

Happy muthafuckin' V-Day

No, I don't mean happy Venereal disease Day-
I mean happy Valentine's Day.

Truthfully, I don't celebrate it anymore.
I'm sure my kids will grow up celebrating it. And I will show them my love- as per usual.
But for me- I learned a long long time ago-
you're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you hype up the day with your loved one/boyfriend/girlfriend.
Yeah- I'm total downer.
But truthfully- realizing this many years ago- helped me actually enjoy myself and not be miserable all V-day long.
I've been so very poor for sooo very long- and live with procrastinators- so everything was always left to the last minute and we ended up doing nothing.
Now- I don't expect anything- and I always end up- NOT pissed off full of disappointment.
This was Dave and my exact conversation just a few minutes ago, WORD FOR WORD on V-day (at around 12 a.m.)!
Dave:...that grammy's with the girl who sang the god song years ago- what if god...
Me: OH,...GOD... I thought you said cowboy..
What?
I thought you said the song was about a cowboy.
What if cowboys are like us?
Yeah
I could be a cowboy
No you can't
Yes I can
You'd have to get up early
Fuck that! I'll be a midnight cowboy. Wait. That was a movie.
What?
Midnight Cowboy. That was a movie with John Voight.
What's it about?
Dudes fuckin' other dudes.
SHUT YOUR STUPID PIE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Followed by us laughing our asses off at how funny that was.

That's a typical conversation between Dave and I- and it being V-day right now, doesn't change a thing.
I URGE you not to put so much pressure on V-day. It's just another day.
And if you show your love everyday then fucking up V-day would't matter, right??

The way I'm celebrating my V-day today- same as every Monday- Levi has therapy and then I take him to school. I still have to do chores. No exceptions.
But at Lee's school, I get to celebrate with "my mamas"( my group of mom friends at Lee's school).
I now look forward to weekdays!
I never in my entire life thought that would happen!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Don't be sad about V-day, it's just another day.

A day in the ER

No, not for me. For my little girl.

Just to catch you up-
Violet went- before her current school- to another preschool for only 4 days (AMAC) before she came home with scratches and bruises up and down her arms ( restrain marks from an adult).
I called the school, the bus company, board of ed, filed a police report, it was a nightmare!
They couldn't tell me what happened- or who did it!
I checked her everywhere- luckily there weren't any other marks.
But she didn't want to be touched for three weeks and screamed and rampaged though the house.
No one- not the school, nor the bus company would tell me what happened- they blamed each other. It's very very unlikely it was the bus- because she was only on the bus for 20 minutes most of which she was sleeping.
I KNEW it was the school.
They made it impossible for me to talk to the teacher- the teacher was ignoring me!
It was a mess.
My daughter never returned to that school- no matter how much THEY BEGGED!
At first I was calling lawyers and advocates, but I didn't want to go to court, or sue- I just wanted ANSWERS!!! Not money.
Yes, I know I'm poor. But this isn't the way to make money- at least that's what I believe.
After all the investigations- one investigator told me "You may never know what happened".
That devastated me.
But he was right.

At that point, I had spoken to my CPSE official and finally got approved the para I wanted Vivi to have ALL ALONG!!!
Plus he found a great school, and was able to get her enrolled, even in October!
When I toured this school- I KNEW this was the one.
It was perfect!
It is still perfect!

Today I got a call from the nurse.
I've never ever had a good relationship with a school nurse before.
In Vivi's old school I got into a screaming match with the bitch of a nurse and at the end of our fight I ended up saying  "You're STUPID!!!" ( I was so frustrated at her stupidity I became a child!)
And her response was priceless- and completely validated what I had just said.
"THANK YOU!"
And that's the very last thing we ever said to each other.

Yeah..so like I said- I got a call from ( Violet's present) school nurse
I was totally calm- I knew whatever she was to tell me- it would be Violet's doing, not someone else. I trust her para more than anything (She's honorary family!!!), and all the teachers and therapists there are the most caring and loving people I've ever dealt with in a school before, or almost anywhere, for that matter.

She told me that my daughter hurt her arm, while hugging her boyfriend (so super cute!!! This boy is such a sweety!!!) she tripped and fell on a mat (padded in the "snooze room"- a beautiful sensory room with lights and sounds and everything imaginable!). She started screaming in pain- holding her arm.

I was calm- I knew they were speaking the truth- after all, my daughter is a dare devil!
We call her the "Terminator!!!" She rarely ever feels pain. She's a robot assassin!
After all I've been through with the old school, it's such a relief to completely trust people that take care of my baby girl.

I had my mom pick her up from school, she works nearby, put her in a cab and brought her home very quickly.
When she got home- Dave and I immediately took her to the emergency room- the closest one to us- Beth Israel. Apparently they don't have a pediatrics department!
Surprise surprise!!!
Well, Violet started crying the minute we got there and didn't stop for about 2 hours.
She got x-rays done of both arms- so that they could compare- since her bones are so tiny.
Besides being a little girl, she takes after me, in that our bone structure is very very small- I know it's hard to believe- but it's true.
They couldn't see any obvious signs of a fracture and referred us to a specialist- a pediatric orthopedist.
The doctor was very nice and kind- Violet trusted her- and that says a LOT! My daughter can "read" a person QUICK! Whether they are good people or not.
And this doctor was.
She was the only child in the Entire hospital, and on top of that SHE'S AUTISTIC!
They had no idea what to do- except for the doctor treating her, she was an angel!
She even said if Vivi still won't use her left arm by Sunday that I should bring her back- FOR HER (the doctor that treated her) to see because she wants to make sure she's okay.
This was the first trip in awhile that it was just Vivi, her daddy and me and definitely the very first time without a stroller!
So even though the circumstances sucked, I was savoring every minute with Violet.
After the hospital discharged us- we went to the mall nearby our house.
We were all starving!!
On the way to McDonald's- I saw bootleg pillow pets- and was determined to buy her a new one.She seems to be collecting them- and sleeps with every single one of them- she uses them as her pillows, her mattress, and her blanket!!! So cushy!
We got her a wolf pillow pet(like I said- bootleg!) and named it "Wolfie" (after the character from the Disney t.v. show Special Agent Oso). She seemed to then LOVE, snuggle and kiss "Wolfie" over and over again.
I love that my daughter connects with stuffed animals so much- not every single stuffed animal- but a select few- I think she sees into their SOULS!!!
I love my baby girl!
She carried Wolfie with her right hand as daddy held her arm gently while she walked between us to McDonald's.
She sat in their highchair snuggling and giggling with Wolfie while she ate her chicken nuggets.
To me, this was one of the best moments- of course not the part about her being hurt- but the time we were given to just focus on my girl.
I decided from that point on, Violet will get alone time with us, as will Levi.
I'm also going to buy finger paints and such for the times in the day, on the weekends when Levi is napping and she's wide awake.

While we walked toward the exit of the mall- all these people were telling me how beautiful Violet was.
This was truly extraordinary!!
No matter how beautiful I think she is, people in the streets, while we lived in Manhattan, never ever complimented Violet. Ever! Levi- it happened all the time. But something about Violet bugged people- because she would be flapping her hands- or yelling bizarre sounds- and it would unnerve the fuckers!
Meanwhile it was normal- even sweet to me.
That's my baby. She'll never be normal- but I'm glad about that and wouldn't have her any other way!!!

*P.S. I got my blood tests results- the doctor said she'd never in her entire LIFE seen thyroid test results like this (my TH and T3 are way below, way way below what they should be, and my T4 is through the fucking roof)!
See! She didn't believe me when I told her- but now- she's a true believer!!! For sure!!!
Now she believes me when I tell her, like I did today that I'm super swollen and uncomfortable.
NOW SHE BELIEVES! FINALLY!!


Kisses Bitches!!!!
Where's the morphine when ya need it, ya know?!

One of the very best days!!!!

This morning started like every other morning before it,
I was tired and half-awake, woken up by my son crying in his crib- right next to my bed.
After having breakfast I saw the perfect opportunity to cut Levi's hair.
I sat him in his highchair, and went to work.
He was SURPRISINGLY GREAT and quite calm during the whole process. I praised him the entire time!
Especially compared to the last time I cut his hair and he screamed bloody murder through the entire haircut.
Levi had ABA therapy at home, towards the end of the session, I got on facebook very quickly (like I always do- I am ADDICTED to facebook).
And saw my old friend was online, one I met way back when (around 2003-2004 to be exact). When I was in the hospital (one of the many times) for my eating disorders.
She was also bipolar- and we bonded right away.
She understood me, unlike anyone ever had.
She went off the grid for awhile, the whole time I thought she was dead.
Us, bipolars- we don't get a lot of "happy endings".
Mostly they end in tragedy, sad to say.
I thought the worst had happened, especially since we were SO much alike.
I was sad for many many years, and always thought of her.

Well  thanks to facebook and some faith- I found her!!!
We talked, for the first time in years, this morning.
I almost cried- because it was so emotional for me.
Just talking to her for almost an hour, she still understood me better than anyone.
I was SO happy to have found her.
I cried when telling my sister and Dave that I spoke to her and how much it affected me.
You know who you are- and if you are reading this- I love you with all my heart chickie. You freakin "get" me, ya know?!

After that I went with Levi to school for his second day.
I met other mothers there! Mothers with kids similar to mine!
We talked for almost TWO whole HOURS!
They understood the things I go through with my kids, and it was the first time ever- I really could relate to another mother, ever!
We even talked about "what's wrong with our husbands!"
I love that talk- wives really bond during this conversation.
And believe me, if or when my husband has a similar talk with his friends about their wives-
He could talk FOR HOURS- maybe even days with things that are wrong with me. Hello- I'm bipolar.
If you have a complaint about me- well...
Then GET IN LINE!
All their kids, went to the same school as Levi- at the same time!

I met all their kids, they were all SO beautiful and lovable.
On the ride home with Levi on the school bus- I thought about what a fantastic day today was. It was completely meant to be that I moved to Brooklyn.
I believe this now with everything I have.

On the ride home,
Levi fell asleep.
This is a photo from today- him sleeping with Kayla's Sonic hat (yup- I bought it for her for Christmas- and Lee borrowed it) over his eyes.

So far so good!!!

I feel blessed and very lucky.
Of course, that feeling might change later in the day- because I am bipolar after all. Emotions change from minute to minute, second to second.


Kisses Bitches!!!

You can find me on facebook, under The bipolar bible.
I'd love to hear from you!

Wearing down

Tonight was a night of horrors. I'm pretty sure a few hours ago, my son had a small seizure. Yup, you heard me. I called the doctor, don't worry- and no I didn't go to emergency. Frankly I'm terrified of hospitals, not because I practically live there most of the time, but because ....how'd my doctor put it? Oh yea, I'm the poster child for things that can go wrong in a hospital.
I can't step into a hospital without thinking of MRSA. For those of you who don't know what this is you should be grateful.
My son and I, on the other hand know it all to well.
Just so you know, hospitals- are COVERED in this. It is a type of penicillin resistant, staph infection. And it can kill.
My son and I contracted this when he was born. I was put on emergency high dose antibiotics through an I.V. TWICE because it was killing my body.
So yeah, I'm deathly afraid of hospitals. When I go in for something, I sometimes come out with something else entirely. Scary, I know.
So instead, I'm choosing to take him to the doctor tomorrow.
And tomorrow BTW is my sister's Birthday! She turns 20!!!
I'm worried for my children, both of them.
My throat's been hurting me so bad for days now, and seems to get worse. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Most likely I'm sick from the mold in my room.
I've been under a lot of stress, A LOT.
I haven't had anytime to take care of myself. And I'm not complaining- all I want is for my kids to get better. And if that takes up every single second of the day and night so be it.
I've been in a fog these past few days. My vision's a little blurry, I feel weak, but I still push through, always.
My family has mentioned to me, that I'm getting thin again, and asked if they should be concerned.
That is usually a HUGE wake-up call for me. Like WARNING, things get bad after this if ignored.
Truthfully, I lack any desire for food. I eat because things are getting blurry, and my stomach growling. Not because I enjoy it, or even want it. It kind of repulses me at times.
Also Dave has been diagnosed with Diabetes, and my dad is too. So we have way healthier food here, not much sugar. And really, I live off sugar, and salt.
I know, it's bad but I feel like so many of my old go-to foods have been banned from the house. I know they are technically allowed here, but I can't take the chance my dad or Dave would eat it.
I used to be an emotional eater, I was taught this as a child. Do you feel down?? Eat this, you'll feel better. It took a lot of hospitalizations to fix that. But now I'm an emotionally eater, the other way around. I don't want to eat when stressed.
There's just so much going on right now, no one can help me with.
And yes, I know you'll all going to say "You need to take care of yourself, blah blah blah". I am aware of this.
I know I gotta get my shit together. It's hard because most of the time, I feel alone. Like a one man army.
I go to court on Wednesday morning. The landlord wants the rest of the back rent I'm sure, but he ain't gonna get that. Not with all the damages.
I'm having a difficult time finding a good lawyer, that I don't have to pay till we win. Because we WILL win. This I know.
I just want money to be able to get the fuck out of the hellhole, we call a home. And to finally to able to give my children great health and happiness.
I pray every night for all my family, and all my friends.
I hope God will hear my prayers and better all our lives.


God bless you.

Good things coming...

I found out recently that Dave's family, my family, is coming to NYC January 15th!!
I'm so excited!!! I love their company!
So many kids all running around laughing and having a good time- ah...my bliss!
Last time they stayed about 3 weeks in NYC waiting for Levi to be born.
(One of the many reasons I had a c-section) I know I'm nuts- but I really wanted them being here when Levi was born.
I don't speak to my dad's family at all, I'm basically the black sheep of the family.
So when Violet was born there weren't many people waiting for her and me to come out of the operating room when she was born.
My mom and Kayla were there when I was in labor for a few of the 20 hours of labor I was in. Then they had to go home because my sister was tired.
So when my daughter was born at 2:14 AM- it was just my husband, Violet and I. Until later on that day.
But when Levi was born- wow! It felt great to share the experience.
I was so exhausted my eyes were crossed- I hadn't slept in days. Literally. And I was on morphine drip and plenty of other lovely drugs that didn't work.
I will always be happy when I think of Dave's family- because they were there when most of my family wasn't.
So I'm really looking forward to their arrival!
They're so close and happy- they make me want a big family. But then I wake up from that vision of heaven to my two kids losing their fucking minds and realize- nuh- two's enough for awhile! AMEN!

(Bottom photo is of my daughter when she was born in 2007 and the top photo is of my son born in 2009)